Deadlock

Chapter Eight

They were hovering around the cage, talking about her again.

The blue-eyed wizard hissed a curse and dragged his hands through his hair. «We’re back to square one. If I don’t know how she was weaving her spells, it’s dangerous for me to fuck around with it.»

«Damn it, this is going to drive her crazy.»

Alec. She remembered his name, though the wizard hadn’t said it. It was branded in her memory, along with his taste and scent. He’d rubbed his hard body against hers, given her his mouth — and then he’d locked her up.

There had been no mocking in his eyes as he’d done it, and his voice now was rife with worry. He was scared for her, and it made it impossible to bare her teeth and snarl. To warn him off.

Her mind began to clear quickly, the feral anger dissipating. He’d tricked her, but he’d done it because giving her what she wanted was unacceptable. She knew that.

Still, the sting of betrayal lingered.

«She hasn’t changed yet.» The wizard stood — Jackson, that was his name. «There’s one thing I can try, but only if you’re pretty sure she isn’t going to.»

Alec shoved both hands through his dark hair, leaving the short strands standing on end. «I can try changing. That’s what I was going to do tonight. Shift and see if the magic sparks something in her.»

«If it’s ever going to happen, it’s now.»

«Fine.» Alec backed up a step, shooting Carmen one furtive look before he dropped his hands to his belt.

He looked like he wanted her to turn away, so she knelt by the bars and watched him as he stripped off his shirt. It revealed the ink on his arm and shoulder, dark indecipherable lines, and she let her gaze trace them boldly as he reached for his pants.

A challenge. He could answer it, or he could turn away.

Of course he answered it. Dark, expressionless eyes held hers as he jerked open his jeans and let them slide to the floor. He stood in front of her in boxers and an unwavering frown, but he didn’t look away.

One of them had to give, but it wouldn’t be him. The realization both soothed and excited her, and Carmen turned her head. «Can he leave?» she rasped. «The wizard?»

Alec kicked his jeans out of the way. «I’m not coming in that cage, whether he’s here or not.»

That chilled her even as it sparked sharp, hot anger. «I didn’t ask you to.»

The sudden wariness in his eyes faded to confusion, but after a moment he nodded. «Jackson, go upstairs.»

He shoved his hands in his pockets even as he backed away. «Yell if you need me, Alec.»

Carmen waited until his footfalls faded up the stairs and a door slammed to rise and reach for her own shirt. «Tell me what to do. How to find her. The wolf.»

«All right. Can you close your eyes and feel my power?»

She could feel everything, the power of the animal inside him as well as his almost crippling concern. «I can feel you. Stop worrying so hard.»

His rough laughter filled the room. «Oh, honey, we’re way past that. I worry. It’s what I do.»

The last thing she wanted was to be yet another responsibility, a burden no good alpha would set aside. She opened her eyes. «Don’t. Don’t worry about me.»

His hands fisted. His voice dropped to a whisper. «I worry about you more than I should.»

Because he cared. She’d known he wanted her, but this was different. Something closer to what she felt, and insufferably dangerous for someone in his position, who lived the way he lived.

It burned through her anger, and it didn’t matter that he was mostly naked, that she was half-dressed in her shorts and bra. Carmen dropped her shirt and closed her hands around the bars. «You talk a lot about what you do, what your job is. What do you need, Alec?» She’d give it to him, even if it meant walking out and never looking back.

After a tense, endless moment, he opened his eyes and met her gaze. «I need you to be all right. I need to keep you safe.»

«The only way to do that is to find out what that woman did to me and why.» The possibility of Carmen killing herself had spurred the witch into a mistake, one that had cost her her life. «She needed me to be two things — alive, and a wolf. That means my family has to be behind this. There’s nothing else that makes sense.»

He gave a short nod, then tilted his head. «You’re feeling steadier?»

«I feel» The vicious bite of magic had already faded. «How long has it been?»

«An hour. Maybe a little more.»

Last time, it had been longer than that before she’d come back to herself enough to recognize her surroundings, much less carry on a conversation. «How bad was it?»

One dark eyebrow swept up. «You’re in a cage, sweetheart.»

Her cheeks heated. «That was a stupid question.»

«A little bit.» But he smiled and brushed his hand over hers. «You were pretty mad at me. I wasn’t sure you were going to forgive me. I didn’t put you in there willingly.»

What he didn’t say made her blush even harder. «I tried to jump you.»

The first hint of true amusement made his eyes dance. «I’m used to it. Women can’t resist a brooding loner.»

«I’m sorry.»

«Do it again some time when you’re not high, and all will be forgiven.»

Will it? Asking seemed like asking for trouble, so she stepped away from the bars. «Show me how it’s done, and we’ll see if you can let me out of here.»

Alec stepped back and hooked a thumb under the edge of his boxers. «I’m about to be really naked. Watching with your eyes won’t do you much good, but I don’t care if you do.»

Carmen tracked her gaze down his hard body to where he’d dragged the fabric low. For a moment, temptation nearly got the better of her. «I shouldn’t, since I have to keep my hands to myself.» Reluctantly, she turned away and leaned back against the bars. «What about the rest of my clothes? Will I have time to get rid of them if I start to feel like something’s happening?»

«Probably not. It’ll be over before you can count to three. Doesn’t hurt either, so you don’t need to be scared.»

«Right. Are you—?» She swallowed hard, her hands on the waistband of her shorts, and almost glanced over her shoulder. «Are you watching me?»

«Does that bother you?»

«No.» It excited her, feeling the weight of his gaze on her, his interest and arousal spiking every time she moved.

Part of her wanted to put on a show, send that twisting desire of his through the roof, but it didn’t seem fair to tease. Instead, she unhooked her bra and slid the cotton free of her arms. After tossing it across the cot, she pushed her shorts and panties down her legs in one quick, efficient movement.

«All right.» His voice had definitely gotten lower. «Your empathy might help. Close your eyes and kneel, and try to feel what I’m doing.»

She bit her lip and slid to the floor, wincing at the hard bite of concrete on her scraped knees. «I feel…» Worried. Determined. Turned on.

Then the lust bloomed into something primal, something she recognized on an instinctive level. It was the magic that had always lived in her, just cranked up to an overwhelming intensity.

It called to her, inviting and wild, and she clenched her hands into fists. She wanted to join him, release that sleeping part of her and run—

Nothing.

«Damn it.» The magic that had flared up in reaction to his settled, and Carmen rubbed her hands over her face. «I don’t know, Alec. I just don’t know.»

A quiet yip answered her.

He was right behind her, and she turned to look at him. Dark fur covered his large frame, muzzle to tail, and she smiled in spite of herself. «It’s weird how it’s impossible to predict what shifters will look like, but then they always look like themselves somehow. They look…right.»

The wolf stretched slowly, then magic shimmered in the air again. It happened so fast it seemed like a blur, the wolf rising on his hind legs before the shimmer became too much. A heartbeat later Alec stood before her—

Aroused.

Her breath caught in a gasp as need washed over her. This time, she couldn’t look away. «Alec.»

«Shh.» He wrapped his hands around the bars of her cage, fingers clenching so tight his knuckles looked white against his dusky skin. «Shifting is… There’s no high like it.»

She had to get off her knees, so she climbed to her feet. «So I’ve heard.»

«I should leave.»

«I should make you.» The tables had been turned, and now he was the one crazy with magic. But she touched him anyway, sliding her hands over his. «You keep protecting my virtue. What about yours?»

«The only way I’m keeping my virtue is if you stay in that cage.» A rumbling laugh escaped him. «Even that might not save us.»

She felt no confusion, no doubt that this was what he wanted. That she was what he wanted. «You can stay or go. Either way, no regrets.»

Something feral sparked in his eyes. «Turn around.»

It was firm and forceful, and the command weakened her knees. She obeyed, standing so close to the bars that she could feel the heat of his body.

His breath skated across the back of her shoulder. «Lift your hands. Above your head.»

She raised her arms and gripped the cold metal bars, feeling curiously exposed by the position. «It’s as natural as breathing for you, isn’t it?»

«What?» His fingers brushed hers, then started a slow, wicked glide down her arms. «This?» He curled his hands to cup her breasts, palms abrading her nipples. «Or this?»

Carmen whimpered at the sudden rush of pleasure. «Dominating your lover.»

«Don’t need a cage for that,» he agreed as one hand swept lower, spreading wide over her abdomen. «The only reason you’re still in there is to keep me from dominating you. Can’t fuck you through the bars…probably.»

«I think you’re a liar.» She pressed back, reaching through the bars to tangle her hands in his hair. «You could find a way.»

«Maybe.» His fingertips brushed her thighs. «There are people upstairs. You have to keep quiet. Believe me, honey, you wouldn’t be quiet riding my cock.»

He had a dirty mouth, and she had to check a moan. «I don’t think I can be quiet with your hands on me, either.»

«What if I give you something to bite?»

The sensual possibilities left her dizzy. She could sink her teeth into him. She’d have to, because he’d touch her and he’d make her come so hard she’d forget everything, including the people roaming around his house.

Including the dead bodies they’d left outside.

She let go of his hair and pulled away with a ground out curse. «You wouldn’t be doing this if you were in your right mind.»

Alec snarled, but he didn’t disagree with her.

It strengthened her resolve. She bent to gather her clothes, still trembling from his caresses but determined. «Sometime when you’re not high, Alec, and that’s a promise.»

«A promise.» He turned and snatched up his jeans. «I need to go upstairs. I’m going to pop the lock on the cage. Come on up when you’re ready.»

The urge to call him back consumed her, but what would it accomplish? She had nothing to explain, no reason to justify being unwilling to take advantage of his magical arousal when he’d spent the last few days doing the same for her.

And she had done it for him. Because, sooner or later, he’d come back to his senses and find a way to blame himself for losing control.

Carmen dropped her clothes on the cot and pulled on her panties. «I’ll only be a minute or two.»

He didn’t answer, just stopped at a number pad mounted on the wall and typed in a code that resulted in a soft click from the cage door. A moment later he was gone, his feet barely making a sound on the wooden stairs.

She finished dressing slowly, taking the extra time to steel herself. It was insane to feel as though she’d done something wrong, but that didn’t change facts.

She felt like hell.

Shut up, Carmen. It was karmic payback for sniping at Alec every time he pulled away, unwilling to take advantage of her heightened instinctive drives. He’d only been trying to do what was right, what was best.

I need you to be all right. I need to keep you safe.

Best for her, not himself, and that was the key. She climbed the stairs, her mind racing. Alec would hurt himself before he hurt her, and it was more than a platitude or something he’d try to do, except when he fucked up.

It was who he was.

Alec wasn’t upstairs, but the pretty brunette who’d picked Kat up from the clinic sat at the kitchen table, fidgeting. Carmen smiled and hoped she’d already stopped visibly shaking. «Hi, Mackenzie.»

«Hey. Good to see you again.»

«Want some coffee? I could make some.» It probably wouldn’t help Mackenzie’s fidgeting, but it would keep them both from sitting at the table, twiddling their thumbs. «I get the feeling it might be a long night.»

«Sure, coffee’s great.» Mackenzie rocked to her feet. «I would have already made some but I don’t know where anything is in Alec’s kitchen. Or if he has coffee.»

«After the last few days, I’ve figured out the lay of the land.» She rinsed and filled the carafe. «If I hadn’t, by Alec’s own admission, I would have starved by now.»

«Yeah, I get the impression Alec eats a lot of takeout. God knows no one would deliver all the way out here. He’s pretty well in the middle of nowhere.»

Carmen paused in the act of settling a fresh filter into the pot. «I have no idea where we are. South of the city?»

«Southwest.» Mackenzie hesitated. «You were pretty out of it, I guess. But you seem to be doing a lot better.»

«I don’t think it worked,» she confessed. «Or maybe it did, it’s just not finished. The witch said she needed more time.»

Mackenzie hopped up onto the counter and crossed her legs, bouncing one foot so that her sandal dangled. «I’m not a magical expert or anything, but based on my experience, you’d know. I had some big badass spell cast on me to keep me from shifting, and when it started to fall apart… Well, there weren’t exactly lucid periods. First I tried climbing the walls, then I tried climbing Jackson.»

Suppressing the blush that rose was impossible, so Carmen kept her gaze riveted to the coffee maker. «The, uh, climbing. Yeah, I’m familiar with that part. What happened to you…afterward?»

«They had to reinforce the spell, but the second it was gone, I shifted. I couldn’t have stopped it.»

It sounded nothing like the way she’d had to strain and grasp for the slightest flicker of magic. «Definitely not, then.»

«Well, congrats.» Mackenzie hesitated, her foot frozen mid-bounce. «Right?»

«Right.» Even as she spoke, Carmen shook away the tiny, inexplicable frisson of doubt that rose. «Right. I mean, this isn’t something I would have chosen.»

«Then it’s good. And the rest will shake itself out.»

«Of course it will.» Carmen leaned one hip against the counter. «Are Jackson and Alec outside?»

«Yeah. Jackson’s got Kat on the phone about something and Alec’s dealing with…»

«Oh.» She grasped the edge of the counter and tried not to babble. «Seems like I should help him, doesn’t it? They came here because of me. Alec wouldn’t have two dead people in his front yard if it wasn’t for me.»

«That’s not» Mackenzie leaned forward and dropped a hand to Carmen’s shoulder. «I don’t know if this is going to make you feel better or worse, but either way you deserve to hear it. This isn’t anything new for him.»

Another warning. «Don’t worry, Alec’s already taken pains to explain to me exactly what his life is like. I know.»

«Then let him take care of it. Let him do what’s going to put him on solid footing.»

She’d spent years avoiding her father’s family and all other lasting connections to wolf society. Yet here she was, with a man who knew nothing else, treading the line between casual involvement and something that could change her life.

Carmen didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Mackenzie slid off the counter a second before the front door swung open. «I’m going to go check on Jackson.»

Which meant it was Alec coming through the door. «Later, Mackenzie.» Carmen ran her hands through her hair and reached into the cabinet for two mugs.

Footsteps sounded behind her, but Alec didn’t touch her before he spoke. «You okay?»

She turned to face him, and her heart skipped at the implacable look on his face. «I think so. What about you?»

He shrugged one shoulder, then looked away. «Nothing kills a hard-on like burying bodies.»

Harsh words that covered something, though Carmen couldn’t tell what. She reached back and gripped the edge of the counter to steady herself. «I could have done it.»

«It’s not» Alec sighed. «I’m sorry. That was a shitty thing to say.»

The space between them was more than physical, a palpable emotional distance that left her feeling awkward. «Do you want me to go?»

«I don’t want you to.» That at least had the emotional punch of honesty, but it didn’t erase the tension vibrating off him. «I think — I think maybe you need to, though. Franklin can keep an eye on you, and I’ll be a lot more effective at finishing this shit with your family once I’ve got my head on straight.»

«Once you» Once she was gone, and he didn’t have to think about her anymore. Carmen shivered and crossed her arms over her chest. «That’s it, huh?»

«It has to be it.» He took a step toward her, filling the small kitchen with the intensity of his power. «When you’re in a room, seventy-five percent of me is focused on you. The rest of the world might as well not be there. I can’t be effective like this. I can’t protect you.»

He’d already told her that was what he needed more than anything. More than being close to her. «I understand.»

«It’s not about you. You get that, don’t you?»

«Yeah.» If anything, it made it hurt worse. He wasn’t pushing her away because she wasn’t what he wanted, or because they didn’t fit. She simply wasn’t worth fighting for. «I’m not going to sit around, Alec, waiting to be convenient for you. If I leave, I’m moving on.»

It hurt him, and he couldn’t hide it. But he didn’t admit it, either. «This isn’t how I wanted it to go. I wanted» A breath. His shoulders slumped. «Doesn’t really matter what. My life’s never going to be safe. There’s always another crisis.»

Then you’re always going to be hiding. She didn’t want to torture either of them, so she took a step toward the door. «I hope you find» The hard lump that formed in her throat choked off the words.

He stared at her in anguished silence until the front door crashed open. Mackenzie strode in, bright-eyed and smiling and riding a wave of sympathy. «Hey, Alec. Sorry, should have knocked, but Jackson’s got some stuff for you in the car and it can’t wait.»

Alec pivoted and leveled a glare on her, one so sharp it should have flayed her skin. Mackenzie just stared back, completely unperturbed — and clearly unwilling to leave. After a tense few moments, Alec stalked past her, pausing at the door to look at Carmen. «I’ll be right back.»

It didn’t matter, because she wouldn’t be there, even if it meant she had to walk home. «Excuse me, Mackenzie. I have to pack my things.»

Alec slammed the door behind him.

«Well.» Mackenzie folded her arms over her chest and eyed Carmen. «I’ll hit him, if it makes you feel better. Probably won’t do much damage, but it pisses the hell out of him that I’m faster than he is.»

Of course Mackenzie would have heard. Carmen flushed and shook her head. «I just need to go. Can you give me a ride?»

«Not a problem. I’ll even help you pack.»

The faster she could leave, the better. Maybe, if Carmen was lucky, the other woman wouldn’t want to talk about it, and she could lock down until she got home.

She just had to make it home.

Alec talked to Jackson long enough to make sure he and Mackenzie would get Carmen home safely. Then he got in his truck and drove.

The coward’s way out, but he was feeling cowardly. Way too weak to watch Carmen pack her things and walk out of his life, even if letting her was the right thing to do. It had been so clear outside, with the stench of death in the air and the proof of danger at his feet. Carmen needed to be safe, and she wouldn’t be safe around him. No woman ever had been.

But when she looked at him…

He drove twenty miles before he was sure he could relax without turning the truck around and going back to stop her. His wolf clawed at him, furious that he’d let the female they both craved slip through his fingers. There’d been a hunt. A chase. So close to claiming her, and now she was gone, and they were alone.

Always alone.

At least someone else understood his pain. He called Andrew from fifteen minutes outside of town. A half an hour later they faced each other across the wooden floor of Zola’s second-floor sparring area.

Words weren’t important. They’d never needed them anyway, not when Andrew had been reborn with instincts as overpowering as Alec’s own. Usually those instincts gave Alec the advantage, but today they felt fuzzy, compromised by his need for Carmen and the lack of her ripping its way into his soul, like she’d taken chunks of him with her when she’d gone.

It slowed him down. Not so much that a lesser fighter would have been able to take advantage of it, but Andrew wasn’t just another wolf. He fought with a vicious edge and didn’t hold back. Pain blurred the edges of Alec’s misery. Frustration mounted every time Andrew spilled him to the floor, and that helped distract him too.

They fought for an hour before Andrew took him down with a right hook Alec should have seen coming long before it landed. The younger wolf stepped back, panting. «What the fuck is going on, Alec? I telegraphed the hell out of that move.»

Alec lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling as his jaw throbbed. Andrew was younger than him. A protégé. A successor. But he was other things too. A dominant wolf. Pack.

With the world spinning out of control, Andrew was a steady presence — someone who didn’t need his protection. It was safe to show weakness. «I lost her before I should have even wanted her.»

«What?»

Shit. It had gone down so fast no one even knew. «The doctor. Carmen Mendoza. I went sideways stupid over her, and my instincts went with me.»

«Oh.» Andrew dropped to the mat beside him. «You like Carmen?»

Like was a stupid word, one that made him feel a thousand years old, and it highlighted an uncomfortable truth. «Sure, I like her. Like isn’t what makes the world tilt ten degrees every time she walks into a room. She’s only half wolf, but I guess that half packs a punch.»

«Huh.» Andrew flashed him a quizzical frown. «I’m trying to wrap my brain around it. She seems so…nice.»

«She is nice. That’s probably why she’s already walked out on me. I’m too much of an asshole to make a nice woman happy.»

«Well, what happened?»

Alec covered his eyes with his hand. «I damn near lost it. More than once. You think what you did to Kat was bad? You had a fucking excuse. I’m just out of control. Drunk on instinct and stupid.»

Andrew snorted. «Speaking from experience, I don’t think you’d be this fucked up about it if she walked out on you. If that happened, you’d be relieved, not beating yourself up.»

He wanted to ask Andrew how relieved he’d be when Kat started going out on dates with smooth-talking Miguel Mendoza, but he didn’t have the heart to rub salt in that wound.

At least there was one thing he could ask. One thing where Andrew was the expert, because Alec’s instincts had never been this out of control before. «Is your head clear? When Kat’s not around, when you’re not having to deal with her… Does all the instinctive shit go away too?»

«Most of the time.» He shrugged. «Never goes away, not completely. What you’ve got to do is make peace with it. The pain’s yours. You hurt her, right? That means you deserve it.»

A chillingly succinct summation that told Alec more about Andrew than himself — and held up an unpleasant mirror. This was where Alec was headed. Straight to Andrew’s personal hell, where he sacrificed everything and gave up the woman he loved because it was the right thing to do. Whether anyone could see it or not, Andrew was still bleeding.

Bleeding, but clear-headed. Alec was anything but, which meant he was facing a different problem all together. Carmen had taken parts of him. His rationality, his higher-thinking processes. Some sort of magic had tied them together, and walking away might not be enough — assuming he could stay away.

Even lying on his back, bruised and aching, he craved her with an intensity that bordered on madness. Assuming he could walk away might be the dumbest thing he’d done all day — and that was saying something.