Hard To Love You

19 Broken - Hailey -

The seven stages of a breakup.

Everyone handles breakups differently, no person is the same. Breakups are messy. Rarely ever are they nice, clean and all tied up with a bow.

Stage One: Shock and Denial.

When Lily told me that she’d been sleeping with Mason and she could be carrying Mason’s child, reality crashed hard. My initial thought was that she was lying. Mason would never cheat on me. But then quickly the denial turned into shock. Lily has no reason to lie to me. What would she benefit from Mason and me breaking up?

Stage Two: Pain and Guilt.

The shock turned into pain. My mind started playing tricks on me - a flash of Lily and Mason hugging and kissing; another of Mason rubbing Lily’s protruding stomach; then the image of Mason proposing to Lily and the two living happily ever after. But then very quickly my pain turned into guilt. Mason has always been there for me. He’s my rock. He wouldn’t hurt me like this.

Stage Three: Anger.

Why is this shit happening to me? What did I do? Was I not enough for Mason? Did he regret me being in his life like my Dad did? Did he ever really love me? All of my anger boiled over and I let it all out by destroying Mason’s things. If he could crush me so easily I was determined to hurt him anyway that I could.

Stage Four: Reflection and Loneliness

This is where I currently am. Mason just threw a remote at me, well not at me, but in my direction. Flashes of my father throwing the phone at me flood my memory. I freeze in fear. Mason storms past me towards his bedroom. I hear a loud bang down the hall; I glance in the direction the noise came from. He is standing in the doorway, and even from this far away I can see how rigid his muscles are. Mason’s livid. I’ve moved on from anger. A few minutes later he stomps past me, leaving a trail of blood behind him. As he turns to go down the stairs I catch a glimpse of his right hand, his pitching hand, it’s dripping with red. In this moment I know things are going south and fast for Mason and me, and in a blink of an eye he’s gone.

Mason and I have always been passionate about each other, at least that’s what MacKenzie, Jaylinn and Chloe have told me. We are either on the same page, where nothing can stop us as long as we have each other. Or we are frigid towards each other and we can’t see what is right in front of us. I thought after we decided to try and have a relationship that we would be great for each other. We were for a while. I guess you can call it the honeymoon stage; but then shit got real, secrets were kept and love was destroyed.

Our first real fight happened during my blissful prom weekend. I thought we were going in one direction but Mason had other ideas. A lot of things changed for me that year.

After Mason and I had sex together for the first time, I thought we were finally going to become a couple. Boy was I wrong. Mason took great care of me after it was over and was really sweet. He ran a bath for me and I convinced him to join me. After the water had turned cold Mason helped me out of the tub and we spent the rest of the night wrapped in each other arms. I had blocked out everything else about that night, I was enjoying my bliss.

The next morning was like someone had flipped a switch. When I woke up, Mason was gone. I got dressed and went in search of him. MacKenzie and a few of our other girlfriends were already downstairs and dressed for the beach.

“Morning Hails. The girls and I are gonna go down to the beach for a little while, you want to come?” MacKenzie asked.

I gave her a little head nod to follow me. I walked a little further down the hall so that the other girls couldn’t hear me. “Have you seen Mason?”

“Yeah. He’s already on the beach waiting for us. Him, Cooper and Hunter went for a run early this morning and then we all decided to go spend the day relaxing. So, um, are you ok?” MacKenzie shifted nervously from one foot to the other. “You know with everything that went down with Matt last night?”

Whew. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Mason and I talked about it last night and I’m actually happy things worked out the way they did.” I was worried that MacKenzie found out about Mason and me before I had a chance to tell her.

“Oh good.” She kind of looked a little upset but now wasn’t the time or place to tell her what really happened last night.

“I’ll run up and change into my bikini and meet you down here in a second.” I ran back up the steps before she could even answer me.

I changed into my white bikini with black stargazers on it, grabbed a towel and my sunglasses and then ran back downstairs. MacKenzie, all our friends and I grabbed a bunch of snacks, drinks and towels, locked the door and went down to the beach.

Once we passed the sand dunes, the guys came into sight and it felt like someone reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Mason, Cooper and Hunter were down there with a bunch of girls hanging on and all around them. This was the norm for them but seeing it now, after having sex with Mason, stung.

I pushed forward and tried to act like things didn’t bother me but I was pissed. I sat on the opposite side of our group, the furthest I could get from Mason. When my friends went into the water with the boys I stayed back. I was acting childish but Mason hadn’t acknowledged me at all and that fucking hurt. Finally, a few hours later and still nothing from Mason, I’d had enough. I claimed I had a headache and went back to the house alone. I took a quick shower and climbed into my bed in MacKenzie’s room. Later that evening MacKenzie woke me up and said everyone was going to dinner. I kind of felt bad for ditching earlier so I decided I would go with my friends and try to get out of this funk.

When we arrived at the restaurant I thought it was only going to be us girls but I was wrong and should have known better. The boys barely ever let MacKenzie or me out of their sight. Mason, Cooper and Hunter were already there with their posse of girls from earlier. I was stuck, with no way of getting out of here now. Dinner was painful. Mason ignored me and I was starting to regret last night. If I had known things would have changed like this for us I never would have had sex with him.

After dinner we all decided to go for a walk on the boardwalk. I talked myself into sticking it out with my friends. Surprisingly the night was turning out to be a blast. We were playing games, running into other kids from our school, taking turns on rides and eating ice cream. I forgot all about Mason until I walked around the side of the water gun game and saw him kissing the girl that had been hanging off him all day. I froze; I couldn’t get my legs to move. When the kiss ended Mason looked over at me for the first time all day, eyes wide. He’d been caught. A tear slid down my cheek, I was pissed and hurt. I turned and ran the entire way home. I didn’t stop until I was behind the closed door of the bedroom. My phone had been blowing up with calls and texts the whole way. I ignored them all. As I slipped out of my sandals I quickly tapped out a text to MacKenzie, letting her know that I wasn’t feeling well again and I was home in bed. I powered the phone off and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up extremely early the next morning. The sun wasn’t even up yet. When I sat up there was a single rose sitting on my bed with a note from Mason asking me to meet him down on the beach. I knew it was a bad idea, I should’ve just ignored him but I couldn’t leave things unresolved between us. We were entwined in each other’s lives.

I threw on a light pink halter and tan shorts. I had done my hair with a side braid, slipped on a pair of pink flip flops and went down to find Mason. He was sitting out there all alone, watching the sun rise. I should have taken a picture of him sitting like that. I cherished our times when it was just the two of us, or when Mason didn’t think anyone was watching. That was the Mason I wanted, not the one that showed up yesterday.

I took a seat next to him and waited for him to talk.

“I know I was an asshole to you yesterday. I’m sorry. It wasn’t right.” Mason finally said while looking over at me for the first time.

I fiddled with my fingers in my lap. “Do you regret it?” The question had been burning for me to ask it. I needed to know.

“No. Not at all.”

I believed him; Mason had no reason to lie. But I felt like there was more he had to say. “But,”

Mason sighed loudly. “But it can’t turn into anything Hailey.” Mason shook his head. “And I feel like a dick.”

I begged the tears not to come. Could I handle losing him? Did I ever really have him? No, I didn’t, but I could handle it and this would just make me stronger. I needed to be brave, needed to prove to Mason that I didn’t always need him.

I held my head high. “I wasn’t expecting it to Mase, but I wasn’t expecting the cold shoulder either. You kissing that girl yesterday was fucked up, especially after our night. It was like a slap in my face.” I laughed nervously trying to stay brave. “Thank god it was only my v-card.” I shrugged. “No big deal.” I lied. It was really a huge fucking deal to me.

Mason looked over at me like I’d lost my goddamn mind and I probably had. “It is a big deal, Hailey. My life is crazy right now. I don’t have time for a girlfriend. I have games until the end of month, I get the first two weeks in June to myself, then the summer league in Cape Cod starts and right after that college ball starts.” He dug his heels into the sand a little more. “I wish things were different but the timing just isn’t right. You and MacKenzie are going to be starting college in the fall. You don’t want to be tied down right now.”

I cut him off before he could list all the reasons why he thought we should or shouldn’t be together. “Mason I get it. Baseball has always come first. I knew this years ago. You’re chasing your dream. I get it.”

Mason closed his eyes and dropped his head forward. He sat like that for a few minutes. “Kissing that girl yesterday was wrong and I’m sorry you saw it. That was the worst thing I’ve ever done to you and here you are being all understanding and shit. I thought you would be tearing me a new asshole. Hailey you deserve someone a hell of a lot better than me.”

I rolled my eyes. “I probably do but no one will ever compare to you, Mase.”

Mason put his arm around my shoulders, and we sat like it until the sun came up. A new day closed a chapter for Mason and me, at least for a little while. He chose baseball over me. I wasn’t angry with him but it would have been nice if things could have worked out a little differently for us.

After graduation I went out on a few dates, trying everything in my power to forget about Mason. I started drinking, getting careless and a little reckless. That’s how I chose to deal with getting over Mason. I had a few one-night stands, doing the walk of shame the next morning, but no matter what happened, my heart refused to give anyone a chance. Mason was my one that got away.

I am all alone. I am scared shitless about the future. After composing myself, I call Jaylinn and tell her I am on my way back and we will talk when I get there. I go back into Mason’s room and pick up one of the pictures of us to take with me. I lock up the doors and go back to MacKenzie’s house.

I explain everything to Jaylinn and Cooper. I apologize for sticking Jaylinn with Ryder all day and I apologize to Cooper for laying all my problems about Mason out on him. Both say there is nothing to be sorry for and they are the ones that are actually sorry if what Lily said is true. They both leave and promise to call me tomorrow. I really wish MacKenzie was here, I need my best friend.

I pick up Ryder from his highchair, and sit and watch cartoons for the rest of the night until he falls asleep in my arms. I am on autopilot mode, just coasting to get by.

Did I just make a huge mistake?

Did I just lose the one, my mirror, for good?

As time passes a sinking feeling settles over me that I had seriously over reacted.