Outside

Chapter Thirteen

The next two weeks were life-altering for me. Connor and I stole every spare moment we could. My family wouldn’t have shown him such generous hospitality if they had known exactly how we were spending our time together. We couldn’t get enough of each other. While my parents and brothers were out working, we went off in Connor’s camper van and, as soon as we found a quiet place to park, we would close the curtains. There, in the illicit gloom, our minds and bodies became the source of endless fascination.

‘Ellie, you’re amazing.’ He kissed my arm, soft butterfly kisses that sent me half-mad and he wasn’t afraid to look right into my eyes, unnerving me with his candour. I savoured every single word and every single kiss, memorising it all and storing it away to dissect and revel in later.

He pushed me gently down onto the converted bed. ‘I feel like this is my real home – here with you,’ he said with a half-smile. ‘I know it sounds cheesy, but… it’s how I feel.’

‘I know,’ I whispered, looking up at him. ‘I just wish we could stay here and forget everyone else. I never want to have to go home.’

‘So let’s pretend there’s no outside. This is all there is.’ He leant over me so his dark fringe fell into his eyes. He lowered himself down and kissed me until I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

The time we spent in each other’s company flew past in a momentary flash of brilliant light, but the hours we were apart plodded by like so many centuries of darkness. I lost my appetite for food, but felt like I could live on the love-infused air I gulped down.

Abi couldn’t understand any of it, and I felt bad for neglecting her so much. I didn’t want to be one of those people who dropped their friends as soon as they got a boyfriend, but I couldn’t help it. These feelings were outside my control – a need that made everything and everyone else unimportant.

Even after all this time, I still felt unimaginably nervous in his company. I was always trying to impress him with witty sarcasm, trying to be cooler than I was. I couldn’t understand his interest in me. I imagined his type of girlfriend to be an edgy blonde with tattoos and piercings or a svelte raven-haired indie chick. I was a boring middle class brunette to whom nothing exciting ever happened. But he seemed to want to be with me and I couldn’t believe it.

One warm evening, we sat together on the top of Smallpox Hill amongst the heather and rabbit holes, gazing out across the sun-faded countryside.

‘I like it here,’ Connor said. ‘It’s peaceful. But I miss Ripon.’

‘Is that where you’re from?’

‘Yeah.’

I wanted to ask him how long he would be staying down here, but I didn’t want him to think I was being clingy or needy.

‘When was the last time you went home?’ I asked instead. ‘And where is Ripon, anyway? I know it’s up north somewhere…’

‘Ripon’s in North Yorkshire, but I don’t go home. Not anymore.’ His mouth hardened into a thin line and he started tearing small clumps of grass out of the ground.

‘Don’t you get on with your parents then?’

‘My mum’s great. It’s my dad…’

‘Oh. Sorry.’

‘Yeah, well. I like my life now. I just work wherever. And I’m lucky I’ve got my bus. My grandad left it to me in his Will.’

‘What happened with your dad? Tell me to shut up and mind my own business if you like.’

‘Nah, you’re alright. We never got on. I was never good enough for him. All I ever felt when I was at home, was pressure. Like I was gonna suffocate.’ He sent a clod of earth spinning down the hillside and put his hands up in front of his face. I heard him grit his teeth in anger. ‘I knew nothing I did would ever make him happy, apart from maybe being a brain surgeon or winning the Nobel Peace Prize or something. So I just thought it would be easier if I did a runner.’

‘Connor, I’m so sorry.’ I put my arm around his shoulders and he gave me a closed-lipped smile.

‘It wasn’t easy for Mum though and I feel bad about leaving her. But at least she’s not walking on eggshells any more, trying to keep the peace, you know?’

I didn’t know. I realised how lucky I was to have my warm, loving family to support me. Connor was on his own.

‘But it’s not all bad, Ellie. If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have met you.’

His words gave me goose bumps and I smiled at him. In my eyes, he was amazing, with a strength of character I envied. I had never considered I could ever feel like this about another human being. He smiled back at me and pulled me towards him. We kissed a long deep kiss that spread throughout my body. This relationship was turning me into a new person. Someone who was ready for the world. I could do anything I wanted.

Then, one hazy summer day, everything suddenly changed to break the spell.