Losing Logan

Seventeen

Morning comes and this time, when my alarm goes off, Logan is gone. Something inside me feels like a deep well, hollow and cold. I roll out of bed and shower quickly. Knowing I’m going to be trying on dresses later I opt for a soft white peasant dress and soft suede belt. I’m buckling the strap on my heels when Logan appears in my room.

“Sorry, I meant to be here when you woke up, but I lost track of time a little.”

I shrug and proceed to weave my hair into a loose braid, tying it off with a bit of ribbon. Standing up I go to the jewelry box and pull it open. It’s made of wood and brass and when I tug open the tiny glass doors, Brahms lullaby starts playing. A birthday gift from my father when I was a little girl. Now every time I hear the tune I feel close to him, and I really want to feel close to him today.

“Look what I found,” I say, holding up a long silver chain with a bottle cap dangling from it.

Logan grins, walking over to see it better. “I can’t believe you still have that.”

“We were what, like six?”

He shakes his head. “And I gave it to you in exchange for—“

“A kiss. My first kiss as a matter of fact.”

“And you kept it all this time?”

I shrug. “First kisses are a big deal for a girl.”

I don’t tell him that after he gave it to me, for the next few weeks, I’d convinced myself it meant we were married. I’d even told my dad that I was going to have to move out of the house and move into the tree house with Logan since he was my husband. Dad just laughed and told me that someday, I’d get married for real and when that happened, that he’d have to approve of it because he’d be giving away his only daughter.

I feel my heart stutter at the memory.

“It was a big deal for me too.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever Logan. You probably don’t even remember—“

He holds out a finger. “You were wearing a yellow sweater. I told you it made you look like a bumble bee. You hit me. And then, I gave you the necklace because you were crying. You sniffled and said, what does it cost? And I said,” he pauses so I finish.

“A kiss from a crying girl.”

“See? I remember.”

I smile sadly. Why can’t life ever turn out the way it’s supposed to?

Putting the necklace over my head I let it fall against my chest. I don’t look back at Logan until I’ve fought back the tears. I’m not going to cry again. Not today. Today, I just have to… survive.

“Look, about Bruno,” Logan starts, clearing his throat. “It’s okay for you to like him. I mean, not that you need permission, but…Bruno’s a good guy. You deserve a good guy.”

I take a deep breath.

“Okay, quit trying to make me cry, you freaking sap. I just did my mascara.”

He looks offended, then realizes that I’m teasing.

“Me? You busted out with the childhood memories. Geeze woman. Pining away much?”

I chuckle. “Well, you know me. I never throw away perfectly good jewelry.”

He lowers his voice seriously. “You look beautiful, by the way. Just thought you should know.”

I pull my shoulder into my chin. “Oh, I know. But thanks just the same. Are we ready to do this?”

He nods and I hear the doorbell ring. I’d almost forgotten I asked Bruno for a ride today since I was going shopping with Cassidy right after school.

“Um, I’m going to go hang out at my house today, okay? I want to see my mom, make sure she’s doing alright.”

I nod. “See you at lunch?”

He smiles and vanishes.

By the time I get to the front door my mom is chatting away with Bruno, who looks completely undaunted by her. Granted she’s only five foot four, a hundred pounds wet, but she can be as intimidating as a grizzly bear.

I kiss her quickly on the cheek, pushing Bruno out the door with a hand to his chest.

“Bye mom. See you later,” I say, ushering him toward the truck.

“What, you don’t want me to talk to your mom?”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t want her to start sending out our wedding invitations just yet. She tends to get a little over excited.”

He opens my door, stopping to kiss me before he lets me in. I sigh deeply. I really do enjoy kissing Bruno.

“She’s nice,” he says.

“Um, she’s meaner than a bag full of squirrels and twice as nuts.”

He laughs.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

He turns the key in the ignition. “You. I don’t think I’ve heard you insult anybody in a few days. Are you saving up for a special occasion?”

Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Maybe. It’s almost Homecoming after all.”

“Good. I like to watch you get all wrath-y. Just, you know, not on me.”

I smile until may face hurts.

When we get to school Bruno walks me to my locker as usual, only he’s acting weird, jumpy.

“What got sprinkled on your granola today?” I ask, turning the combination lock.

He steps back and when I open the locker it’s full of flowers. Not roses or carnations or anything as mundane as that, but it’s full of tall, white daisies.

I pull out the bouquet and inhale deeply. I love daisies. They’re my favorite flowers.

“How did you know?” I ask, already suspecting the answer.

Carlos walks up from behind, his hand in the air.

“He called in back up last night.”

I stare at Bruno. “When did you have time to put these in here?”

He shrugs meekly, “I got up early and did it this morning.”

“Then you came all the way back to my house to pick me up?”

I’m so stunned, I’m not even sure what to say when he grins sheepishly. Looking back down at the flowers I see a little card tucked into the flowers. Pulling it out I read it.

For the prettiest girl I’ve ever met.

Love,

Kyle.

It’s so strange to see that he’s signed his first name it takes a second to click in. For as long as I have known him, everyone just called him Bruno. I never even thought to ask if he would prefer something else.

Stepping in close I wrap my arms around his neck.

“Thanks, Kyle. I love them.”

He blushes wildly and I reach onto my tiptoes to kiss him. The bell rings, jarring us apart.

He brushes his hand over my hair, kissing me on the jaw.

“See you at lunch.”

Coach Mason stops me after first period to give me a list of the teachers chaperoning for the dance.

“Thanks. I’ll pass this onto the Dance Committee,” I say tucking it in my bag.

He tilts his head, looking at me quizzically. “Is everything alright Zoe? I can’t help but notice you seem a little distracted lately.”

I frown. “No, everything is good. Why? Are my grades slipping?”

“No, I just noticed, you seem to have come into a new group of friends this year.”

“Yeah,” I say, trying not to sound irritated at his keeping me so late. “They’re great.”

“You know, we have grief counselors available to students still struggling with what happened to Kaylee.”

Okay, this is just getting weird. Am I sending off some kind of pathetic, crazy chick vibes? Or worse, had he somehow overheard me talking to Logan yesterday after class? God, he probably thinks I was talking to myself.

“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind,” I say with a smile and rush out of the room.

As soon as I step foot in the hallway, my group of friends are there waiting. The girls are all taking turns cooing over the flowers and the guys are giving Bruno—no Kyle—a hard time.

I turn to my poor, embarrassed boyfriend and plant a kiss on him.

“So, I was thinking, I know everyone calls you Bruno, but would it be okay if I just call you Kyle from now on?”

I ask loudly, making sure the rest of the group hears me.

He smiles. “Sure, if you want.”

He bends over, plants a kiss on the tip of my nose and leads me out to his truck.

I don’t see Logan at lunch, which worries me more that I’d like to admit. We opt to skip the pizza today for Chinese and I’m glad we do. Any more pizza and I’m not going to be able to squeeze myself into that red dress anymore.

“So, what do you have going on tonight?” Bruno asks as the waitress hands out our plates.

“I’m kidnapping her,” Cassidy says with a mischievous grin.

Bruno glances over at me and I bat my eyelashes innocently. He sighs. “As long as you bring her back.”

“Where are you two going?” Becca asks curiously.

I glance up at Cassidy, who is looking at me like she’s trying to swallow the giant foot in her mouth. I give her a subtle nod.

“Dress shopping for Homecoming,” she answers, stuffing a fork full of rice in her mouth.

Becca stares at her silently, her face surprised.

“Do you want to come?” I ask, an open invitation to the table. It’s kind of a hollow gesture since I know for a fact that she, Madison and the twins have cheer practice tonight.

“I’ll go,” Darla chimes in, making me almost choke on my noodles.

I force a smile. “Great. Meet us after school.”

Just what I need, a two hour car ride with my new boyfriend’s jilted ex. Then again, maybe I can use her to my advantage.

There’s no reason to think the day could get any better. Logan still hasn’t shown up, I’ve been accosted twice by grief counselors trying to convince me to come share my feelings about Kaylee, and mom frantically texted me when the police showed up at our door with a search warrant for the necklace I already told them they could come get. I sigh deeply, watching from my desk, as the final minutes of last period tick away.

Beside me, Leena taps her pencil on the edge of her desk impatiently. The sound makes my eyeball twitch as I fight the urge to lean over, rip the pencil out of her hand and shove it up her—

The bell rings and I’m out of my desk like a shot, homicidal thoughts float away as I step into the hallway and see Bruno already waiting for me. He’s leaning against the lockers, twisting the lacrosse stick in his hands absently as he chats with Becker. The impulse to walk over and push my way between them is strong, making me wonder at what point I’d already decided on his guilt. Maybe it isn’t fair. But the sight of them together, laughing, makes my skin crawl. Luckily, before I can charge over and make a scene like a neurotic freak, Cassidy walks over, folding herself into Becker’s arms. He hugs her tightly and lowers his head to kiss her. My stomach lurches.

Then Bruno catches sight of me and holds out his free hand, which I take without hesitation, letting him draw me against him.

“Hey. How was class?” He asks warmly.

I swallow hard. The decision to tell him the truth was sort of made for me. In a town this small, no secret stays buried for long.

Lowering my voice I whisper, “I need to talk to you for a minute. Privately.”

He nods, his face going from joy to abject fear in a matter of seconds. We cross the hall and I pull him into Mr. Mason’s empty room, closing the door behind us.

“I need to tell you something,” I begin slowly. He takes a seat on the corner of Mr. Mason’s oak desk.

I straighten my shoulders, squaring off to him, my arms folded across my chest. “The police came to my house today. They had a search warrant.”

I wait for him to say something, trying to gauge his reaction carefully. His expression falls, then recovers quickly, a smile lighting up his face.

“Zoe, you scared the living shit out of me.”

I feel my eyebrows crease. “What?”

He hops off the desk, locking his arms around my waist. “I thought you were dumping me.”

“Why would I do that? Never mind. It doesn’t matter. But seriously, the police questioned me about Kaylee’s murder because I had been up at The Tower and they found my blood—“

He holds up a hand. “Blood?”

I hold out my palm. The scratch is deep and still ugly, but I’d taken the bandage off and never put another one on.

“I was up there after Logan…” I let my words trail off, choosing my story very carefully. “I went up there to try to make sense of what happened to Logan. It was way before Kaylee was killed. But I cut myself on The Tower and they found my blood, so they thought—“

“They thought you might have something to do with it.”

I nod, clutching my hand. “But I didn’t. I swear to God I didn’t.”

He reaches out and touches the side of my face. “I know that Zoe.”

“You do?”

He nods, leaning forward he kisses me gently. “No one who threatens to kill people as often as you do would be dumb enough to actually kill someone.”

I smile against his lips.

“You,” he whispers. “For all your tough talk, you have a very gooey center.”

I pull away just a little. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

He just shakes his head. “You might be able to hide it from everyone else, but I’ve seen it. Do you remember last year when Kaylee was tormenting that freshman girl with the red hair?”

How could I forget? The girl, not knowing any better, had accidentally taken Kaylee’s parking space. Kaylee had tracked the girl down before class and shut her long red hair in a locker. The girl was in tears. Kaylee and the lemmings just laughed.

That was the day I got myself on Kaylee’s bitch radar. She never retaliated against me, but I spent the better part of the year jumping at shadows waiting for her to take her revenge.

Now that I think about it, I can’t help but wonder if Logan had somehow tempered her rage on my behalf. I make a mental note to ask him about it later.

I nod.

“I’ll never forget it. You walked right up to Kaylee and told her to go take a Midol and get the fuck over it. Then you picked the lock and got that girl out.”

My mouth twitches. “She transferred to private school like two weeks later.”

“But you, you were this fierce, amazing, beautiful creature. An avenging angel. That’s when I saw you, really saw you, for the first time. I think I fell for you that day.”

“And yet you waited all this time to make your move on me.”

He rolls his eyes. “Well, you weren’t usually what I’d call approachable.”

I frown. He’s right and it’s no one’s fault but my own.

“I’m working on that,” I say honestly.

He grins. “Don’t work too hard.”

I sigh, knowing we’ve gotten way off track.

“But, like I was saying, while I was there I found her necklace. I brought it home. I was going to have it fixed and give it back to her.” I sigh deeply. “I knew Logan would want her to have it.”

“See? Gooey center.”

I lower my chin and give him a be serious look.

He hugs me. “Zoe, we were all questioned about Kaylee. Me included. I’m not worried about it.”

“But people talk and when they find out that the police searched my house—“

He shrugs. “People will talk. Then they will find whoever actually did this, and they will talk about that.”

I lean against him, resting my head in the curve of his neck. “You don’t care that people will be talking about me?”

“Are you kidding? People are talking about you now. I swear it’s like they never knew you existed before and now, you’re like the resident superstar. Not to brag, but most of the guys on the team are just waiting for us to break up so they can have a shot at you. But they are going to be waiting a hell of a long time.”

“Yes, they are. Besides, I doubt any one of them could handle the massive amount of crazy that comes with dating me.”

“Speaking of crazy, do you have any plans Friday night?”

I press my hands against his chest, feeling his strong, steady heartbeat under my fingers.

“Why? Are you thinking we should knock over a bank or something?”

He tilts his head back and forth, like he’s considering it. “I was thinking about something a little more benign. Like dinner and a movie?”

I grab the collar of his shirt, “This is very important, Kyle. It could decide the very fate of our relationship.” Lowering my chin, I look up at him seriously, “Romantic comedy or bloody zombie flick?”

He raises one eyebrow. “Zombies for sure.”

I grin. “Correct. Looks like it’s going to be smooth sailing from here.”

He kisses my nose, “Good to hear. But I gotta go. I’m already late for practice.”

I sigh and release him. “Fine, go if you must. I have to go meet up with Cassidy and Darla anyway.”

He cringes. “About Darla.”

I fold my arms across my chest.

“Whatever she tells you, just…take it with a grain of salt, okay?”

“Why? Does she know all your deep, dark secrets?”

He rolls his eyes. “No, but she’s still a little bitter.”

“Darla? Bitter? Surely you jest.”

“It’s an extreme case.”

I shrug. “Every female has the batshit crazy gene. It just takes that special guy to activate it. Sounds like you were the lucky dude.”

He frowns and I wave him away. “Relax. Go to practice. I can handle Darla and her bitterness.”

He nods and walks out. I’m about to follow him when Logan flashes in.

“Are you okay?” He asks, breathlessly.

I frown. “Yeah, why?”

“The police came to my house today. They were asking my mom a lot of questions about you.”

“Me?”

He nods. “They think we were in a secret relationship or something. Then they searched your house. They didn’t find anything but…”

“But what?”

“It’s going to look bad, Zoe. Them asking questions like that, then searching your house. When people find out, they are going to assume you’re involved.”

“The police can’t find anything to tie me to Kaylee, because there isn’t anything to find.”

“I know that. And even if the police never press charges, just being a suspect will put you under a microscope in the worst way.”

“I know. I just told Bruno about it.”

“What did you tell him?”

I shrug. “The truth. Minus the part where I can see and talk to his recently deceased best friend.” I bite my bottom lip. “All we can do is figure out whose car you saw that night. If I can figure out who killed you, maybe I can make all this go away.”

He nods. Reaching out he touches my arm, solid only for a moment before fading into air.

“Logan, you have to keep trying to remember what happened. I’ll follow the car lead, but it’s all just such a long shot. And even once you remember, we will have to figure out how to get the police on board.”

“I thought about that. They never found my cell phone. It was turned off so they couldn’t trace it. But I know where it is. I lost it that night, it fell in this hollow spot at the base of a tree. If we can find the phone, plant it on the killer. Then all it will take is an anonymous phone call.”

I nod. “That’s a good plan actually.”

“You sound surprised.”

“Color me impressed is all. In the mean time, I have a shopping date with the girls.”

“You want back up?”

I almost laugh. “So you can hang out in the dressing rooms in Niemen? No thanks perv.”

He folds his arms indignantly. “Fine. I’ll be here, watching TV in your room.”

I lick my lips, “Actually, could you do something for me?”

He tilts his head. I want to kick myself for even asking, but deep in the pit of my stomach guilt and worry gnaw at me.

“Can you keep an eye on Bruno? He’s at practice with Becker and…I’m just worried about him.”

His jaw clenches and he nods. “You really care about him, don’t you?”

God, is this feeling ever going to go away? Every time Logan and I are together it feels like I’m slowly bleeding to death from a million tiny cuts.

“I do.”

He looks away, trying to conceal the pain in his expression, but failing. It stabs me in the heart like a knife.

“So do I,” he whispers and vanishes.