White Trash Damaged

16

I RAN INTO TUCKER’S arms, and he lifted me from the ground, spinning us.

“I have missed you so much,” he said as he sat me back on the ground and placed a hand on either side of my face. “How was your trip?”

“It was good. A little strange . . . but I’m glad I went.”

“Come on. We have a long ride ahead of us, and I can’t be late for the shoot.”

“You started shooting the music video? I thought that wasn’t until next week.”

“Change of plans.”

“I could have taken a cab, Tucker. You didn’t need to pick me up from the airport.”

“I wanted to see you as soon as possible.” He kissed me on the forehead, and I breathed in his scent of coconut.

We made our way out to his bike, and I slid on the back, wrapping my arms around his waist. I could ride with him all day long. I loved being so close to him and feeling like we were in our own little world.

After a few hours we pulled into the studio parking lot. My legs felt like jelly as I slid off the bike and stretched. Tucker did the same, looking pained from the round-trip he had made.

“You really didn’t need to come get me.”

“I really did.” He smiled and placed a kiss on my forehead. He looped his fingers in mine as we began to walk to the giant glass doors.

“I’m surprised Donna let you leave.”

“She doesn’t control me, Cass.” The anger in his voice made my heart rate accelerate. I hadn’t meant to insult him.

“That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry.”

He nodded and pulled open the door, waiting for me to walk through. I released his hand and stepped inside as he placed his hand on the small of my back and followed me.

The lobby was large but rustic. Everything was concrete, and brown swirling paintings hung all around the receptionist’s desk. It felt very masculine and cavelike, but done in an upscale manor.

“Welcome back, Mr. White.”

Tucker smiled at the woman sitting behind the counter who had a severe black bob. Her lips quirked into a smile as she picked up a phone and spoke quietly into the receiver.

We walked to the back of the room where there was a large set of medieval double doors made of a deep gray metal, lined in rivets. Tucker pulled it open, once again waiting for me to step inside before he followed. We followed the hall to the third door on the left with a bright red light over the door, signaling someone was working inside.

I was shocked as he pulled the door open. The room was massive with a giant green screen plastered across the back wall and a motorcycle, much like Tucker’s, in front of it. To the right was another screen and all of the band’s equipment. Eric was playing the drums as a man guided him on which direction to look. To the left was an elegant room that looked like the bedroom out of a mansion, complete with white silk sheets and a pile of pillows. That threw me for a loop, and I stopped walking, causing Tucker to run into my back. He gripped my hips and guided me forward as Donna’s eyes found us. She narrowed them, and I swallowed back the anger I instantaneously felt when she was around. I had a long couple of days trying to get reacquainted with my father, and I was in no mood to put up with Donna’s shit. She stalked toward us, folding her arms across her chest.

“I expected you an hour ago.” Her eyes were glued on Tucker.

“My flight ran late,” I chimed in. Her gaze flicked to me and back to Tucker.

“We are almost ready for you. Makeup is waiting.” She walked away with a loud huff.

“Makeup?” I laughed and spun around to face Tucker. He grinned and shook his head.

“I didn’t like the idea either.” He laughed and pulled me in to kiss him. I pressed my lips against his, letting my eyes flutter closed.

“Save the passion for the video, Tucker,” a man’s voice called from behind us, and I pulled back, immediately embarrassed by our public display of affection, but Tucker kept his grip around my waist. Tucker laughed and pulled me against his chest for a hug.

“You sure you want to be here for this?”

I furrowed my brow, searching his eyes.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I gave him a smile, but there was a look of concern in his eyes. “Go get ready before the wicked witch casts a spell on me.”

He laughed, shaking his head as he made his way to a back corner of the room toward a door that read DRESSING ROOM. I crossed my arms over my stomach as I wandered toward Terry and Chris who were hanging out against the far right wall. They smiled and greeted me when they noticed me, and I felt more at ease in the strange place.

“How’s it going?” I asked as I watched a petite blonde blot Terry’s cheek with makeup.

“They’re making us bitches, Cass,” Chris whined, and I snorted as the woman gave him a glare.

Two women walked toward us, and I realized they were twins as well. They wore only white bikinis and had tattoos covering their bodies. My eyes danced over the artwork on their skin, in awe at how beautiful they were.

“It’s not real,” one said with a heavy accent that I couldn’t place.

“You’re kidding?” I stepped closer to inspect the fake tattoos. “That’s incredible.”

“Thank you,” the woman who was still correcting the other twin’s makeup called over her shoulder to me.

“Girls,” called out the man who had spoken to Tucker earlier. I assumed he was a director or producer or something to that effect, but I didn’t want to ask and look stupid. The female twins scurried past me in their towering high heels and made their way to the bed. My stomach tied in knots as I looked back at Chris and Terry.

“It’s for our scene,” Terry spoke up, alleviating my fears. I sighed and smiled back at him, grateful he put my mind at ease. I glanced back over my shoulder at the man as he had the women sprawl out over the bed, positioning them like human Barbie dolls until he had them at the angle he preferred.

He yelled for Chris and Terry who had large smiles on their faces as they hurried to join the women. I backed against the wall and watched as they climbed into the bed, happier than I had ever seen them. I rolled my eyes and the makeup artist smiled as she watched me.

“First time?” she asked, and I wasn’t sure what she meant, but her question sent a blush spreading over my skin like wildfire. “Music video, I mean.”

“Yeah.” I nodded as I watched the twins begin to make out with their female counterparts as the camera moved closer to them.

“It’s not that bad. All make-believe. They look like they are enjoying themselves now, but I guarantee you that when the day is over, they will be exhausted and miserable.” I raised my eyebrows as I watched their hands roam all over the women.

“Somehow I doubt that.”

She laughed and patted me on the shoulder before disappearing behind the door that Tucker had gone in earlier. My eyes shifted to Eric as he continued to take direction and figure out the best way to shoot his part of the video.

A few minutes passed and four women came out of the makeup area, giggling.

“He is such a good kisser.” One of them laughed as the other scoffed.

“Please, his hands were all over my body.”

I stiffened, wondering who they were referring to. Eric glanced up and shot them a wink, causing them to erupt in a fit of giggles. I sighed and relaxed back into the wall. I don’t know what had gotten into me, but the entire situation was beginning to overwhelm me. I knew Tucker was a rock star and this was what he wanted out of life, but I didn’t know how much of the lifestyle he intended to partake in.

After nearly twenty minutes of watching Eric flirt with the girls and the twins rolling around in bed with the other twins, I was beginning to fall asleep. I sank down against the wall and yawned as I watched them shoot scene after scene of what looked like the same thing.

“Tucker,” a girl squealed, and I turned to see Tucker come out of the back room. He was wearing a plain white cotton tee and dark-wash jeans. He looked like he always did, and I wondered what they could have been doing to him for so long. The girl was in front of him, partially obstructing my view, but he glanced around her and winked at me, causing my heart to melt in my chest.

I stood, stretching, still sore from the long ride on the back of Tucker’s bike. The director called Tucker over to him and began giving him direction. I wanted to walk over, but Donna beat me to it, and I knew, as much as I hated it, this was part of her job and I had no place in it.

Eric made his way to me with a huge grin on his face.

“Twenty bucks says I can fuck at least two of them before the day is over.”

I cringed at his crude comment, but it secretly made me happy for him that he was moving past his crush on Sarah.

“Shouldn’t be too hard.” I looked around him at the girls as they stared at his back adoringly.

“Not hard at all.” He spun around and smiled at them.

“That’s what she said.”

Eric doubled over laughing, causing everyone to turn in our direction.

“She would never say that. Seriously, you suck at this.” His face was red as tears filled his eyes from laughing so hard. It was great to see him so carefree. It was a rare occasion, and I knew it was a big deal. Eric pulled me in for a hug, and I tensed, not used to him being affectionate with me or anyone, for that matter. I hugged him back as I glanced over at Tucker, his jaw clenched and his brow furrowed as he watched us. I pulled back, not sure if he was upset.

I smiled at Eric as he shook his head and made his way back to the scantily clad women. His arms were stretched out to his sides.

“Who wants to find out how hard a drummer can bang?”

The girls giggled, and I shook my head, laughing and glancing back to Tucker, but he wasn’t there. I scanned the area and found him mounting the motorcycle. A brunette got on behind him, wrapping her long tanned limbs around his body. My heart rate went into overdrive as I watched her lean in and whisper something in his ear, causing him to laugh as his hand went to hers around his waist. My heart was thudding so loudly in my ears I didn’t hear Donna’s voice until she repeated herself.

“He looks good out there.”

I didn’t respond, keeping my eyes locked on my boyfriend.

“You should take a walk, maybe pick up some lunch.” Her voice wasn’t threatening and didn’t have its usual edge to it.

“I’m not hungry,” I replied as I wrapped my arms around myself. Tucker spoke to the director as the model’s hands continued to roam over him. She looked in my direction as she said something to him, and he glanced our way, nodding and laughing again at something she said. Jealousy coiled in my belly, winding me tighter, and I wanted to explode. This is his job, I reminded myself. But you’re the one he chose to have on the back of his bike.

“Suit yourself.” Donna walked back over to Tucker and said a few things, everyone’s attention on her. Tucker made a face, and I couldn’t tell if he was frustrated or angry. He looked my way as they continued to speak quietly. Donna glanced over her shoulder, smiling. What I wouldn’t give to wipe that smirk off her face.

The model climbed off the back of his bike, and my heart began to beat normally again until she walked toward me. I held my breath as she approached, but she continued by and disappeared into the dressing room.

I wiped my damp palms on my jeans and tried to relax. The twins made their way across the room, and I wanted to carry on a conversation with them to put myself at ease, but they barely noticed me as they flirted with the other set of twins. I felt completely out of place, wishing I had a pen and paper so I could process some of the feelings that were brewing inside of me. I closed my eyes and began to count down from ten.

“You all right?” Eric asked, and I opened my eyes to see him beside me, his hands shoved in his jean pockets.

“Yeah.” I faked a smile, and he cocked his head.

“You expect me to believe that?” He leaned back against the wall beside me. I wanted to open up to him like he had with me, but I was concerned with the way Tucker had looked at me when we’d hugged. Suddenly I felt like I needed to close myself off to him.

“I’m fine.” I shrugged as I stared off across the room.

“How did things go with your dad? That must have been crazy.” He shook his head.

The girl who had been on the back of the bike moments before walked back by us wearing nothing but a crisp white sheet around her body. I couldn’t breathe as I stood up straighter trying to see through the bodies that milled around Tucker. She slipped between them, and I stood up on my toes to figure out what was happening.

“Crazy,” I repeated quietly.

“Tuck and I have our problems, but you know he loves you, right?”

That caught me off guard enough to cause me to look at him, momentarily forgetting my worry.

“I know that.” I wasn’t sure why he had said it, and suddenly it terrified me.

“I don’t know why he insisted on you being here for this. It’s only going to torture you.” Eric shook his head as he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets.

“You don’t want me here?” I could handle Donna not wanting me around, but I thought Eric and I had become friends.

He shook his head and took a deep breath.

“You really want to watch some chick putting her hands all over the guy you love? He knows it’s going to hurt you.”

“He didn’t look very happy about it,” I mumbled as I tried to see what was happening, but the extras and set helpers were still blocking my view.

Eric chuckled as he ran his hand over his jaw.

“What? You said yourself he insisted I come. That doesn’t sound like a guy excited about having some other woman’s hands on him.”

Donna stepped to the side, and I had a perfect view of Tucker’s face. The nearly naked model was straddling his lap. I gasped as Eric leaned in next to my ear to whisper.

“That’s because he shot this scene yesterday. He never intended for you to see it. Donna insisted they reshoot it.”

I glanced up at him, his face an inch from mine as his eyes locked onto mine.

“He didn’t know.” Eric’s words rang loudly in my ears.

Pain ripped through my chest like someone had actually stabbed me and twisted the knife. My hand flew up to my heart and landed on the locket Tucker had given me as tears filled my eyes.

The director shouted out a command, but all I could hear was the harsh rapid pounding of my heart in my ears.

I looked up at Tucker as the music began to play. The sheet sagged low on the woman’s back, revealing bare skin. Tucker gripped the handle of the bike with one hand, his other roaming over her flesh as he sang into her ear.

My heart is full and my door’s always open

You can come anytime you want

I felt my knees grow weak. It was a song he had often sung to me, and my knees began to give out from under me.

I wasn’t cut out for this. And suddenly I felt that all-too-familiar feeling, that heavy urgent need to flee. Eric slipped his arm around my waist and held me up against his side, his fingers lightly rubbing over my hip.

“Don’t run. These girls can smell fear like sharks. If you leave, they will see it as an invitation to go in for the kill.”

“I don’t think I can watch this.”

“It’s all a show. I know he thinks I hate him, and sometimes I do.” He chuckled softly. “But I consider you a friend. Tucker wouldn’t hurt you.”

I sighed, leaning over to give Eric a hug as Tucker glanced at us. I gave him a weak smile, but he didn’t return it.

“I think he regrets me being here now.”

“He just doesn’t want you to be upset. He didn’t expect this today. It was supposed to be band shots. I told Donna to call him to let him know, and she said she would.” Our eyes met, and we both let out a laugh.

“Well, I think I know why that call was never made.”

I was staring at Eric, letting my jealousy start to melt away when I was yanked away harshly, tripping over my own feet and falling back on the hard concrete floor. It took a moment for me to realize what had happened. Tucker’s fist swung at Eric as he wrapped his arms around Tucker’s waist, pulling him down to the ground. I felt myself scream, the sound coming out ear-piercingly loud.

“Why the fuck are you touching my girl?” Tucker yelled as he gained the upper hand and swung at Eric.

“Shit man, we’re friends!” Eric yelled back as he shoved against Tucker’s chest.

“She is nothing to you.” Another blow from Tucker hit Eric in the mouth, causing his head to bounce off the concrete floor with a loud thud. The twins grabbed Tucker by his arms, yanking him hard off Eric who pushed to his feet and charged Tucker. I screamed again, and he stopped dead in his tracks. Both the men’s chests were heaving as they struggled to regain composure.

“I want you out,” Tucker yelled.

“I was just leaving.” Eric spit blood from his mouth at Tucker’s feet as he shoved by him and walked past me without looking at me.

“Out of the band!” Tucker’s shout froze Eric in his tracks. He spun around, glaring back at my boyfriend as I sat frozen between them. The room was completely silent apart from the sound of Tucker’s rough breathing.

“You don’t mean that,” Eric said, no longer shouting, and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

“I do.”

Eric glanced down at me, and I knew he was ready to lose it. He had nowhere else to go, and no matter how he had acted in the past, this band was his family. His eyes widened as he realized I had been knocked down during the scuffle, and his gaze turned murderous.

Tucker watched and laughed sardonically as he pulled out of Chris’s and Terry’s grip, equally pissed off, and I couldn’t fathom why.

“She can go with you.” He turned and stalked off to the dressing-room door, slamming it, causing the sound to echo throughout the cavernous space. I looked at all of the people who stood around me, sadness in some eyes and satisfaction in others. Tears blurred my vision, and I felt the heavy sobs begging to rip from my chest.

Eric sank down next to me.

“Are you hurt?” he asked, and I shook my head no, but it was a lie. Physically I was fine, but my heart had been stomped and ripped from my chest. I felt like I was dying, and I wished someone would put me out of my misery. He held out his hand to me, softness in his eyes. “Come on.”

I slipped my hand in his, letting him pull me from the ground as I groaned. My tailbone throbbed, and I knew my lower back would be bruised. Eric led me toward the exit.

“Don’t look back,” he whispered, and I nodded, not having any intention of looking at any of those people. I fought the urge to run, but I wasn’t even sure I could with the pain in my back.

As we stepped out into the warm night air, the first sob ripped through me. Eric squeezed my hand tighter and continued to pull me away from the building.

“Not here.”

I let him guide me as my mind swirled. Tucker was mad at me? I was the one watching my boyfriend practically have sex on top of a motorcycle. Eric had only tried to comfort me and reassure me that Tucker loved me.

“I don’t know what just happened.”

“I do. I’m sorry, Cass. This is my fault. I never should have even gone over there. . . .”

“No.” I stopped, pulling my hand free from his. “I can talk to whomever I want. He should trust me.”

“It’s not you he doesn’t trust.” Eric laughed sadly.

“You never did anything to him. You don’t deserve to be treated like an enemy.”

Eric scratched the back of his head as he stared down at his shoes.

“I deserve it.” Sadness marred his voice.

I rolled my eyes, hating that he was slipping back into his anger and depression.

“No, you don’t. So you’re kind of an asshole sometimes. What he just did was no better than anything you’ve done.”

Eric laughed and shook his head as his eyes met mine.

“Of course you wouldn’t know.”

“Know what?”

“Tucker and I have a complicated past.”

“Define ‘complicated,’ because my past is as complicated as they come.”

“Not here.” He glanced around the parking lot before spotting something off in the distance. “Come on.” He grabbed my hand again and pulled me across the expansive maze of parking lots.

My legs were quaking, and my back was throbbing as we reached a little dive bar called Corner Pocket. I followed Eric inside as my mind raced, wondering what he was going to tell me. He wasn’t the type to open up, so I knew whatever it was, it was a big step for him.

He didn’t say anything as he scanned the tiny bar. He walked up to the counter and ordered us two shots of Jack Daniel’s and a Coke for me. I waited as the bartender filled his order, and I looked around at the smattering of patrons. I noticed a jukebox off in the corner on the other side of the bar and rounded it to see what kind of music they had. I wanted to listen to something sad, something that reflected the way I felt inside. Hollow, hurting.

Suddenly I felt so lost. I had no idea what was going on with my life anymore. Everything seemed to have fallen into place a few days ago, and just that quickly it had all disappeared out from under me. It was my biggest fear. After my father left when I was younger, I was always afraid of being alone. That was one of the reasons I couldn’t leave Jax. Anything felt better than being alone. And now I was facing that reality once again.

“Here.” I jumped as Eric’s hot breath blew over the back of my neck, startling me. He reached around me holding a shot glass.

I took it and let the liquid burn fire down my throat. He handed me the soda with a smirk, and I slurped it down, grateful he had gotten me a chaser. I wiped the back of my hand over my lips as I took in a deep breath.

“You almost drink like a rock star.” He laughed, but his eyes were sad.

“You wanted to talk?” I asked as I looked over the tables.

“You want some music?” He dug in his pockets and pulled out quarters. “I asked the bartender for change.”

“Thanks.” I smiled back, even though happiness was the last emotion I felt. I turned back to the jukebox and picked a few old country songs I remembered from childhood. No one did sadness like country crooners.

We made our way to a small table in the corner. Eric folded his hands together and looked down at his fingers, not saying anything. I didn’t want to pressure him, knowing he probably felt as bad as I did after being kicked out of the band.

“He didn’t mean it,” I said, hoping I didn’t need to elaborate and speak Tucker’s name.

“Yeah, he did.” Eric looked up, his eyes reflecting the pain in mine. The warmth of the alcohol began to warm my body, and I relaxed in my seat.

“I don’t care about me, but you getting hurt is crossing a line.”

“I’m used to it.” I knew how bad that sounded, and I wished I could take it back.

“I know he didn’t mean to knock you down.” His jaw clenched. “But he did, and he deserves to get his ass kicked for it.”

“Please, no more fighting.” I knew Tucker hadn’t meant for me to fall—that wasn’t what upset me. Eric nodded, understanding my need to let it settle.

“When I was in high school, I loved life.” He smirked at the memory. He held up two fingers and the bartender nodded at him. “I need another drink for this.”

“Did you all go to high school together?” I asked as the bartender set two shot glasses full of amber liquid in front of us.

“No.” He took his shot and drank it back, not even grimacing at its harsh taste. I did the same, but my lips puckered, and I took another drink from my soda.

“I went to Radley High, home of the Rockets. I was on the football team and everything.”

“I can’t picture that.”

He laughed.

“A lot has changed since then.”

I nodded, waiting for him to continue.

“I had the perfect life, the perfect girlfriend. She was . . .” He didn’t finish his thought.

“What happened?”

“She moved. Broke my heart. First love is a bitch, but we stayed in contact. I loved her. I couldn’t let her go. She was my whole world.”

“That must have been hard.”

“I would have done anything for her.” He smiled, his eyes glazing over as he held up his fingers again to the bartender. “We only lived twenty minutes away from each other, but when you aren’t old enough to drive, it might as well be a million miles. Living in different school districts made it worse. We tried to see each other on the weekends whenever we could. Eventually our parents got sick of driving us. My mom tried to tell me it was a good thing. I could focus on my future.” He shook his head and leaned on the table. “She was my fucking future.” The bartender sat down our drinks, and Eric took his like it was water.

I swallowed hard, preparing myself to down the drink.

“Don’t think about it. Just do it.”

I did, and the shot went easily down now that I was beginning to feel the effects of the others. Unfortunately, being intoxicated only magnified the sadness in my gut. I didn’t want to think about Tucker.

“You drifted apart?”

“Nah, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I called her constantly, I wrote her songs.”

“You had it bad.” We both laughed as the song switched and a new one began to play. Eric listened as the singer began to tell of her own heartbreak.

“When my brother died . . .” His jaw muscles jumped under his skin, and I knew it was hurting him to talk about it. My eyes lingered on his swollen busted lip. Regardless of their issues, I knew Eric saw Tucker and the others as his brothers . . . and he had just lost them as well. “I went crazy. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I only wanted her. I stole my mother’s car. I had my permit at the time, even though I was seventeen. That’s another story.”

“I still don’t have my license,” I confessed, and Eric let out a guttural laugh. I smiled, letting the alcohol sway my mood.

“Why the hell not?”

“I never had a car.” I shrugged. “Tucker doesn’t really have time to teach me. Not that I could drive that stupid bike.”

He laughed, but I stared down at my soda, hoping I could keep from crying.

“I can teach you,” he said, his tone level and serious.

“Thanks . . . but you don’t have a car either.”

“Technicality. You need to learn to drive. You need to be independent.”

“Huh . . . I never really thought about it. So when did you get your license?”

He frowned and adjusted in his seat.

“I didn’t.”

It was my turn to laugh.

“Keep it down. You’re going to ruin my street cred.” He rolled his eyes. I signaled to the bartender, and Eric cocked his eyebrow at me.

“You’re not the only one who wants to numb the pain.” I shrugged and took a sip of my soda.

“Right.” He paused, and I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. “That night”—he swallowed hard as he struggled not to let the emotions of that time take over—“I stole my mom’s car. Shit, that sounds bad. I drove to my girlfriend’s house and she wasn’t home. That was normal. Her mother seemed shocked to see me, though. It was odd. I always loved her mother, and we were close when they lived down the road from me. That day, something was different.” He shook his head. “It was probably all in my head—I was pretty fucked up about what had happened. So I tried her cell phone and after three tries, she finally answered. She told me she was doing her homework while her mom cooked dinner.”

“Oh, no,” I said as I realized she had lied to him on the worst day of his life. I closed my eyes as if preparing for a physical blow. I didn’t want to see his heart break in his eyes as he told the rest of the story. His warm hand slid over mine, and I opened my eyes.

“It’s fine. It was a long time ago.” He sat back, his hand sliding off mine. We picked up our shots that had been dropped off while he was talking.

“To friends.” He held out his shot glass, and I bumped mine against his, causing some of the alcohol to splash over our fingers. We drank it down as a hard-rock song came on the jukebox. We both glanced over in that direction as another patron rounded the bar and took a seat on his stool.

“Enough of that sappy shit. I drink to forget, not remember.”

Eric and I just looked at each other and laughed. I took a drink of my soda and looked up at Eric, waiting for him to continue.

He gripped the back of his neck in his hand as he rolled his head from side to side. His eye was purpling and I could only imagine the lump that was forming from his head slamming the floor. As much as I loved Tucker, in that moment all I saw was Jax, and it terrified me.

“You okay?”

“One of my headaches. It’s no big deal.”

“Why do you get them?”

“That’s another story. We still haven’t finished this one. So, as I sat outside of her house in my mother’s old station wagon, knowing damn well she wasn’t inside, my sadness was replaced with anger. I drove around town checking out all the local hangouts. I knew she had mentioned her friend getting a brand-new Jetta, so I kept an eye out. I saw a candy-apple red Jetta parked outside of Tommy’s Pizza. I walked up to the front of the building and I wasn’t even mad that she had lied. Shit, I lied sometimes, too. We were kids, but I really needed her.” He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. “As I walked in front of the large window in the front of the building I saw her inside with some guy kissing his way down her neck.”

“I’m so sorry.” My hand flew over my mouth.

“Not as sorry as she was. I grabbed one of those stupid decorative bricks from the little garden under the window and threw it as hard as I could. As soon as it left my fingers I knew I had fucked up. I cried as I drove out of there as fast as possible, like I could somehow turn back time. I wasn’t that great of a driver, though, and I didn’t see a stop sign. I wrecked . . . hard. I didn’t hit anyone else, luckily, but I had a pretty severe concussion and spent a few weeks in the hospital.” He looked up at the ceiling before looking back at me. “I lost my brother, I lost my girl, I couldn’t get my license. I got put on probation for the window and driving without a license, Coach kicked me off the team. My parents were pissed. They didn’t know how to deal with my brother’s death, and I became the perfect scapegoat, the ideal punching bag. The rest is rock-and-roll history.”

“Geez. That’s why you have the headaches?”

“No. Like I said, another story.”

I shook my head as I sat back in my seat. “But, what does that have to do with Tucker?”

“I gave up on football, of course, after I was kicked off the team. I began to play my drums more and more. It was a good release for anger, and I wasn’t allowed to leave my house. My parents couldn’t wait for me to turn eighteen. They wanted me out of the fucking house so bad.” He signaled the bartender, and my stomach churned.

“I can’t.”

“Two beers,” he called out and ran his hand over his head. “So, long story just a little longer.” He smirked. “I auditioned for Damaged. It was a cool group of guys, and I felt like I finally belonged somewhere, ya know?”

I did know. The band had become my family, and now they had been taken away from me just as they had from him. We fell silent for a moment.

“It was amazing to have people who understood you. I loved it. I gave everything to the band. But one day, she walked back into my life.”

I was sitting on the edge of my chair now, completely lost in his sad story and wondering how it had anything to do with Tucker.

“We played a gig at this stupid little dive bar. Kind of like this place.” The bartender raised an eyebrow as he sat down our bottles and Eric chuckled. “When she walked in, I couldn’t play. I couldn’t move. I hadn’t stopped loving her. I mean, I hated her, but my heart just wouldn’t let go. When our set ended I was dying. It felt like my heart hadn’t beat since I last saw her that day when she caused it to stop. I waited for the other guys to get off the stage, and as I went to walk down the steps, I watched Tucker wrap his arms around Cadence and kiss her.”

I felt the color drain from my face as I heard her name. I knew Cadence all too well. She had tried her best to break Tucker and me up the night I had found out I was pregnant.

“Tucker stole your girlfriend?”

Eric took a long swig of his beer and set the bottle on the table, spinning it in his fingers.

“Nope. He didn’t know. She had lied to him just as she lied to me. I had no idea it was him in that pizza shop until he told me how long they had been together. She never mentioned it. She acted like we didn’t know each other. That hurt more than the cheating, I think.”

I took a drink from my beer, hoping I could make myself numb enough not to care about Tucker with someone else. My memory flashed to him on the bike with that bitch straddling his lap.

“For the most part I was able to pretend it wasn’t killing me inside, but then one day . . .” He shook his head and closed his eyes. I was worried about his headaches, but I didn’t want to interrupt him. “She decided to come on tour with us. It was so hard watching them together and knowing she was sleeping so close by . . . with him. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but it still ripped me apart. He had been like a brother to me.”

I reached across the table and slid my hand over his, trying to give him the same comfort as he had given me. His fingers wrapped around mine and he stared down at them and smiled.

“It feels good to be able to talk about this.” His fingers unwrapped from mine, and I pulled my hand back, placing it on my bottle.

“Is that why you fight him so much?”

He scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to shake the darker mood that had settled over him.

“No. Cadence had been using drugs here and there. I caught her snorting something one night, and I tried to tell Tucker about it. He flipped out on me, saying I was jealous of him, and he saw the way I looked at his girl. His girl. He didn’t want to believe she was doing all this crazy shit. One day my pills went missing and I flipped out. My head was killing me. I tried to tell him it was her, but he didn’t believe me. Not until one day when we found her in a bathroom after a show. She was lying in a heap on the floor, covered in sweat. I thought she was dead.”

“You blame Tucker for what she did?”

“I blame her for her actions . . . but she was a junkie and needed help. He refused to see it. He blamed me, saying I gave her the pills and I was trying to screw up what he had.”

“That doesn’t sound like Tucker,” I said in barely a whisper as I took another drink.

“He got the girl and he let her nearly die. After she finally got the help she needed, he tossed her aside.”

“And you wouldn’t have? She was toxic.” I remembered everything that Tucker had told me about her, trying to find a way to defend him, explain his heartlessness.

“I would have walked through hell and back for her.”

“You can only take so much before you get burned.”

Eric’s eyes met mine as he thought over what I said.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” He took a drink. “I think he is still trying to make it up to himself.”

“How so?”

“He didn’t let you die.”

Suddenly I wondered if Tucker had saved me because he thought it would make up for what happened in the past.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Cass. I just meant he wouldn’t let someone he cared about get hurt again.”

I nodded, but the tears were forming in my eyes and I just wanted to break down.

“Does he know now that you had dated her?”

“Yeah. We got in a fight once and I let it slip. It didn’t make things any better between us.”

“Obviously,” I joked as I looked over his fat lip and bruised eye. He laughed. “I need to use the bathroom.”

Eric’s eyes scanned the room and he pointed to the back left corner with the neck of his bottle. I pushed from the table and walked on wobbly legs to the door. I hadn’t realized how much I had drunk until I stood. The bathroom was a single stall, and I was grateful for a little privacy. I splashed some cold water on my face. This was a lot to absorb. And suddenly, I questioned Tucker’s motives for wanting to help me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like a charity case. It made me sick.

I left the bathroom and pulled a one-dollar bill from my back pocket. Eric was staring down at his bottle, lost in memories.

“Can I get change?” I asked the bartender. He took the bill and gave me my quarters. I scanned over the machine, trying to find something to cheer up Eric before he noticed I was out of the bathroom. I flipped through the pages of CDs, reading over the titles carefully. Finally, I found a song I thought might make him smile. I made my way back to my seat hoping to lighten the mood.

As House of the Rising Sun began to play, Eric looked up at me and grinned.

“A girl after my own heart.” He put his hand on his chest and fell against the back of his chair.

“Did you drink more while I was gone?”

He held up his fingers to let me know he had a little more.

“I think you need to be cut off.”

He gave me a frightened looked and I laughed, loudly.

“Not Bobbit style. You need to slow down on the alcohol.”

“You might be right.” He picked up his bottle and drained the rest of the contents. “But we don’t have anywhere else to be.”

My heart sank again. I didn’t have anywhere to go, and all of my things were on the bus except for my bag from my trip. It was still on Tucker’s motorcycle and I wasn’t ready to face him yet. I was completely lost. I thought about calling my dad, but he had enough mouths to feed, and not nearly enough food to go around.

“I suppose you’re right.” I grabbed my bottle and drank the rest of the warming bubbly liquid.

“Tell me about the headaches.”

Eric sighed as he recalled the beating from his father two months after the death of his brother.

We sat for several more hours, drinking and reliving our pasts until we both were having trouble walking on our own. We left the bar and stumbled across the expansive parking lot, but everyone was long gone, including Tucker’s bike. Sadness consumed me again as I stared at the empty spot where it had been.

“We need a cab,” Eric slurred as he looked around.

“I need to call Tucker.” I held up the phone for Eric to see.

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

“What else are we going to do? I don’t have a choice.”

He nodded, rubbing the side of his head.

“You need your medicine, and we can’t just sleep out here in a parking lot.”

I pulled out my phone, expecting a screen filled with missed calls and texts from Tucker. My heart sank when I was greeted by a blank screen.

“Let me call Donna.” Eric grabbed his phone and dialed her number before I could argue. I hated Donna. I’d rather sleep with wild dogs than ask her for help, but Eric couldn’t go on suffering.

“Where are you?” he asked. Still massaging his head, his eyes closed as he listened. I chewed nervously on my lip, wishing I could make this whole day disappear.

Eric’s gaze met mine. I furrowed my brow, wishing I could hear the conversation.

“Why wait for things to cool down? It will only get worse when I come back. This shit needs to be settled.”

He fell silent again, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“You know this is bullshit.” His entire tone changed, and I knew he was no longer talking to Donna. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked around the parking lot trying not to focus on the bitter fight I had caused. “Fine.”

He hung up the phone and began pacing.

“What did he say?”

“He will be here to pick you up in a few minutes.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

I took a step toward him and he turned around, trying to hide the sadness that was written all over his face.

“He can’t just leave you out here.”

“Cass, just go with him and fix this for yourself. I’ll be fine. He needs you.”

“I think I need him more than he needs me.”

Eric turned back around, shaking his head as we heard the distant growl of Tucker’s bike.

“You guys have been through a lot and that can either make you closer or rip you apart. You have to decide which way you want to go and stick with it.”

“That was deep.” I laughed, trying to lighten the situation.

“That’s what she said.” He winked as he smiled. His expression faded as Tucker pulled up beside us. He grabbed the spare helmet from the back of his bike and held it out to me. I looked from him to Eric, hating that he was being left behind. He had been through enough of that in his life.

I walked over to Tucker, my legs shaking from nervousness and inebriation.

“I’m not going to leave him out here.” I watched Tucker’s expression change to anger, and I held up a hand to stop him before he said something he would regret. I took another step closer and leaned in, kissing him softly on the lips. “I wouldn’t ever cheat on you, Tucker, and Eric would never hurt you like that. He is my friend, and he is yours, too. We are supposed to be a family. Family doesn’t do this.”

“You’re drunk,” was all he said. Tucker looked from Eric to me several times before he mumbled a curse word and pulled out his phone. He called Donna and told her to come pick up Eric. We all fell silent after he ended the call.

“Just go. I’ll be fine.” Eric waved his hand at us.

“She’ll be here any minute,” Tucker replied, not looking at him.

I nodded reluctantly and slid my leg over the back of Tucker’s bike. I took the helmet from his hand and secured it on my head. As we circled past Eric I gave him a smile before we took off fast across the deserted parking lot. I held on to Tucker, thankful I could wrap my arms around him again. I was hurt and confused, but Eric’s words had struck a chord. We needed to make a choice. We needed to decide if we would let our past pull us apart or help hold us together.

The ride back to the bus went entirely too fast. I didn’t want to let go of Tucker, not knowing if things were going to be okay between us. We had a lot to discuss. As the bus came into view I suddenly felt a new wave of emotion. Embarrassment. Luckily, the alcohol made me feel brave enough to pull myself from Tucker. I took off my helmet as he got off the bike, shaking out my hair. Tucker stood beside me not saying a word. He took my helmet from me, looking it over before tossing it on the back of his bike.

“We need to talk.” I wanted to clear the air and make all of this go away. I wanted to be mad at him and know that just because I was upset, he wasn’t going to leave me. He nodded, rubbing his hand over his hair as he sighed. It might be too late.

He grabbed my hand and began walking by the bus. I trailed behind him, trying to figure out how we would fix this.

“Thank you for helping Eric.”

He turned his head to look at me, his eyes narrowed.

“I only helped him so you would get on the bike. I could care less where he goes.”

I stopped, pulling Tucker to a halt.

“Why are you acting like this? Eric is your friend.”

“You don’t know the whole story.”

“I know more than you think.”

“You know his side.”

“That’s because you don’t tell me anything! Tucker, you know every pathetic detail of my life, and I barely know anything about your past.”

“Because it’s the past and that’s where it should stay.”

I pulled my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest.

“Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

“What does that mean?”

The last thing I wanted to discuss was his ex-girlfriend, but I needed to know I wouldn’t be kicked aside the first time I screwed up somehow.

“What happened back there was an innocent hug. Nothing more than that. You need to trust me, and you need to trust your friends.”

“Eric is far from innocent.” He laughed humorlessly.

“What about you?”

“What about me?” he shot back.

“That girl. She was all over you, Tucker, and I didn’t see you pushing her away.”

“It was for work,” he yelled. I glanced behind us, hoping no one from the bus could hear us arguing.

“Why didn’t you want me to be there for that then if it was so innocent?” My anger was matching his.

“Because I didn’t want it to hurt you. It killed me to see the look in your eyes when you saw us on that fucking bike, sweetheart.”

“You got over that pretty quickly.”

“I snapped. Eric and I have a very rough history. I didn’t mean for you to get in the middle of it.”

“I noticed that when I got knocked out of the way.” I glared at him. His expression softened, and I could see his eyes tear over.

“I will never forgive myself . . .” His words cut as he struggled to keep his composure. “I didn’t tell you to leave because I was angry at you. I wanted you to leave because I had fucked up. I don’t deserve you. Not after tonight.”

“What happened in there was an accident. Trust me, I know the difference.” I took a step toward him and let my arms fall to my sides. He looked up at me, his expression pained.

“It doesn’t matter.” He shook his head as a tear slid down his cheek. I reached out to wipe it away, but he pulled back, not letting me touch him. “You don’t deserve any of this.” He kicked at the loose gravel under our feet.

A pair of headlights flashed across us, and we both turned to see Donna pull up beside the bus. Tucker shoved his hands into his jean pockets.

“What are you saying? You are giving up on us just because it got hard? It can’t always be perfect, Tucker.”

“It won’t ever be perfect, Cass. I’m so afraid someone else is going to hurt you that I end up hurting you myself. The way you looked at me after I fought with Eric . . .”

“If you would just talk to him.” I sighed, tossing my hands in the air.

“He doesn’t have a choice,” Eric called out from behind me, startling me with his close proximity. I spun around to see him just a few feet from us, his eyes locked on Tucker.

“I have nothing to say to you, and this is between me and Cass.”

“Seemed like it had something to do with me at the studio.” Eric walked up beside me.

“You mean when you were whispering in my girl’s ear, pulling her snug against your body?”

“He was telling me not to be upset. He told me to trust you, Tucker.” I wanted to fix things in my relationship, but first Eric and Tucker needed to mend their relationship. I hated seeing them hurt each other. Tucker looked over at Eric, not sure he believed me. Eric nodded, raising an eyebrow over his bruised eye.

“That doesn’t make sense. He has been against me from day one.”

“You’re my brother, Tucker. Cadence was a life lesson. This band has been the only family I have, and Cass is a part of that now.”

“You expect me to believe that after what happened?”

“What happened?” Eric threw his arms out at his sides. “I was cheated on by my girlfriend and later I found out it was with someone I had come to consider one of my best friends. I know you had no clue, Tuck, but it didn’t hurt any less.”

“You gave her pills and she nearly overdosed!” Tucker was in Eric’s face, but he stood his ground. Eric sighed, trying to keep himself calm.

“I loved her. I wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her. Just like I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. And I can’t let you hurt Cass.”

Tucker relaxed, his shoulders sagging, and I knew he finally believed Eric. I reached out slowly and looped my fingers in Tucker’s. He looked up at me, his blue eyes red with sadness.

“I know how hard it is to trust people, Tucker. Everyone I ever cared about hurt me in one way or another. I know it is hard for you, too, but we won’t ever make it if we don’t try.”

He nodded, pulling me roughly into his arms. He squeezed me so tightly I could barely breathe, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him as his body shook softy and we both cried. Taking such a leap of faith wasn’t easy for either of us.

I don’t know how long we stood there, holding each other, but when we finally pulled away, Eric was gone.

“You should talk to him . . . alone,” I said, taking a few steps back. Tucker nodded and went toward the bus to find Eric. I let out a sigh and looked up to the millions of stars dotting the sky above me. A few minutes later I heard heavy footsteps on the gravel behind me, and I spun around, not sure who was lurking in the dark.

“You okay?” Sarah asked. She was wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt, her makeup scrubbed off her face and her hair thrown back into a loose ponytail. You would never have guessed her alter ego was a powerful rock chick.

“I think so.” I nodded. “You heard all that?”

“Bits and pieces. It was kind of hard to miss.”

I looked back up at the sky and Sarah did the same.

“You’re lucky.”

“How so?” I asked, not taking my eyes off the sky.

“He wouldn’t have been so angry if he wasn’t so deeply in love you. He cares and it scares the shit out of him. He would give you up if it was what was best for you.”

“I can’t imagine how it would be better for me to be without him.”

“That’s because you love him just as much.” I could see the smile on her face in my peripheral vision. “There is a big difference between loving someone and being in love with him, you know.”

“What’s that?”

“When you love someone you tell them, but when you’re in love with someone you show them.”

“What part of that fight was us showing each other our love?” I looked over at her and she looked at me.

“For starters, he and Eric have been on a downward spiral since I met them. They were dead set on letting it end in a bloody mess, but they didn’t. That was because he loves you.”

She motioned across the parking lot to Tucker and Eric giving each other a hug as they put their past behind them. “We all have shit that scares us. For you it’s getting hurt by someone you love. Tucker is afraid to trust. I’m scared to be alone. We all have our demons, but if we can get our demons to play nice with someone else’s, well, that makes life worth living.”