Outside

Chapter Thirty

Calling Abigail from my mobile, I swallowed my anger and tried to adopt a friendly, apologetic tone. I asked if she’d meet me at the recreation ground that afternoon. She agreed. I waited for her in the deserted playground and sat on a cold, wet swing. She was twenty five minutes late, but I smiled at her when she arrived, hands in her pockets, the hood from her parka covering her platinum hair. She glanced at the swing next to me, but it was covered in raindrops so she stood where she was.

‘Grotty day,’ she said.

‘Hi Abi,’ I said, trying to be breezy. I brought my swing to a stop and stood up, forcing myself to say the next few words. ‘I’m sorry I slapped you before.’ I gave her what I hoped was an apologetic smile. ‘I must have been in shock or something.’

‘Don’t worry about it. I knew you weren’t yourself.’

I tried to restrain myself from slapping her again.

‘You know,’ she continued. ‘I get you were upset about Connor. He tricked us all and you must’ve felt pretty used and stupid when you found out.’

Good God, it took all my strength not to punch the smug smile off her face. I took a deep breath and hummed a tune in my head trying to ignore the self-satisfied crap pouring from her spiteful mouth.

‘Finding out he was a terrorist must have been such a hideous shock.’

I stifled the many retorts that came to my lips and just nodded my head.

‘I feel like I haven’t seen you for ages,’ she breathed. ‘Let’s forget about boys and do something fun.’

‘Yeah, good idea. But do you know what actually happened to Connor? Is he still under arrest or have they let him go?’

‘Oh for God’s sake,’ she said. ‘Connor, Connor, Connor! You’ve only known him for a few weeks and it’s all you go on about. It’s so bo-ring.’

‘I know.’ I smiled and tried to stay upbeat and act like I didn’t care. I knew if she sensed my desperation, I wouldn’t get anything out of her. God, why had I had her as my friend for so long? I must have been blind. She was a monster. ‘I just want to know so I can put him out of my head. It’s bugging me, you know?’

‘Yeah, fair enough. But you won’t like it, Ellie.’

I heard the blood pound in my ears. What was she going to tell me? I swallowed down bile in the back of my throat.

‘Look, Abi,’ I pretended to be bored. ‘I don’t really care, but I need to know for Tom. Connor’s a good friend of his and he wants to know what’s going on.’

She eyed me sharply.

‘Anyway,’ I tried a lighter tone. ‘I’d like to know if I’ve been going out with a convicted terrorist or not.’ I pulled a lopsided face.

‘Yeah, not cool,’ she relaxed her gaze and actually laughed. ‘Look, he’s dead okay? There, I’ve said it.’

Her words hung between us.

‘I’m sorry. I know you liked him and everything.’

‘Liked him,’ I repeated. ‘Liked him? He’s the love of my life. I love him and he’s not dead. You’re lying.’

‘I thought you said you didn‘t care…’

‘Liked him?’ I looked at her with what must have been pure loathing, because she backed away. ‘You are a jealous, vindictive cow. This is you and Bletchley pretending to be soldiers. What I want to know is why I ever had you as a friend in the first place?’

‘Now hang on,’ she interrupted. ‘If it wasn’t for me…’

‘If it wasn’t for you, I would never have gone out with Johnny in the first place. You only hooked me up with him so we could be a foursome with you and Bletchley. If you hadn’t been such a bossy cow, I would’ve been free to see Connor…’

‘Don’t call me a cow, you psycho bitch…’

‘…and Soldier Boy Sam wouldn’t have had some pathetic idea about avenging Johnny’s hurt pride.’

‘Yeah, well blame me if it makes you feel better, Ellie.’

That stung. I knew in my heart it was my own stupid fault for being so easily led by her. I felt disgusted with myself, defeated, tired, bereft. There was nothing left for me, nothing that mattered anymore. I was too numb to even cry.

‘How do you know what’s happened to him anyway?’ I suddenly asked. She looked angry and uncomfortable, shocked by the strength of my feelings.

‘Ellie, I’m sorry. Sam called me. Connor tried to escape at Portsmouth and a soldier shot him. I don’t know the details.’

‘It’s all gone mad,’ I muttered. ‘Connor wasn’t a terrorist. It’s all bloody stupid.’

Abi looked like she was going to leave, but then she changed her mind and put her arms around me. But my body was stiff and unyielding, and I wouldn’t sink into her clumsy, cold embrace.