Vampires Need Not...Apply

Chapter Treinta y Cinco

February 1

Ixtab wore her favorite pastel yellow dress with white daisies and spaghetti straps, and for the first time in a very long time, she entered the summit chamber with a glorious smile on her face. Perhaps because Antonio held her hand and hadn’t let it go for hours, even as she’d gone out on her morning jaunt for souls in need. In fact, he seemed to enjoy the outing more than she had. A woman who volunteered at a battered women’s shelter had been having a rough go of it lately after her husband died. And Ixtab, for the first time ever, performed the cleansing ritual as the Goddess of Happiness, which had made her even happier. Of course, Antonio had an instant snack. It was simply amazing how he converted dark energy into food. It meant that Ixtab could help so many others now that she wouldn’t have to spend her time looking for country-club members. They were truly the perfect team—in love, in work, and in play.

Antonio and Ixtab made their way to the table, but what she saw stopped her in her tracks. “Who did this?”

Penelope and Kinich smiled. “We thought you deserved a new chair.”

This one had several symbols carved into its stone back: a chili pepper, a sunflower, a giant happy face. Ixtab sighed. “Thank you, everyone. That’s the nicest gift I’ve ever had.” She proudly took her new throne, and Antonio stood behind her as Penelope initiated the meeting.

“All righty, everyone. I call this summit of the gods to order.”

Penelope took roll call. Aside from Ixtab, present were K’ak, Fate, Belch, Bees, A.C., Akna, and whatsherface, the Goddess of Forgetfulness.

Missing were Cimil—still in deity jail—Zac, Máax, Chaam, and sadly, Guy. Ixtab’s heart grew heavy. She avoided her impulse to reach for Antonio for comfort. Some pain simply needed to be felt. Instead, she raised her hand. “Penelope. Before we start, has anyone heard from Chaam and Maggie?”

Penelope looked down at her hands. “No.”

Hell. It had been over a week already. “How about Guy?”

“Did someone call my name?”

The deities’ heads swiveled toward the entrance. Guy stood in all his enormous deity glory, wearing tattered, dirty clothes, glowing like a kid who’d just found a ten-dollar bill.

Kinich immediately went to greet him with a hug. “It’s about fucking time. Where the hell have you been?”

“We were freed this morning,” Guy replied, “somewhere north of the pyramid; we were simply spit out into the jungle and had to hike to a phone so the Uchben could retrieve us.” Guy looked him over briefly. “Are those fucking fangs, brother?”

“Nice to see you, too,” Kinich replied. “Where’s Niccolo and the other men?”

“Niccolo is with Helena and his daughter—he couldn’t wait to see them. The others went straight to Euro Disney to join the rest of the vampires—the damned strangest thing if you ask me, but strange seems to be the order of the day lately.” He directed his comment at Kinich’s mouth. “As for me, I’m here because I can’t find Emma; she’s not in her room.”

Ixtab smiled. “She’s in prison.”

Guy’s expression dropped off a cliff. “What the hell? Who is responsible?”

Ixtab quickly added, “She is there visiting her grandmother.”

Guy stared and his eyes filled with tears. Tears! Votan, God of Death and War, had tears streaming down his face! Hell just froze over!

“Y-y-you mean…” he blubbered. “Emma’s grandmother is not dead? I didn’t kill her?”

No doubt because he’d gone toe-to-toe with the old woman in the last battle, Guy believed he’d killed Emma’s grandmother, which would have put the world’s biggest rift between them. The irony was that no one ever survived a fight with Guy and lived to tell. Except for Granny! Oh! This is going to be so much fun messing with him!

“Not only that, brother,” Ixtab said proudly. “Emma has a little surprise for you.”

Guy wiped the tears from under his eyes. “What?”

“Guess you’ll have to go ask her. You’ll also be happy to know that I’m no longer the Goddess of Su…” Guy was gone faster than you could say “happiness.”

“Never mind…” Ixtab smiled at Antonio. “I really wish I could be there to see the expression on his face when Emma tells him she’s having a baby,” Ixtab said.

“And that Emma’s grandmother is cured,” Antonio added.

“What?” Penelope asked.

“Emma came to see us this morning and begged Antonio to suck out the bad juju from her,” Ixtab said.

“Weren’t you afraid you’d kill her?” Penelope asked Antonio.

“I sipped slowly and there was plenty of goodness left in her soul.” He made a sour face. “The good juice tastes awful.”

“Emma must be so happy. She gets back her grandmother and man on the same day. Gods, I just love happy endings.” Penelope sighed. “Okay. Where were we?” She looked around the table.

Ixtab slowly raised her hand. She didn’t want to do it, but what had to be done had to be done. Cimil harmed so many, including the ones she loved. “We must discuss Cimil’s fate.”

Penelope nodded solemnly and wrote it down. The deities unanimously agreed.

“I would like to bring the topic of our brother Zac to the discussion floor,” Kinich grumbled. Everyone raised their hands and Penelope recorded the votes.

“We must discuss Máax. He has broken the sacred law of no time travel,” Fate said.

Ixtab snarled. “No. I do not agree. Máax only did so to save me so that I could save Chaam, and therefore Guy and the others.”

Fate looked at Ixtab. “Did he or did he not time travel?”

“Yes. But—”

“Is it not a violation of one of our sacred laws, one that requires a review?” Fate asked.

“Yes. But—” Ixtab tried to reply.

“Was he under the influence of an evil power that forced him to break our laws?”

“Enough, Fate,” Penelope barked. “Honey?” She looked at Kinich.

He nodded. “Yes. We must discuss the facts—a sacred law has been violated, and it is the rule.”

“Frigging insanity!” Ixtab threw up her hands. “He’s already been banished and made invisible. He’s been denied any comfort or companionship for eternity. There’s nothing left to punish him with.”

“Not so,” Fate replied. “We can entomb him for eternity.”

“I hate you, Fate.”

Fate smiled. “Ditto.”

Ixtab looked at Kinich and Penelope, who shook her head. “I’m sorry. We have to follow the rules and at least discuss the matter according to our laws.”

For the next hour, Ixtab hung her head as the debates continued and voting concluded. Unfortunately, there wasn’t getting around what would come next. The laws they’d created to maintain a balance of power and protect humanity from themselves were now playing against Máax. Ironically, these were the same laws that would bring justice to Cimil and Zac.

Ixtab felt Antonio’s comforting hand on her shoulder as verdicts were recorded, and more than ever she was thankful she wouldn’t be facing this next chapter of their history alone. How had the gods arrived to such a sad place? Yes, many good things had happened, too: Everyone was free, and of course, Ixtab had finally had her two wishes granted. After seventy thousand years, she was no longer the Goddess of Suicide. And she now had the most perfect male on the planet to share her life with. Yes, the Universe had been good to her. Finally.

And yet dark times were coming. Very dark times. Despite what anyone said, Cimil had prophesied the end of days, and Cimil was never wrong. Ever. To make matters worse, the gods would have to face this challenge with their loyalties divided. Because there wasn’t a deity in the room who would not give their immortal soul to fight for one of the gods facing justice, herself included. She’d do just about anything to ensure Máax wasn’t punished.

“Time to read the decrees: Zac will be tried for treason,” Penelope said, tears running down her face. Ixtab knew they were tears of regret, not of pity for Zac. What he’d done to her and Kinich was unforgivable. “I hereby order Zac to be hunted and brought to the gods for justice. If found guilty, he will be stripped of his powers and banished to the mortal world for eternity.”

She paused with a heavy sigh. “Máax will be tried for violating our sacred law of time travel.” Penelope continued tearing up, and Ixtab couldn’t help but join her. Not even Antonio’s comforting touch soothed her sadness. “I hereby order Máax be found and brought to the gods for justice. Because this is not his first offense, if found guilty, Máax will be entombed for eternity.” Penelope swallowed.

“Go on, honey. You’re almost done.” Kinich squeezed her arm.

“I decree that Cimil will be tried for twenty counts of treason, fifty violations of our sacred laws—including aiding an incubus—two hundred counts of murder by the hand of Chaam, and the possible slaughter of hundreds of thousands of innocent mortals at the hand of the Maaskab and Obscuros, whom we believe she created.”

“Don’t forget the torture and imprisonment of ten naked clowns,” Fate added.

“They got free,” Belch argued.

“Okay, we’ll let that one slide,” Fate said.

Penelope continued reading the decree. “If found guilty, Cimil is to be stripped of her powers and banished to the human world where she will be entombed for eternity.”

Belch made a chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” Ixtab asked. None of this held even the slightest spark of humor. Máax being put on trial was a travesty. And the fact that Zac and Cimil had done such awful things was nothing but a tragedy for everyone. At the end of the day, even though the gods weren’t biologically related, Zac and Cimil were her family and possibly losing them—even if in the name of justice—felt terrible.

“You want to know what’s so funny?” Belch slapped his knee, chuckling like a… well, drunken fool. “Haven’t you idiots learned anything?” Belch looked around the table. “Wait for it… wait for it…”

“Wait for what?” Penelope said, a tremble in her voice.

The doors flew open with a gust of wind.

Belch slapped his hand on the table. “Checkmate! Gods, she’s good.”

THE PAUSE (NOT THE END)