Forgiving Lies

Prologue Rachel

I NERVOUSLY FLIPPED my long hair over my shoulders and smoothed my hands down my shirt a few times as I took deep breaths in and out. My back was to Kash’s truck, hiding me from his parents’ house while I collected myself, but I was starting to consider taking off running. Why the hell did I buy and wear heels today?

“Rach?” He laughed when he came around the truck and caught sight of me. “What are you doing? You look amazing.”

I grimaced when I glanced down at my dark, skinny jeans and electric blue top that I’d gone out to buy today, since I hadn’t brought any clothes to Florida that I’d deemed acceptable to meet his parents in. “It’s not the clothes.”

He grabbed my chin and tilted my head back until I was looking at him, and waited until I stopped fidgeting. “They’re going to love you,” he assured me as he brushed his lips across mine. “You have nothing to worry about.”

“How can you say that? I was engaged to their son without ever meeting them, they hardly knew I existed, Kash.” And I got their son shot . . . I knew it wasn’t my fault, my therapy sessions with Dr. Markowitz at the end of last year had helped me realize that. But that didn’t mean Kash and Mason’s family would feel the same. “Honestly, at the time I just thought you weren’t close with them, it didn’t seem weird to me because, well . . . because I didn’t have parents for you to meet either. But now—”

“Stop. You’re overthinking this, they know everything that happened now, and you have no idea how excited my mom was when I called her this morning to tell her you were here. Right now, they’re just happy because they know I’ve been miserable without you. But, babe, they’re going to love you.”

I exhaled roughly and nodded my head. “Okay, let’s do this.”

“That’s my girl.” He kissed me hard before wrapping his arm around my waist and walking me toward the house. “I mean, honestly, how could they not love you and your bitchy personality?”

“You’re such an asshole, Kash,” I hissed at the same second the front door opened and his mom stepped out. Oh good Lord, kill me now. This is where I need to run away.

Mrs. Ryan’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline and Kash tried to choke back his laugh but failed miserably. It felt like my stomach was simultaneously on fire and dropping. Not a good feeling, I was going to be sick. I was the freaking Queen of first impressions with the Ryan family. When I’d met Kash at the beginning of last summer, I’d been a bitch to the extreme and our first three run-ins had gone over about as well as a bale of turtles in a sprinting race. Now there I was cussing in front of his mom in the first seconds of ever seeing her.

I started feeling lightheaded as I held my breath waiting for Mrs. Ryan to tell me I was not good enough for her son, or to reprimand me. Instead, she crossed her arms over her chest and leveled a glare at Kash that impressed even me.

“What on earth did you say to the poor girl?”

He raised his hands in surrender before wrapping his arm around me again. “No clue what you’re talking about. And why do you automatically think it had to be something I did?”

“Because I know you, Logan.”

“Eh . . . so anyway. Mom, this is Rachel. Rachel, this is my mom.”

She brushed back a chunk of black hair that had fallen into her eyes and smiled brightly at me. I still felt like I was frozen and didn’t know how to breathe properly. “Rachel, it’s so good to meet you, honey!”

I almost blurted out, “But I just called your son an asshole right in front of you!” Instead, I plastered a smile on my face and tried to relax my body as Kash let go of me and she wrapped me in a hug. “It’s nice to meet you too. Thank you for having us for dinner.”

“Of course”—and then softer so only I could hear—“he gets the obnoxious, asshole gene from his father. But, unfortunately, its one of the things I love most about my guys. You just get used to it and become a master at slyly flipping them off with a smile.”

My eyes widened and I blinked rapidly as we pulled away from each other. Is she being serious?

She smiled at me again and kissed Kash on the cheek before slapping his shoulder. “Be nice to her, she just got here! But always remember this, honey, the minute Richard and Logan stop giving you a hard time, is the minute they stop loving you. So, as long as he’s pissing you off, you know he loves you. Now come on, your dad just started the grill and I’m going to make margaritas for Rachel and me. Oh, do you like margaritas?”

I nodded and then had to shake my head to get my mind working properly again. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do, I love them.”

“Well then, I think we’re going to get along just fine. C’mon, now!” She turned and walked into the house, and Kash pulled me into his side, his lips going to my ear.

“Now was that so bad?”

“Aside from the fact that the first time your mom saw me, I was cussing . . . I think I just fell in love with her.”

He laughed low and pulled me into the house. “Just wait ’til you meet my dad.”

1 Kash

“RACH, DO YOU really need this many shoes?” I watched as she unpacked the third box in our closet, and wondered how any person could ever have a need for that many pairs of shoes.

Her hand stopped mid-way to the shelf with another pair, and her bright blue glare turned on me. I took a step back.

“Are you actually asking me that right now?”

“Say no,” my dad whispered from behind me. “ ’Course it wasn’t, Rachel. He’s just mad that he won’t have anywhere to put his sparkly hooker heels.”

Rachel laughed and went back to putting her dozens of shoes away. “No worries about that one, Rich. I put them up already, they even have their own little place away from everything so they don’t get ruined.”

My mom pushed through Dad and me to get into the closet with an armful of clothes to hang up. “Really, Logan. Give the girl a break, I have more shoes than this.”

“Oh, Marcy! I forgot to tell you—”

“Is this gonna be a long story?” Dad drawled, cutting Rachel off.

“Actually, it is,” she snapped right back with a playful smirk. “So get comfy!” As soon as she launched into her story about whatever the hell those two always talked excitedly about, my dad turned and gave me a shove.

“Have I taught you nothing when it comes to women?” he asked softly.

“What? That’s a shit ton of shoes!” I hissed and looked back to see her pull more out. I swear this last box was like Mary Poppins’s purse. It was a never-ending pit of shoes.

“Okay, we’re gonna do this quick and easy. One, your woman can never have too many shoes, clothes, purses or jewelry. Two, it doesn’t matter if you know you’re right—because God knows your mother is wrong about . . . well . . . just about everything—but it doesn’t matter. They are always right. Just say a simple, ‘Yes sweetheart, I’m sorry I’m a dumbass’ and you’ll be fine. Three, them asking if they look okay is a trick question. Because, let’s face it, even if we think it’s the ugliest shirt we’ve ever seen, it’s probably in style and we wouldn’t know either way. So they always look amazing, remember that word.”

I laughed. Rachel did always look amazing. She could wear a sack and I would think that . . . or nothing. I preferred her in nothing.

“Four, and probably the most important if you want to keep your manhood, do not ever ask if she is PMS-ing. No matter what. Might as well dig your own grave if you do that.”

Too late. I was always asking Rach if that’s why she was in a bad mood. And if I was right, there was no way in hell I was going to tell her I was in the wrong. She could bitch about it if she wanted, but I wasn’t going to go easy on her for the sake of getting out of an argument. Arguing with her was one of my favorite things.

Nodding, I slapped my dad’s shoulder and smiled. “Thanks, Dad, I’ll remember all that.”

“. . . have to go back and see if they’re still there.” Mom was excited about something, and from the look of it, Rachel was too.

“Yeah, we do! Anyway, I just had to tell you about that, I knew you’d flip,” Rach mumbled as she flattened the last box of shoes. Thank God Mary Poppins’ box had officially emptied out.

“That was a lovely story,”—Dad drawled again—“and you tell it so well, with such enthusiasm.”

Mom rolled her eyes and shook her head as she smiled, and Rachel just looked at my dad like she was about to let him have it. At the last second, her head jerked back. “Wait. Forrest Gump . . . really, Rich? You’re using Forrest Gump quotes to insult me?”

“You have met your match, honey!” Mom cheered, and Dad just huffed in annoyance toward them, but shot me a wink.

“She doesn’t put up with your bullshit or mine. Son, I’m telling you, you better hold on tight to that one.”

“I will, Dad. Rach, are you done with the shoes?”

“I’m not sure. If you bring up my shoes again, I could probably sit here and re-arrange them, maybe set them up by color, size of the heel, and length of the boot.”

“Woman, get out of the damn closet. I have to put this up, and if you coordinate your shoes, I swear to you they will be in a pile on the floor the next time you come in here.”

“Logan Kash Ryan!” Mom chided at the same time Rachel swore, “I will gut you.”

My little Sour Patch. So damn cute when she’s threatening my life.

“Wait, what are you putting up?” she asked as she walked out of the closet that could fit a car inside it.

“Fake wall.”

“Uh. Why?”

“Kind of like a really cheap safe room. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s just for you to hide behind if someone were to break in or something.”

She laughed loudly and kissed my throat. “Kash, really? You’re being just a little bit paranoid. We’re not putting up a fake wall.”

Before she could move away, I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. “I almost lost you once, I’ll be working shitty hours and there will be a lot of nights you’re here alone. This is for my peace of mind, don’t be difficult.”

“Nothing is going to—”

“Rachel, stop. We’re putting up the wall.”

“You’re being paranoid!”

I kissed her hard once before pushing her gently away. “I probably am, but I don’t care. With all the clothes hung up, you won’t even notice it’s there. And if something happens, it’s there for you to hide behind. I love you, but I’m getting my way on this, okay?”

She rolled her eyes and gave my mom a look that Mom clearly understood since she started laughing. “All right, Kash. If you want to put up the fake wall to help you sleep at night—err, to keep you happy when you’re away—then have at it.”

Rachel

“OH MY WORD this is going to be a disaster,” I whispered as I pulled yet another shirt off my body and threw it on the bed before heading back to the closet.

I was so done meeting people in Florida. I had already established I was the Queen of first impressions gone horribly wrong with Floridians, and I could only imagine this one going the same. And, to make it worse, it was Mason’s family. Which meant I got to meet another family of someone that got shot because of me. Well, Blake . . . but still.

I’d been in Florida for two weeks, and though we saw Mason practically every day, I had yet to meet his parents or sister. To be honest, I’d much rather go through meeting Kash’s mom and dad again. Other than the humiliating first few seconds of meeting Marcy, the dinner had gone smoothly and I absolutely loved both of them.

But this particular meeting? I had a bad feeling about it. Call it bad juju, paranoia, premonition or an omen. I’d had my first dream about Blake in over a month the night before, and to make matters worse, Kash had been gone because he’d gotten a call for work as we were getting ready for bed. Ever since I’d woken up in a cold sweat at three AM, I’d been positive that this dinner was going to go wrong on so many levels. Blake being one of them. I was ready for him to be gone from my life. It was ridiculous that even in death, he still found ways to torture me.

Now I was running fifteen minutes late and I still couldn’t find something that would cover all my scars. I didn’t pay a lot of mind to them now, but after the dream, it was like they were neon signs on my body screaming, “Look, look, look, look, looooooook!”

I grabbed a thin, long-sleeved shirt and threw it on, but the MINE on my chest was flashing its bitchy, bright lights at me; so I grabbed a button-up shirt and pulled it over. Even though the top buttons couldn’t button without looking all kinds of messed up because of the size of my chest, the collar still covered the little scar.

There. I’m ready now.

“Rach, what are you wearing? It’s hot outside.”

Don’t care. “It’s winter,” I reasoned as I caught Kash’s gaze in the mirror.

His gray eyes were heating as they trailed over my non-existent ass, and while I loved that he was appreciating the view, this was about to be an epic fail of a dinner. I wasn’t in the mood to be checked out right now. I was having a mini-freak out.

“Yeah, but it’s also seventy today. Take off the shirt underneath.”

“I’m fine.”

Wrapping an arm around my waist, he pulled me so my back was against his chest and brought his lips to the sensitive spot behind my ear. “I know you’re fine, but you’re gonna be too hot,” he whispered, his voice dropping even lower as he began slowly unbuttoning my shirt.

Goose bumps covered my body when the cool metal of his lip ring brushed against my skin, and I felt myself getting ready to say I would do whatever he asked of me. He was such a cheater. He knew what that ring did to me.

“Open your eyes, Rachel.”

I did as I was told and found his gunmetal gray eyes looking directly into mine. Even through the reflection of the mirror, I could feel the heat from them and sense the want. His hands trailed over my chest, waist, and stomach; the pressure so light I almost couldn’t feel it, but it was doing insane things to my stomach and my breathing quickly escalated. I watched as he slowly took my top shirt off, the movement of his hands so calculated and controlled, I felt like we had just entered some form of foreplay. If I’d thought I had wanted to stay home earlier, I was definitely all for skipping this dinner now.

After he tossed the first shirt onto the bed, his hands did their barely-there touches over the swell of my breasts and down my waist again until he hit the hem of the long-sleeved shirt. One hand slipped under, and a breathy whimper of need sounded in the back of my throat when his warm hand caressed my bare skin. He smiled against my neck and nipped on it lightly. I wanted to shut my eyes and enjoy every touch, but everything in me was screaming to watch the most erotic undressing I’d ever witnessed or been a part of.

Like with the first, his movements were slow and controlled as he pulled this shirt higher, but now he gave little teases of fingertips being brushed against my skin. By the time it was over my head and he was letting it fall to the ground, my entire body was on fire and I was practically panting with need.

“Rachel,” his voice traveled over my bare shoulder like a caress, and I let my bodyweight fall against him.

“Hmm?”

Suddenly he was gone and I stumbled back a step before catching myself. I turned to see where he’d gone and my button-up shirt hit me in the face.

“What the—”

“Get dressed, we gotta go.”

“The hell, Kash? You can’t do stuff like that to me and then stop!”

“Have you forgotten what frustration feels like?” He asked huskily and I wanted to punch him in the face.

“I hate you.”

His lips curved up into my favorite smirk and he winked. “I love you too, Sour Patch.”

Douche.

OKAY SO I GUESS I should be thankful that the meeting went off relatively smooth. Mason’s parents and sister were actually really nice, and although we’d gone through the mandatory introductions for me, Marcy and Richard had come to dinner also and made the introduction fast and flawless. I’d just kept my mouth shut for the first five minutes unless I was saying the customary hellos and it’s so nice to meet you toos, and I didn’t have anything to worry about.

Until dinner started anyway.

“So, Rachel,” Mrs. Gates began and took another sip of her tea before continuing. “We’ve heard bits and pieces of what happened in Texas from the boys. But you know how men are with details,” she teased.

Mother effing shit. Bad juju! I knew it!

“I’ve really been wanting to hear your side of what went down.”

I got your sons shot! I had to bite down on my cheek so I wouldn’t say something of that nature as I took a breath to collect my thoughts. “What went down at the end?”

“The whole time they were there. We had no clue where they even were and didn’t talk to them more than once or twice a month, so we don’t know what was happening.”

Memories of the few months in Texas with the guys went flying through my mind and I swallowed hard. I knew this was coming at some point, Marcy and Richard had never asked and I knew it was only a matter of time. But I was fine with never reliving those three months again.

Kash seemed to sense the unease pouring off me and stopped talking to Mason and Mr. Gates. “You okay?” he asked softly, and sat back when he realized the other half of the table was completely silent. “What’s going on?”

I looked up and caught Marcy and Richard giving me sympathetic looks. They had to want to know this too, and it hit me then that Kash must have told them not to ask me. There was no way we could have gone this many days together without them saying something unless he had talked to them.

“Nothing, I just asked Rachel to tell us her side of what happened in Tex—”

“No,” Kash stated firmly at the same time Mason hissed, “Mom!”

“What? Is it so wrong for us to want to know what went on there?” Mrs. Gates asked, and I couldn’t blame her.

“Rachel, you don’t have to say anything.”

“He’s right,” Kash agreed with Mason before whispering in my ear, “If you want to get out of here we can.”

“It’s fine, we can’t keep avoiding the elephant in the room, can we?”

His eyes shut tight and he exhaled roughly. “Babe, please—”

“Kash, they deserve to know what happened to you guys.”

When his eyes met mine they were pained, and I squeezed his hand tightly before looking back toward Kash’s parents and Mrs. Gates. “Where do you want me to start?”

There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Mrs. Gates spoke, “So, you knew the boys because they lived near you?”

“Yeah, they lived in the apartment directly across the hall from mine. My best friend, Candice, saw them moving in and introduced herself, we all went out for dinner that first night.”

“And you had no idea what they were really doing there?”

“Not at all, the only thing that seemed off to me was where they were from. Kash was kind of evasive with his answer, but I had my own secrets so I didn’t really push it. But Candice and I were in college, moving somewhere for a new start was kind of what everyone was doing after graduation anyway unless they went back to their hometowns . . . so I didn’t have a reason to think them being there and looking for work was weird.”

Mrs. Gates fidgeted a bit. “Mason told us they would have meetings a few times a week at the police department. Even when you started spending more time with them, you never noticed them going off to these meetings?”

I laughed softly thinking back to all the times the guys would up and leave suddenly. “At the time, they played it off well to the point I thought they were going to work out or something. After I found out about everything, it all made more sense though. They were good liars,” I teased and winked at Mason as I nudged Kash. Neither looked happy right now.

“They are very secretive, that’s for certain.” She rolled her eyes but still looked lovingly at both. “So tell us about Blake. We know the boys’ side, but I know that has to be so different from your experiences with him.”

Something that sounded dangerously close to a growl came from Kash and my eyes widened when I saw his murderous expression.

“Um, Blake was . . .” I trailed off and attempted to tear my eyes from Kash’s face to look back at Mrs. Gates. “He’s Candice’s cousin, I grew up with him.” The icy feeling that always accompanied thoughts of Blake began making it’s way through my veins, and I took deep breaths in as I spoke to keep myself calm. “I had a crush on him growing up, but he was so much older than me that it was just one of those schoolgirl crushes.”

“I didn’t know you’d known him before,” Marcy whispered, and after a glance in Kash’s direction, snapped her mouth shut.

“Yeah, we were all really close, but he left for the Air Force and I didn’t see or hear from him until fall of my junior year of college. He started working for the school and began asking me out immediately.” I waved a dismissive hand and tried to smile. “Long story, short, I finally agreed at the end of that school year and almost immediately there was a change in him. I didn’t want to keep dating him and—uh, some stuff happened between us right before the year ended. I met Kash and Mason just a couple weeks after that.”

From the sympathetic looks the majority of the people at the table were giving me, they knew exactly what had happened between Blake and me. Part of me felt . . . embarrassed. Knowing that they knew, wondering what they must think. Kash was gripping the table and staring off into nothing as I swallowed down my unfounded embarrassment and kept talking.

“I didn’t see or hear from him until the end of July, he showed up where Kash and I were working one night . . . and from there things just kind of escalated. Things kept going missing or being moved around in my apartment, he was always leaving me anonymous notes on my car when school started back up. But in front of anyone else, he was the perfect Blake everyone was in love with. And really—what he’d done in the apartment, none of it was anything bad, it was just enough for him to show me that he still had control over me. Like turning on the dishwasher with nothing in there when we’d all been gone for hours, putting out things in my kitchen to make pancakes because he knew Kash was always having me make them . . . just random, stupid things that separately were harmless. It was the fact that he was getting in and was watching us that closely without us realizing it that made it bad.

But, honestly, I didn’t even know that any of it had been Blake until the night before everything happened. I’d been blaming Mason and Kash, and then the next day he was there waiting for me when I came out of the administrative building from dropping my classes in an attempt to avoid him. He forced me to break up with Kash. He had one of his guys blow up Candice’s dad’s car as he was walking to it—I watched the whole thing on a live feed and Blake swore he would kill her parents first if I didn’t do what he wanted.”

My breathing had been escalating, but stopped altogether when Kash shoved away from the table and stalked out of the room. I swallowed roughly and tried to straighten my back from how I’d unknowingly curled in on myself.

“I think you all know the rest of what happened that night and the next morning,” I whispered and excused myself before going after him.

Even if Kash hadn’t left, there would be no sense in repeating what I was sure they already knew. That was the night and morning that brought everything crashing down. Kash and Mason had been undercover looking for a serial killer for the Carnation Murders while simultaneously keeping their lives from Candice and me, and making sure that Blake and the men he had stalking me couldn’t get close to me. Even with all that had happened between Blake and me, no one had been expecting him to be the murderer Kash and Mase had been looking for. And by the time the guys had found out, I was stuck in a studio apartment with him against my will. What happened later is what led to my body being permanently scarred before I could be saved.

But, Blake, well he had been insane, and smart . . . aren’t all the genius’ the crazy ones? He’d set it up so he wouldn’t do time for the crimes he’d committed, and he never would. Blake set up his own death, as well as Kash and Mason’s. I thank God every day that Mason had been wearing a bulletproof vest and Kash had turned at the last second so nothing major had been hit.

I found Kash outside pacing back and forth with his hands in his nearly black hair. When I stepped outside and shut the door behind me, he stopped pacing, and after a few seconds, turned to face me.

“I’ll never forgive myself for what he did—”

“Stop,” I begged and stepped up to him, wrapping my arms around his narrow waist. “Just stop. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“Rachel, I let all that happen to you!”

I had to blink back tears when I brought my left hand up to his right shoulder, then down a little onto his chest. Even through the shirt, I could feel the scarred skin from the gunshot wounds. “Then I let this happen to you,” I murmured and stared, fixated on my fingers as they lightly brushed against the fabric covering the scars.

He brushed strands of hair away from my face, and held my hair back. “No you didn’t, this had nothing to do with you.”

“It’s only fair; if what happened to me is your fault, then what happened to you is mine.”

A low growl built up in the back of his throat. “I was supposed to be protecting you, and I—”

I crushed my mouth to his to stop whatever he had been about to say, and waited until I felt his body relax beneath my fingertips. “It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t mine. We can’t keep doing this, Kash. We’re moving on with our lives and we’re moving on from what happened. Okay?”

He stayed silent as his gray eyes bounced back and forth between mine.

“No more blaming yourself,” I pleaded and kissed him softly again before letting my forehead rest against his.

“Fine.” He sighed heavily after another minute. “I’m sorry about their questions. They weren’t supposed to ask you anything about it. Mason and I told them that at least a dozen times.”

“Really it’s fine, they deserve to know. It’s a weird situation all around, and I had more information that they wanted . . . I’m sure they still want more details. But the details I have won’t change anything for them.”

Kash got silent again before pressing his lips to my forehead. “You’re amazing for reliving that . . . and you handled it well. But don’t feel like you need to answer their questions. Mase and I have answered enough. And that’s not what tonight was about. They’re like my second family, and they’ve been dying to meet you for months.”

“I like them. They’re really nice, and Maddie is hilarious. Another girl that doesn’t put up with your shit is great in my book.”

He laughed when I pushed against his toned stomach. “I’m sorry for getting frustrated.”

I took a few steps back and grabbed his hand to pull him with me. “Don’t be, let’s just go back in there and enjoy the rest of the night. Deal?”

He drew me back to his body and kissed me firmly. “Deal.”