Losing Logan

Twenty-five

I let mom snap a couple pictures of me in my dress before I run out the door. Logan slips into the car with me.

“I appreciate you wanting me to be there, Zoe, but I’d really rather sit this one out,” he says sadly.

“Oh, we aren’t going to the dance.”

He perks up in alarm. “Then where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

I drive for about fifteen minutes, pulling into the cemetery parking lot.

“What are we doing here?” he asks as I get out of the car, careful not to catch my dress in the door.

“Just come on, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

I probably look hilarious climbing the stone wall in my tight lace dress, heels in hand, but I don’t really care. I drop down on the other side, motioning for Logan to follow me. The moon is full and it sets the cemetery aglow with a soft white light. I come to a stop in a familiar part of the cemetery, not far from where Logan is buried. Kneeling in the soft grass I touch the white headstone, letting my fingers trace the name.

Thomas Parker Reed.

Beloved husband and father.

“Did I ever tell you how he died?”

Logan stands behind me, I can feel him like an extension of myself. Standing up, I close my eyes, picturing him in my mind. When I open them, The Reaper is standing between me and the headstone.

“Zoe,” Logan reaches out but I wave him off.

“No, it’s alright,” I say softly. “I was sick. Stomach flu or something. I wanted some soup, but we didn’t have any in the house. Dad was driving to the store to get some when he was hit by a drunk driver. He died and the other guy walked away without a scratch.”

I take a deep breath. “I remember the police coming to the door that night. I saw my mom crumple to the floor like she was melting. And she looked over at me, this terrible look in her eyes, and I knew. It was my fault. He wouldn’t have been on the road that night if it wasn’t for me.”

I feel Logan’s hand wrap around my arm. “Zoe, it wasn’t your fault.”

I tilt my head. “I know. But I couldn’t let it go, you know? I take a step forward and The Reaper holds out its hand to me. I take it, and it’s as solid as Logan’s.

The Reaper draws back its hood and my father’s face is exposed to the moonlight. Throwing myself into his arms I let the tears flow freely, sniffling as I rub my face into his chest.

“Sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” He strokes my hair, clutching me to him. “I never wanted to leave you, you know that.”

I nod and sniffle again. “I know, daddy.”

He pulls me back just a little, just enough so I can look up and see the pain in his eyes.

“You know what you have to do now?”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to.”

“Mr. Reed,” Logan says breathlessly. “Zoe, how long have you known?”

“Since the bridge. It reached out to help me. I remember when I was little and I’d fall down, dad reaching down to help me up. I wasn’t sure then. But later, in the hospital, I had a lot of time to think about it, to put the pieces together.”

“My sweet, strong, stubborn little girl. Who else could it be? Who else could love so deeply and with so much courage that it could do all this? I’m so proud of you.”

I drop his hand and turn to Logan. “I’m so sorry Logan, I didn’t realize. He tried to tell me, even you knew on some level.”

“What are you talking about Zoe? You aren’t making any sense.”

“It’s me. It was never your unfinished business holding you here. It was always just me. And the more I needed you to be here, the stronger you became. That’s why you were solid sometimes. It was because I needed you to be real so desperately, that I made you stay. I’m so, so sorry Logan.”

“I don’t understand,” he says, taking my hands in his. “What does this mean?”

“It means that Zoe is a force of nature, a power all her own. She reached out and held on to us so tightly that we couldn’t go, even when we were supposed to.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I whisper. “I just couldn’t lose you. Either of you.”

Logan reaches out, touching the side of my face with the tips of his fingers.

“I know that, Zoe. I don’t blame you. I didn’t want to go either.”

A tear rolls across my lip and into my mouth as I take a deep breath. “But now I have to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done, now I have to let you go.”

He pulls me against him, and I can feel him, the full length of him from head to toe.

“No, you don’t Zoe. Please,” he begs.

In a heartbeat he’s kissing me, deeply, desperately, like a dying man gasping for breath. His fingers are curled into my hair, clutching me to him. I break the kiss, pulling away just a little. I can taste the salty tears in my mouth.

“You can’t stay. As much as you want to, as much as I want you to. You can’t keep suffering like this.”

He takes my face in his hands. “I would rather suffer for a million years and get to be close to you, than to lose you now. It’s not fair. We only just found each other.”

Hot tears stream down my face, rolling onto his hands.

It’s my father’s voice behind me that makes him look away.

“You won’t be leaving her, not really. Time is different for us, Logan. A lifetime for her is only minutes where we’re going. And you’ll see her again.”

He shakes his head. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because love, true love, is eternal. It’s a bond that nothing can break. That’s why you were given this time together. Your life was cut short, but this bond needed to be made before you could pass over, before she could release you.”

I close my eyes, squeezing the remaining moisture from my eyes.

“I love you, Logan. I will love you forever. But we have to let each other go for now.” The words are a knife in my heart. Nothing has ever been more painful than this, and if I live a hundred years, nothing ever will be.

“I love you too, Zoe.” He kisses me again, this time it’s a soft, gentle kiss, a kiss full of hope and promises unspoken. He releases me and steps back. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

“I know,” I say, licking the last taste of him from my lips.

My father holds out his arm, leading Logan away from me. I feel a shudder start in the heels of my feet and quake its way up my body. He turns back, grinning over his shoulder.

“Do me a favor. Make me wait a really, really long time, okay?”

I nod because I don’t dare open my mouth, I’m too afraid of what will come out. Tilting my head up to the sky I close my eyes, just breathing in and out slowly, trying to calm my shaking. When I open my eyes again they are both gone. I fall to my knees in the grass and sob into my hands. I don’t know how long I cry, but I cry until the tears have run dry and I can’t feel anything but the vast emptiness where Logan used to be. Crawling to my feet I dust myself off. I have a life to get back to. And I’d better make it a damn good one, because I’m not just living it for me. Not anymore.