White Trash Damaged

13

DON’T FREAK OUT.” Sarah put her hand on my chest and stopped me from entering the checkout at the grocery store.

“Okay, Sarah, you can’t grab my boobs and ask me not to freak out. That’s just weird.”

“What? No!” She pulled her hand back and grabbed a tabloid magazine from the end of the counter. “This!” She pointed to a giant picture of my face.

“What?” I snatched the magazine from her hand, turning it over several times like the image would disappear. “This is bad. This is so bad.”

“It might be. See what it says.” She grabbed another magazine from the rack and flipped it open to the article.

“I didn’t do an interview. How do they have this?” I asked, pointing to the quotes directly from me. It finally dawned on me. . . . The man at the Damaged concert back in Lakeland. The guy with the camera. “Shit. That weird guy from the concert. I didn’t know he was a reporter. They can’t do this without permission, right?” I asked. Nothing in the story was actually that bad. It mentioned that I was Tucker’s girlfriend and that I was touring with him. That didn’t seem so terrible.

“We should let them see this before they find it on their own . . . or before Donna finds it.” Sarah grabbed the rest of the magazines, and we checked out as quickly as possible. I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. In fact, I was certain Tucker would get a laugh out of it. I knew he wasn’t a fan of these magazines, but this story happened to be true this time.

I slipped onto the bus, and the guys were going about their morning routines, which consisted of nursing their hangovers and Chris very unceremoniously kicking his one-night stand off the bus.

“Breaking Donna’s rules?” I raised an eyebrow at Chris who shook his head with a guilty grin. “She’s out getting her fancy coffee or some shit.”

I shook my head and sat my bags of groceries on the floor, pulling out the contents and slipping them into the cupboards. Tucker came out of the bathroom, his hair an adorable mess and his basketball shorts slung low on his hips.

“Morning, sweetheart,” he said as he gave me a kiss on the cheek and started helping me unload the groceries. He pulled out a magazine, and his eyes grew large as he looked at my face on the cover. “What the hell is this?”

“Don’t be mad. Some guy was talking to me at your concert. I had no idea who he was.”

Tucker flipped through the pages and glanced over the interview.

“Why would I be mad?” He slowly ripped the cover off the magazine and dug through the kitchen drawer, pulling out a roll of tape. “I like this picture of you.” He smiled and went back to his bunk to tape the picture above his bed with the others. I sighed, thankful he didn’t react the way Sarah had feared.

“You guys hungry?” I asked as Eric grabbed a coffee mug from the sink.

“Coffee?” He held the cup out at me with the saddest little puppy-dog face.

“I’ll get right on it.” I took the mug and sat it on the counter. He gave me a thankful smile, and I began preparing the coffeemaker for a fresh pot. The door opened and Donna stepped inside holding a drink carrier full of overpriced lattes. She sat it down on the table and pulled off her oversized sunglasses. Her eyes landed on me and narrowed before she dug around in her giant hobo purse and pulled out a copy of the magazine with my article. She held it up, not saying a word. I turned back to the coffeemaker and continued to fill it with water.

“I’ve already seen it,” I said, not looking at her. “So has Tucker.”

“It’s a great picture,” Tucker spoke up, sliding his hand around my back and resting his hand on my hip.

“So I guess it was worth losing half of your fan base?” Donna shot back. I spun around. “We had discussed this, Tucker.” Her eyes narrowed and landed on my boyfriend.

“Discussed what?” I asked, looking to him for answers. He blew out a long breath.

“Donna thinks we should keep our relationship a secret. She’s afraid our female fans will lose interest.”

“Not a secret. I think it shouldn’t exist.”

“What?” I knew she had reservations about me joining the guys for the tour, but this was insane.

“It’s nothing personal.”

“Nothing personal? This is my boyfriend. I don’t see how it could be any more personal.”

She turned her attention to Tucker, completely ignoring me.

“I have been fielding calls all morning. Calls from everyone from news reporters to Cass’s father and everyone in between. This is very bad.”

“Wait . . . Did you say my father?” Suddenly I felt like I was spinning. . . . In that one sentence the entire world just imploded.

“This isn’t a game, Tucker. Is it really worth it to play house with some girl? This is your career.”

“She isn’t just some girl. I love her, and she is more important than any of this shit.”

“I’m sorry. Did you say my dad called you?”

Donna rolled her eyes at me as she tapped her foot. The other members of the band stood in shock watching our fight. Tucker continued to argue his point while Donna shrieked and moaned.

“Enough,” Eric yelled, and the bus went silent. I leaned back against the counter, struggling to catch my breath as a panic attack began to take over. “Cass is trying to find out about her dad. Can you not see what you’re doing to her?” Suddenly everyone’s eyes were on me.

“He left his number. Why is this such a big issue?” Donna waved her hands around dramatically. I slowly raised my eyes to meet hers.

“I haven’t seen my father in years. . . . Since I was little,” I said quietly as I rubbed over my arm nervously. I hated admitting that I fit the stereotype she had clearly pinned on me: poor little lost girl with daddy issues. I expected her to smile, but instead she was sympathetic.

“That wasn’t fair of me. I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine,” I said, looking away. I needed to get out of there. I needed some air before my lungs exploded. I pushed my way through the group and stumbled out of the front door. Tucker followed and placed his hand on the small of my back.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

I held up my hand to stop him from talking. I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me, but all I cared about in that moment was keeping the world from caving in on me. My father had disappeared to New Orleans when I was six and never returned, leaving my mother and me destitute and confused, struggling to survive while he was off living the single life. What could he possibly want from me now, so many years later?

I shook away the sadness, forcing back the tears that threatened to spill over my cheeks. “I always knew he would come back one day; I just thought it would be while my mother was still alive.” My heart was in the pit of my stomach. Tucker wrapped his arms around me, and that contact, that feeling of safety, caused me to let go of everything I was holding back. The tears flowed freely as sobs wracked my body. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was happy now, and my life was finally falling into place.

Tucker laid his cheek on the top of my head as his hand rubbed over my back soothingly.

“This doesn’t change anything. You don’t have to call him back. He doesn’t deserve it.”

I pulled back, brushing my hair away from my wet face.

“I have to call him, Tucker. He’s my dad.” I couldn’t understand his logic. Why would I blow him off? I had wanted to see his face again since the moment he stepped out of my life.

“You don’t have to do anything, Cass. He doesn’t even deserve to hear your voice. You’re going to get hurt.”

“I’m used to it.” I walked around him and made my way around the bus. I wanted to talk to Sarah. She would understand. I knew Tucker didn’t want to see me upset, but that was something in life that was unavoidable. I was willing to take the chance.

I banged on the bus door and waited impatiently for someone to answer. Derek pulled open the door and motioned with a tilt of his head to the back of the bus. Sarah leaned out of the bathroom where she was styling her hair to see who was at the door.

“Hey! I was gonna come get you in a few and see if you wanted to do makeovers.” She was beaming from ear to ear. Her smile faded as she saw my tearstained face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I swiped the tears from my cheeks and gave her a smile. “I was just overwhelmed.”

She made her way down the hallway of the bus. Derek gave her a look and nodded, going to the back of the bus to give us privacy. I shoved my hands in my jean pockets.

“How are things going with him?” I asked as she motioned for us to sit at the small kitchen table.

“Things are good. You want to tell me what happened? Is it Tucker? Is it that bitch Donna?”

I laughed and shook my head.

“Not really. I mean . . . yeah, she sucks, but it’s not them.”

“Then what is it? Spit it out already!”

“My dad is trying to contact me.”

Sarah sat back in her seat, her eyes going wide.

“I take it that’s a bad thing.”

“No. I mean . . . I don’t really know. I’ve been dreaming of this day for years.”

She nodded and reached over the table, placing her hand on mine. Half her hair was curled, the other side hung in a tangled mess. I laughed.

“You have the power here. You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to. You can call and see where it goes from there. Just be careful. There is no telling what he wants.”

“I know.” The thought of him wanting something from me tied my stomach in knots. I wasn’t ready to be hurt by someone else I loved, but I needed to hear his voice.

There was a knock on the door and Sarah grinned.

“Come in, Tucker,” she called out, and the door pulled open. Tucker smiled when his eyes met mine.

“I guess I should go and let you finish getting ready.” I pushed up from the table and walked toward the door.

“I’m here if you need to talk,” Sarah replied as we made our way back outside.

“Tucker.” I turned to face him, taking his hands in mine. “I need you to be supportive, no matter what I decide to do.”

He nodded, looking down at the asphalt.

“If he hurts you . . .” His eyes met mine and I sighed, not needing him to finish his thought. He pulled a small slip of paper from his pocket and held it out to me. I took it from him. My eyes danced over the phone number scrawled out in Tucker’s handwriting. I looped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek as I gave him an appreciative hug.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. I’m not sure this is going to end the way you are hoping.”

“When did you become so pessimistic?”

He laughed sardonically and ran his hand over his hair.

“When I lost everything I had loved.”

The pain in his eyes nearly killed me. I pushed my forehead against his.

“I’m not going anywhere, Tucker.” I pressed my lips against his, and he slid his hands into my hair, holding me against him for an extra moment.

“Just promise me, no matter what happens, you won’t let him break you. You’re a lot stronger than I give you credit for, but I have seen you defeated, and I don’t ever want to watch you go through that again.”

“No matter what happens, we have each other, and that is all I need.”

“Band meeting.” Donna stuck her head out of the door. I rolled my eyes and looked back at Tucker.

“At least you won’t have to deal with her for a little while.”

I laughed and pulled him in for a hug. He kissed my forehead and retreated back inside of the bus. A few minutes later the band filed out with Donna behind them.

I went onto the bus and sat down. I held the cell phone in my hands, letting my eyes go unfocused as I stared at the keypad. I was trying to summon the courage to finally call my dad. My fingers shook as I pulled the small sliver of paper from my pocket. This was it. Time to be strong. I dialed the number and dropped the paper in my lap as I crossed my legs in our bunk.

It rang twice before a man with a deep scratchy voice answered.

“Yeah?”

The voice didn’t sound like I had remembered, and for a second I thought I had dialed the wrong number.

“I’m sorry, I was looking for David Daniels.”

“This is him,” he replied, and the line went quiet. “Cass?”

My throat closed and I suddenly was unable to respond. It was my father and he recognized me.

“It’s me.” I cleared my throat as I pushed open the curtain to the bunk, feeling claustrophobic.

“Princess! You sound so grown up.”

“I am grown up now, Dad.”

“Yeah, of course you are. Of course. How are you?”

“I’m . . . all right.”

“Good. That’s really good to hear. I tried to call your mother a few times, but she must have changed her number.”

“She’s dead,” I blurted out, squeezing my eyes closed as I mentally scolded myself for not being more tactful. He didn’t respond, but I could hear him breathing into the receiver. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you that way. I thought you would know.”

There was a beat of silence.

“No, no, it’s fine. I just . . . I . . . I didn’t know.”

“How are you doing?” I wanted to change the subject and not let myself dwell on the darker part of my life.

“Things are good. My wife is pregnant again.”

Everything began to spin, and I felt like I was sinking.

“Your wife?” I asked as I held the palm of my hand against my chest. Willing my heartbeat to slow.

“I remarried a few years back. Your momma didn’t tell you?”

“How could you remarry? You and Mom were still married.” I was angry and wanted to scream at him in her defense.

“We’ve been divorced for nearly four years, Cass.”

“That’s impossible. You said she is pregnant again?”

“Big as a house. . . . You have a little brother, Ryley. He just turned three, but that boy is smart as a whip.”

I let the phone slide from my hand and into my lap as I struggled to keep from losing my mind. All these years I had prayed for my father to come back and save us, and all the while he had moved on and started a whole new family. We couldn’t have been further from his mind. And worst of all, Momma had known and never said a word. I felt betrayed by everyone involved. I could hear the faint sound of his voice from the phone, and I picked it up and held it back to my ear.

“Sorry. I dropped the phone.” My voice came out sounding monotone. I was trying so hard to suppress the sadness and anger that was boiling inside of me.

“I thought she would have told you, princess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, surprised at my own strength.

“When I left I had no business trying to raise a kid when I couldn’t even pay the bills. Couldn’t even keep myself off the bottle. You were better off with your mother. I always planned to come back. You have to believe that, but your momma and I were toxic together. It would have made your life miserable.”

“My life was miserable. We struggled every damn day.” The tears were flowing freely now, and I was embarrassed that I was allowing him to hear me cry.

“I’m sorry. I know I can’t ever take back what I have put you through, but I would like the chance to be a part of your life, Cass. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

“But . . . why now?”

“When I saw your face on the magazine, it was a real wake-up call, Cass. . . . It was a punch in the gut. I realized how much time had passed . . . how much of your life I’d missed out on. . . . Hell, it took me a few moments to even recognize my own kid!” He laughed nervously, and then fell silent for a few moments. “I just want a second shot with my oldest kid, Cass. That’s all.”

I chewed on my lip as I thought that over. I knew people could change, and he was taking the step to have me back in his life. That had to count for something.

“Okay,” I replied with a sigh.

“Great. I’ll call you to make some plans. Thank you, Cass.”

I nodded to myself and ended the call, tossing the phone on the bed beside me as I tried to process all of the new information. I couldn’t believe he had a new family and that it took him almost two decades to reach out to me. I could feel anger beginning to swell, but I fought against it. After all, it would be nice to have family. And he was all I had left.

I let the tears flow freely as I put my head on Tucker’s pillow. I closed my eyes, inhaling the traces of coconut that lingered from him. His concert would be beginning soon, but my body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and I couldn’t force myself to move. I needed a night off. A break from all of the chaos that was life on the road.

I tried to imagine what my father’s house would look like and if his son and I shared any resemblance. I always took after my mother, so the chances of that were pretty slim. Then my mind wandered to what his wife was like. Was she kind? Did she have any of the emotional issues that plagued my mother? I couldn’t imagine that she would, as most of her problems seemed to stem from his abandonment of her, of us.

I hadn’t even thought to ask him if he was still in New Orleans or if that was just another part of the fairy tale my parents fed me when I was little. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. All I knew was I wasn’t satisfied with what-ifs anymore. I needed to see him face-to-face.

My head was clouded with a mix of sadness and hope as I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from all of the emotions that were overwhelming me. I dreamt of my father. He looked as I remembered him but his features blurred slightly; I couldn’t bring him into focus. His hair was peppered with gray, and he opened his arms to me with a bright smile. I ran to him and was immediately swarmed by my new loving family. They gripped me tightly in their arms and all had the same comforting beachy smell.

“I missed you tonight.” A voice spoke to me, and I laughed at how much my father sounded like Tucker. “You feeling okay?”

My eyes fluttered open and I was face-to-face with Tucker who had curled up beside me in the bunk.

“I missed your show. I am so sorry. What time is it?”

“Don’t worry about it. I would take a night off if I could, too.” He smiled, pushing my hair from my face.

“I called him.”

His smile faded and worry took over.

“I thought you might have. I wish you would have let me be with you.”

“I needed to do this on my own. Tucker. I can handle it.”

His finger traced the puffy skin under my eye.

“Clearly.”

“I’m fine. I promise. You don’t need to worry. He wants to see me.”

The muscles in Tucker’s jaw began to tick under his skin and I knew he wasn’t fond of the idea.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“He has a family.” That seemed to shock Tucker because his eyes widened before his nostrils flared. “It’s okay. I’m happy for him. I have a family now, too.” I was grinning from ear to ear, loving the sound of it.

“You always have, Cass. You have me; you have all of us. You never had to be alone.” His thumb slid back and forth over my cheekbone.

“I know that, Tucker. But I owe it to him and to me to get to know him again.”

“I’d like to come with you when you do go to see him.”

I nodded and he pulled my face closer, placing a kiss on my forehead before pulling my entire body closer to cuddle me. I loved lying in his arms. I felt safe, and no matter what thoughts raced in my head, my heart was full.

I placed my palm on Tucker’s chest, feeling his strong, steady heartbeat under my fingertips as I drifted back off into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning I awoke before the guys as usual and slipped out of bed to make some coffee and work on a new song to help get out some of the feelings. I yawned, my eyes connecting with Donna who was sitting at the table reading over a newspaper.

She looked back down at what she was reading as if she hadn’t even noticed me. I needed to try to make things right between us and let her know that I had nothing but good intentions. I wanted this band together more than anyone and worked hard to keep it that way. Maybe if she saw where I was coming from, she would let up a little bit with her attitude. It was making life on the bus miserable for everyone.

I reluctantly made my way to the small kitchen area and began to prepare a pot of coffee.

“Would you like a cup?” I asked, turning to look at her. She held up her expensive frothy drink, not bothering to glance in my direction. I rolled my eyes as I turned back to the counter. I suddenly felt like I was back in the diner with a bitchy customer who thought she was too good to acknowledge my existence. It was becoming increasingly hard to not give her a piece of my mind.

“Thank you anyway,” she said, and just like that, the tension fizzled out of me and I took a deep calming breath. I poured my coffee and dropped in a few ice cubes. I took a seat directly across from her. She glanced up at me, waiting for me to say something.

“I think we got off on the wrong foot,” I began, but she held up her hand to stop me.

“This isn’t personal, Cass. I can tell you are probably a good person and you and Tucker are caught up in this . . . puppy love. I think that is wonderful. Truly. But this is a business, and your relationship is not good for business. Tucker won’t be focused and the fans will turn against him and you. If you loved him, you would be on the first flight back to whatever trailer park he picked you up at.”

I knew my mouth was hanging open just waiting to catch flies, but I couldn’t even begin to form a response that didn’t involve me kicking this woman’s ass. She smiled and that just made it worse. I glanced down at my cup and for a brief second entertained the idea of giving her a French roast shower. Her gaze followed mine, and her eyes narrowed.

“This isn’t just me, Cass. The band and I have discussed it.” She lowered her voice as she leaned in closer. “Everyone knows you shouldn’t be here, even Tucker. Unfortunately, he cares about you enough that he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. It’s sweet, really.”

I was certain my heart stopped beating. It clenched painfully in my chest, and the air was knocked out of my lungs.

“I’m going to run some errands. This was a good talk.” She winked and slid out of her seat. She slipped off of the bus, leaving me alone to self-destruct. I glanced down at the paper that she had left behind. It was a large picture of the guys from last night’s show. Tucker had a girl on each side with his arms draped around their shoulders, a big smile on his face. I knew in my heart it was probably just fans wanting a photo op, but Donna’s words kept replaying on a loop in my head.

I didn’t know if I was strong enough to handle this anymore.

I didn’t know how long I sat there, staring off at the picture before I crumpled it up and shoved it in the small trash can under the kitchen sink. I was leaning over the counter with my eyes closed when a hand fell on my hip.

“Good morning,” Tucker said as he kissed my cheek and walked around me to grab a coffee cup. “How’d you sleep?” He poured the dark, rich liquid into the mug.

“Fine.” I turned to face him and gave him a smile. He narrowed his eyes as he took a sip of his drink. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just thinking of that call with my dad.”

He smiled as he took a step closer and put a hand on my shoulder.

“Everything is going to be fine.”

I nodded but didn’t know what else to say. Suddenly everything felt different. Once again I found myself doubting where I fit into his life.

“I know I was kind of a dick about it, but I think you should go see him. You were right. He’s your dad. He deserves a second chance.”

That didn’t help. Was he trying to get rid of me? I felt like I was ready to vomit.

“Yeah. I think that would be good.”

“Pills,” Eric yelled from his bunk, and Tucker laughed, shaking his head. I was happy to put an end to the painfully awkward conversation. I dug through the cupboard and grabbed Eric’s medication and a bottle of water from the tiny fridge.

I walked back to his bunk and stuck my hand just inside the curtain.

“Jesus Christ,” Eric squealed as the ice-cold bottle came in contact with his bare chest.

“Sorry!” It was just one of those days.

I slipped into the bathroom and pulled the door closed, leaning over the sink and slowly raising my eyes to look at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t that weak little girl from the trailer park. I could get past this. But my heart still felt like it had been crushed by Donna’s words, and seeing that picture of Tucker caused it to crumble. I wanted to run away. I needed to escape everything that was hurting me deep inside and figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. I needed to see my father. The escape would give me a much-needed break from the tour and get to know my father again. How could I ever really know myself without knowing where I came from? I turned on the sink and splashed water on my face, grimacing at the heavy bags under my eyes. At least they weren’t bruises. I had come a long way and needed to remember that.

A light tapping at the door pulled me from my pity party. I slid it open to see Tucker leaning against the wall and grinning.

“Want some company?” He winked and my heart melted.

“I was thinking about some breakfast.” I walked around him, grinning.

“Fine. We can do dessert later.”

I grabbed some fresh clothes from the cabinets beside our bunks. I barely had any space for my belongings now that Donna had taken over the large room at the back of the bus.

“What’s wrong?” Tucker asked as he grabbed clothes from his compartment. I realized I had been scowling as I thought of her.

“Nothing. Just not sure what to wear.”

“Sarah really is rubbing off on you.” He laughed and I threw a shirt at him and he ducked out of the way. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a purple tank top and stood just as Donna entered the bus. She froze, watching me.

“Leaving?” she asked with a raised eyebrow. I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Going out for breakfast. Want to come?” Tucker was completely oblivious to the tension between us.

“No.” She sank down onto the kitchen table bench as she looked around. “What happened to my paper?”

Tucker and I walked between the bunks toward the front door.

“We’re running low on toilet paper. I would check the bathroom,” I said.

Eric chuckled loudly from his bunk and I smirked, making sure to look her in the eye as I passed.

“You guys all right?” Tucker asked as we stepped out into the parking lot. “I know she isn’t exactly warm to the idea of you being here.”

I put my arms around his neck and stared into his deep-blue eyes.

“Everything is perfect as long as I’m with you.” I gave him a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling him across the lot to a Denny’s that sat on the other side of the highway.

I never got to finish my coffee and was in desperate need to fill up on caffeine. I wasn’t going to think about any of the drama until I was properly awake and thinking more clearly. Rash decisions had hurt those I loved in the past, and I wouldn’t make those mistakes again. Tucker didn’t deserve to be the victim of my fears; I owed it to him to work it out.

“I want something sugary.”

I laughed, looking up at the man I had fallen so hard for. It was hard to sit in this diner and not remember the first day he showed up in my diner. It felt like a lifetime ago and so much had changed, but I still got butterflies in my stomach when he smiled at me.

“I like this.”

He pulled his eyebrows together, not sure of what I meant.

“I like spending time with you alone without all the outside . . .”

“Bullshit?” He smiled, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yes. I like it when we are alone,” I replied honestly.

“I like our alone time, too.” He raised his eyebrow.

“I’m serious. I miss this. Sneaking off to be by ourselves . . . it’s nice.”

“Why don’t we plan an escape? Get a hotel room or something.”

“I’d love that.”

“Can I get you something to drink?” the waitress asked, and I blushed, not realizing she had been standing at the edge of our table.

“Orange juice for me, please.”

“Chocolate milk.” Tucker gave her his jaw-dropping grin, and my mind flashed to the image from the newspaper. I shook the thought from my mind and plastered a smile on my face. I needed to trust him. I couldn’t let Donna get inside of my head. But it wasn’t Donna. The picture was there in black and white. That was it. The seed had been planted in a moment of weakness, and now it was festering, sprouting into a full-blown meltdown.

“I’ll also take a coffee, black,” I said with my eyes watching Tucker. His eyebrows scrunched together as he stared at me. The waitress went to grab our drinks.

“How is the writing going?”

“It’s going.” I could feel myself closing off, and I felt powerless to fight against it.