Losing Logan

Thirteen

The inside of the police station is nothing like what you see on TV. It actually looks like the freaking DMV, only a little more cheerful. The detectives lead mom and I into a big conference room looking area with a full glass wall and no windows. It’s generic and sterile and reeks of burnt coffee and old spice. I take a seat at one side of the table. Starsky and Hutch stare at me across the table. I eyeball them coldly, trying to decide which one is going to play bad cop.

“Miss Reed. As your mother told you, Kaylee Greely was found dead early this morning. How well did you know Miss Greely?”

Logan stands behind the detectives, watching me.

“Just be honest,” he encourages.

“Not well. I knew of her. We’d spoken a few times.”

“So you weren’t close?”

“No, why?” I ask, irritation growing in chest like a thorny vine.

“Just answer the questions please.”

“Um, I am.”

Mom reaches over and pats my shoulder.

“Did you see her yesterday?”

I take a deep breath. “Yeah. At school. She was in the bathroom, crying.”

I pucker, trying to decide whether to leave it there or press forward. Logan nods for me to continue.

“She was sick. Throwing up. I gave her a cool towel. And, uh, she asked me to hand her purse to her. It spilled and there was a pregnancy test inside.”

They exchange another mysterious look and scribble on a big yellow pad of paper.

“I asked her about it, and she admitted she was pregnant.”

“Is that all?”

I shrug. “I felt bad for her, offered to drive her home, she told me no and left on her own.”

“Is that the last time you saw her.”

I nod.

The chunky guy opens a file on the counter.

“Have you ever been to the Apple Mountain Radio Tower?”

I nod again.

“How long ago was that?”

“I went a few months ago with a cleanup crew, and then again about a week ago.”

“For what purpose did you go all the way up there, Miss Reed?”

I clench my jaw.

“I went because…I wanted to try to understand what happened to Logan.”

“Were you and Logan close?”

I nod. “Best friends when we were little. And we had recently re-connected.”

“What did you do at the tower?”

I stop, glaring at them both. “What are you accusing me of?”

“They think you might have had something to do with it, just be honest, Zoe. Tell them everything. If you lie about anything, it will only make it worse.”

“We just need you to answer the question, please.”

I shrug. “I walked around. Climbed up the tower. I was just looking for…I dunno, anything that might give me some clue to who did this.”

“Did what?” The short woman asks.

I pause again. Leaning forward I put my palms flat on the table.

“For whoever murdered Logan.”

I swear I see a slight twitch in her eye.

“Logan Cooper’s death has been ruled a suicide.”

I sit back, folding my arms across my chest.

“Nope. No way. I could almost swallow an accident, but Logan would never kill himself.”

“Why do you say that?” the man asks.

I cock my head, looking directly at Logan as I speak.

“Because Logan was a pompous, arrogant, ego driven ass-hammer. He was also completely terrified of heights. No way in hell would he go anywhere near that bridge voluntarily.”

“I thought you said you were friends.”

“We were. Doesn’t mean he was a prince. It means he was a jerk and I liked him anyway.”

“Did you know that the day before he died, Kaylee ended their relationship? She said he was distraught.”

I snort. “I did know that, actually. He told me. He also told me she was cheating on him, did she mention that little nugget? Or how about the fact that they hadn’t had sex in months? Whoever’s baby she was carrying, it wasn’t his.”

The guy tilts his head curiously. “Did that make you angry with Kaylee?”

“Angry? No. Why should it? I just felt sorry for her. A kid at seventeen?” I make a face. “That sucks.”

“Were you having a physical relationship with Logan Cooper?”

I actually laugh out loud. “Ha, no. No.”

“Is there anything else you would like to tell us Miss Reed? Anything you think of that might be helpful?”

“No.” I pause, “Actually, maybe. When I was up at the tower, I found something. A silver necklace that Logan had given Kaylee. It was all broken.”

“What did you do with it?”

“It’s at home, in my dresser. I can bring it to you if you think it’ll help. I was going to…get it fixed and give it back to her.”

“Why would you do that for someone who, according to you, you barely knew?”

I smile softly, “I figured, it was what Logan would want. He’d want her to have it.”

“Do you mind if I ask what happened to your hand?” the lady points at me with the tip of her pen.

I look down. I’d completely forgotten about that. I rub it with the pad of my thumb.

“Yeah, I cut it last week, up at The Tower, actually. The bottom rung has a sharp piece of metal sticking out. I didn’t see it.”

“I remember that,” mom chimes in. “I’m a nurse. I saw it when I got home for my shift. I helped her clean it out and get it bandaged up.”

The detective closes the folder, glancing at his partner.

“We appreciate your cooperation. And we would like to come get that necklace, if you don’t mind.”

I nod. They stand up to leave.

“Wait, can you tell me, what happened? I mean she was sick, but she was fine.”

The lady shakes her head, choosing her next words very carefully. “I’m sorry, but we can’t discuss an ongoing homicide investigation.”

I feel the air combust in my lungs, pain exploding in my chest.

“I’ll stay here and see what I can overhear from these two. Meet you at your house later,” Logan says.

I nod a silent thank you. Mom takes my hand and I let her. I realize I haven’t held her hand once since dad died. As soon as we are in the fresh air I jerk her hand, pulling her into a long hug.

I don’t say anything on the way home, just stare out the window. I keep thinking of Kaylee, expecting to see her pop up in my back seat. Wondering what happened.

Homicide.

Murder.

The words drill into my brain like corkscrews. First Logan, now Kaylee. Is it wrong to assume they are related? Is it even possible that they aren’t? And if Kaylee was murdered, is her spirit hanging around her like Logan’s is? Is she a ghost stalking some random person too? Maybe Logan and Kaylee can skip off into the afterlife together. They always were the perfect couple.

Then Cassidy’s words come back to me.

Perfect couple.

Bruno and I are the new Logan and Kaylee.

Then something else clicks into place.

If Bruno and I are the new Logan and Kaylee, does that make us next on the hit list?

By the time Carlos shows up with pizza, I’ve thoroughly freaked myself out. There’s no sign of Logan and I just feel like ants are crawling up my skin. I hear mom report the bad news to him in the hallway before he makes his way back to my room. Setting the pizza on my desk, he comes over to where I’m curled in my chair like a mental patient.

He doesn’t ask if I’m okay, he just kneels down and sets his head in my lap. I stroke his short, dark hair. Not to be outdone, Brim jumps in my lap, curling herself around his head. Carlos laughs, sits up, and sneezes.

“Why cat? Why do you hate me?”

“Aww, she doesn’t hate you,” I say, nuzzling my kitty. “She loves you.”

He sneezes. “Yeah, loves me to death. That cat is trying to kill me.”

I pet her and she curls up in my lap, purring contentedly.

“The police questioned me,” I offer with a frown.

Carlos closes my door, bringing the pizza box over and folding himself into my old red bean bag. He hands me a slice, which I take, plucking a pepperoni off for Brim.

“Why?”

I shrug. “Because I’m probably the last person who saw her alive.” I pause, “If you don’t count the person who killed her.”

“Wow. Just wow.”

I take a bite and the cheese is still hot enough to burn the roof of my mouth just a little.

“I know,” I mumble around the bite. “And, she was pregnant.”

“Shut up!”

“It’s true.”

“It’s like a made for TV movie. Do they have any suspects?”

I sigh, “Just me as far as I know.”

He looks appalled. “They don’t really think you did anything?”

I shake my head. “They have their heads so far up their own asses, I’d be surprised if they knew day from night.”

“Who do you think did it? The baby daddy?”

It’s not a bad theory, actually. I like it a lot better than the killer wanted to eliminate the perfect couple theory that I’d come up with.

“Maybe. Or maybe baby daddy is just some idiot frat boy who doesn’t even know about the pregnancy.”

“You sure it wasn’t Logan’s baby?”

I nod, taking another bite.

“Okay, who else wanted her dead?”

I stare at him for a minute. That could be a really long list actually. I can think of a dozen girls she bullied, and almost as many guys she managed to insult over the years.

Logan however, was a pretty likeable guy, all things considered.

“It’s not just her. I think whoever killed her is the same person who killed Logan.”

Now Carlos frowns, “I thought it was an accident?”

I shake my head.

“Oh double wow. Now it’s really a made for TV movie.”

“I’m thinking cable.”

“Speaking of PG-13, what is up with you and Kyle Bruno? When did I fall asleep and wake up to find you had taken over the kingdom? What the hell Zoe?”

I shrug. “I ran into him at school last week. He asked me out after a lacrosse practice. Then we talked on the phone a few times. He offered to pick me up for school. Next thing I know, he’s asking me to be his girlfriend and go to Homecoming with him.”

His hands actually flutter to his mouth. For a gay guy, Carlos isn’t what I’d call flaming. But every once in a while he makes an expression like this and I can’t contain my laughter.

“Oh my gawd. Are we going to Homecoming?”

I nod. “And I’ll need my fairy godmother to help me pick out a dress.” I frown, “Oh, and the lemmings want to go too, I think.”

“Okay, first of all, you have got to stop calling them that. They are your lemmings now and you need to keep that in mind. Seriously, Zoe. And secondly, you can’t call me your fairy godmother. It’s offensive.”

I open my mouth to apologize and he chuckles. I flip him off.

“So if I can’t call them lemmings, what should I call them? Minions? Ooh, I know, groupies.”

“How about friends?”

I pout. “Do I have to?”

He nods. “Yep sorry. It’s part of being the leader.”

“What if I don’t want to be the leader?”

He chuckles again, “You should have considered that before you started dating the most popular guy in school and dressing like a model.”

His eyes widen. “Hold up. Is that what the wardrobe make over was all about? Landing yourself a boy?”

I grimace. “Busted.”

He folds his arms. “Zoe, I can honestly say I’ve never been more proud of you than I am right now. Using your feminine wiles to reel in a helpless man-fish. Albeit a very hot man-fish. Seriously.”

“Feel free to shut the hell up.”

“I just want to relish this moment,” he says with a devious grin.

“And I want to not have to kill you and bury the body. I’m willing to do many things, Carlos, digging isn’t one of them.”

“And you wonder why the police suspect you of being a psychotic murderer.”

I pout, “Well, they never actually accused me of being psychotic.”

“Only because they don’t know you.”

I stand up, setting Brim on the floor beside Carlos. She immediately begins rubbing herself against him. He sneezes.

“That’s low, Zoe.”

I shrug. “Kitten bomb. New weapon in the field of allergen warfare.”

He gently brushes Brim aside. “Just remember, that with great popularity comes great responsibility.”

I raise an eyebrow.

He sighs. “I mean, Kaylee used her powers for evil. Remember that girl freshman year that ended up in the hospital because Kaylee called her fat so she stopped eating?”

“How could I forget? I always thought Kaylee should put that on her resume someday. Or the time that guy in her Chemistry class accused her of cheating so she had the football team push his Jeep into the pool?”

He nods. “Classic Kaylee. But that’s what I’m talking about. What if you used your newfound popularity to actually make people’s lives a little better, instead of making people’s lives miserable?”

“I’m intrigued. What are you thinking?”

“Well, like, you know that the debate team just lost their funding and they can’t afford to travel to state this year.”

I frown. “No, I actually didn’t know that.”

“I heard one of the kids in my history class talking about it. Anyway, what if the student council—backed by you and your new friends—did a fundraiser or something to help them out?”

“I like it.” I grab a piece of paper and a pencil and hand it to him. “Here, let’s keep a list of ideas.”

Wiping his hands on his slacks he starts scribbling. When he’s finished, he chews absently on the eraser.

“What else?” I ask

“You could ask the principal to extend off campus lunch privileges to underclassmen. It would help with the crowding issues a little.”

I hold up my hands. “Whoa, what do I look like, a miracle worker?”

He tilts his head, “No you look like the reigning Queen of Royal Oak High School.”

I shake my head. “Kaylee was the queen.”

“The queen is dead. Long live the queen.”

I fight off a shudder.

Carlos spends the better part of the evening coming up with causes for me to champion, everything from vending machines to bigger lockers. There’s no way I could accomplish even half of the things he’s scribbling down. Still, he loves making lists and he’s right. I might actually be able to do some good my last year of high school. When he hands me the list I can feel my eyes welling up with tears.

“Are you crying?” He asks, his tone shocked.

I make a face. “Pfft. No. My eyeballs are sweating.”

He chuckles. “Okay, this is me. What’s up?”

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself before I speak. The emotions are washing over me so quickly I feel like I’m in an estrogen blender. What is my problem?

I rub at the corner of my eye. “I suppose I just thought…I thought I’d go all the way through high school as a nobody, you know? Like, I figured no one would ever see me, ever care what I thought or what I did. Now it’s like—“

“Everyone is watching.”

I nod. “Exactly. I went from being invisible to being the center of attention overnight. All by not actually being myself. I feel like a total fraud.”

As soon as the words are out, I feel the truth of them aching into my bones. I’m a fraud as a girlfriend, a fraud as a friend, and a fraud as a leader. I may have convinced myself I was doing it to help Logan, but deep down, I wanted to be seen. And now I am. And all I can think is how quickly I would give it all back if it meant Logan didn’t have to be dead.

I suck in a sharp gasp.

“What Zoe?”

I look up at Carlos, waiting patiently for me to spill my guts to him. But the thing is, I can’t. I can’t ever say the words that are eating away at my soul. Not out loud, to him or anyone else.

I’m in love with Logan.

I cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing hysterically. Of course I’m in love with Logan. He’s the very epitome of the unattainable hero. Handsome, smart, a giant pain in the ass sure, but he’s also a really good guy. He’s perfect actually, except for the fact that he’s dead.

Oh sure. I have a perfectly great guy—one who is still breathing—and the popularity I always wanted. And what do I do? I go and fall for the dude with no pulse.

There is something so very, very wrong with me.

Inside my mind something flashes. What if Logan isn’t really haunting me? What if I’ve had some sort of a mental breakdown? It would actually be more plausible than the truth.

“I wonder.”

“What?” Carlos asks, grabbing another slice of pizza.

“I wonder if there’s some kind of support group for people who are my brand of crazy.”

Carlos winks, “Oh sugar, I doubt it.”

When Carlos leaves it’s after nine and I’m lying in bed, the covers pulled up to my chin, flat on my back and staring at the ceiling. I’m trying to think back, trying to isolate the point when I lost my mind. It’s harder than it sounds because, let’s face it, I’ve been a mess since the day my dad died. I play it over and over in my head, the funeral, seeing Logan in the coffin. Everything rolls through my brain over and over in Technicolor. My stomach is churning and my mouth is watering like I might actually throw up. And I’m so cold I’m shivering all over.

Shock.

I think I’m in shock.

Maybe I should call my mom?

As soon as the thought comes, Logan appears in my room. I feel him more than I see him. The lights are all off, the blinds are closed and the curtains drawn. I’ve even unplugged my alarm clock. It’s just darkness and a hint of shadow.

“Zoe, are you alright?”

The sound of his voice unspools a ribbon of pain inside my hollow chest. I squeeze my eyes closed. Out of nowhere my overhead light flips on. I jerk upright in bed.

Logan is standing there, his hand still hovering over the switch. He glances from it to me, his face just as surprised as I’m sure mine is.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, moving to the foot of my bed and sitting down. I curl my feet out of the way, flopping back down.

“I got accused of murdering your girlfriend today. Cut me some slack.” My voice is bitter and cold, sharper than I mean for it to be. But everything is so raw, I feel like if I don’t strike out at someone—anyone—I’ll just end up cutting myself to shreds.

“Yeah, about that. I followed the cops for a while. Sounds like you were their best lead, but when you were able to explain everything…well, let’s just say they believed you and that’s all that matters.”

“So do they have any other leads? Anything at all?”

He sits back, curling his legs under him, leaning back against the footboard.

“Not really. They are looking for the mystery guy she was seeing. But other than that, nothing. They said she was only a few weeks pregnant, so there’s no chance of recovering any DNA.”

“And even if they could, they would have to have a guy to match it to, which they don’t.”

“Exactly. So I went back to The Tower, that’s where they found her body. They think she was thrown off the top.”

I shiver, adding another layer of goosebumps to my skin.

“And they are sure she didn’t just jump?”

“I guess she’d been pretty badly beaten up first. I saw her body. In the morgue. I just—“

His voice cracks. I fight not to look at him, I don’t want to see the pain in his eyes. I have enough of my own emotional damage to deal with.

“Anyway, afterwards I went to her house, to the cemetery, the school. Anywhere I could think of.”

I swallow and it feels like hot coals going down my throat. “You went looking for her. For her ghost.”

“I didn’t find anything. Noting except that ring wraith that’s been following me. He got really close to me tonight at the cemetery, Zoe. I thought… I just had this feeling like if he touched me, I would disappear. Like he’d eat my soul. I freaked out and screamed at him. I asked him if Kaylee was gone.”

I wait, not moving. I’m completely paralyzed, even my lugs aren’t working.

“He didn’t answer, not that I could hear, but I sort of felt it. It’s hard to explain. But Kaylee isn’t here. He’s not a ghost.”

“Do you think he got to her, this Reaper?”

He hesitates. “Reaper? As in the Grim Reaper?”

Another long pause.

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I mean, he even looks like the Grim Reaper. I guess I always thought it was just nonsense.”

“Like ghosts?”

“Point made. But no, I don’t think he did anything to her. I think she just moved on the way she was supposed to.”

I roll my eyes. “If she got into heaven, I’m going to file a formal complaint.”

He chuckles. I sit up slowly, letting my bitterness cover the pain like a balm, numbing everything inside me.

“She was our best lead, Logan. What are we supposed to do now?”

He shakes his head. “When I went back to The Tower, I sort of remembered something else.”

“What?”

“I remember driving up to The Tower that night. I just wanted to be alone. Only her car was in the parking lot. I parked, opened my door, and that’s when I heard it.”

“What?”

“A struggle. I heard her screaming. I started the engine back up and drove through the trees into the clearing beside The Tower. I remember seeing her in my headlights. She was…”

“What damn it?”

“Naked. She was naked.”

“Holy shit dude.”

“I remember thinking, what is going on? Like, I thought she was running from someone. But it wasn’t fear on her face, it was surprise. She wasn’t alone. She was…”

I hold up my hand. “Ok, no details please. I’d like very much not to throw up tonight, thank you.”

“You get the idea.”

“Wait, so you saw the guy? The mystery guy?”

“Yeah, but the thing is, I can’t remember his face.”

“You think he killed you.”

“Well someone did, and I doubt it was Kaylee.”

“And then, he killed her too.”

He nods again. His face is ashen, his cheeks hollow. His eyes are rimmed in red. I reach out, not thinking, and take his hand. He feels solid under my fingers.

I sigh when the feeling of his skin finally fades away.

“It’s getting longer each time I touch you. I can feel you longer.”

He half smiles, running a finger lightly over the top of my hand. I can feel it, like someone is rubbing an ice cube on my skin.

“What do you think it means?”

He sighs heavily. “I don’t know. But I feel like, we have to figure out what happened to me, and soon. I don’t want that Reaper anywhere near you.”

I frown, “I don’t think he’s here for me, Logan.”

“No, but if he comes for me and you get caught in the crossfire…” His voice drops to a whisper. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to you, Zoe.”

My breath hitches in my throat.

“Probably have to find a new girl to stalk,” I say, trying to break the tension. But he looks up, his eyes melting into mine. He scoots forward, our faces only inches apart. Reaching up he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, tracing his fingertips along the curve of my jaw. My heart launches into an uneven gallop because I can feel him. The pads of his fingers and the warmth of his breath are real. Or maybe I just want to feel him so desperately that my mind is playing tricks. I don’t know. Don’t care.

I just don’t want it to end.

“Zoe,” he whispers my name softly, like a plea or a prayer. His voice is thick with longing and it rolls along my skin like the breaking tide.

I can’t breathe, can’t move. It’s like the world is dying and being born all around me over and over. I should say something, do something, but I’m on fire, combusting from the inside out.

He presses his lips to mine and I’m undone. All thought and reason and logic are burned away in a ball of fire. I close my eyes, letting the world around us melt away. My body aches and throbs and all I can smell is Logan, cool and fresh like spring water, all I can feel is his mouth moving on mine, desperate and passionate. I run my hands up the back of his neck, weaving my fingers through his hair. He pulls me against him and the ache inside me grows, painful and raw. I’m burning like a star, I can feel the heat inside me, almost unbearable, and I don’t know how long I can contain it.

A cold wind whips through the room, hitting me like a bucket of ice water. I pull back, shivering and numb, grasping at air. Logan blinks, then spins, leaping to his feet. His body goes rigid and for the first time I can see why.

I can see The Reaper.