Losing Logan

Nine

Logan isn’t around much for the next few days, leaving me in relative peace. He shows back up the night before school starts, appearing in my room while I’m on the phone with Carlos, rehashing his most recent date with the guy we are now referring to as Mr. Perfect. Logan just pops in and I nearly jump out of my skin. Wrapping up the convo quickly I put my phone onto charge and curl up in my chair.

“You ready for tomorrow?” he asks coolly.

I shake my head. “That’s all I get? You disappear for a week and I get a ready for tomorrow?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“How about starting with where the hell you’ve been for the last few days. Then work your way into an apology. Groveling wouldn’t be out of the question.”

He sighs, flopping down on my bed.

“I was around.”

I fold my arms and glare. I’m pretty sure if looks could kill, he’d be dead. Again. Deader at least.

“I thought I saw someone.”

“Who?”

He pauses, taking a deep breath. “Someone like me.”

“Another ghost?”

“Not exactly. Something else. I’ve seen him a few times. It’s like, he’s following me.”

I sit forward, irritation almost gone.

“What does he want?”

Logan shrugs.

“Did you go looking for him?”

“No. I was trying to lead him away.”

“Away from what?”

His head snaps up, “From you, Zoe. I was trying to keep him away from you.”

I feel my face soften. Irritation gone.

“Why?”

He looks away, “The thing is, he feels…dangerous. Like he wants to hurt me. Or maybe you. I’m not sure, but he just feels malevolent.”

“That’s a big word for a jock.” I quip, unable to restrain myself.

He rolls his eyes.

“Sorry,” I offer with a grin. “I’ve been holding it in all week, it has to come out somewhere.”

He’s not amused.

“So is he gone?”

Logan shrugs, “I don’t know. But I couldn’t stay away any longer.”

I smile. “You wanna watch TV? There’s a special on the Travel Channel.”

He sits up, rubbing his face. I’d say he was exhausted, if he could actually get tired anymore. Maybe even dead people can get emotionally tired. Maybe it’s even worse for them.

“Sure. What kind of special?”

I flick on my TV. “Exotic Destinations. My favorite. I keep this list of all the places I want to see after I graduate. Sort of my bucket list.”

I cringe as soon as the words are out. “Sorry.”

He half smiles, staring at the flickering screen. “No big deal.”

“Did you have a bucket list?” I ask out of sheer morbid curiosity.

He nods, “I did actually. Didn’t get much done.”

“What did you get done?”

He starts counting on his fingers, “Surf in Hawaii, we went there on a family vacation a few years ago, walked on a volcano, also saved a life—“

“Whose?”

“Craig Peterson. Last year we were hanging out and he choked on a piece of popcorn. I gave him the Heimlich.”

I pucker my lips. “Cool.”

“And I had sex. With an actual girl. That was a big one.” He laughs and I reach out to slug him in the arm before I can stop myself.

And I hit him.

He looks at me and I look at him. I slug him again and pass through.

Pulling one leg under me, I prop myself up beside him. “Ok, I think I have this figured out.”

His eyes are wide, “Really? That would be nice.”

I hold up a finger. “Like in the car. You hit your head, and felt it, because you expected to feel it. It was sort of…instinct.”

“And just now—“

“You expected me to make contact. It’s like for just a second, you forget you’re dead. You forget that you can’t feel, so you do.”

“So how do I control it?”

I frown, “That I don’t know. But I bet we can figure it out.”

“How?”

I hold out my hands. “I don’t know. Let’s just sit here and talk and relax. Just like we were.”

He settles back, “Okay. I can do that.”

I sit back too. “So what didn’t you get to do on your list?”

“Well, I always wanted to go to New York City. And I never got to crash a wedding. Or invent something—I always thought I’d invent something. And I was really looking forward to college.” He pauses, his face growing dark. “Never fell in love.”

I can’t hide the surprise in my voice. “Really? What about Kaylee?”

He shakes his head. “She was great, but it was never like that. It was more a relationship of…physical attraction that faded into convenience. I wasn’t even mad when she dumped me. It was more like feeling relieved.”

“That’s pathetic, truly.”

“Yeah, yeah. Make fun of the dead guy. What about you, what’s on your list?”

I cock my head to the side. “I want to backpack through Europe. See the pyramids. Fly in a hot air balloon. Swim the English Channel. Learn to scuba dive. Climb a mountain. Stand inside the Parthenon. Learn to speak Chinese .”

“Why Chinese?”

I shrug, “So I can order my food in the proper language?”

He laughs and I join in.

“And fall in love,” I add softly.

He reaches over and grabs my hand. I can feel it. Just for a minute before he fades away, but I feel it, and I squeeze.

“See? Like that,” I say sadly.

At some point I fall asleep, curled up next to a dead guy, which is just too insane for words. He rouses me around one in the morning, whispering my name in my ear, and I crawl into bed without really waking up. When my alarm goes off in the morning, he’s sitting in my chair with his legs draped over one arm, his head resting on the other.

“You know, the only thing worse than being dead? Being dead and having to watch crappy TV because I can’t change the channel.”

I snort, clicking off my wailing siren. A soft knock at my door makes me jump.

Mom pokes her head in.

“Good morning sweetheart. You excited for your first day of senior year?”

I raise an eyebrow and she chuckles.

“Yeah, I figured as much. How about you and I go grab some breakfast and I’ll drop you off today?”

Her voice is so hopeful that it’s almost painful to turn down the offer.

“Oh. I’d love to but I um…I’m actually getting a ride today.”

“Carlos?”

I look away, fighting back the blush crawling up my neck. “No. His name’s Kyle Bruno.”

She doesn’t speak and when I turn back to look at her, she looks like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

She shakes herself out of it. “I’m just surprised. Is he like…a boyfriend?”

I sigh. “No. Not really.”

Truth is, he and I have been talking almost every day for a week, and the fact that we will be walking into school together today pretty much makes him my boyfriend, in that vague, unofficial way.

“But you want him to be?” she presses.

I frown. “I don’t know Mom. It’s complicated.”

Do I like Bruno? Yes. Would I ever have gone out with him if Logan hadn’t asked me to? Probably not. But the more I get to know him, the more I realize he really is a good guy.

“Is he cute?”

I grab the red dress from my closet and fold it over my arm. “You know how you think someone is sort of…I don’t know, one way, so you never really look at them or think they are good looking. But then you get to know them, and the more you like their personality, the more attractive they get?”

As soon as I say it, a lump forms in my throat because I realize I’m not just talking about Bruno. Logan is still sitting in my chair, listening intently.

Mom’s standing there with her hand over her mouth like she’s gonna cry.

I roll my eyes. “Ok, that’s it. You get out. I need to get ready.”

Walking over, I shoo her back and close my door.

“Rain check on breakfast?” she asks through the door.

I press my head against the wood panel. “Sure Mom.”

I turn and Logan is staring at me. “Are you really starting to like Bruno?”

I shrug. “He’s hard not to like.”

Logan nods in agreement. “Still, just keep your eyes on the prize. I’m not playing matchmaker here. He’s just your way into the group. You still have to make everyone else like you. Including Kaylee.”

I narrow my eyes, “Speaking of, any tips on that front?”

He holds up his hands in a no clue gesture. I sigh.

“Great,” I mutter.

“What? Dudes, I get. But chicks are like puzzles with no corner pieces and no pictures on the box.”

I just stare at him.

“What?” he asks defensively.

I point to the window. “Get lost so I can get ready.”

He sighs, “I thought we were beyond such trivial concerns. Where is your sense of trust?”

I put a hand on my hip. “The same place my foot’s about to be.”

He snickers. “Fine. You have ten minutes.”

“Twenty.”

“Prude.”

“Perv.”

And he’s gone, leaving me holding my new dress and wondering why I miss him so much.

I’m just lacing up my black ankle boots when Logan reappears.

“Bruno just left his house, he’ll be here in like five…”

I look up, carefully re-adjusting the waves of brown hair behind my shoulders.

His face has frozen in mid word and it’s so comical that I laugh.

“You okay there, Polterdouche?”

“You look like a girl,” he stammers.

I promptly flip him off.

“Ah, there’s my little princess. So Bruno will be here in five minutes. You know the plan, right?”

I salute him. “Secure an invitation to lunch. Create opportunities to befriend Kaylee. Try not to go all Wookie and rip someone’s arms out of socket.”

I lift my foot into the air, “And try not to kill myself in these shoes.”

He nods, appraising me. “Good. Yeah. Great.”

He moves over to the window, staring outside.

“But I need you to do me a favor, Logan.”

He looks back over his shoulder, eyebrows furrowing. “What?”

I slide my denim jacket on and grab my messenger bag. “Don’t follow me into class, ok. You are just…too distracting.”

“Fair enough. I can see how looking at me would be a distraction. I’ll walk you into first period, then I’ll just wander around until lunch, sound good?”

I look at him, one eyebrow raised in suspicion. He gave in way too easily on that.

“Wandering where?”

He feigns a hurt look. “I’m not going to be hanging out in the girl’s locker room if that’s what you were thinking.”

I’m still not sure I trust the cocky grin on his face but I don’t have time to argue because the tell-tale sound of Bruno’s truck roars into my driveway. I dart out of my room and stride toward the front door. Mom’s sitting at the table.

“Do I get to meet him?” she hollers over her cup of coffee.

“No,” I call back with a goodbye wave.

I already have my hand on the knob when the doorbell rings. Pulling my hand back I take a deep breath, lift my chin, and straighten my shoulders.

A quick glance over my shoulder tells me Logan is right beside me. I open the door and Bruno smiles.

“Hey. Are you ready?”

“Yep.” I pull the door closed on Logan who floats through with a huff. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“Well, you’re on the way.”

I laugh. “No I’m not. I’m three miles in the opposite direction.”

He shrugs, “Still.”

Bruno blushes, rushing to my side of the truck and pulling the door open for me.

I mutter, “Thanks,” and slide in.

The inside of his truck is spotless, even the beat up carpet under my feet is freshly vacuumed. A little round air freshener hangs from his rear view mirror, right next to his championship lacrosse medal.

The leather dash is worn and faded grey. The old radio has been removed, a fancy new deck installed. It glows red, music gently throbbing through the speakers. I recognize the song. It’s one of my favorite bands. The music is upbeat and peppy and I start humming along without thinking.

Bruno slides in and smiles. He’s gotten a haircut since the last time I saw him. His dark hair is shorn close to his scalp, too short to comb, but long enough to run his fingers through before grinding into gear.

“I didn’t know you liked Matt & Kim. They’re one of my favorite bands.” I say, carefully crossing my legs.

He raises one shoulder in a half shrug as we drive off. “I know,” he says pointedly.

I sit back, a little surprised. “How do you know?”

“I can be mysterious too, you know.”

I shake my head softly. “Fair enough.”

I ask him about his summer, trying nonchalantly to steer the conversation toward the past few weeks, trying to dig out any info about Logan’s missing days. He talks about everything but Logan. I can’t blame him really, it’s probably sore spot. Still, I need the info.

We pull in and I stare at the front doors. People are milling around, hugging each other and talking. I catch sight of Kaylee and her roving band of followers as they stride into the school like a pack of wolves in high heels.

I suck in a deep breath, deliberately trying to look even more nervous than I feel.

“You okay?” he asks.

I nod once.

“Do you think they will have grief counselors and stuff?”

Last year when some freshman died in a car accident, they had grief counselors stationed in the library for a week. It was weird and disruptive, and basically an excuse to get out of that test you forgot to prepare for or that class you hated.

He sighs. “No. School policy. They don’t do that in cases of suicide. Don’t want to glamorize it.”

That makes my head snap up.

“Suicide?” Logan and I say at the same time, though obviously Bruno can only hear me. “I thought it was an accident?”

He shifts in his seat, looking really uncomfortable.

“That’s the word his family put out. But my uncle works for the Sherriff. The official cause of death on the report is suicide.”

I can feel my face contort in rage. “That’s idiotic. Logan would never do that.”

“Damn right,” Logan adds from the back seat.

“I know. That’s what I told them. But I guess Kaylee had just dumped him, and he took it really hard. Or that’s what she said anyway.”

I can’t stop the words before they fly out of my mouth. “That lying bitch.”

I look over and Bruno is grinning.

“Sorry,” I say quickly.

“Why?”

I purse my lips together. “I’m trying not to be quite so…”

“Dickish?” Logan offers.

“Harsh.” I say instead. “Carlos keeps telling me I’m abrasive.”

“Like steel wool toilet paper,” Logan mutters.

I rub my forehead.

“Well, don’t be sorry.” Bruno offers, nudging me gently. “I like it when you speak your mind. You’re so—“

“Bitchy?”

“Honest. And funny. That’s why I like you. So just, you know, don’t try to change too much. I like you as is. Mouth and all.”

I stare at him, not sure what to say.

Wow. I could literally kiss him right now.

I finally decide to take it as a compliment and mumble a weak, “Thanks.”

He opens his door, looking back at me before closing it. “Besides, you’re right. She is a lying bitch. I mean, Logan wasn’t the type of guy to go all emo over a girl.” He pauses, “Not even Kaylee.”

I glance over at Logan as I get out of the truck. He looks absolutely livid.

“She’s lying,” Logan says through a clenched jaw.

I nod so he knows I believe him and shut the door.

So the million dollar question is, why would she lie about it?