White Trash Damaged

11

I SLEPT LIKE A rock the night after the show and was barely able to pull myself out of our cramped bunk by noon the next day. Keeping up with the schedule was torture on my body, and I was beginning to feel like an old lady.

I got myself ready for the day fairly quickly and sat around for the next hour trying to think up lyrics to a new song, but my mind was blank. The guys were off meeting with their new manager, and I didn’t expect them back anytime soon, so I decided to clean the bus. It only took me three hours to get it sparkling, and I had worked up a major appetite. I decided I would whip up a nice dinner. I had bought a few boxes of stuffing mix and instant mashed potatoes. It was the closest you could get to a home-cooked meal when you had only a microwave at your disposal, and I wanted the new manager to feel welcome.

I heard Tucker’s bike approach, and I jumped up to look out the small window by the kitchen table. He was being followed by a large SUV. I smoothed my hair and bounded out of the bus to greet them.

“Cass, this is Donna, the new manager. Donna, this is my girlfriend, Cass.” I looked over the woman in her pencil skirt and button-down white-collared shirt.

“Nice to meet you.” I gave her my biggest smile. She was incredibly attractive, standing about half a foot taller than I did with long, wavy, dark-brown hair that she kept pinned back on the sides. Her eyes were the brightest green I had ever seen—they had to be contacts.

“Likewise,” she replied as her eyes danced over the bus.

“Come on in. I was just getting ready to make dinner.” I smiled at Tucker, and he cleared his throat.

“Actually, were going out for dinner.” He gave me an apologetic shrug.

“Oh.” I smiled at how adorable he was when he didn’t want to disappoint me. “No problem. Let me grab my shoes and we can head out.”

“This is a business meeting, dear,” Donna cut in. I looked to Tucker, but he was staring at his feet, clearly trying to sidestep the awkwardness inherent in the situation at hand.

“That’s fine. I’ll just have dinner with Filth. Those boys have been looking a little skinny lately.” I maintained my smile, struggling to keep from looking like my feelings were hurt. I knew things would change when Donna arrived, I just didn’t realize that it would happen so quickly. I hoped that things would smooth out quickly.

“I can bring you something back if you want?” Tucker’s hand grabbed my side as his thumb rubbed small circles over my hip.

“No, it’s fine. Don’t be silly. Have fun.” I leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the lips, feeling awkward with this stranger watching us.

“I won’t be long. I promise.” He shot me a wink. The rest of the band didn’t say a word, and I suddenly felt like an outsider in our odd little family.

I slinked back inside our bus feeling sorry for myself. Things were going to change, and I hoped it would be for the better. The band needed someone to look out for them and their best interest, and Donna promised to be the professional who could take them to the next level. Still, I had a terrible feeling in my gut that this would put a strain on my relationship with the guys . . . and with Tucker.

I grabbed my notebook and began to pour out my feelings, holding nothing back. There was a small knock on the bus door before it pulled open, and Sarah stepped inside. I glanced up at her and went back to my writing.

“I saw the guys leave with that evil-looking secretary,” she said as she slid into the seat across from me.

“That’s the new manager, Donna.” I sighed and began to doodle on the edge of the notebook paper. “They went out for dinner.”

“Why didn’t you go along? Not feeling well?”

“I’m not a part of the band,” I replied, and I felt like an idiot for even being upset. I wasn’t a member of the band, and I really had no business at the meeting.

“Come on. You write their songs, keep them fed, and stop Eric from having a meltdown every other day. I’d say you have a very important role in this band.”

“It’s no big deal. Really. I needed to write more anyway.”

Sarah grabbed my notebook and turned it around so she could read what I had written. She smiled and slid it back over to me.

“I need to hire you to write for us. This is really good.”

I rolled my eyes and flipped the cover closed.

“Let’s go eat something.”

I sighed dramatically but was thankful I had made a friend that cared about my happiness. It felt good to know I could count on someone.

We opted for fast food to minimize the chances of running into the band while we were out. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever they had to discuss.

I ordered the biggest burger I could find, and Sarah got a salad, claiming she had to watch what she ate or risk not fitting into her tour wardrobe, even though she was built like a model.

“So tell me your backstory,” she said between bites.

I had absolutely no idea where to begin. So I started with the basics, deciding to gauge her reaction as I went before I revealed the really heavy stuff.

“I lived in a really small town in Georgia.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Not really.” That wasn’t true. I loved being with Tucker, but when I lived on my own, I had finally been able to rely on myself, and that had felt really good. I felt like an adult for the first time in my life. Now I was just along for the ride to someone else’s dreams.

“Family?”

“None that I know.” My father was the only family I had left, but I wasn’t even certain he was still alive. “You?”

“Mom and Dad don’t want anything to do with me and my devil music.” She rolled her eyes and chuckled, but I knew it bothered her more than she let on.

“Siblings?” I took another huge bite of my burger, savoring the greasy mess.

“I have a little sister. She’s really cool. Looks just like me with lighter hair. I miss her.”

“I’m an only child.” I shrugged. “I always wished I had a sister, but it is probably better I don’t.”

She pulled her eyebrows together as she took a sip of her drink. “Why do you say that? You fight all the time, but no one has your back like a sister or brother.”

“It was a bad situation.” I couldn’t imagine having to take care of a child in the situation I was in. Not to mention having another mouth to feed, another person to protect from Jax’s fists and my mom’s needles.

“Well, you have me now.” She grinned and I smiled back. She was starting to feel more like family to me than my own mother ever had.

We headed back to the bus, and I noticed movement through the windows. Sarah gave me a sympathetic look and I waved her on.

“It’ll be fine. I can handle one bitch. I used to waitress.”

“I’ll see you at the show then,” she called out as she circled around the bus.

I took a deep breath and pulled open the door. Eric was rambling a mile a minute about how much he hated when fans threw themselves at him, and I worried that something happened during their meal, but Tucker looked un-phased.

“Where you been, sweetheart?” he asked with a grin. I walked over to him, kissing him on the cheek. Donna was nowhere in sight. I relaxed into his arms.

“Went out with Sarah for some food.”

Eric slammed a cabinet door and I jumped.

“What’s up with him?” I asked as I watched him storm around like an animal.

“Some guy was hounding him and put him in one of his moods.” Tucker rolled his eyes.

“Want me to talk to him?”

“Be my guest.” He shrugged and let his hands fall to his sides.

“Eric,” I called out to him, and he turned to face me, his eyes void of anything. “Can I talk to you outside?” I asked, and he looked around before finally nodding and walking out the door, letting it bounce off the outside of the bus. Tucker shot me a worried look, but I wasn’t going to let him talk me out of helping Eric.

“Love you.” I gave Tucker a quick peck on the cheek and followed after Eric.

He was leaning up against the side of the bus, staring off at the buildings that lined the other side of the parking lot.

“One of those days, right?” I said, and he didn’t acknowledge me. “Sarah and I were talking about our families today.” He glanced my way at the mention of her name. I kept talking, knowing that if we spoke long enough he would forget what had upset him.

“She has a little sister. Did you know that? I’m an only child.”

“I had a little brother,” he said quietly. I wasn’t sure if I should ask what happened. I didn’t know if it would help him to talk about it or send him deeper into his funk.

“Hit by a fucking car.” He shook his head and looked down to the ground. “Nine years old, not even old enough to drive, and he gets taken out by a fucking car.”

“I’m so sorry.”

His eyes cut to mine and narrowed.

“Why are you sorry? You drive the car?”

“No.” I shrugged.

“Then you got no reason to be sorry.”

“I’m sorry that it happened . . . and I’m sorry that I brought it up,” I said honestly.

“Don’t be. No one wants to talk to me about him. But honestly, I like to think about him. I like to remember.” He rubbed his hand roughly over the back of his neck. “But you know what it’s like.” His eyes met mine again, and I knew he felt a kinship because of all the people I had lost. I nodded, my throat closing up.

“I’m not sure I would want to talk about those sort of things.”

“You don’t know until you try.”

I nodded but still wasn’t sure I was ready.

“You just gotta know it’s not your fault.” He gazed off into the distance. I didn’t know if he was speaking to himself or to me. “It took me years to not blame myself. I was right there. I could have shoved him out of the way. I could have done something, but I froze. I just stood there as the car drove off the road into our front yard. I couldn’t even scream.”

“I, uh . . . I let my mom get killed by my boyfriend . . . who also tried to kill me, but only managed to . . . kill my baby. Some days I wish he had been more successful.” I was surprised at how easily the honesty poured out of me. It was freeing, like opening up a gate to my soul.

Eric walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“I know I’m not easy to get along with, and maybe that’s because I think no one gets it, the survivor’s guilt, I guess.” He sighed, and I could see him contemplating what to say next. “But you get it. Thank you.”

I nodded, swallowing hard. That confession had drained the energy from me.

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re still here.” He gave me a small smile and stepped back onto the bus.