Theirs to Keep

C H A P T E R F I F T E E N

ELLE TOOK REFUGE IN THE bathroom as soon as Cade left. She stared at herself in the mirror and thought she looked scared and off balance.

She frowned. Damn but she was tired of being afraid. She wanted her life back but not in the sense that she wanted whatever she’d come from before. She wanted a normal life now. Right where she was. She wanted the reassurance of knowing who she was and that she had a place in this world. But she didn’t want that knowledge to change a single thing about her life now. She just wanted…peace. And to be able to offer Cade and Merrick something more than a helpless, dependent freak who didn’t even remember her past.

Her biggest fear was that when her memory came back it would destroy her present, which was laughable given she didn’t have a present.

She had nothing.

She was surrounded by people who gave her the hope of having this life, and yet she was living a farce. This wasn’t hers. But she wanted it to be. She wanted to go with Merrick to his title fight. Wanted to be there when he won and to join in the celebration. She wanted to have a role in Cade’s business, be instrumental in his work on a daily basis.

Was she asking too much? And was she not trying hard enough to remember her old life? Was she subconsciously sabotaging her efforts by suppressing her memories?

In the beginning, Cade and Merrick had wanted to launch their own investigation. Get with a few of their friends on the police force. Search missing persons records. Even put her picture on local news broadcasts then go wide on the Internet.

The mere thought had sent such irrational panic and fear through her that she still couldn’t bear to think of it. She didn’t know much about her past, but she knew that if she didn’t stay hidden,he would find her. And she didn’t even know who he was.

Stupid bitch. I’m going to kill you, but first I’m going to have what he’s been having.

The words popped into her head like they’d been read off a cue card. Only, the voice wasn’t hers. It was a man’s. It struck ice in her veins, and she knew without question she was remembering what had happened right before he raped her.

She leaned over and pressed her forehead to the counter, sucking in deep, steadying breaths.

What did it mean?

She shook her head, not wanting to remember. She wanted his voice out of her head. She never wanted to hear it again. Never wanted that prickle at her nape or the instant tightening in her belly. It was the closest she’d come to having any memory at all of her violation or the events after.

She didn’t want it to come back!

If she never remembered what had been forced upon her, it would be just fine with her. She didn’t need that part of her past. Forgetting was the kindest thing that could have happened to her even if she sacrificed her identity in the process.

“Elle, are you all right in there?”

Merrick’s voice through the door startled her, but at the same time, she was so relieved that she yanked open the bathroom door, and before he could say anything, she flew into his arms.

Her pulse was beating a rapid staccato, and her chest felt like it was going to explode. She clung to him, wrapped around him so tightly that he couldn’t have pried her away with a crowbar.

“Elle, what the hell is going on?” Merrick demanded as he tried to maneuver down the hallway toward the living room.

But she didn’t want him to move. She wanted him to stand right where he was so she could hold on. She buried her face in his chest and squeezed her eyes shut so the words would go away. So he would go away.

“Baby, you’re shaking like a leaf.”

She found herself lifted, hoisted in the air, and she made a grab for his neck, afraid that he’d let her go.

“Please,” she croaked. “Just hold me a minute.”

He took her into his bedroom across the hall and sat on the edge of the bed. “Of course I will. As long as you want. What’s scared you so bad, Elle? Talk to me.”

The urgency in his voice stirred her. She loosened her hold on his neck and then carefully eased away, but she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

She was cold. On the inside. Her fingers were numb. Even her lips felt cold.

“I heard him,” she said falteringly.

“Who did you hear?”

She closed her eyes and leaned forward until her forehead met his lips. “Him. The man who r-raped me. The one who tried to kill me.”

Merrick went completely stiff. He wrapped his arms around her, surrounding her and enveloping her in his embrace. She loved the sensation of being surrounded by him. Nothing could hurt her when he held her. He was invincible.

“What do you mean you heard him? Today? At the store? Did you see something that made you remember?”

She shook her head. “In the bathroom. I remembered…”

He hugged her to him for a long moment as if to allow her time to gather her composure. Then he gently pulled away so he could look into her eyes.

“What did you remember?” he asked in a low voice.

She sucked in a deep breath. “Just words. His voice. He s-said that I was a stupid bitch and he was going to kill me, but first he was going to have what he’s been having.”

Merrick frowned. “Is that all? Nothing else? Could you picture his face or his features?”

She closed her eyes and shook her head almost irrationally. No, she didn’t want to remember. She welcomed the blankness.

“I don’t even understand. The man said, ‘I’m going to have what he’s been having.’ But who was he talking about? Who is the he the man mentioned?”

Merrick touched her cheek until finally she opened her eyes and trained her gaze on him.

“Elle, baby,” he said in a tender voice. “He can’t hurt you anymore. Cade and I will protect you. He can’t hurt you.”

Tears swam in her eyes. “I don’t want to remember, Merrick. I don’t. I’m…happy…here. With you,” she blurted. “And Cade.”

He leaned down and carefully kissed away her tears. His lips were warm and electric on her face and skin. And oh so very tender.

“You do know that you aren’t going anywhere, don’t you?” he said as he drew away. “We aren’t going to toss you out. We aren’t going to get tired of you. We aren’t going to do anything at all but take care of you and protect and cherish you.”

“B-both of you?”

She hated the hope his words instilled, because what she was asking was impossible.

“How about we have this conversation when Cade returns,” Merrick said gently. “This is important to him—to us. To me. Some things just need to be said. Worked out. I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding over this.”

Slowly she nodded and then sagged into his chest. “I’m still afraid, and I hate it,” she whispered. “I hate being so damn helpless and powerless. I hate being a coward who doesn’t want to remember, who prefers a blank slate to remembering the person I was.”

He stroked his hand over her hair. “You went through a horrific ordeal. It’s only natural that you’re scared. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just know that Cade and I are here, and if you’re ever scared, all you have to do is come to one of us. As for the rest, it will come in time. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you’re ready and able to hold up under whatever it is that’s hiding in your past, you’ll remember.”

His words bolstered her flagging spirit. They slid soul deep, offering her comfort in the darkest places of her mind and spirit.

She sighed and melted into his embrace, allowing his touch to warm and soothe her shattered senses.

In the distance, she heard Cade call that he needed help with the groceries, and she popped her head up.

She scrambled off Merrick’s lap but then hesitated, standing between his knees. Then she leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips.

“Thank you. I don’t know what happened to send you and Cade to me, but I thank God for you both every day.”

Merrick smiled. “Ever consider that we thank him for giving us you?”

Her eyes widened, because no, she hadn’t ever considered such a thing. Frankly it seemed ludicrous to her that the two of them would thank anyone for having such a burden dumped on their lap.

Merrick rose and took her hand. “Come on. Let’s go help Cade with the groceries, and then you can figure out what you want to make for dinner. That was what you said, right? You picked out lots of yummy stuff to make for us?”

The hopeful note in his voice made her smile. “Yeah, I did. I was careful to get stuff you can eat. You know, high protein. Low carbs. I didn’t want to mess up your training.”

The look in Merrick’s eyes made her stomach coil into a tight knot. Warmth brimmed in those dark eyes, and he pulled her to him, his hand cupping her cheek.

“That was sweet of you,” he said in a husky voice.

She thought he might kiss her again, but instead he kept hold of her hand, squeezing lightly as he headed in Cade’s direction.

They entered the kitchen as Cade was bringing in an armful of sacks.

“There more?” Merrick asked.

“Just two,” Cade said.

“I’ll grab them. You and Elle start putting up.”

Elle turned to open one of the sacks, but Cade put his hand out to her. His expression was troubled and inquiring as he stared at her.

“You okay? You look upset.”

She offered a smile. “I was, but I’m okay now. Really.”

He tugged her into his arms and kissed her, warm, sweet and lingeringly. And then he slowly pulled away, his eyes sparking with heat. She stood there, a little befuddled, while he began putting the milk and eggs in the refrigerator.

“Hey, no slacking,” Merrick said as he came through the door.

She blinked and then looked down at the still-full sack in front of her. Things had changed. Big-time changed. After six months of treating her with the utmost care and patience, suddenly they were being… She wasn’t even sure what it was they were being. They were still certainly careful and patient. So very gentle and loving. But now it was different. It was almost as if they were testing her…readiness?

Her ability to handle intimacy?

It was an insane thought, but she swore that was precisely what they were doing. And if so, was she ready? Or was she traumatized by something she couldn’t even remember?

More importantly, and what was making her head spin right off her shoulders, was that both men had expressed interest. Those kisses hadn’t been the kiss of a friend or acquaintance or even some affection for a woman they felt sorry for.

There may be a lot of things she couldn’t remember, but passion definitely wasn’t one of them. The heat that emanated from those kisses had nearly set her on fire.

But both of them?

It had occupied her thoughts enough, but she’d never breathed a single word aloud. She’d never even hinted that she’d had such a ridiculous thought.

She’d kept her ache secret and buried so deep that only she knew what had weighed so heavily on her mind.

She knew she had feelings for both men. Complex feelings. Some of which she didn’t even understand. All she knew was that it wasn’t something so simple as gratitude or attachment to the men who’d saved her. Nor was she latched onto them solely because she felt safe with them.

She wanted to be with them. Both of them. But never, ever had she imagined such a thing possible. She would have never brought it up, so afraid was she that it would ruin everything.

But now it seemed that they were bringing it up in their own way. Was it possible that they’d had the same thoughts she had?

She’d written it off as crazy. Something that happened with other people. People you saw on television shows or daytime corny talk shows.

She was so scared and hopeful at the same time she wanted to burst. The more she thought about it and weighed it in her mind, the more she considered that they wouldn’t both be saying the things they were saying and wouldn’t be both kissing her if they didn’t have some sort of plan of both being a part of her life. Her future.

Cade’s hand came down on her shoulder, and then his other hand slipped underneath her chin, and he tilted it upward until she met his very worried gaze.

“Elle, you sound like you’re about to hyperventilate, and you’ve been staring into space for several minutes. What’s going on?”

Some of the haze cleared, and she stared back and then beyond him to where Merrick stood, a frown marring his face. He looked as worried as Cade did.

But the one thing she saw in both faces, in both their eyes, was something she wanted so desperately that she was afraid to even breathe for fear of losing it.

She saw something more than simple affection or worry. She saw something deeper. Something very much like…love.