Outside

Chapter Forty Four

‘Here, look,’ I whispered. ‘This is perfect.’ I picked up a large brown stone and placed it just inside the fence, next to the entrance hole.

Connor had managed to disable the electricity and cut out a small section of fence at the back of my neighbours’ garden.

‘I’ll be able to leave a note for you underneath the stone, with a date and a time. You can hide your van somewhere out there and then crawl through to meet me.’

‘I might not always be able to make it though,’ Connor said.

‘Well same here. But we can try.’

‘Can we try now?’

‘Eddie and Rita are away, Luc’s training today…’

‘Anyone else?’ he asked.

‘Nope. The poolhouse is always unlocked. There’s a nice comfy sofa…’

He grabbed my hand and led me through the trees towards the poolhouse.

The Donovans always let me know when they would be away, so it was easy for me and Connor to meet up. Sometimes he would be there and sometimes he wouldn’t. Sometimes I would be so desperate to see him, I would get Tom to cover for me and I would drive over to the compound anyway. But I knew it was dangerous on all sorts of levels, and the risk of being discovered increased.

One summer evening, Johnny was out working as usual. He wouldn’t be back until early morning. I felt bored and restless. I couldn’t settle to anything. The girls were in their rooms listening to music. I felt caged in. I didn’t feel like an adult with responsibilities. I didn’t feel like a parent. I had a yearning to do something fun and reckless, like going out partying or getting drunk, or…

I went down to the annexe to see Tom.

‘Hi, Sis. What’s up?’

‘Bored.’

‘What are you? Twelve?’

‘Ha, very funny. I’m serious. I might go and see Connor.’ I walked past him, into the kitchen and sat at the small round table.

‘Don’t go,’ he frowned, closing the front door and following me in.

‘Johnny’s out again. The girls are in their rooms. What could it hurt?’

‘You need to end it, Ellie. It’s going to wreck everything. End it or come clean.’

‘I know, I know. It’s just… It’s complicated. It’s Connor. Oh, it’s not fair.’

‘You’re right, it’s not fair. But what about Johnny? What about the girls?’

‘I know. I’ll end it.’

‘You said that before.’

‘No. I mean it. I’ll end it tonight.’

He raised his eyebrows and I felt scepticism radiating out of him.

‘I will.’

‘You should.’

I stood up and headed back towards the front door. My heart beat excitedly at the thought of seeing him. How could I possibly end it? I’d think about it. I ran back home and shouted up to the girls that I’d be at Tom’s if they needed me. Then I jumped into my AV and started up the engine.

Charlie Duke’s disapproving stare followed me out, as I drove through the Perimeter gate.

‘Miserable old git,’ I muttered.

I turned left and was immediately blinded by the full glare of the dying evening sun. I quickly flicked on the windscreen filter, muting the sharp rays. A muffled thud startled me and my heart sank as I saw a dark figure lying by the side of the fence. I didn’t stop, but slowed down and glanced in my wing mirror.

‘A man.’ I breathed out and realised I’d been holding my breath for quite a time. I sucked in a lungful of air and made brief eye contact with him in the mirror as he lifted his head. I must have hit him and I felt a lip-biting pang of concern. But everybody knew you didn’t stop for anything outside the Perimeter. People had been killed before, doing just that. In fact it was a common trick used by muggers to get people out of their vehicles – they’d pretend to be hit and then attack the concerned driver.

I’m sure he’ll be okay. I reasoned, convinced and then banished my already stretched conscience.

I suppose I should have turned back and asked one of the guards to check him to see if he was okay, but I didn’t. I drove to see Connor and left my girls home alone. I returned, safe and sound, to Tom’s annexe by five am. By the time I got home, Skye was already dead.

My baby was dead and it was my fault. Mine.

A knock at my bedroom door. Go away, I thought. Leave me alone.

‘Ellie,’ a whisper. ‘Ellie, it’s me. Tom.’ I heard the door brush across the carpet. Johnny and Riley were downstairs somewhere, living their own personal hells. I was curled up in my bed living mine.

‘Ellie, I’m so sorry,’ Tom cried. ‘I can’t believe it… Skye…’

‘It’s my fault.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘It is. If I hadn’t gone out…’

‘If you hadn’t gone out, Skye would still have left the house. You’d have been asleep. You wouldn’t have heard her.’

‘Luc found her,’ I said. ‘They’re saying it might have been Luc…’

‘Well that’s crazy. But things have changed…’

‘What? What’s changed?’

‘Connor’s been arrested. They’re saying it was him who killed her. They found a hole in the fence and…’

‘Oh my God,’ I hissed. ‘No! That was… that wasn’t anything to do with…’

‘Ellie!’ Tom bent down and grabbed my arm. I was sobbing again. ‘Ellie! That hole?’

‘Yes!’ I said. ‘Yes!’ I almost shouted.

‘Shhh! For God sake keep your voice down.’

‘Yes, Connor and I made that entrance so he could come and see me.’

‘You idiot! What were you thinking?’

‘I know. It’s a mess. I’ve made a mess of everything.’

‘Too late for all that. They’re going to execute Connor.’

‘No! We have to get him out. You have to get him out, Tom.’

‘I know,’ he sighed. ‘Give me the keys to your AV. I’ll sort it.’

We sent Connor to lie low at my parents’ place in Uley. They had always been fond of Connor and were overjoyed to see him alive and well. They didn’t know he was also Ron Chambers, wanted for murder. They didn’t know he was my lover. They didn’t know anything.

But I eventually had to tell Johnny everything and this betrayal, on top of Skye’s death, was more than he could take. He said he thought it would be a good idea if I left for a while. He said I should go away and think about what I wanted – meaning Connor or him.

I couldn’t believe he was still prepared to accept me after all I had put him through. I sobered up quickly and went home to Uley to see my parents and Connor and to decide what to do next. The worst part was having to leave Riley behind. I knew she was disgusted with me – first for the drinking and then for abandoning her.

When I got to The Uley Perimeter, I did a lot of thinking. And although I now lived in the same house as Connor, I hardly saw or spoke to him. Everything had changed. I had changed. I realised what I had done and I felt ashamed, disgusted. I will always blame myself for Skye’s death, and the guilt now constantly plucks away at me, like a warped discordant guitar. But I welcome it. The guilt is something I deserve to live with.