White Trash Damaged

3

AS WE MUNCHED on our appetizers, Tucker’s eyes lit up as he filled me in on what had been going on with the band. A lot had changed for them since they landed the music awards gig, and they were playing bigger venues and getting invited to join fairly established bands in concert. But the most exciting news, which he could hardly deliver without beaming, was that Damaged was going to be making their debut music video for Loved.

“That’s surreal.” I was incredibly proud of all that Damaged had accomplished in only a few months’ time.

“It’s a really big honor to have Jeff Jones direct. He’s done videos for all of my favorite bands. We only have a couple of months to come up with the concept and how we want the band portrayed.” Tucker was beaming, and his excitement was contagious.

“You’re going to do great.” I smiled, loving the way his eyes lit up as he spoke.

“You’ll be right by my side.” He winked, and the realization of how much everything was about to change hit me. A few months ago I was worried where my next meal would be coming from; now I had to find something to wear on a music video shoot.

We finished our food and made our way out to the motorcycle so we could meet up with the rest of the band. I could feel my nerves tying knots in my stomach as we approached the arena. I hoped the rest of Damaged didn’t harbor any bad feelings for me, but I wouldn’t blame them if they did.

As we pulled into the parking lot of the Philips Arena, it finally hit me how different things had really become. The parking lot overflowed with cars, and throngs of people lined the sidewalks . . . all waiting to see Tucker play. We rode around to the back of the oversized building and parked next to Damaged’s tour bus. The bus was dark, and I was thankful I wouldn’t have to come face-to-face with the other members just yet.

Tucker took my hand and led me up onto the bus.

“I just want to change my shirt. It will only take a second.”

I nodded at him and followed up the short set of steps. The bus couldn’t even be called a bus—it was practically a house on wheels. There was a large table with a bench seat that covered three sides. A mini kitchen sat directly across from the table. Next to that was a narrow hallway that appeared to be lined with bunk beds of sorts. I couldn’t see what was past that. It was more than obvious a bunch of young guys with no supervision lived here. My shoes stuck to the floor, and soda bottles overflowed from the tiny trash can by the table. The bus smelled like a mixture of cheap cologne and alcohol.

Tucker released my hand and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’m going to go change.” He walked down the narrow hall and disappeared into a door at the back of the bus.

“Hand me a water,” a voice called from behind one of the curtained beds. I jumped at the sound, not knowing who it was or who they were talking to. He was silent for a minute, and I held my breath, trying not to make a sound. “Please?” He sounded sad, almost in pain. I turned behind me and scanned the kitchen area for a fridge. I located a mini fridge under one of the cabinets. I pulled it open and found a bottle of water. I slid my hand behind the curtain. Warm fingers circled mine as he took the drink.

“Thank you,” he said, still not revealing his identity.

“You’re welcome,” I replied, not wanting to be rude.

“You groupies are good for two things,” he said and laughed to himself. Suddenly, the curtain pushed open and I was face-to-face with a nearly naked man. His hair was cut short, not very rock star. His body was thick but muscular and I couldn’t see any tattoos.

“Excuse me?” I took a step back, suddenly feeling like the space was closing in on me.

“Cass?” He jumped down from the top bunk, filling the little space between us with his large, muscular body that was only covered by a pair of black boxer briefs. “Didn’t think I’d see you again.”

I shook my head as the drummer for Damaged held out his hand for me to shake.

“Eric.”

I took his hand and shook it as Tucker made his way out of the room in the back of the bus. He was wearing a vintage-wash, dark blue T-shirt that read #Damaged and a pair of dark, tattered jeans.

“Hey, E.” Tucker nodded his head toward Eric as he slipped behind me, resting his hands on my hips. “How’s the headache?”

“I’ll live. You coming to practice?” His eyes went from Tucker’s to mine as he ran his hand over his buzzed hair. I hoped he wasn’t worried that I would be responsible for Tucker missing any more practices or gigs.

“Yeah, I’m coming. Throw some clothes on. Let’s go find the twins.”

Tucker guided me toward the steps to leave. I glanced over my shoulder at Eric whose eyes were already on mine, and he had a smirk on his face. He certainly wasn’t shy.

We stepped down off the bus and Tucker spun me to face him, pushing my back against the bus, his body pressed hard against mine.

“I can’t wait to have you in my arms like this every night.” His lips pressed against mine. I let my arms loop around his neck and pulled him closer, not wanting any space between us. Eric stepped down out of the bus and cleared his throat. Tucker pulled back and playfully hit him on the arm, but it was more than apparent that these guys weren’t the best of friends.

“Where are Chris and Terry?” he asked E as his fingers laced in mine and I was being pulled behind them as we made our way to the back entrance of the large building.

“Should be inside. Lizzy is with them.” He shot a look to Tucker who shook his head and smiled. I wanted to ask who Lizzy was, but I knew I would find out soon enough. We slipped past a giant beast of a guard and made our way down a maze of hallways. After a few turns that left me feeling like we should be right back where we started, we found the rest of the band.

The twins sat with guitars in hand as they played a tune that I didn’t recognize. A girl with a mass of dark curly hair sat with her arms laced around one of the twins, her head resting on his shoulder. As Tucker closed the door behind us, everyone’s eyes landed on us.

“Hey, Cass!” the twin with the girl attached to him called out.

“Hey,” I called back with a wave.

“Hey, Terry, groupies aren’t allowed back for practice,” Eric teased from behind me. Terry threw his guitar pick at him, and we all ducked as it flew by.

“Cass, this is Lizzy. Lizzy, Tucker’s girl, Cass,” Terry said to the girl who had resumed her position at Terry’s side.

We both nodded and smiled at each other.

“How was the ride?” Chris asked as he continued to mindlessly strum his guitar.

“It was long. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk right again,” I joked.

“That’s what she said,” the twins called out in unison. The room erupted with laughter. I didn’t quite get the joke.

“Let’s get some work done,” Tucker called out over the laughter. Lizzy reluctantly peeled herself from Terry’s side, and he playfully smacked her on the ass as she pushed off the couch. She turned around to glare at him, and Terry just smiled.

“What? You fucking like it.”

She shook her head in disapproval, but the reddening of her cheeks revealed she liked it more than she let on. Tucker kissed me on the forehead and went to join the others on the couches.

“Come on,” Lizzy said as she looped her arm in mine. “Let’s go check this place out.”

I gave her a small smile and let her drag me away. I needed to give Tucker some time to get ready, and I had to admit, I was curious about Lizzy. She was wearing a plaid shirt tied above her navel and short jean shorts paired with brown worn-out cowboy boots. Not the typical attire for a Damaged concert. I liked her already.

We left the room and made our way into a giant open area lined with tables full of merchandise and some snacks. She grabbed a small bag of chips and held it up to me. I shook my head, and she made a face and sat it back down on the table, looking for something more appetizing.

“So, you’re a local.” She wasn’t asking. I just nodded as we walked the length of the table, around a group of guys who looked like they belonged in a band. Maybe they did, but I didn’t recognize them, not that I knew what any of these people looked like.

“You’re not?” I had no idea where Lizzy came from or how she ended up wrapped in Terry’s arms. I was curious.

“I’m from Ohio. I traveled with some friends to a Damaged concert in Pennsylvania.”

“Oh,” I said and took an apple from her hand that she was holding out for me. Her green eyes glowed against the fluorescent lights of the building.

“I’m not a groupie.” She looked down at her apple, picking at the sticker on it.

“Of course not,” I said, trying to reassure her that I was not judging her. I had been judged enough to know that it doesn’t feel good.

“He says he loves me.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and gave me a big toothy grin.

“I’d like to hear all about it. How you met and all,” I said as we began to walk toward another set of halls.

“I snuck backstage after the concert.”

I stopped walking, and she turned around to look at me.

“Does that happen a lot? People sneaking backstage to see the bands?”

“Well, yeah. You gotta do what you gotta do, right?” She smiled again. I began to walk with her, wishing I hadn’t asked to hear this story. “So, anyway, I didn’t have my mind set on anyone in particular. I was willing to take what I could get.”

I felt like my lungs would explode if my breathing accelerated any more.

“The girls were rough that night. I mean, you would not believe what some girls see as concert attire. I wouldn’t walk around my apartment in those kinds of clothes.” She rolled her eyes, and we turned another corner, making our way down another hallway. We could faintly hear the screaming of the crowd on the other side of the wall.

“I worked my way through security and made it to the after-party.”

“After-party?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but my curiosity was getting the best of me.

“Yeah, there is always an after-party. You will see tonight. It is wild.” She giggled and tossed her hair over her shoulder. “Anyway, I met Terry, and we talked for hours. I mean, he held my hair when I puked. I knew he was a keeper.”

Well, if that wasn’t love, I didn’t know what was. I tried to keep my look of disgust off my face. A loud booming like thunder felt like it was shaking the walls.

“What is that?” I asked, looking up and down the hallway.

“That’s Filth. Aren’t they amazing?” she asked, her eyes twinkling again. I suddenly worried for Terry and how long this girl was planning to stick around. She seemed nice, but hardly the marrying type. For all I knew Terry had said he loved her just to get a little company. It wasn’t my place to pry.

“So . . . how long have you been with Damaged?”

She looked deep in thought as she tried to figure it out.

“Two . . . no . . . three weeks.” She looped her arm in mine again and tossed her apple core into a trash can. I hadn’t even begun to eat mine, but I had no appetite. I tossed mine in behind hers.

We passed through a set of double doors. On the other side stood a giant, burly man blocking the way.

“Hey, Trig. Can we watch?” She was on a first-name basis with the security? She was good. He smiled and stepped aside so we could see the stage from the left-hand side. The music was bone-rattling loud, but the band sounded amazing. The lead singer was a female, and she definitely held her own.

“What’s the story with you and Tuck?” she yelled into my ear. It didn’t get by me that she had referred to him as Tuck, as if they went way back. I wondered how well they actually knew each other.

“It’s complicated,” I yelled back, not taking my eyes off the stage.

“It always is.” She laughed and the crowd roared as the song ended and the band began to play again.

We didn’t talk through the next few songs. Lizzy screamed and called out the name Derek, and I wondered if she knew him personally like she knew Terry. My mind went back to Tucker. The thought made my stomach twist into horrible knots as I tried my best to push the idea out of my head. Tucker had never given me any reason to think he was like that. Still, I left him, not the other way around. During our time apart, he had been free to do whatever . . . or whomever he wanted. Faced with the reality that women like Lizzy had been—and would continue to be—all too willing to throw themselves at him night after night, I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick.

“You all right?” Lizzy leaned in closer to me, engulfing me in her flowery scent.

“I’m fine.”

“You are pale. Let’s get you some water.” She waved the security guard away, and he stepped to the side to let us back through the double doors. As they closed behind us, the muffling of the band helped immensely.

“I think I just need to cool off.” I gave her a weak smile, grateful that she was concerned, that she seemed to be looking out for me. It was a nice feeling, and a sadly unfamiliar one. Maybe I’d been too quick to judge. If Terry liked her, she couldn’t be that bad. We began walking back through the maze of hallways and ended up at the table of snacks.

“How do you know your way around here so well?” I grabbed a bottle of water from the table and drank half of the contents. I felt better instantly.

“I have a really good memory.” She laughed.

“Can I ask you a question?”

She cocked her head to the side, waiting for me to ask.

“How do you tell the twins apart?”

She laughed hard, taking the bottle of water from my hand and finishing it off.

“All right. I’ll tell you my secret, but you can’t tell anyone else. Not even the twins.”

I nodded, agreeing not to tell a soul. She leaned in closer so no one would overhear us.

“Terry has a freckle right below his right ear. Once I noticed, it stood out like a sore thumb.” She laughed. “There are other things, once you get to know them. Terry is sweet and calm, Chris is more of a wild card, always joking and being loud. Chris wears a giant thumb ring on his left hand with this big old gaudy blue stone in it. He calls it his good luck charm.”

I smiled at her as she became more animated as she told me all of the things she learned about the twins. It dawned on me that if she’d been with Damaged for the past few weeks, I was likely the first female she’d probably had the chance to talk to for a while; she hadn’t mentioned any other groupies who had joined the tour. It must be exhausting putting up with these guys day and night. I’d imagined Dorris, the band’s manager and Tucker’s adopted mother, was not any kind of friendly comfort. I suddenly wondered where she was.

“What about the rest of the guys?”

“Umm . . . well, E is very intense. He parties hard but never really looks happy, ya know? He’s a closed book.”

“. . . and Tucker?” I braced myself for her answer.

“You know Tucker.” She laughed and playfully nudged me.

“Yeah,” I replied shyly.

Lizzy pushed open the door to our left and we were back where we started. The guys all looked up from their places. They were no longer playing and looked to be in the middle of a heated discussion. The silence was worse than standing next to the stage as Filth played. Tucker stood and came to my side, kissing me on the cheek.

“Having fun?” he asked with a smile.

“Awesome!” I smiled.

“We had a great time. Lots of girl talk,” Lizzy chimed in as she bounced her way over to Terry and sat down on his lap.

“Yes, girl talk,” I agreed, and gave him a small playful smile.

The door opened and an older man stuck his head in.

“You’re on in five, guys.” He nodded to the band and closed the door behind him.

Tucker sighed and motioned for the other members.

“Let’s go kick some ass.” The others stood and made their way to the door. Tucker gave me a kiss on the lips, lingering for a moment.

“I’ve missed you.” His forehead fell against mine, and for a second we were the only ones on the planet.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

Eric pushed by us angrily, and I fell into Tucker who grabbed me in his arms.

“Fuck and get it over with so we can go play this gig.” He left the room before either of us could process the words.

“What is his problem?” I pulled back and searched Tucker’s eyes.

“He’s having a bad day.” Tucker winked and kissed me one last time before making his way out of the door.

“Take care of my girl, Lizzy,” he called over his shoulder as they made their way down the hall.

Lizzy came to my side, slinging her arm over my shoulder as we watched the guys turn and disappear down another hall.

“What’s up with Eric?”

“Like I said, he is intense.” She laughed and shook her head. “He and Tucker get under each other’s skin a lot. I don’t know what it is. Almost like brothers, ya know?”

I nodded. I didn’t know what sibling rivalry was like personally, but I got the idea.

“Come on. Let’s go watch the guys perform.” She tugged, and I followed, eager to see Tucker sing again.

We made our way back down the labyrinth of hallways until we were stage left. The guys stood off to the side, deep in discussion, so we hung back and waited for them to be called to the stage. The twins headed onstage first and the crowd screamed in excitement as they strummed a few notes on their guitars. Next Eric made his way onstage. Losing his shirt in the process and looking like he was headed to a fight. He took his seat behind the drums and slowly began to play a beat, complementing the guitars. Tucker began to sing before he even made his way up the steps. The crowd went insane. I had to cover my ears to keep from going deaf.

I didn’t recognize the song, but I did recognize the sadness in Tucker’s voice. I clutched the heart necklace he had given to me and squeezed it in my palm, wishing I could run onstage and throw my arms around him. He placed the mic in the stand as he sang about having to say good-bye. His eyes glanced my way as I stood helplessly offstage, forced to listen to him croon about pain that I had caused. Lizzy put her arm around me as she swayed to the music, causing me to sway with her.

I struggled to keep my tears at bay, smiling so he wouldn’t see my sadness, but I felt his. We hadn’t spoken much about me leaving, about our time apart—it was too hard. But I knew there was still so much left unsaid, so much hurt that time hadn’t yet healed. And suddenly it was all hitting me through his soft yet powerful melody. Soon the song ended and faded into the next, an angrier piece about a man scorned. It was like a secret invitation into Tucker’s private thoughts, and it was terrifying. I had no idea the pain I had caused him. I was too wrapped up in my own hurt.

“Great song, right?” Lizzy was singing along and bouncing up and down to the beat.

Tucker didn’t glance my way, and I was happy that I wouldn’t have to see the look in his eyes at that moment. I did notice Eric looking in our direction and wondered what was going on with him and Tucker. I hoped again that I wasn’t the cause of any turmoil between the members of the band . . . but I couldn’t help but sense that I was. Clearly things between Tucker and me had fueled quite a bit of their recent set list.

Tucker’s voice became a distant humming as I let myself sink inside my own thoughts. I needed to block out thoughts like that to keep from running again. I had come all this way and refused to leave him again. I just hoped I was strong enough to keep that promise.

But if the band didn’t want me around, how long could I stay, causing tension between them? I couldn’t wait for the guys to finish their set so I could have Tucker by my side, but the end of the concert also meant the beginning of the after-party. I could only hope that the images playing through my mind were gross exaggerations: women running around naked, begging to sleep with whomever would take them; drugs passed freely among bandmates and groupies. For the first time in weeks, I missed the trailer park. The predictability. Nothing changed from day to day. I knew what life had in store for me and never had to wonder what tomorrow would bring. Not that it was ever good. But at least I knew.

I glanced over at Lizzy who was consumed by the music, singing along. I wanted to be carefree, enjoy myself without having to wonder what curveball would be thrown my way next. But at that moment Tucker’s eyes found mine. I smiled, and he smirked back at me with a half grin that put me at ease.

“He’s got it bad,” Lizzy yelled into my ear, causing my grin to spread from ear to ear.

I pushed the negative thoughts from my mind and decided to embrace the moment. I shook my hips as we listened to a few more songs. The set ended and Tucker made his way down the steps, wrapping his hands around my waist and lifting me from the ground to kiss me.

“Do you know how hard it is to be on that stage while you’re over here shaking your ass like that?” He smiled as he spun me in a circle and placed me back on the ground.

“You signing, man?” Chris asked as the band gathered beside us.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Tucker replied, his eyes glued to mine. “Wait for me,” he whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. And I meant it.

Lizzy wrapped her fingers around my arm at the elbow and pulled me back from Tucker’s embrace.

“There will be plenty of time for this at the after-party.” She laughed, but the look from Tucker made her stop short.

I suddenly wished she had never told me about the parties. Maybe I wasn’t invited. Maybe Tucker didn’t want me hindering his chances with the adoring fans. I shook the thought from my mind. Tucker wasn’t Jax, and he had never given me a reason not to trust him. We were together now. He was my future. . . . I needed to stop letting the baggage I still carried from my past influence my expectations of Tuck.

“Come on, man.” Terry was trying to get the band to follow him so they could greet the fans. Tucker kissed my temple and backed up a few steps before turning to follow, running his hand through his hair.

“What was that about?” I turned to Lizzy who was digging through her pockets and pulling out a pack of cigarettes. I pulled in a deep breath at the sight of them. I hadn’t thought twice about smoking since I had quit, but seeing them made me crave them all over again.

Lizzy shrugged as she pulled a cigarette from the pack.

“These artist types are so moody.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Want one?” She held out the pack to me and I waved them away, but my nerves were killing me.

“Sure, just one won’t hurt.” I pulled one from the pack and nodded in thanks as she slid them into the back pocket of her jean shorts.

“Come on.” She cocked her head toward an emergency exit door.

“We will be back in five. Don’t forget about us,” she called to the security guard who was still blocking the door to the hallways. He nodded in our direction.

There was a breeze, but the air was warm, and after being in that giant stadium packed tight with bodies, it felt good. Lizzy dug a lighter out of her front pocket, struggling with the tightness of her clothing. She flicked the lighter and held it out for me. I leaned in, cigarette in mouth, and drew in a long, deep breath. She lit hers and leaned back against the door. Smoke clouded around us as we stared off at the sea of cars.

“So, how did you and Tucker meet?”

I glanced over at Lizzy who was flicking her ashes and tugging at the knot in the front of her shirt.

“He came to a diner I used to work at.” It felt a million years in the past but also like I would wake up and be in that shitty trailer. She nodded and didn’t say anything. I think she was waiting for me to elaborate, but I didn’t even know how to continue that story. I was actually surprised she didn’t know it. Maybe Tucker didn’t want to think about me while I was gone.

“You in love?” She glanced over at me, judging my reaction to her question.

“Yeah.” I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t need to. No matter how torn I was about wanting to stay away from Tucker, I knew without a doubt that it was because I loved him.

She smiled and flicked at her cigarette again.

“You love Terry?” I barely knew him, but I still felt like someone should look out for him. Play the protective big sister.

Lizzy shrugged and flicked the butt of her cigarette out onto the blacktop.

“I’m here until he gets tired of me and trades me in for someone else. Come on. The guys are going to be done soon.” She winked and looped her arm in mine. I flicked my cigarette and let her drag me through the giant metal door.