Losing Logan

Fifteen

I don’t see Logan for the rest of the day, and by the time the last bell rings, it feels like a little piece of myself is missing. I’m hurt and angry and confused.

“Why don’t you come hang out for practice today?” Bruno begs. His brown eyes are like a puppy dog and despite the fact that all I want to do is go home, curl up, and die, something about his offer makes me smile.

I nudge Carlos who has just come up beside me.

“What do you think, Carlos? Wanna hang out and keep me company while I watch Bruno kick some ass and take some names?”

“And ogle sweaty guys in shorts? You had me at hello, Zoe.”

I chuckle and Bruno grins.

“See you out there,” he says, kissing me goodbye quickly.

I hesitate just a fraction of a second, Bruno doesn’t seem to notice but Carlos sure as hell does. As we walk outside to the bleachers to await the team, he grabs my arm, shaking me gently.

“Spill it Zoe, or god help me I’ll beat it out of you like candy out of a piñata.”

I sigh. “As per the usual, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

We take a seat on the warm metal bleachers, just one row up from the bottom. Even though the day is chilly, the sun has warmed the metal, making it surprisingly pleasant on my butt.

“I know that look. It’s love. You’re in love.”

I raise one eyebrow, “You’re kidding right? I’m freaking miserable.”

“Exactly. And a lot of things can make you miserable, but your level of miserable is only brought on by one thing. And that’s being miserably in love.”

When I don’t protest he sits back, looking pleased with himself.

“So? Spill it already. Please tell me Kyle Bruno isn’t as perfect as he seems. But know that if he’s done anything really terrible, I will break his arms for you.”

“Aww, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” I offer honestly, giving him a big bear hug.

He pats my back. “Good. Because I will. Speaking of bodily harm, I got a text from Scott. He wants to meet my parents.”

I feel my eyes widen. Just because his parents are fairly relaxed about his sexual orientation doesn’t mean they want him bringing his boyfriends home, or at least that is what Carlos told me once. Maybe things have changed. The semi-panicked expression on his face tells me otherwise. Carlos’ mom is a retired model, and his dad used to be a pro boxer. Neither of those things makes me think that a family dinner with the new guy could go anything but sideways.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m open to suggestions.”

I think about it for a second.

“Okay, think casual. Go for dinner in, since any dead bodies will be better dealt with in private than public, and pick something your dad enjoys, so that he’ll be more relaxed.” I snap my fingers, “I got it. Why don’t you invite him over for pizza and to watch the title fight next weekend?”

He looks at me like I’m a genius. “That’s perfect. See? I knew you’d have some brilliant idea.”

He pauses for a second as the team takes the field. A few other people, mostly girlfriends, take to the stands, none sitting within ear shot of us.

“Your turn. Seriously Zoe, spill it. What’s going on?”

There is no possible way to explain all the weirdness so I just shake my head.

“You don’t want to talk to your best friend about it, fine. That’s up to you, but do me a favor, just don’t torch it.”

I sit back, staring at him blankly.

“Torch what?”

He jerks his head toward Bruno on the field. “That. You get things in your head and you let them spin you around, then, instead of toughing it out, you just burn it to the ground around you. You always have.”

I frown. Do I really do that?

As if seeing the question on my face, Carlos continues, “Remember last year when you got that study abroad offer? You couldn’t decide if you wanted to go because you were afraid of leaving your mom alone? So what did you do? You went out to some stupid frat party, got hammered, and let yourself get busted by your mom who grounded you into infinity and told you that you couldn’t go because you weren’t responsible enough.”

I shift in my seat. It hadn’t been a deliberate choice, not something I did on purpose. It just sort of happened.

“You didn’t want to deal with it, so you just tanked yourself instead of face up to it. It’s a very unhealthy pattern. And Bruno, I think he might be really good for you. So don’t tank it just because you are scared or confused. Give it a chance, ok?”

Where is a wall when you really need to bang your head against it?

Across the field I see Logan appear just outside the door to the school. He waves for me to go over.

“I’ll be right back. I need to go get a drink from the vending machine.”

“Cool. Bring me back a Diet Dew.”

I nod and walk over, slamming into the door more forcefully than is really necessary.

“Still pissed I see,” he says, following me down the hall toward the vending machines.

“Nope, just tired of running around in circles. Did you remember anything else?” I stuff my hand in my bag, digging around looking for some change.

“I did, actually. A car.”

I roll my eyes. “Great, can you be more specific?”

“A black sedan. And there was something else, there was something hanging from the rear view mirror.”

“What?”

He shakes his head. “It was dark and I didn’t get a good look, but I think it was one of the team medals from last year.”

I pause, change in hand. “That pretty much narrows the suspect pool down to anyone on the lacrosse team. Can you think of anyone who drives a black car?”

“I can think of two. Becker and Jesus.”

“And would either of them have reason to want you dead?”

He shifts uncomfortably, his face falling into a frown. “Maybe.”

“Shit, Logan. Are you really going to make me ask?”

He looks up at me. “I sort of made out with Cassidy.”

What the fu—

“When?”

“The night of Bruno’s pool party.”

I shake my head. “You son of a—“

He holds up his hands, “Yes, I know. I’m an asshole. I was drunk and she was flirting with me and it had been so long since—“

I spin away from him, “Dude. Shut up. Seriously. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

“Zoe, I—“

“I mean it Logan, shut up right now or I will find the nearest piece of iron pipe and shove it up your ass. Just. Shut. Up. And let me think.”

After a few minutes of intense fuming and kicking the living crap out of the soda machine resulting in two free Pepsi’s I go back to Logan. I’m calm, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

“Okay. Did Becker know?”

“I sure as hell didn’t tell him.”

“Well, did anyone see you?”

He shrugs. “I was really wrecked. I passed out. Don’t remember much.”

I swear to god, if he was alive right now, I’d kill him myself.

“Fine. Working under the assumption that he did know, do you think he’d go after Kaylee just to get back at you?”

Logan shakes his head. “Becker is a good guy. I can’t think that he’d—“

“Do exactly what you did? You two-timing nut grenade.”

He doesn’t answer.

“Fine. At least it’s something to go on. Now buzz off while I go have a chat with Cassidy.”

“You really shouldn’t—“

I hold up my hand, “Seriously Logan, I’m so pissed off right now I might actually strangle you. And I might be the only person who still can. So just leave me alone. For now.”

He nods and vanishes. I scoop up the sodas and head back outside.

“Hey, I asked for Diet Dew,” Carlos complains.

I shrug, “Sorry, they were out. Hey, hold this for a sec, I’ll be right back.”

Climbing to the top of the bleachers I make my way over to Cassidy, who is sitting alone, tapping away on her phone.

I sit beside her.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I ask casually.

She glances up.

“Oh, hey Zoe. What’s up?”

I glance down at the field, just in time to see Bruno make a brilliant save. He glances over to see if I’m watching and I wave.

“Well, I hear that you know all the best places to go dress shopping for Homecoming. I was wondering if you wanted to go together.”

She looks surprised. “I thought you were going with Becca and Madison?”

I shrug, “I like them a lot, but…” I take a deep breath. “This is my first dance. Like ever. And I’m afraid going with them might be a little overwhelming. I was hoping you and I could just go. I mean, if you want to invite them, we totally can. It’s up to you.”

She grins like I’ve totally made her day. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot. When do you want to go?”

I pull out my phone, pretending to check my calendar even though I know I am free all week.

“I can go after school tomorrow if you have time.”

“Sounds great. You wanna drive, or do you want me to?”

I nod, “Why don’t you drive, and I’ll buy dinner afterwards?”

“Deal.”

She pushes her sunglasses off her head and down over her eyes.

“Great. Um, you can come sit with me and Carlos if you want.”

She smiles again. I try to remember ever seeing her hang out with Kaylee. Every memory I have has Cassidy on the outskirts of the group, never front and center. Kind of a shame, she seems like a total sweetheart. I glance back at the field as she packs up her bag and follows me back to my seat. Becker is on the sidelines, watching us intently.

I sit down, Carlos on my right and Cassidy to my left. He pulls a pack of Twizzlers out of his bag and passes it to me. I take one and pass it to Cassidy who also takes one. Becker slides on his helmet, and I swear he’s still glaring at me as he takes the field.

When practice ends I jog over to Bruno, who is standing by the bench. Seeing me approach he drops his gear and sprints to meet me. As soon as his arms are around me he scoops me up and spins me around once, ending the embrace in a slow, deep kiss that makes my toes curl. As soon as he sets me down I feel guilt stab me in the chest like a sword.

I shake my head. “How do you do that?”

“What?” he asks curiously.

“I dunno, get so excited? Kiss me like you haven’t seen me in weeks every time?”

He wraps his arms around my waist, locking them in the small of my back and drawing me close. “Oh, that’s easy.” He lowers his head, whispering in my ear, “It’s because every time I get to kiss you, I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet.”

Without another word I throw my arms around his neck and squeeze him against me, pressing my mouth to his. I feel myself relax against him, content to just keep kissing him for as long as he’ll let me.

I sigh against his lips. So maybe it isn’t the same way I feel with Logan. Maybe it’s a quieter, softer emotion, but I do care about Bruno. Maybe it’s selfish. Or maybe it’s okay that there isn’t fire and ice running through my veins every time he touches me. Maybe it doesn’t have to be love. But whatever this feeling is, it’s good too. And selfish or not, I just want to bask in it for a while.

He draws back for air and I reluctantly let him go. When our eyes meet, his eyelids droop drowsily, his lips are smeared with my pink shimmer, and his face is beet red. Reaching up I wipe the makeup off his face and he kisses the pad of my thumb.

Behind him Becker taps him in the back with the stick.

“Come on, loverboy. Time to hit the showers.”

I nod. “You better go. See you tomorrow?”

He nods, kisses the tip of my nose, and releases me. I stand there for a second and watch him walk away. It’s Carlos who comes up beside me, hugging me around the shoulders.

“Zoe, I think that boy is madly in love with you.”

I widen my eyes. “God, I hope not.”

“Why?”

I look up at Carlos. Enough is enough.

“I have something I need to tell you.”

He takes me by the shoulders and spins me toward him.

“Zoe, are you pregnant?”

I reach out and slap him in the side of the neck.

“Ouch. A simple no would suffice.” He huffs, handing me the messenger bag I forgot on the bleachers. “Then what is it?”

I swallow, not sure where or how to even begin this conversation. The last thing I want is to be hauled away to some crazy farm, but at the same time, I just need someone to talk to.

“I see dead people.”