Outside

Chapter Thirty Six

At the end of September, Tom came home one night with some horrendous news.

‘Johnny’s parents were both killed last week in one of the Southampton bombings.’

‘Oh no.’ I sat down suddenly, shocked. ‘No! I can’t believe it. What? Both of them?’ I asked, feeling so bad for Johnny.

‘Yeah.’

We all just looked at each other. Nobody knew what to say anymore. It just seemed like bad news on top of bad news.

‘He’s gonna be driving back home tomorrow,’ Tom added.

‘D’you think I should ring him?’ I asked my family. ‘I mean, would he even want to hear from me after everything?’

‘I think that would be a nice thing to do, darling.’ My mother came over to me and stroked my hair.

‘Yeah, but you dumped him,’ David said bluntly. ‘He might not need reminding of that after what’s just happened to his family.’

‘That’s a bit harsh, Dave,’ said Tom. ‘Anyway, I don’t think he’d really care about that. He’d just be pleased she cared enough to call.’

‘I say call him,’ Oliver shouted over his shoulder from the other room.

‘Oh my God, now you’ve all really confused me,’ I said.

They started arguing amongst themselves, so I left them to it and went upstairs to think about poor Johnny and what he must be going through.

It turned out I was spared making a decision as he called round about half an hour later to say goodbye in person. David shouted my name up the stairs while I stared vacantly through my bedroom window at a double-glazed sunset. It made me squint and look away; its beauty an irritation. I still felt and looked awful, but I was past caring about my appearance. David shouted again. I heard impatience in his voice and I heard him say Johnny was here.

I slouched downstairs in my tatty old tracksuit and toxic slippers, my hair scraped back off my face in an unbecoming, curly greasy ponytail. I felt shaky and nervous.

Johnny stood in the hallway with rounded shoulders and his hands clasped in front of him. When he looked up at me, I could tell he was a little surprised by my appearance. I was shocked by his. He looked haggard, with dark circles under his eyes and his hair grown out into an unfashionable fuzz. He gave me a warm hug though and we went and sat in the lounge, which everyone tactfully vacated, after passing on their condolences.

‘I’m so sorry about your parents,’ I said. ‘If there’s anything I can do…’

‘Thanks. I’m going home tomorrow morning, finally. I had to wait for my petrol ration. My brother and his wife are meeting me at mum and dad’s.’ He swallowed and took a breath to steady the wobble in his voice. ‘So, I should be okay for a while.’

‘That’s good. That you’ll have family there to look after you, I mean.’ I felt like I’d said the wrong thing.

‘Yeah.’ There was a long awkward pause and then Johnny surprised me. ‘I heard about what happened to Connor. I’m really sorry. I mean, I know you really liked him. I tried to find out what happened to him for you, but I haven’t got a contact number for Sam, and his parents don’t know when he’ll get leave.’

‘You didn’t have to do that.’ I couldn’t believe he’d tried to do such a nice thing for me. I certainly didn’t deserve his help. ‘I just want you to know, I’m really sorry, Johnny. About everything, how it all turned out… you and me. You must think I’m a horrible person, and now your parents…’ It was no good. I tried to stop them, but the tears just streamed down my face. Johnny’s Mum and Dad were dead. Connor was dead. The world was going to hell, and now he’d think I was a weak, self-centred bitch for crying all over him.

‘Don’t cry.’ He picked up his jacket and used the lining to dab my tears away.

‘Your lovely jacket…’

‘It’s not lovely. I don’t even like it. Sam persuaded me to buy it. Thought it made me look cool, but I think I look like a twat in it.’

I giggled through my tears. ‘No, you don’t.’

‘No? Okay, but I made you laugh though.’

I nodded.

‘Look, Eleanor, I’ve got to go back to some pretty unpleasant stuff, and I don‘t know if, or when I‘ll be back. My uni course has been suspended indefinitely, so…’ He shrugged. ‘I just wanted to come and say goodbye, and no hard feelings, and I hope everything goes well for you.’ He got up to go.

‘Thank you. Same to you. Okay, well take care of yourself.’

‘You too.’ We hugged and kissed on the cheek and then he left.

But that wasn’t the last I would see of Johnny Culpepper.