White Trash Damaged

15

I SLEPT LIKE HELL all night tossing and turning. Tucker never came to bed, and I knew everyone was mad at him and blamed me for it. This tour—our rhythm, our lack of privacy, this whole situation—it was killing us, and we needed a drastic change or it would destroy our relationship for good.

It didn’t take long to decide it was time to visit my father. It would give Tucker and me the breathing room we needed to think about what we wanted out of life and what we needed from each other.

I grabbed my cell phone and sent him a text. I want to visit my father.

I waited for nearly ten minutes for his response, and it was killing me not knowing where he was. I found a flight that leaves tomorrow.

I didn’t know what I wanted him to say, but that wasn’t it. He was happy to send me away and he wasn’t going to put up a fight. As tears swam in my eyes, I grabbed my small duffel bag and began to shove some clothes inside.

“Trying to sleep,” Eric called from his bunk.

“Sorry,” I said sadly, my voice cracking.

He pushed back the curtain to his bunk and groaned as he sat up.

“Where the hell are you going?” he asked, pointing to my bag.

“To see my father.”

“You coming back?”

I stopped shoving clothes in my bag and took a deep breath.

“I don’t think I’m wanted around here anymore.”

Eric jumped down from the bunk and put his hand on my shoulder, turning me around to face him.

“You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”

I couldn’t respond. The words stuck behind the lump that had formed in my throat. Eric looked uncomfortable as he scratched the back of his head.

“Tucker would quit this band in a heartbeat if you asked him to.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” I said defensively.

“I know you wouldn’t. You care too much about him to ask him something like that. This isn’t easy for you; we all know that. It only proves how much you both love each other. You think he would throw it all away over some bullshit fight?”

I shook my head. For once, Eric was the voice of reason.

“He fell asleep on Filth’s bus. They have a free bunk. He just needed some time to think. I told him it was stupid, but he was sure you didn’t want him here.”

“It’s his bus.”

“But you’re his girl, and that is more important to him than all of this.”

“Thank you . . . for saying that.” I was grateful for his kindness, but I wished I believed his words.

“It’s what friends do. Now stop your blubbering.”

I laughed and sank back on the bed feeling the pressure leave my chest.

THE BAND was out the door early to rehearse and discuss the music video they would be shooting next week.

Tucker came back around six in the evening and barely spoke a word to me, but I could see he wasn’t mad. He was concerned about me leaving. Tucker had reservations from the beginning about me reconnecting with my father. He didn’t trust a man who would leave behind everyone he was supposed to love.

“What time is my flight?” I asked as I picked up my sub sandwich and took a bite.

“Nine in the morning.” He took a sip of his soda but didn’t look up at me.

“Three days?”

He nodded as he shoved a handful of chips in his mouth.

“Can you please talk to me? We can’t work through this if we don’t talk. I hate you being mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you, Cass.” His eyes met mine. “I’m scared you are going to get hurt or taken advantage of by one of the few people who you love. Not that he deserves it.” The muscles in his jaw ticked.

“People change. Look at me. I’m a completely different person now.”

“No, you’re not, Cass. You are the same sweet and loving girl I fell in love with. Your circumstances changed, not who you are.”

“You don’t think he is any different?”

“I hope he is, for your sake.”

We spent the rest of the evening in Tucker’s bunk, wrapped in each other’s arms as we stared up at the pictures taped overhead. There was still so much that needed to be said, but we were both exhausted, physically and emotionally.

“What’s that one from?” I asked, pointing to a picture of him surrounded by a bunch of children ranging in age from toddlers to late teens.

“That’s when we played a free gig for the West Lake Children’s Home. All of those kids were abused, abandoned, or neglected. Every single one of them had a smile on their faces that day. We raised a few thousand dollars for them.”

“That’s amazing. I would have loved to have been there.”

He pulled me tighter into his arms and kissed the side of my head.

“You will be at the next one.”

I twisted to look up at him, his head above mine.

“I promised we’d do it every year. Remind us who we are and how fortunate we are to be doing this.”

“You really are lucky.”

His gaze fell to my lips and back to my eyes as he ran his thumb over my chin.

“I’m the luckiest man on Earth.” He tilted my chin up higher to meet his lips. “I’m going to miss you.”

I laid my head on his shoulder, my arm over his chest. We drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms.

I FELT LIKE I was on another planet leaving Tucker and the band behind to go meet my father. I wished I had Tucker by my side for this, but it was something I needed to do for myself. Tucker couldn’t hold my hand for the rest of my life and he had a very hectic schedule to maintain.

New Orleans was unlike anything I had ever seen. We had some crazy characters on the River Walk in Savannah, but they didn’t hold a candle to the street performers that lined the city here. Everything was painted in bright colors and it looked like the city was in the midst of a party, even though it wasn’t anywhere near a holiday. My eyes danced over the buildings. I promised Eric I would take a picture of the House of the Rising Sun if I saw it, but the cabdriver had no idea what I was talking about.

The driver took me right through the French Quarter at my request. I was eager to see my dad but was so terrified that it would go badly that I was trying to prolong the inevitable as much as possible.

The car crawled at a snail’s pace as we got stuck behind a horse carriage, and tourists stood in the streets to take pictures of the beautiful old balconies covered in bead necklaces.

I glanced down at my cell phone, wanting to call Tucker, but, even after our tender night together, all of the tension between us in the last few weeks made me worry he might be relieved to have a break from me. I wouldn’t blame him. I was sad to admit that getting out of that cramped bus actually felt good. I missed Tucker desperately, though, and that was even more reason to give us some time apart. I didn’t want to rely on him for my happiness or to feel fulfilled. I needed to get that on my own.

As we pulled back out onto the main road I began to think about the other man I was missing in my life, my father. The trip from the quarter to his home was only about five minutes, but it flew by so quickly I wanted to yell at the driver to slow down. My stomach was in knots.

We pulled up to the curb in front of a modest home that was painted a pale yellow with purple trim around the windows. It sat several feet off the ground on large cinder blocks. I got out of the back of the car and paid the cabdriver, clutching my bag to my side. I felt a million miles from home, even though I had no home to speak of.

The screen door opened and an older man stepped out into the sun. I recognized him instantly—he looked exactly as he had when I was young, but his hair was much thinner and his midsection had expanded.

“Welcome home, Cass.” He had a huge smile on his face, and my heart warmed at his words. He held his arms open, and I reluctantly stepped up the front steps and gave him a quick hug. The door opened behind us and out stepped a woman with an enormous round belly. Her hand rested on top of it, and the other hand rested on her lower back.

“Nice to see you, Cass,” she said as if I was just stopping by and had done it a million times before. It was comforting. I held out my hand to shake hers, but she waved it away and pulled me in for a hug. She had deep-brown hair cut off in a bob at her chin and a warm smile.

“I’m June, of course, but you can call me just about anything you like. You’re such a pretty little thing. You didn’t tell me she was so darn pretty!” She looked back at my father who laughed.

“I did too tell her you was pretty. Don’t let her say otherwise.”

“Oh, you know that’s not what I meant. Don’t you go making this girl think we talk bad.” She scolded him, and I laughed, watching their easy, carefree interaction. “Come on in and see your brother. He won’t stop going on and on about you.”

She opened the door and I stepped inside, my eyes scanning the small space. The house smelled of mildew, and the paint was peeling off the walls. It looked yellow, but I think it was just the age. The furniture was a hodgepodge of yard-sale finds and things taken from the trash. A large sign hung on the wall that read Laissez le bon temps rouler. My father’s eyes followed mine and he smiled.

“Let the good times roll.” He patted me on the shoulder. It was fitting. I knew we had more than our share of things to discuss, but for now it felt good just to be in his presence. I wanted to be mad, to scream at him, but it was hard to be mad at someone who had escaped his shitty life to find happiness. That is exactly what I had done. He couldn’t have known how things had gone downhill with Mom.

“Ryley!” June yelled much louder than necessary for the small dwelling. A little boy came out from one of the bedrooms at the back of the house. He had thick deep-brown hair like his mother and blue eyes that matched my father’s and mine. June had green eyes, and I was happy that Ryley seemed to have something from our side of the family. “Come say hi to your sister.”

He was shy, looking down at a large Lego toy in his hands. I sank down on my knees to get to his eye level.

“Hello, Ryley. My name is Cass.” I didn’t feel comfortable telling him I was his sister. It felt a little strange to just fling myself into their family.

“Hi,” he said quietly, still pretending to ignore me, but he glanced up at me to look at my face when he thought I wasn’t looking.

“That looks like a fun toy.”

“Daddy got it for me.” It shouldn’t sting to hear him call my father his own, but it did and I knew I wouldn’t be able to brush the past under the rug. We would have to sit down and work out what had happened in order to move on. I tousled Ryley’s hair, and he ran off to disappear back into the room he had been hiding in.

“He’s a little shy,” June explained, and she made her way into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge. “Sweet tea?”

“Sure. That would be great.”

My father motioned toward the table and I nodded, sitting down at the little table. He took a seat across from me in a mismatched chair.

“Donated,” he explained when he saw me looking it over. “We lost our things in Katrina and had to move here.”

“You lost everything?”

He smiled as June sat down a glass in front of each of us. He put his hand on her stomach and placed a kiss in the center.

“Not everything. We had each other. That was all we needed.”

It was incredibly moving to hear him speak that way. As a child I rarely remember him saying anything that wasn’t derogatory to my mom.

“You seem very happy together.” I took a sip of the tea and gave June a smile. “Thank you.”

“It’s been a struggle. That’s for sure.”

“Did you get help? Didn’t the government send help?”

“They did, princess, but there was so many of us needing help. There was only so much they could do. We got us one of those trailers, but the smell from the material they built it with made June so sick she could hardly get out of bed. We were forced to find somewhere else to go. I lost my job over at the plant. It went underwater, and so I have been helping people get back on their feet and doing odd jobs for local businesses, but as everything got back to normal the work fell off.”

“That’s awful.” I looked at June’s growing belly and thought of my brother in the other room. How were they going to survive? I admired their cautiously optimistic outlook in light of all they were facing. They could have blamed the world, but they stuck together and were happy to have each other. My phone rang and I smiled as Tucker’s name scrolled across the screen.

“Do you mind?” I didn’t want to interrupt as we were finally talking, but I knew Tucker wouldn’t have a lot of free time.

“You take your time, sweetie,” June said with a grin.

I made my way out onto the small front porch and answered the call.

“How was the flight?” I didn’t realize how much I had missed his voice.

“It was great. Really great.”

“How was meeting your dad?”

“Better than I expected. He’s nicer than I remember, and June is really, really sweet. I feel so bad for them.”

“Why would you feel bad for them?”

“They lost everything in that hurricane and are struggling hard to make ends meet.”

He sighed heavily into the phone and didn’t respond.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Did they ask you for money, sweetheart?”

“No. Of course not.” I didn’t know why I acted like I was offended. I barely knew these people, family or not, and was a little too eager to take up their defense.

“Please tell me if he does. I don’t want him taking advantage of you.”

“Geez, Tucker. Can you take a break from trying to save the day just once? If you’re so worried about me getting hurt, why don’t you tell Donna to fuck off?” I closed my eyes, waiting for the backlash to my comment. I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth. Tucker didn’t need me coming between him and the band, and Donna was now part of that group. I was the outsider. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I am just really tired and overwhelmed.”

“No. You’re right. What do you want me to do, Cass, because I’m getting mixed signals. One minute you’re telling me to stay with the band and the next you’re fighting with me about it. I don’t know what it is you want me to do.”

“Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything. Donna and I will work out whatever our problem is. . . . I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“I know she is a bitch to you. I have talked to her about that. Believe me, there is nothing more that I want than for you two to get along. There needs to be some compromise on both sides.”

I wanted to scream. I didn’t do anything to Donna, and she was making it a point to make our lives miserable, but for once I bit my tongue and agreed with him. There was no use in stressing him out before a show.

June stepped out onto the porch and smiled at me, and I grinned back politely.

“I should go. I’ll call you later.”

“You better. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I replied and ended the call, looking up at June.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. I was just going for my evening walk. They say it helps move things along with the baby. Would you like to join me? Your daddy is putting Ryley down for the night.”

“Sure.” I followed her down the uneven steps of the front porch, and we began to walk down the sidewalk.

The air was muggy and I wished I hadn’t worn jeans because they felt like they were sticking to my skin. Anyone who said Georgia heat is comparable to Louisiana had obviously never lived in this place.

“When are you due?” I asked as we continued our slow pace down the old sidewalk.

“I have three more weeks.” She smiled, rubbing over her belly. “Ryley came two weeks late.”

“Yikes.” We both laughed, and some of the tension eased between us. It was odd talking to the woman my father was in love with and not knowing the first thing about her. “Are you from here?”

“Born in raised in Baton Rouge. Moved here about a year before I met your daddy.”

“What can you tell me about him? I don’t remember much from when I was little.”

“He loves his football and grilling in the summer. He has the biggest heart.”

“He seems so . . . different.” I wasn’t sure if that would be taken as an insult, but it felt like it had to be said.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. I remember him and my momma fighting a lot when I was little, over money, mostly.” I shrugged and turned the corner to round the block.

“Well, that can be pretty stressful.”

I felt like I had touched on a sore subject, but it made me wonder if things weren’t as perfect as they seemed.

“Do you work?” I asked, staring off at a group of people ahead. Someone was playing a saxophone and others were gathered around singing.

“I used to sing at the local joints.” She beamed as she shook her head. “I was something to see. Before this big old belly, I could really draw a crowd. That’s how I met your father.”

“You quit when you got pregnant?”

“Not long after we had gotten together things went all pear shaped.” She glanced down at her stomach. “Wasn’t many wanting to see a big old pregnant woman up onstage, and your daddy . . .” Her voice trailed off, and I could tell the thought had made her sad so I didn’t press her. I remembered all too well how my father wanted my mother to stop pursuing her dreams as a hairstylist so she could stay home and keep an eye on me.

We had made a loop around the block and were coming back up on the tiny yellow house.

“I’m really glad you came, Cass. It is truly great to have the whole family together.”

“Thanks. I was really glad he called me. I mean, definitely a surprise since it has been so long . . . but a good one.”

She made a face but soon covered it with another bright smile and we made our way up the steps to the front door.

My father stepped outside before we could enter.

“Shhh . . . That boy was fighting sleep something fierce.”

“I’m gonna run in and use the ladies’ room.” June stood on her tiptoes and kissed my father on the cheek before slipping inside. He motioned to the steps and sat down on the top one. I took a seat next to him and watched as the sun began to sink behind the buildings.

“You have a nice family,” I said, staring off into the distance.

“Thank you. You know you are welcome here any time.”

I nodded, but it didn’t feel that way. I felt like an outsider.

“June is really sweet. I like her.”

“She’s a spitfire.” He chuckled. “Tell me about this boy you’re seeing.”

“He’s a really great guy. He has an amazing voice.”

“Makes good money at that I’m sure.”

I nodded. I wanted to stay off the topic of money. I didn’t want Tucker to be right.

“We don’t talk about that sort of thing.” I shrugged as I ran my hands over my jeans. “How do you deal with this humidity?”

“You’d be surprised what your body can get used to.” He chuckled. I thought back on the bruises that used to mar my body and nodded in agreement. It was incredibly awkward trying to carry on a conversation with him alone, and I wished June would hurry up, but I was sure she was leaving us be on purpose.

“What a . . .” He cleared his throat. “What happened to your momma?”

My chest tightened.

I explained my turbulent relationship with Jax and how we struggled every day to make it. I hated to tell him about my mother’s drug use, but I felt he should know the desperation she felt. When I told him about my relationship with Tucker and how it had played a major part in the way the events unfolded, I braced myself for his judgment, but he only nodded and listened.

“I didn’t know how bad it had gotten for you,” he said, and his eyes met mine.

June stepped out onto the porch behind us, and I was thankful to be pulled back from our trip down memory lane.

“Am I interrupting?” she asked as she looked between my father and me.

“Not at all,” I replied, clearing my throat.

“I grabbed some beignets from Café Du Monde today. Thought you’d like one.”

“That would be great. What is it?” I looked to my father and he chuckled.

“Fancy donut with lots of sugar on it.”

June went back in the house and returned a few seconds later with a bag full of food. I grabbed one and took a bite as we ate in silence, watching the sunset behind the buildings.

“They are delicious. Thank you.”

June smiled, proud to share a little piece of her home with me.

“Expensive,” my father mumbled.

“You guys didn’t need to spend money on me.” I felt guilty after all of their talk of losing everything that I hadn’t even thought twice about her buying treats especially for me. I pushed the thought of my father being the cause of my suffering as a child to the back of my mind.

“It’s no worry. You’re family.” June waved her hand in the air. “You must be exhausted from all that flying. I’ll go make up the couch for you.”

“That’s great. Thank you.” My father and I sat in silence for a few minutes. I wanted to bring up the fact that he left, what it did to my momma and me, but I couldn’t get up the nerve. He had invited me into his home and it felt wrong. I could feel his eyes on me, and I wanted to break the awkward silence.

“I started writing. Songs mostly. Well, it’s poetry really, but Tucker has sung one at his concert.” I was rambling. I didn’t understand this sudden nervousness and need for his approval.

He nodded but didn’t say anything. I was surprised when it stung to have this man, a stranger by all accounts, not acknowledge what I felt was a big achievement.

“I should get some sleep.” I pushed to my feet and dusted the dirt from the back of my legs.

“See you in the morning.”

“Good night.”

That night I dreamed that I was back on the bus. I missed snuggling up next to Tucker. It didn’t matter what state we were in or where we were headed, I was always home in his arms and I missed that. I wasn’t sure what I thought I would find down in Louisiana, but this wasn’t it. I had hoped that my father’s life had turned around and he was happy, but the house was in shambles and they seemed to worry constantly about where their next dollar would come from. Instead of feeling like I’d found my way home, I felt like a guest, a stranger in this foreign city, this unfamiliar house. And worse, I felt sad for my father. I felt pity for him and wished there was something I could do to help him and June in the wake of the tragedy they’d suffered.

The next morning I woke to Ryley pushing his finger against my eye. I rolled over and tickled his stomach, causing him to giggle and run away.

“You leave her alone, young man.” June was in the kitchen cooking something on the stove. It smelled like sausage, and my stomach growled. “Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes. Eggs and boudin.”

“Sounds . . . good.” I didn’t know what it was, but it smelled incredible.

“Keep it down, June,” my father yelled from his bedroom, startling me. June made a face at me, and I laughed quietly to myself. I walked into the kitchen to see if she needed any help.

“Anything I can do?”

“You can grab the plates.” With her spatula, she pointed to the cabinet next to the fridge. I set the table, not sure if my father would be joining us for breakfast or not. I figured it was better safe than sorry, so I set the table for four.

He eventually rolled out of bed as June finished up. He gave her a kiss on the cheek as he stole a piece of sausage, and she smacked him on the hand.

We didn’t talk about my mother and what had happened after he left. I realized it was more important to me to get a fresh start, not rehash the past. I wanted to spend some time with them just getting to know them better. We would have plenty of opportunities down the road to revisit the heavy baggage of our past.