Losing Logan

Eighteen

The drive is long and loud. I take shotgun leaving Darla in the back seat. She leans forward, head poking out between us as she recounts her latest drama.

“Can you believe Peter asked me out?” Her voice is dry, tone appalled.

“Pete is a nice guy,” I defend. Though, to be frank, I would never go out with him either. Not because he isn’t attractive or because he has all the humor of an impacted tooth, but because I’m not convinced he doesn’t have some sort of weird fetish. He seems like the type. All proper and buttoned up on the outside, total freak behind closed doors.

She snorts, reading my expression. “He is nice. Hannibal Lector was nice until he started eating people’s faces off.”

I laugh, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I had always wondered what a guy like Bruno was doing with a chick like Darla, but now I sort of get it. He just likes loud, obnoxious, ballsy women. I’m actually kind of perfect for him. But that makes me even more curious about their break up.

“Okay, this may totally suck of me, but I have to ask. Why did you and Kyle break up?”

Darla presses her lips into a hard line, glaring at me.

From the driver’s seat Cassidy laughs dryly.

“Are you kidding? You don’t know?”

I turn back to Darla, feeling like I missed the punch line.

“I have no clue. That’s why I asked.”

“Well, it’s really none of your damn business, is it?”

“Get over it Darla, everyone else knows.”

“He dumped me. He told me he didn’t want to waste his time with me anymore.”

I raise one eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like the Kyle I know.”

She sits back in her seat, pulling her legs up under her.

“Well, you don’t really know him at all, do you?” She looks out the window. “Don’t worry, one day he’ll do the same thing to you and you won’t even see it coming. Then you’ll know who he really is.”

“Pull over the bitterness bus, Darla. It’s time to get off,” Cassidy says from the front seat. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her talk to someone like that before.

But, it just proves Darla’s point. I don’t really know Cassidy, or Becker or Kyle for that matter.

“Bruno’s a great guy. Don’t listen to her. She’s still hurt that he broke up with her.”

At the risk of pissing off the only person in the car not hating on me, I decide to bring up Becker.

I toss my hair over my shoulder and smile at Cassidy. “So…you and Becker? You guys seem so happy.”

She shrugs. “Yeah. He has his moments. But we’re good.”

“I think you guys should go out for Homecoming King and Queen. I’ll nominate you,” I offer sweetly.

She glances over at me, looking confused. “Why would you do that?”

I shrug. “It’s like you said. I want a perfect couple to look up to. I mean, things are great with Kyle.” From the back seat Darla snorts. “But you guys have been together longer and it looks like you are inseparable.”

“That’s not what I heard,” Darla chimes in from the back seat.

“Shut up Darla,” Cassidy commands, her face flushing.

I look over my shoulder at Darla in the back seat. Maybe bringing her was a lucky break.

“What do you mean?” I ask as innocently as possible.

She looks only too pleased to rub her words in Cassidy’s face.

“I mean, sweet innocent Cassidy had a bit of a fling this summer, didn’t you?”

In the front seat Cassidy sucks in a deep breath, her cheeks flaring red. “It’s not a big deal.”

“My ass it’s not a big deal.” Darla leans forward, “If you can air my dirty laundry, yours is fair game too, sweetie.”

Cassidy clears her throat. “I got drunk at Bruno’s party and made out with another guy.”

I let my eyes widen in surprise. “What guy?”

She glances over quickly before locking her eyes back on the road. “Not Bruno if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“It was Logan,” Darla answers, her voice breathy. “Can’t blame her for that one really, I mean, what girl wouldn’t want to make out with him? He was gorgeous.”

“And funny,” Cassidy adds.

“And sweet.”

I roll my eyes, “And a total pain in the ass, as I recall.”

They just laugh.

“So, how did Becker take it?”

Cassidy frowns, “Oh, he was pissed, of course. But I told him I was so blitzed I thought Logan was him.”

“And he bought that?” Darla asks before I can.

“Sure. Boys are really stupid, and I think in a weird way he was sort of flattered.”

I pucker, looking out the window. “Yeah, weird.”

“It was moot anyway. Becker used to hang on Logan’s every word; he had some sort of idol complex I think. Becker never would have blamed Logan. Kaylee, on the other hand…”

Darla laughs. “Please. She was already cheating on him by then. She didn’t give a rat’s ass.”

I flip around in my seat.

“Cheating on him with who?” Darla glares at me suspiciously. “I mean, it would kind of be like cheating on Channing Tatum with David Spade, right?”

Darla relaxes, “Who knows? She kept it under pretty tight wraps. But, she said something about it once, do you remember, Cassidy? At that sleep over?”

“Oh, yeah. She said she found someone who really understood her. We asked who it was and she just told us he isn’t some stupid high school boy.”

“Yeah, I always figured it was one of those baseball players who comes in for the summer. But then, when school started, she was still acting weird. Breaking up with Logan and stuff.”

“You knew about that?” I ask quickly.

“She told Madison. Madison told me.”

I break into a grin. “Wow, remind me never to tell you gossipy bitches anything.”

Cassidy glances over to make sure I’m joking. I stick my tongue out at her. She laughs and Darla joins in.

Thing is, I’m not joking at all.

It seems unfair that I still have to go through with the actual shopping portion of the evening now that I’ve gotten the info I came for, but it ends up actually being kind of fun. We make our way through three stores, trying on the biggest, ugliest gowns we can find. Cassidy snaps pics of me in the various dresses and sends them to Bruno. He responds with a series of thumbs down images.

Then, I try on a bubble gum pink taffeta gowns that makes me look like a spool of cotton candy and send a picture to Bruno with the message, how about this one?

His response is a very simple, only if you want to embarrass yourself by showing up in the same outfit as me.

Three stores and two and a half hours later we hit a little boutique I’ve never seen before. In the window is the most amazing dress I’ve ever seen. It’s silver with a sheer black lace overlay, fitted to the body, a slight v neck front with lace that rolls over the shoulder and down the back. It’s short, shorter than anything I’ve ever worn before, but not so short that it looks slutty. It’s edgy and sexy and dark. And I love it immediately.

Cassidy sees me eyeing it.

“Oh yeah, that’s the dress. Go try it on.”

She ushers me into the shop and leads me to the dressing room, ordering the sales clerk to bring one in my size.

It fits perfectly. Cassidy holds up her phone to snap a pic and Darla covers it with her hand.

“Nope. A dress like that deserves the element of surprise.”

I glance at the tag, bracing myself for sticker shock only to find it pretty reasonable. Reasonable enough that I snag a new strapless bra to go with it.

“Bruno isn’t going to know what hit him,” Cassidy says wistfully.

Cassidy decides on a pale pink long gown with beading along the bodice, and Darla goes for a simple green velvet dress with a 70’s vibe. The drive home seems to go faster, and I let myself relax and just enjoy the company. I’ve never had girlfriends, unless you count Carlos, and it’s kind of nice. Even though I couldn’t care less about 90 per cent of the things they are talking about, it’s fun just to listen to them go on about makeup and celebrities, and my personal favorite, how long you should go between hair colorings.

It’s chatter, white noise in the back of my head. I just let them talk, I doubt I would have anything of value to add anyway.

By the time Cassidy drops me off it’s almost eleven and mom is waiting for me at the door, her eyes blood shot.

I’d texted her about my plans, but I’d failed to realize how long the adventure would take. The last thing I thought was that she’d wait up for me.

“That was a long trip,” she says, closing the door behind me. Logan is sitting on the couch, watching TV.

“She was worried,” he says without turning around to look at me. “Don’t be mean to her. She didn’t have to wait up for you.”

He’s right. I know he spent most of the day with his own mom, who is probably suffering in ways I can’t even imagine. I look at my mother, really look at her for the first time in months. Maybe years. Her curly hair is frizzed out, she has dark circles under her eyes and her skin is pale, too pale.

It takes me a minute to realize that Logan is right. I’ve been mean to her. Not intentionally, not really. But after dad died, I sort of decided not to allow myself to rely on anyone anymore, including her. She probably expected me to lean on her for support, but I’d done just the opposite. I learned not to lean on anyone. And being with Logan has also reminded me how short life can be. If something happened to one of us tomorrow, how would I want to have left things?

I smile. “I’m glad you’re still up. Kyle asked me to Homecoming, and I said yes.”

She almost melts with relief. I lead her into the kitchen.

“Look,” I say, pulling the dress out of the bag covering it.

She sighs softly. “It’s beautiful. So grown up.”

I fold the dress over my arm. “The thing is mom, I know I haven’t been as…available as you’d like. I’m sorry about that. I’ve had stuff and that’s not an excuse but—“

She holds up her hand. “Zoe, I understand. I haven’t exactly been around either. But it has sort of felt like you were pushing me away. Like, you didn’t need me anymore.”

She sits down at the table. “When we lost your dad, we lost each other too.”

I sit down beside her. “I know. But I just want you to know that I love you. And I want you to be a part of what’s going on in my life.” I pause. “A very silent part.”

She chuckles. “Deal.”

Leaning forward I hug her. I can feel her shake with quiet tears so I hold on a little longer.

When she lets go she wipes her eyes. “So, you and Kyle. Is it official?”

I nod. “Yeah it is.”

“And he treats you well?”

I nod again. I can see the top of Logan’s head through the arch way.

“He does.”

“Are you in love with him?”

I stare at her, my heart taking off like a rocket in my chest. “The truth is, I fell in love with somebody else a long time ago. I haven’t really gotten over that yet.”

She smiles sadly. “I understand. When I think about your dad, I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else like that ever again. But I think we both have to remember, we can always love the people we lose, it doesn’t mean we can never love again. I think it will just be a different love. But it doesn’t betray them or their memory. They would want us to be happy.”

I swallow back salty tears. I know she’s right. Logan has told me as much.

“Then why does it hurt so much?” I ask, my voice small and quiet.

She holds me again, stroking my hair.

“Because things have to hurt before they can heal.”

Logan is sitting in my chair when I finish catching mom up on my new social status and go to bed. I feel the tension melt out of my neck and shoulders at the sight of him.

“Hey,” I say softly, closing my door.

“Hey. I take it shopping went well.”

I nod, hanging the dress, bag and all in my closet.

“Yeah. I don’t think Becker is our guy. Cassidy says he wasn’t bent out of shape about what happened. He wasn’t angry with you at all. She actually said he was kind of flattered, which is just weird.”

“So do you think we should check out Jesus?”

I roll my eyes. “If Jesus killed you I’ll eat my own arm. That guy is a big teddy bear.”

“You are probably right about that. But he’s sort of our last lead.”

I flop down onto my bed. “I know. But the girls told me Kaylee’s mystery guy doesn’t even go to our school. I think we might be at a dead end. Unless you remembered something?”

He shakes his head.

Sitting back against the headboard I rub my eyes with my thumbs.

“So what do we do now?” I ask wearily.

“I’m going to keep tabs on the investigation, make sure they aren’t seriously considering you as a suspect. And I’ll keep trying to remember what happened.”

“What about me?”

He smiles. “You just keep being your charming self.”

I pull the pillow out from behind me and stuff it over my face.

“I have a date with Kyle on Friday.” I say, my voice muffled by the feathers.

“I know.”

Pulling the pillow away I shoot him a look.

“How do you know?”

“He mentioned it to Becker tonight. They hung out at Bruno’s house after practice. I was with him all night. I saw the pictures you sent him. It looked like you were having fun.”

His voice is light, but his face is sad.

I shrug. “Yeah. I kind of did. Why were you at his house so late?”

He rolls his eyes. “Because you asked me to keep an eye on him, remember? I stayed until Becker left.”

Oh yeah. I’d almost forgotten.

“Thanks for doing that,” I manage weakly. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, not nearly enough. But it’s all I’ve got at the moment.

“I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” he says out of nowhere.

I jerk to attention.

“Why not?”

He looks at me, smiling weakly.

“It’s just too hard. I’ll stay outside. Keep an eye out for The Reaper.”

I bite my bottom lip. “But you don’t want to be near me anymore.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t say it like that, Zoe. It’s just too painful.”

I laugh dryly. “Yes, because it’s just a walk in the park for me.”

He stands up, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, well you don’t have to stand by and watch the person you love falling in love with someone else.”

And with that he vanishes, leaving me stunned and speechless, feeling like he just carved my heart out of my chest with a dull spoon.