Vampires Need Not...Apply

Chapter Veintiséis

“Are you sure you understand? Don’t let anyone see you, and you are only to intervene if the physicist needs help.” Cimil popped a handful of Milk Duds into her mouth and chewed nervously, staring at Roberto.

Roberto nodded and then kissed her wrist.

“Gud. Becosh whateber happens, dosh Scabs can’t be awowed to go fwee. Got it? We mush start kiwing dem off.” Chew, chew, chew. “Gods, I wuv Milk Duds.”

Roberto tightened his parachute.

“Shee you in”—chew, chew, chew—“Shedona, baby.”

She gave Roberto a push out of the plane’s rear door somewhere over Vilafranca del Penedès.

Gods, this was going to be wicked hard. She needed to have everything set just right or Operation Over would be… well, over. Phooey on that! She hadn’t carefully planned centuries of events merely to have it all fall apart in the final phase.

Cimil chewed and looked at her watch. She’d need to make a detour to her piggy bank—an ancient temple where she kept her most prized treasures (gold; jewelry; three Thighmasters; Bigfoot; the world’s largest pachinko machine; a few spare tablets for the all-necessary time travel and dimensional hopping; magic fairy dust; a flea circus; her collection of Betamax Love Boat episodes; and last but not least, a few hibernating armies for that rainy day, aka apocalypse) in Mexico and then head over to Bacalar to ensure all was ready for Chaam’s big arrival. According to her calculations, she’d still make it to Sedona in time to meet up again with Roberto, hand off the spare tablet, and then turn herself in. All part of the master plan.

I wonder if I’ll have time to hit a few garage sales before I’m imprisoned? A few beanbag chairs might be nice for her jail cell, and she needed a new saddle for Minky.

“I’ll jus hab to make time…” Chew, chew, chew.

Yes, because some things were too important to pass up even when the world’s fate hung in the balance. Garage sales being one of them.

At a quarter to midnight, Ixtab sat in her room and took one final look at the page she’d written, debating whether or not to put it in the envelope. What good would the truth be for Antonio now? No good at all. Yet she wanted him to know who she really was, not who she used to be: happy. Because of him. He’d freed her soul from the demons of her past—well, sorta. Mentally, the shackles were gone. And now she knew she was good not in spite of her flaws, but because of them. They taught her humility and compassion. They taught her to forgive—mainly herself, but forgiveness nonetheless. She wanted him to know that she’d never loved his father. And as much as it pained her to say so, she wondered if she had truly loved Francisco. Her past felt like an illusion caused by desperation and loneliness. It took meeting Antonio and feeling the powerful bond between them to realize that. Antonio helped her to understand what true love felt like. And she was eternally grateful for it, even though he didn’t love her back.

She sighed. What good would it do to know all that? None. If she cared for Antonio, she would not stand in his way to a wonderful life.

She tore up the page, threw it in the trash, and then gazed up. “Please. Just let him be happy, that is all I ask…”

But would the Universe listen this time? She could only hope. Because this plan of hers was insane. Completely insane. And it depended on her ability to lie. For the record, lying never came easy for her, and tonight, she needed to put on the performance of a lifetime.

She shook her head. How had everything gone from bad to messed up to seriously messed up to this? She’d come to Spain looking for Antonio, filled with hope, and found instead her dead lover who wasn’t a monk, but a stinking, rotten incubus. Now, she was going to help Antonio and give him up forever to another woman.

Never in a million years would she have seen this coming.

Doesn’t matter now, it came. She looked at her watch. And it’s showtime. Antonio is depending on you.

Ixtab stood and smoothed down the front of her bulky black dress. Gods, when this was all over, she was going to burn these wretched clothes. That is, if she ever made it back to this realm.

“I’m glad you came,” said Francisco in a scratchy voice. “I knew you would.”

Ixtab walked over to the bed and pulled up a chair next to him. The room smelled of decay, death, and evil.

“Did you now?” Ixtab responded coyly and pulled the dark green blanket up over his chest while crinkling her nose underneath her veil.

He coughed. Drool trickled from the corner of his mouth.

Ick. Just… ick.

“Of course. You cannot fight fate.” He wheezed his words.

“I fight with her all the time.” Ixtab reached over and fluffed the enormous pile of pillows under his neck and head. “Once we were on a pig farm, and I pushed her into a huge pile of poop. It was really funny, actually—but that’s beside the point. I’m not here because I’ve decided to be with you. Yet. I am here to ask questions, and the only way this will work is if you tell me the truth.”

“Ask away and the truth shall be yours,” he replied.

Grrr… “You just lied again, didn’t you?”

He made an evil snicker that faded into a cough.

“Can you at least try to tell the truth?” she asked.

“Perhaps.”

Finally! A straight answer. “Good enough. So after you die, you’ll take your son’s body. Then what?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean, how do you expect us to be happy if Antonio is always going to be hunting you? He hates your guts, you know. And he’ll hate you even more after you take his brother from him.”

“Who says that I will?” the demon questioned.

Huh? “You are taking Franco’s body, aren’t you?” That’s what Antonio had said to her in the garden—“vampires need not apply”—and that Franco would become the next host.

The demon wiggled his head from side to side and puckered his grayish-pink lips in a noncommittal sort of way.

“Aren’t you?” she asked again.

“I admit that had been my original plan, but I believe Antonio will be the better choice. Now that I’ve learned you are able to touch him and he is immortal—I think I may have found a permanent host.”

What? What? Oh. Come on! Why does everything have to be like this? Hate you, Universe! This was horrible. She needed the demon to want to kill Antonio—that was part of her plan. What plan? Well… the one she’d frigging made up somewhere between discovering the ex-love of her life was actually killed by an incubus and that she’d sacrifice anything to save that incubus’s son, Antonio—who she actually loved.

“But he’s a vampire,” she protested.

“That shouldn’t matter.”

“He seems to think it does,” she replied.

“Perhaps he’s been misled by a certain… demon?” the demon snickered.

Oh no.

“I do, however”—hack, hack—“believe the transfer may take a little extra help this time,” he added.

“Help? What, like a shoehorn or something?” She needed him to talk, to share his plan so she could effectively divert.

He lifted his gaunt hand off the bed and wagged his scraggly finger. “Uh-uh. I’m not telling. You’ll simply have to wait and see.”

“Don’t you trust me, Francisco? After all I suffered because of you? Don’t you know how many years I wanted to crawl into a hole and die because I missed you?” And now I want to do the same, but because you’re alive.

The demon’s thin lips formed a hard line. “You do not want to help my son?”

“If you know anything about me, then you know I can’t stand vampires. I find them repugnant—I even started a list: They hate sunshine. They drink blood. Oh, I especially can’t stand how disloyal they are. For example, your son has figured out how to open the portal, and he thinks I’m here luring you to go to him so he can throw you in. He’d never do such a thing if he weren’t a leechy monster.”

He studied her. “And you are telling me this because?”

She shrugged. “I’m a goddess who despises weakness, which is why I think your son is a vile bag of useless vampire giblets. You should be ashamed to be related.”

He nodded his head slowly. “Yes. He is a disgrace to my bloodline—so much…kindness and loyalty—but I still plan to take his body.” The demon licked his sticky, putrid lips. “I can’t wait to have you in my bed.”

Do not vomit. Whatever you do, do not vomit. “That’s the problem. You won’t have me. Do you honestly think I’d let a vampire touch me, even if he had you inside him? Haven’t you learned anything spying on me all these years?”

There was a long pause. Clearly the demon hadn’t thought his plan through. “What are you proposing?”

That you buy this giant, stinky bridge made of pure bull crap I’m about to sell you? “Haven’t you asked yourself why I can touch him? It’s obviously because your genes have evolved—must be whatever dark magic you used to create your little mini-Franciscos. I touched your other son, too,” she lied. “No problem. I bet if I touched you, it would be the same.”

The demon blinked. She did not. Not that he could see her, but not blinking was the key to rock solid bluff. “Watch…”

He jerked away, but there was only so far he could go considering his limited mobility.

Ixtab willed her cells to open to his darkness and take his energy in so he’d believe the lie. Please work, please work, please… Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah.

The most vile, horrid, sticky energy poured into her. And though it was only for a brief instant, she had to keep herself from falling over and retching violently on the floor. Only the thought of Antonio’s happiness kept her strong.

“Ha! See!” She forced the cheeriness into her voice.

The demon looked confused for several moments, and then a crescent moon grin stretched across his face.

Oh, boy. And to think, all those crusty, yellow teeth could be mine.

“This is truly wonderful. How?” he asked.

“Must be fate. Or you simply rock. Or perhaps both.” It had always amazed Ixtab how, despite being the masters of deception, demons were among the easiest species to manipulate. Their arrogance made them all too willing to believe any lie related to their awesomeness.

Demons. So lame…

Ixtab stood and dusted off her hands. “So, let’s get rid of Antonio before he causes us any problems.” Please buy my bridge. Please buy my bridge…

“I do not fear him.”

“You should, big boy. He’s immortal, smart, and he’s hell-bent on getting his revenge. We need to get rid of him. Please? I couldn’t be happy knowing his deception has gone unpunished.”

The demon reached for her hand—shit! Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah—and kissed it. Like poison from a venomous snake, his vile energy slithered its way up her arm. She wanted to remove her own hand with a cleaver.

“What do you want me to do, my love?” he said, stroking her wrist with his slimy fingertips.

Keep contents of stomach inside. Keep contents…

“He’s waiting for you now,” she advised. “We go downstairs, and when he opens the portal, I will push him in.”

“You are so wonderfully evil, just like your sister, Cimil.”

Gods. She still couldn’t believe Cimil had been helping this vile creature. There had to be an explanation.

Well, that little gherkin has to wait for another party.

“If only Cimil were here now; she’d be so proud…” Ixtab sighed for effect.

“Then you are in luck, my sweet Goddess of Suicide…”

Happiness, asshole. Goddess of Happiness.

“Your sister is not far,” he said, “and with her she brings her delightful friends.”

“Cimil? She’s coming here?” Ixtab tried to quell the parade of panic marching with drums and tambourines, refusing to be ignored.

“Why, yes. I told you I anticipated moving into a vampire’s body might be a bit tricky, so I asked for her help.”

Oh, crap. Cimil would see right through her. Ixtab had to hurry. “Funtastic! I’ve been dying to see her.”

“And the Maaskab are already here,” the demon added.

“Here?” Oh, gods, no…

“Yes. They came to assist with the transfer, too, since this is their magic. They are staying in the guest villa. Should be quite the party tonight.”

Maaskab? The fucking Maaskab are here? Here? Hate you, dramawhore! Hate you!

“Oh, honey. That’s great!” She clapped with nauseating enthusiasm. “I think the Maaskab are so misunderstood. Why can’t the other gods let them do their thing? I mean, really… the world would be such a boring place without evil.”

Oh. My. Gods. No wonder she’d felt so much darkness when she’d arrived. It had overpowered her from a half mile away. Breathe, goddess, breathe. You can do this…

“My sentiments exactly. I have a brilliant idea.” Hack, hack. “You could have sex with me after we deal with Antonio. I am sure my heart will give out, and then I can be inside Franco’s body for our second round.” He licked his scaly lips, which donned the color of a rotting corpse.

Oh yes! Just what I’ve always wanted: sex with Gollum. My precious…

“Oh. That’s a lovely plan, my love. Fate has been so kind to me, bringing you back into my life.”

The demon snapped his finger. “Help me up, Ixtab. Let us pay a visit to Antonio and his tablet. His demise will be my wedding gift to you.”

Married? Insert dirty fork in eye now. “Married? Oh, Francisco…”

He reached for her hand and gave her a proud, beaming… hack, gurgle, hack. “Take my hand, woman.”

Oh, gods, not again. Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah. She’d need to touch Antonio soon—to lighten her load—or she wouldn’t make it. Her body was very close to full capacity.