Deadlock

Chapter Fifteen

There were definite advantages to having a girlfriend.

Carmen’s skin was smooth and warm under his fingers, and he’d discovered he liked the feel of it. Tracing idle patterns on her back was better than any ritual when it came to quieting his mind. Granted, the soft sheen of sweat and the way her heart still beat too fast didn’t hurt. Alec was honest enough to admit that regular, enthusiastic sex with a woman who always knew exactly what he needed was enough to make a man drunk.

It seemed to have done wonders for Carmen’s mood too. She hadn’t unraveled whatever psychic trick it was that brought him inside her shields, and her emotions tickled over his skin, a gentle pressure he was slowly becoming used to. Understanding those emotions had been tricky at first, but now he was learning to separate frustration from anger, and desire from happiness.

All of them were present now. Anger struggling to reassert itself, though happiness seemed to have taken over. Alec let his fingers drift in another lazy circle before speaking. «I like this thing you did. Letting me feel what you’re feeling. Different way of seeing the world, huh?»

«Mmm, I thought about rebuilding everything, but I was dragging my feet.» She propped her head up and smiled at him, her expression one of satisfied, sleepy pleasure. «I like it too.»

Tenderness stirred inside him. He liked her. Not just the hot sex, or the admittedly unusual pleasure of being fed home-cooked meals on a regular basis. He liked her, especially when she had that lazy smile that was nothing but naked, open trust. «You look happy, but you still feel a little pissed off.»

She groaned. «My uncle’s a jackass. While we were gone, he mounted a legal attack on the clinic, all because Franklin threatens his manhood, or maybe his authority. Or both.»

«Or because Franklin’s been my friend for years, and I support the neutrality of his clinic.» Not a pleasant thought, but he’d had it before.

«Whatever the reason, I’m starting to wonder if anyone is ever going to make him stop.»

It wasn’t where he’d expected the conversation to lead, and some of the warm, pleasant afterglow faded. «It’s not that easy.»

«Right. Because everyone else on the Southeast council is busy trying to figure out how they can snatch power for themselves.»

«Not that. If you stop Mendoza today, then tomorrow you’ve got to stop Reed. And the next week, Hopkins will be banging down your door. It never ends, Carmen, and the person who tried to stop it would get himself killed, eventually.»

She sat up and ran her hands through her hair. «I don’t believe they’re all as corrupt as my uncle. Maybe they’re as corrupt as they’re allowed to be. Maybe all it would take to stop them is one strong person standing up to them.»

It was naive. Sweet. It would get her heart broken. «Maybe they’re not all that corrupt. But enough of them are. The majority.»

Her eyes shadowed. «I may not understand being alpha, but I understand taking care of people. Responsibility. Some of the council members have to remember that’s why they’re there.»

He’d spent more than his fair share of time thinking about the Southeast council and the men who ran it, their strengths and weaknesses. «Alan Reed’s not terrible, though he’d like to kick your brother’s ass more than a little. William Levesque is a decent guy. But Hopkins and Hughes… They make your uncle look reasonable.»

«Reed and Levesque, that’s two. And it’s something.»

She didn’t get it. «They’re decent, but they won’t stop Hopkins and Hughes from tearing apart anyone who manages to take on your uncle. Or stop your uncle from doing the same to someone who took out one of the other two.»

«Then I guess you’re right.» He felt the sting of dejection before he heard it in her voice. «The system’s change-proof, and it’s too late to fix it.»

They could have been his words from her lips — and he wanted to disagree. He wanted to change it, for her.

Stupid. The system was change-proof. The people in power had designed it that way. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from holding out a hand to her. «I’m sorry, baby.»

Her hand trembled in his. «It’s not your fault, and it’s silly of me to get upset about it. I just don’t understand how they can not care.»

«A little bit at a time.» He tugged at her hand, urging her to curl up beside him again. «Maybe they’re born into it, raised with it. Maybe they start out thinking they can change it and realize how much there is to lose. Once you’re on the council, losing a challenge can wipe out your whole life.»

«Too much to lose, and not enough to gain.» Her breath feathered over his shoulder as she spoke. «That’s when it happens, isn’t it? When otherwise good people start to do nothing.»

That stung a little. «I’m not doing nothing. I picked my battle. New Orleans is one I can win.»

She tensed and lifted her head to look at him. «That wasn’t a dig, Alec, and I wasn’t talking about you.»

He tried to laugh it off. «Guess I’m feeling defensive.»

For a moment, he thought she might not speak. Then she said, «Maybe you think you should be doing something more.»

«Yeah, well, no one ever said I was bright.»

«I say you are,» she corrected, lifting a hand to his cheek. «I also don’t think you should feel guilty about this. You’re doing what you can.»

It should have been enough. Reassurance. Instead it felt hollow. «So what lets me off the hook when all the other bastards are guilty for letting the world go to hell?»

«Because you’re not letting things stay the way they are because it benefits you. You mean well, and you’re trying.» Her hand traced down until her palm rested over his heart. «I can feel how hard you’re trying.»

Alec slid his hand over hers and closed his eyes. «I try. And sometimes it’s enough.»

Carmen kissed his shoulder. «No, I shouldn’t judge. All I’ve ever seen is the worst part of any of it, so I don’t really understand. I can’t. But you live it, every day.»

The words struck at the heart of the anxiety that had been building in him for months. «Seems like all we’ve got are worst parts, these days. I don’t think it was always like this. Or maybe I’m just tired.»

«Both?» she whispered, pressing her forehead to his. «Shh. I want to show you something.»

Pressure gathered, a low buzz he could feel in his bones. The brush of her power, curling around him. It rose in a gently cresting wave, passion twisted with infatuation, sparkling trust and a sweet kiss of longing. Her feelings, the way he made her feel, bathing the darkest, most jagged corners of him with something wholesome and beautiful.

Alec closed his eyes and dragged in a shaky breath that smelled of sex and skin and Carmen. «Thank you.»

«Don’t thank me.» She stroked his arms, a tender, soothing touch. «Just see yourself the way I see you.»

«Don’t know if I can, honey.» He lifted a hand and touched her cheek. «But at least you let me feel it, for a little while.»

«Whatever you need.» His own words, delivered as a promise instead of an echo.

Alec tugged her down into his arms and rolled them both, until she was on her side and tucked back against his chest. «I’m just afraid it might come down to a showdown with your uncle,» he admitted. «That can’t be easy for you to think about.»

«No,» she admitted. «But I know you’ll only do what you have to do. Maybe…I could talk to him.»

His wolf snarled. He snarled. «If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.»

«I wouldn’t put myself, or you, in that position.»

Easy enough to say, but Carmen had a streak of glorious optimism. «I don’t care if this makes me an overbearing, irrational ass. Don’t go see him by yourself. Please, Carmen.»

«I wouldn’t, Alec, I swear. Not without you or Julio.»

Julio was an acceptable alternative. A strong enough wolf to face down his uncle, if he had to, and determined to keep his sister safe. «Good. Speaking of your brothers, I went to see Miguel.»

«I know.» She turned her face to his. «He left a message while I was at the clinic. He said he’d talked to you.»

Uh-oh. «Yeah? What else did he say?»

«That you’re a hardass and an impossible bastard.» Carmen laughed. «He likes you.»

The kid’s world was likely tilted sideways. Even if he didn’t know or understand it, the steadying presence of an alpha would settle anxieties he’d never had before. «Did he also tell you that he’s been getting cozy with Kat?»

«He did. Does it bother you?»

Alec sighed and closed his eyes. «It’s a messy situation. Your brother’s a new wolf, going through a lot of shit, and Kat’s… Well, she’s pretty determined to take care of him. But I’m worried maybe it’s not for the right reasons.»

Carmen kissed the corner of his mouth. «No getting involved in other people’s relationships. It’ll just make them mad and you crazy.»

Alec curled his fingers around the back of her neck, holding her steady so he could meet her gaze. «He’s one of mine now, Carmen. It’s not because I want to be involved, or I like being involved. New wolves and relationships can be trouble. Knowing that, worrying about that — it’s always going to be who I am.»

That gave her pause. «Are you worried about his safety? Hers?»

«I’m worried…» He struggled to put the indefinable into words. «Shapeshifter mating is about bodies, and bodies are the least important thing to us. They heal. Maybe that makes broken hearts hurt that much more. We forget we’re not indestructible.» With the fragile curve of her neck under his hand, his chest ached. «We forget that a human woman can still destroy us.»

Her sympathy flowed over him. «Because we’re not indestructible either?»

«That’s part of it,» he acknowledged, but for once he hadn’t been thinking of his wife. He was thinking about Miguel, awash in the well-meaning concern that Kat had never been allowed to heap on Andrew. Then again, maybe a telepath wasn’t in danger of misunderstanding. Maybe the swelling anxiety had more to do with the woman he held in his arms.

Losing Carmen would hurt. She didn’t need to die to break something inside him. All she had to do was walk away.

«Alec.» She mirrored his gesture, sliding her hand under the back of his neck. «Trusting someone, sharing yourself… It’s a risk, not one anyone has to take, but the alternative is a terribly lonely one.»

«I know.» With her lips so close to his, it was easy to kiss her. Slow, deep. He stopped fighting for words that would never come out right, that would never be articulate enough to give voice to things that weren’t very human. Instead he felt it all, and knew she’d understand.

Carmen made a soft noise and smiled against his lips. «Me too.»

There was a crazy sort of peace in a woman who knew his heart, even the dark places, and still wanted to kiss him.