Finding Audrey

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

Camera pans towards a closed door.

AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)

So this is my dad’s study. This is where he works when he’s not at the office.

The door is pushed open by a hand. We see Dad, slumped at his desk, gently snoring. On the screen is an Alfa Romeo sports car.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Dad? Are you asleep?

Dad jumps up and hastily closes down his monitor.

DAD

I wasn’t ASLEEP. I was thinking. So, have you wrapped your present for Mum?

AUDREY (V.O.)

That’s why I’m here. Do you have any wrapping paper?

DAD

I do.

He reaches for a roll of wrapping paper and hands it to Audrey.

DAD

And look what else!

He produces a white pâtisserie box and opens it to reveal a large birthday cake. It is iced with a big ‘39’.

There is silence for a moment.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Dad, why have you put ‘thirty-nine’ on Mum’s cake?

DAD

No one’s too old for a personalized birthday cake.

(He twinkles at the camera)

I know I’m not.

AUDREY (V.O.)

But she’s not thirty-nine.

DAD

(puzzled)

Yes she is.

AUDREY (V.O.)

No she’s not.

DAD

Yes she—

He breaks off and gasps. Aghast. He looks at the cake and back at the camera.

DAD

Oh God. Will she mind? No. Of course she won’t mind. I mean, it’s one year, what’s the big deal—

AUDREY (V.O.)

Dad, she will SO mind.

Dad looks panic-stricken.

DAD

We need a new cake. How long do we have?

We hear the sound of a door banging downstairs.

MUM (OFF-SCREEN)

I’m home!

Dad looks freaked out.

DAD

Audrey, what shall I do?

AUDREY (V.O.)

We can fix it. We can change it to ‘thirty-eight’.

DAD

With what?

He picks up a Tipp-Ex pot.

AUDREY (V.O.)

No!

There’s a knocking at the door and Frank comes in.

FRANK

Mum’s home. When are we doing her birthday tea?

Dad is uncapping a Sharpie.

DAD

I’ll use this.

AUDREY (V.O.)

No! Frank, go to the kitchen. We need some writing icing or something. Anything edible you can write with. But don’t let Mum know what you’re doing.

FRANK

(baffled)

Anything edible you can write with?

DAD

Quick!

Frank disappears. The camera focuses on the cake.

AUDREY (V.O.)

How did you get her age wrong? I mean, how did you manage that?

DAD

(clutches head)

I don’t know. I’ve spent all month writing financial reports about next year. My whole mindset is next year. I guess I lost a year somewhere.

Frank bursts into the room holding a squeezy bottle of Heinz ketchup.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Ketchup? Seriously?

FRANK

(defensive)

Well, I didn’t know!

Dad grabs the bottle.

DAD

Can we turn a ‘nine’ into an ‘eight’ with ketchup?

FRANK

You won’t fool her.

AUDREY (V.O.)

Go over the whole number with ketchup. Make the whole thing a ketchup cake.

FRANK

Why would you ice a cake with ketchup?

DAD

(hurriedly icing)

Mum loves ketchup. It’s fine. It’s all good.