Forgiving Lies

19

Rachel

JUST AS I was raising my shirt over my head, there was a knock on the door and I barely had time to push the material back down before it opened to reveal Candice.

“Hey,” she said softly.

I hated that tone. Everyone in my life, including Candice and her parents, had used that tone on me the entire year after my parents died. It’d been months since the incident with Blake, and they were still using this tone with me. Like I was going to break if they spoke to me like a normal human being. He was her cousin. I almost wanted to give her the tone right back and ask how she liked it.

“Hey.”

“What are you up to?” she asked quietly as she walked into my room and lay down on my bed.

“I was just about to take a shower.”

“What are you doing after?”

And this was now the norm as well. What are you doing, what are you eating, why are you going to sleep, why don’t you want to come out with us . . . next she was going to ask why I was still wearing clothes.

“I’m probably going to go to sleep.”

“Okay, that’s fine.”

Fine? It was almost midnight. “What are you doing, Candi?” Yeah . . . I flipped that shit around onto you. How does it feel?

“Just checking on you.”

“Ah.” This was awkward. “You know, it’s been three months. I’m okay.”

She sat up from her sprawled-out position on my bed. “I know you are, I just—I wish you . . .”

“Wish I would what?” What more could I do? I’d kept my job. I’d gone to a therapist like Janet had begged me to. I wasn’t sitting in the corner rocking back and forth talking about the boogeyman that was coming to get me. I really didn’t understand what else they could expect of me.

“Rachel, I’ve been talking to Mason—”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Candice, we talked about this!”

“He’s miserable, Rach! Mason’s worried about him. His parents are worried about him. The chief made him take some time off because he’s just not the same.”

My chest tightened and I sucked in air quickly through my teeth. Turning so my back was facing her, I blinked rapidly until my vision was no longer blurry. “He lied to me about everything. I can’t—why am I even talking about him right now?” I huffed a pathetic attempt at a laugh. “No more.” Besides, he hasn’t even tried to contact me.

“Rachel, you told him not to talk to you!”

Shit, did I say that out loud?

“I know.” I sighed heavily. “I know I did. And I don’t want him to, but he—he didn’t even try to fight for us after. He left and that was it. My word, I’m being such a girl.” Leaning against the wall so I was facing Candice again, I crossed my arms under my chest and worried my bottom lip. “I wasn’t playing games with him, and I’m still not. I wasn’t testing him to see what he would do. When I told him I wanted him to go and not come back, I meant it. But the fact that he did it is killing me now.”

“You still love him, right?”

A pained laugh escaped me. “Of course I do. I always will.”

“Then call him, I have his real number! You’re both miserable, this is stupid.” She grabbed my phone off my nightstand and started walking toward me.

“I can’t, it’s not that simple.”

“Yeah, actually, it is!”

I pushed the hand that was holding my phone away. “Candice, no. What he did is unforgivable. I’m still in love with him, but that doesn’t change what he did and what he could do to me again. I almost married him without knowing his real last name. How would he have even done that? Just continued to act like his last name was Hendricks forever?” I snorted. Snorting was good. It helped me not break down into a crying mess in front of her right now. “I’m done talking about this, and I’m done talking about him.”

Candice looked like she wanted to argue, but she just nodded her head, dropped my phone on the bed, and gave me a hug before leaving the room. I waited until I heard the TV turn on before going to remove my clothes. I’d never had an issue with changing around Candice; we grew up with each other, it was normal for us. But if Candice was already acting weird anyway, seeing the scars her cousin had put on me was sure to make her start sobbing and apologizing to me over and over again. I didn’t want that. I had been upset when she didn’t believe me about Blake raping me, but I knew she had blinders on and thought Blake was perfect. None of what happened had been her fault; I didn’t blame her and hated when she blamed herself.

Taking a deep breath, I looked up at the mirror, and my chin trembled when I saw myself. It never got easier. In fact, I’m pretty sure it got harder. At least when the cuts had been fresh, I could make myself believe they would go away. But now that they’d all turned into scars, there was no way to keep telling myself that. But at least the haunting memories behind them were growing smaller each time.

For the first two months of therapy, I’d gone twice a week, and for the last month it’d only been once a week. I’d had my last session with Dr. Markowitz a few days ago, and I owed a lot to that woman. I’d never wanted to go to therapy after my parents’ death, and I wouldn’t have gone after what happened with Blake. But I was so glad Candice’s mom had all but forced me into a car and driven me there before they went back to California. Dr. Markowitz had helped me accept what had happened and learn to move on from it. I knew I couldn’t be afraid of something like this happening again, and most importantly, I knew I couldn’t blame myself for what had happened to Kash and Mason, Jenn, or the other three girls who were victims in the Carnation Murders.

Jason Ruiz was the man hired to follow Kash, and from what he said after he was arrested, the sentence Blake had said when he was supposed to be calling Ruiz off had been the signal to take Blake, Kash, and Mase out. Blake was disturbed, but he was smart. He made sure he would never go down for what he did. I just needed to be thankful for bulletproof vests, and for the fact that Kash had turned toward Mason at the last second so nothing major was hit.

After our apartment had been swept for cameras and bugs and the Jenkins family had gone back to California, Candice and I moved back in and I’d immediately looked up the Carnation Murders. I don’t know how I’d never heard of them, and I felt sick knowing every one of them was done by Blake and was because of me. I studied the pictures of the three women for hours, blown away by the similarities between them and me, and spent days grieving for their families and for the girls whose lives were cut too short all because they were unlucky enough to look like me. Getting past that guilt took five sessions with Dr. Markowitz and Candice hiding my phone and laptop from me for a few weeks so I couldn’t search anymore.

But I knew now that Blake was just a sick man. Always had been. I couldn’t blame myself for what he’d done to other women just like I couldn’t blame myself for what he’d done to me.

I looked down at the three-inch scars on each of my wrists and then glanced back up at the mirror as I traced the diagonal scars going across my torso before letting my fingers trail over the small scarred MINE on the left side of my chest. My breaths were shaky, but there were no tears. I wasn’t in danger of hyperventilating or passing out as I had many times after I first saw what Blake had done to me. This was part of my own therapy, facing the nightmare that was on my body until I was no longer hit with flashes of that early morning.

No flashes. No memories of Blake’s chilling words as I waited for someone to save me.

I smiled softly to myself and turned the shower on. Getting better all the time.

Kash

“COME ON IN, Ryan.”

I shut the door behind me and took a seat across from Chief. “Good afternoon, sir.”

“How are you holding up?”

I wanted to laugh out loud. I wasn’t. “Uh, I’m getting there.”

He nodded and tapped his pen against a stack of papers as he studied me. “Did your vacation help at all?”

“It gave me time to think, and that’s why I’m here.” Straightening in the chair, I took a deep breath and tried to hold his stare. “I think I should resign.”

The tapping pen stopped immediately. “Excuse me?”

“I didn’t do my job the way I should have. I let my relationship get in the way of what I was supposed to be doing, and because of that, someone got hurt.”

“Your fiancée.”

Ex. “Yes. If I had remained focused on what I was there for, none of that would have happened. We would have most likely caught West long before he could do anything.”

“You know, I spoke with Gates before I told you to take your vacation. He said you were blaming yourself for this, and I’ve got to tell you, I disagree with your assessment of the situation.” I started to argue but he continued. “I spoke with Detective Ryder in Austin, and from what he said, both you and Gates went above and beyond what was asked of you. You were supposed to be there looking for the killer at the bars, and I was told you would go in early and look through all the cameras, checking even the people who paid cash. That’s hours of extra work every week you weren’t asked to do and that weren’t expected of you. Ryder said he didn’t have a clue you were even dating someone, let alone engaged, until the meeting setting up the takedown of Blake West. That doesn’t sound like someone who lost focus on his job.”

“But, Chief—”

“And when I spoke with Gates, he told me about how your fiancée was being stalked by this same guy, and while you were doing your job, you were trying to take care of that without her knowing she was being stalked and without giving away your position. Both Ryder and Gates agree that if it had not been for you, Rachel Masters wouldn’t have been found in time. And Blake West would more than likely be a ghost to us. So I’m sure you can understand why I do not agree with you.”

Why didn’t anyone else understand this? “I let her—”

“Ryan, tell me something.” He waited until I was looking at him again before speaking. “Do you enjoy what you do?”

I sighed. “Of course I do.”

“And you like working in the gang division now?”

“I do.” To be honest, it was perfect.

“Then I’m not letting you quit. I can’t imagine how hard it must be that your fiancée went through that, but you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re good at what you do, I’m proud to have you and Gates working for me. Until you decide you hate it here or you find something better, I’m not going to let you leave.”

I ground my jaw and nodded once.

“Anything else?”

“No, Chief.”

“Then get your ass out of my office. You still have two days of vacation left.”

WHEN I GOT back to the apartment late that night, Mason was being more awkward than usual. I slammed the beer down on the coffee table and glared at him. “Can I help you? You’ve been staring at me for five minutes straight.”

“Did your dad say anything . . . about . . .”

“Jesus, Mase. About Rachel? Did he say anything about Rachel? Yeah, he did. So did Mom, and I know you probably put them up to it. But you have got to let it go; she wanted me gone.” Grabbing my beer again, I stood and headed for my room.

Three and a half months later, and I was worse now than when we’d moved back here. I snapped at everyone, I was in a constant state of being pissed off, and I spent hours each day thinking about everything I wished I could do over again. For the first couple months, I told myself I just had to give her time . . . wait for her to come back to me. But even Mason had stopped saying she would come around. Now he just kept trying to get me to go to her.

I froze and glared at the new addition to my bed for almost an entire minute before setting my beer on the dresser and walking over. I knew what would be in the black velvet box even though I hadn’t given Mason the box too. Picking it up in my left hand, I flipped the top open and snapped it shut again when I saw Rachel’s engagement ring nestled in the satin. Fisting my hand over the box, I put the hand to my mouth and grabbed the picture that had been lying underneath the box.

I don’t remember what had been happening; I don’t think we’d even realized someone had taken the picture. But we were in the girls’ apartment, Rachel was grabbing my shirt like she’d been pulling me toward her, and I had her cheeks cupped in my hands and was kissing her hard. Pain radiated through my body and I had to force my hand not to crumple up the picture.

My breaths came hard and fast through my nose as I turned and stormed back into the living room. “The fuck is this? Where did you get this?”

Mason leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms. “Candice sent the picture.”

“Why?”

“Kash, you can’t keep doing this to each other.”

I scoffed and turned back toward my room before spinning right back around and pointing the picture at myself. “I’m only doing exactly what she asked me to!”

“You’re both too damn stubborn to get over your own problems with the situation, but you both want each other. This is so fucking stupid! Grow a pair and go get her!”

Crumpling up the picture, I dropped it and the box on the sofa. “Mase, this ends. Now.”

Rachel

I STOOD UNSTEADILY and waited for the feeling to come back into my legs before bending over and pressing my fingers to my lips and then the headstones. “Bye, Mom and Dad,” I whispered, and wiped the tears from my cheeks as I made my way back to Candice’s car, which I’d borrowed.

It’d taken me almost four and a half years to finally visit my parents’ graves, but I’d done it. I was happy I had gone and spent hours talking to them instead of writing today; it almost felt like I’d just gotten closure that I hadn’t realized I’d needed. I let my right hand trail over my worn journal sitting in the passenger seat next to me and smiled. I would always be glad I had finally gone, but my journals were all I needed. They helped me feel connected to my parents in a way those headstones never could.

Turning the car off when I got into the driveway of the Jenkins home, I stepped out and zipped up my hoodie as the cooler January air hit me and started making my way across the long walkway. It wasn’t freezing by any means—this was Southern California—but they were having a lot cooler weather than Texas had been having when we left. I was thankful for it though; I was able to hide the scars on my arms from Candice and her family much more easily this way.

Eli opened the door before I got there and flashed a crooked smile as I quickened my pace and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Candice told me where you went,” was all he said after he kissed the top of my head. And I knew he wouldn’t say anything else; that’s just how he was. So I smiled and turned us to walk into the house.

“Yeah, and it was good. I’m glad I did it. Did you bring Paisley with you?”

Eli’s face lit up at the mention of his girlfriend and I loved seeing that look on him. He’d always dated a lot of girls, but we didn’t meet many of them, and if we did it was usually by accident. But Paisley had come with him to all the holiday dinners, plus some others, over the last week and a half, and it wasn’t hard to see that Eli adored her.

“I did, Mom’s trying to teach her to cook right now . . . so I’m staying out of the kitchen.”

I laughed and bumped his side as I removed my jacket and made sure my wrists were still covered by my long-sleeved shirt.

“She’s moving in with me as soon as her lease ends next month,” he said a little sheepishly.

“Really? Eli, that’s great!”

His eyes flickered over toward the kitchen and he smiled again. “Yeah, I think so too. You know, I finally realized one day that if I didn’t grab her for myself, someone else would. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of her with anyone but me.”

My forehead creased as he led me back toward the bedrooms. I’d already heard all about him and Paisley getting together. She’d been in love with him for years, and he’d been too stupid to realize or do anything about it until just recently. So why was he telling me this again?

“I hadn’t realized how empty I was without her until the moment it hit me that I might not be able to spend the rest of my life with her.”

“I know, Eli . . .” I drew the words out slowly as we walked. “I really am happy for you.” Is he questioning that? I laughed softly, trying to lighten the conversation. “I’m glad you finally pulled your stubborn head out of your ass.”

“Glad you feel that way, sis,” he said with the most serious expression as he put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me in front of him.

I turned to see Candice staring at me expectantly, and my mouth popped open to ask what was going on when Eli suddenly pushed me down in Candice’s chair at her desk. “Sheesh, Eli. What is wrong with you?”

His hands let up a little on my shoulders but didn’t move away, and Candice came to my side to fully open the half-closed laptop on her desk. As soon as I focused on the screen, I tried to stand up, but Eli slammed me back down, not even trying to be gentle.

“What is this?”

Candice and Eli snorted. It was so identical it was creepy. And the Skype version of Mason on the laptop smiled softly. “Just part two of our intervention.” When I narrowed my eyes at him, his smile turned sheepish. “Hey there, sweetheart.”

My eyes started burning and my throat tightened. Oh my word, what is wrong with me? I blinked quickly and crossed my arms under my chest as I tried to hold my glare. “What do you want, Mase?”

“I want to know if you’re still in love with my best friend.”

“I’m not.”

“Liar,” all three said at once.

“You’re miserable,” Eli said at the same time Candice huffed. “You just told me last month you would always love him.”

“Traitors,” I whispered, and looked back to Mason since he was being quiet.

He just continued to look at me for what felt like minutes before saying anything. “I can see it in your eyes, Rach. They’re the same as Kash’s. Empty.”

“It’s the lens on the laptop.” I shrugged, but it was an awkward movement since Eli was still holding me to the chair. “Makes everyone look like that.”

“Bullshit. So next question.”

“Ha. No, one was more than enough. We’re done, Mason.” I tried to stand but Eli wasn’t letting me budge. I unlocked my arms and reached for the laptop, but Candice smacked them down and pushed the laptop out of my reach.

“Why are you still doing this to each other? He’s miserable without you. Do you know that he tried to quit his job? That’s how fucked up he is right now, Rach.”

“That’s not my problem!” I snapped. “He lied to me. He let me believe all of these false things about both of you, and you know what, Mase? I’m mad at you too! You were going to let me marry him when you knew I didn’t know a damn thing about him? You told me I reminded you of your sister; would you let your sister do something like that— Wait. Do you even have a sister?!”

“I do, she’s a year older than you. We told you as many truths as we could, Rachel. I was pissed when the two of you got engaged—not because I didn’t want you together,” he hurried to say, “but because of the fact that we were still undercover and you didn’t know who we really were. He fell for you hard and fast; nothing was going to be enough until you were completely his, and he got caught up in it. He wouldn’t have married you before you knew everything, I know that for a fact. I promise you, he’s killing himself for ever keeping anything from you.”

I wanted to say something like good but I couldn’t. I hated that Kash was miserable. I hated what he’d done to me, but the fact that he was hurting . . . hurt me more.

“But you don’t understand, Rach. When we came to Austin, we were hiding from a hit placed on both of us for some undercover work we did here in Florida. We didn’t have a choice about going by false names; we didn’t even have a choice about moving to Austin. We had to leave the night we found out about it. Because of the case we were on, we were going undercover again, to find the Carnation killer. Our jobs were set up for us; once again, we didn’t have a say, but this is what Kash and I did for close to four years. We would go undercover, and we would be whatever they needed us to be. And once the hit on us was gone, we both agreed we still couldn’t let you girls know, it was too dangerous. Obviously.”

I winced and Mason grimaced.

“Kash tried to fight his feelings for you in the beginning, though. I swear he was constantly lecturing me on why we can’t have relationships, and I know it was to try to remind himself why he couldn’t be with you. But he’s never met anyone like you, he couldn’t stay away from you . . . and I know all you see is that he lied to you, but you didn’t see how much the lies killed him during the time you two were together. Like I said, I was mad when he told me you were engaged, and I know that’s one of the things that hurts you the most. Try to look at it from his side though: with the kind of undercover work we’ve done, and just being in law enforcement in general, we see a lot of death. We know life is short. So we don’t waste it.”

“But he shouldn’t—”

“Hold on, Rach . . . let me finish. There was this girl Kash had dated for a long time, and he told me he was going to ask her to marry him when we got out of our first undercover assignment. By the time we got out, she was engaged to someone else. He never once looked at Megan the way he looked at you, and when he found out about her engagement, he wished her the best, knowing the other guy could give her the life she needed. Sure, he was upset, but it was nothing compared to what is happening to him still after all these months without you. So try to see it from his side, and know that he’d found the girl who meant the world to him. He wanted it all with you. Should he have waited to ask you to marry him until you knew the truth? Yeah, he should’ve. But he didn’t; he was too in love with you to wait.”

Silent tears were streaming down my face and I brought up my hands to try to wipe them away, but it was useless. They wouldn’t stop.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I spoke softly. “I just don’t know, Mason. He—what he did hurt me worse than anything has in my life. And he could easily do it again.”

I watched as he reached forward and guessed he was touching my image on the screen. “I can promise you all day long that he wouldn’t. But you’re the one who has to decide to trust him. I know you’re hurting, sweetheart . . . he is too. None of us can stand this for either of you. I’ve tried to get him to go to you, but he won’t. He thinks that he’s hurt you enough for one lifetime and that his job is too dangerous for you. He honestly believes he can’t give you a life you deserve. He’s always going to blame himself for what happened to you.” He ended on a whisper.

A sob broke through and I buried my face in my hands.

“Rach, one of you has to end this, and he thinks he’s protecting you by staying away.”

My chest tightened in pain and a wave of what can only be described as the deepest sorrow I’ve ever known washed over my body. This full-body ache had become so familiar to me over the last four months, but it never once got any easier to deal with. Each time it knocked the air from my body just as it had the first time, and every time it took a little longer for the ache to subside.

Can people die from a broken heart?

I don’t think so. But I do know that when you keep yourself, or are kept, from the person who holds your heart, your body cripples under the knowledge that it isn’t whole and won’t be until you’re with them again.

Minutes passed as I stayed curled in on myself, and at some point, Eli pulled me up into his arms and sat back in the chair with me in his lap. “Rach,” he whispered, “I finally pulled my head out of my ass . . . are you ready to do the same?”