White Trash Damaged

6

I PUT AWAY ALL of the groceries and stored the extra cans and boxes in Dorris’s room. I grabbed my new notebook and stack of pens and sat down at the tiny kitchen table at the front of the bus.

“My thoughts . . .” I mumbled to myself. “Poetry . . .”

I doodled a few hearts and stars on the paper before I began to write.

Love is like a waterfall

I cringed and scribbled out the words. What does that even mean? I started again, thinking of how much I loved Tucker.

Your kindness filled the emptiness of my soul

Great. Now I was the old bucket in the trailer hallway that caught water from the leaky roof. This was harder than I expected. I scribbled out the words, feeling defeated. I didn’t have some hidden talent; I was nothing special. The frustration began to spill out of me as I scribbled onto the paper.

They don’t know how their words have cut me

Bleeding and dying but you can never hurt me

Again. . . .

I refuse to let this break me, my soul is bruised but you can’t shake me

If I die alone in bed, wrapped in my thoughts trapped in my head

I will forgive all you have done wrong, with pen to paper and tell my song

Fill these sheets with my pain, and one day I will learn to love again

I could hear the band laughing and chatting just seconds before the door to the bus opened. I closed my notebook and slid it under my legs, suddenly embarrassed. These guys were real poets; I’d hate for them to think I could try to create anything close to what they did.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Tucker placed his hand on the back of my head as he bent down to kiss me on the lips.

“How’d it go?” I asked as I watched the band mill about in the tiny space.

“Productive,” Terry called out as he dug through the cabinets. “Food!”

“Holy shit! We’ve been anti-robbed!” Eric laughed as he grabbed the box of fruit snacks and slid in the seat across from me at the table.

“You did this, Cass?” Chris asked as he pulled a Gatorade from the mini fridge.

“I did,” I said, beaming. “And I bumped into Sarah, too, actually. It was fun.”

“If that’s what you consider a good time, Tucker is not fulfilling your needs,” Eric joked, and Tucker smacked him on the arm before nudging me over so he could sit next to me.

“It was! We hung out, gossiped in the cereal aisle.” I grinned at Eric who suddenly looked more interested in my shopping spree. Something about his expression made me wonder if he had an interest in her.

“What’s this?” Tucker pulled my notebook out from under him.

“Nothing. It’s stupid.” I reached for the book as Tucker flipped it open and his eyes danced over the page. He let me pull it from his hands as he stared ahead. His expression was unreadable. “I told you it was stupid.”

“No. It’s . . . beautiful. You’re a natural.”

“I want to see!” Eric reached across the table, but I pulled the book back before he could grab it.

“Reach across this table again and you will pull back a nub!”

“Damn! She has been hanging out with Sarah.” Chris laughed as he shoved some crackers in his mouth.

“So what did you guys talk about?” Eric leaned back in his seat, trying to look unconcerned, but it was obvious he was crushing on her.

“A lady never tells.” I smirked.

“True. Now spill it.”

I narrowed my eyes at Eric as Tucker chuckled. He slid his hand under the table and squeezed my knee as he winked at me, which sent butterflies into flight in my stomach. Sometimes it still didn’t seem real that I was dating him.

I leaned my elbows on the table like I was ready to spill all of the juicy details of our chat.

“She said you have a really big . . .”

Eric leaned forward, giving me his undivided attention.

“Ego.” I let out a laugh, and Eric threw a fruit snack at my head.

“Fine. Don’t tell me.” Eric’s focus turned to Tucker. “What’s in the notebook?”

All of the band was quiet waiting for some big reveal.

“Poetry,” Tucker replied as he ran his hand through my hair, slipping it behind my ear.

“I had no idea you were so deep.” Terry looked genuinely surprised.

“That’s what . . .” I began, and all of the guys burst out in laughter.

“No . . . just, no,” Chris said as he shook his head.

“You should write more. You have a real talent, sweetheart.” I could have melted under Tucker’s gaze.

I shrugged, embarrassed at the attention, especially since it didn’t feel warranted.

“We have a meeting with a potential manager in half an hour. We should get ready.” Tucker kissed my temple before sliding out of the booth and stretching.

The band scattered as they took care of personal business before the meeting. Tucker smiled as he held out his hand to me. I took it, letting him pull me from the booth. His hand slid to the small of my back, pulling me against him.

“I’m serious about the poetry,” he whispered. “You should keep writing.”

“Thank you.” It was incredibly hard to slip back into the mind-set of who I was back in the trailer park, but it was worth it to hear someone as talented as Tucker tell me I was good at something. I pressed my lips against his and let my eyes fall closed. I loved how his kiss could make us feel like the only people in the world, even in a crowded bus. My lips fell open as Tucker’s tongue ran over my bottom lip. We deepened our kiss, and I was breathless by the time I pulled back for air. My eyes slowly opened to see the rest of the band watching us. I was mortified.

“You guys need to get a life.” Tucker laughed and shook his head. I wanted to crawl in our bed and hide from the world.

“We need to get a video camera,” Eric shot back, and Chris held up his hand to give him a high five.

“So . . . a new manager.” I cleared my throat, hoping to change the subject.

“Hopefully it goes well. We won’t be long.” Tucker leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Dorris picked her out, so it shouldn’t be too hard a decision.”

With that, the guys filed out of the bus, and I was left alone again. I wondered if it would always be this way—brief pockets with Tucker while he drifted in and out on official band business. I would definitely need to take up a hobby, otherwise I was going to go out of my mind. Plus, I refused to be just a trophy girlfriend—I knew I was worth more than that.

I flipped open the notebook again and sat back down at the table. For nearly twenty minutes I stared at the words I had written before deciding this cramped space wasn’t conducive to creativity. I grabbed the book and pen and stepped out into the bright parking lot. I squinted as I scanned the rows of cars, looking for somewhere a little more private. I rounded the back of the bus and found another, smaller bus parked behind ours. I was sure it was Fifth’s, but it was still, silent, and I figured they had gone out as well. I slid down against the back of our bus and placed my notebook on my lap as I began to jot down a few more lines. Memories of my past flooded my thoughts.

The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my nose, replacing the sweet smell of freedom. My hands flew to the back of my head as I struggled to pry Jackson’s fingers from my hair. “Jax, let go of me!” I struggled to get my footing as he lifted me from the bed by my hair. His dirty fingers gripped onto my throat, cutting off my pleas for help. I stared into the lifeless bloodshot eyes of my boyfriend, silently pleading for him to let me go.

“Where is my dope?” he asked, his words slurring as his grip tightened. I clawed at his fingers, desperate for a gasp of air. “I know you fucking took it.” I struggled to shake my head as my body grew weak. He released me, flinging my body back on the bed. I struggled to take in deep breaths as he loomed over me, waiting for an answer.

“I didn’t. I wouldn’t,” I protested as I waited for his blows.

Lying crumpled and broken on empty sheets, feel the pain settle deep within me

I stand to fight another day, bracing for the blows on shaky legs

I take this pen and find my voice, fill the sheets with words of noise

My heart races to set the beat, as I bare my soul on empty sheets

“Plotting out world domination?” a female voice called from the window of the bus in front of me.

“I’m still in the early planning stages,” I called back to Sarah who smiled and slid the window closed before appearing in the doorway of the bus.

“I needed to get out of there. It’s like a coffin.” She sighed as she gathered her dark hair and pulled it back into a hair tie. “Where are the guys?” she asked as she sank down next to me.

“At a meeting with a possible new manager,” I replied as I chewed on the end of my pen.

“Yikes.” She laughed as she picked up a pebble and tossed it toward her bus. “Well, you are just in time for the show.”

I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what she meant until the door to the bus flew open again and Lizzy stepped outside. She had a cigarette dangling from her lips, and her hair was a wild mess of curls.

“Wow. . . .”

“I thought you would find that interesting. She shacked up with Derek last night. The sounds coming from his bunk would give you nightmares.” She laughed. “At one point I wondered where they had gotten a goat.”

I chuckled as I stared up at Lizzy whose eyes landed on me and anger flashed through them.

“What are you looking at?” she spat as she lit her cigarette. “You think you’re better than me just because you’re banging a lead singer?” She laughed as she shook her head. “I’ve already had him. You’re not that special.”

She reminded me of Cadence, Tucker’s ex-girlfriend. She was desperate to cling to anyone else’s coattails instead of building a meaningful relationship, and she didn’t care who she had to step on to get there. It made me sick to see the desperation in her eyes as she tried to pull me down with her.

Her words cut through me like a knife, and I could feel all happiness seeping out of the wound. I tried to form a response, but I couldn’t speak. I was right back in the lobby of that hotel when I saw Tucker with his ex-girlfriend. My heart stopped in my chest as I saw Lizzy’s eyes lock onto mine. I was an obstacle, not a person, and my feelings meant nothing. I had taken her words to heart, believed that I wasn’t good enough for him and was only a placeholder until the next best thing came along. But those were my own insecurities, not how Tucker really saw me. Still, in the heat of the moment it was incredibly hard not to believe I wasn’t good enough. It was something that had been drilled into me for years and not an easy notion to let go of.

“Don’t believe me? I think my favorite picture in his bunk is the one of him on his bike.”

Sarah pushed to her feet and was in front of Lizzy before I could absorb what she had just said to me.

“The free ride stops here. Get your shit, and get the hell off my bus,” Sarah yelled as she folded her arms over her chest.

“Screw both of you!” Lizzy yelled back as she stormed onto the bus to gather her things. I pushed to my feet and made my way to the front of our bus. I needed to lie down, to think. I felt like my head was going to explode. I tossed my notebook on the floor and slipped into Tucker’s bunk. My eyes danced over the pictures Tucker had taped to the top of the bed. My vision clouded over with tears as I looked up at a picture of him straddling his motorcycle.

“Cass?” Sarah called from the entrance of the bus. I didn’t respond. I was afraid the floodgates would open and I would completely lose control of myself.

“You have to trust him to make this work. Tucker’s a good guy.”

“Tucker wouldn’t . . .” I began, but my voice cracked.

“You’re damn right he wouldn’t. He loves you, and he loves Terry.”

“The picture is right here.”

“There is an explanation. You need to be stronger. You can’t let her manipulate how you feel this easily.”

“I am just so scared that I will wake up and everything with Tucker will all have been a dream.”

It reminded me of all the times I had dreamed my father had come back and was now part of my life. I’d run through the scenario a thousand times in my mind wondering what it would be like, but it always ended in disappointment when I woke the next morning. I was scared that one day I would wake up and find that Tucker had never really come back to find me and I was just torturing myself.

“That’s good. I’m going to write that down.”

I pushed open the curtain and saw Sarah reaching for my notebook. I held my breath as her eyes scanned what I’d written.

“This is amazing, Cass. You have a way with words.” She smiled up at me as she folded the notebook closed and handed it to me. I slid it under Tucker’s pillow. “That would make a killer song.”

“Thanks.” I smiled, pride beginning to bolster my spirits again.

Sarah stood and began to make her way to the front of the bus.

“Sarah?”

She stopped, turning to look back at me.

“Thanks for talking some sense into me. . . . I . . . I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You’re only human. If it makes you feel better, I can chase down Lizzy and kick her ass.” She winked, and I laughed.

“Maybe later.” I watched her leave before flopping back on the pillow and staring up at the pictures of Tucker. He had been the one person in my life who didn’t judge me and wanted nothing more than to see me smile. I needed to stop comparing everyone to my absent father and abusive ex-boyfriend. I knew better than to think of Jackson as my eyes grew heavy.

The living room was so trashed I could barely push the front door open after my long shift at the diner. My eyes scanned the mess and the two men who lay passed out on either end of the couch. I stepped over a plate and began to make my way back down the hall. When I heard a female giggle from the bathroom, I paused with my hand on the doorknob to my room. That wasn’t my mother’s voice, not that I had heard her laughter in years. It was someone much younger.

I walked to the bathroom door and listened as I heard Jax say something in a hushed tone. I shoved open the door and gasped as I saw a girl around my age sitting on his lap. The needle in his hand didn’t register. All I saw was his arms looped around another woman.

“What are you doing?” My words broke under my shaky voice as I struggled not to break down and cry. I didn’t want to be weak.

“Creating a new customer base.” He smirked and shook the needle in his hand.

I felt ill, and my hand fell to my stomach as I struggled not to vomit the one meal I had been lucky enough to eat that day.

“You can’t do this.” I took a step inside the cramped bathroom, wishing I had found him cheating instead of ruining this poor girl’s life. “Come on.” I held out my hand to the brunette who sat perched on my boyfriend’s knee. She drew into him and glared at my hand.

“I’m not going anywhere. He wants me here, so you can just fuck off,” she spat angrily. Jax laughed, finding the whole exchange amusing.

“Cass!” My eyes fluttered open to the sound of Tucker’s voice. I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him against me. “Shh . . .” He stroked my hair as I held on to him. “It was just a bad dream, sweetheart. I’m here.”

“It felt so real.”

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

I nodded into his shoulder as I lifted my gaze to see the rest of the band standing silently around us.

“I’m so sorry.” I pulled back from Tucker and wiped the tears from my cheeks, embarrassed.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Cass.” Tucker glanced over his shoulder to the other guys. They all nodded in agreement.