More Than a Kiss

Lezebel

Amy was on her way to Chad’s room at the hospital. She knew he would be held hostage by pain medication, so what better time to confront him about his unwanted advances? “Unwanted advances” was the phrase Amy had substituted for what was really beginning to look like a severe case of stalking. She was starting to think that Chad wasn’t only missing a finger, but was also missing a few of his marbles.

As Amy neared his room, she saw the twins, Veronica and Valerie, peering through the rectangular window of his door. They were snickering and talking in hushed tones. Unbeknownst to them, Amy peered over their shoulders and through the window. Chad’s room was decorated entirely in lobster motif.

Jeremy had been good on his word. There were lobster lamps, nightlights, curtains, towels, blankets, throw rugs, and plastic/rubber lobsters everywhere. Chad was lying in bed, tossing and turning, intermittently moaning and whining as he slept. He was probably having a dream about giant lobsters chasing him. At least Amy hoped he was.

“I’ve never seen anyone with so little pain tolerance,” Veronica whispered. “He acts like he’s had major surgery.”

“It’s a finger not a pancreas,” Valerie said.

“I never figured him for such a pansy,” Amy said. Her already low opinion of Chad was dropping as rapidly as a runaway elevator.

The twins parted, allowing Amy into Chad’s room. She walked up next to his bed. “Chad?”

He stopped whimpering and opened his eyes. They were red and swollen. “Amy,” he breathed. “I knew you’d come.”

“I love what you’ve done with the room,” she said.

“God, how I’ve missed your sense of humor. I love the room. I know you did it to make me feel better – like making lemons out of lemonade.” He smiled and patted the bed beside him with his good hand.

Ignoring the gesture, Amy picked up his other hand and checked the bandage.

Chad said, “Will you still love me now that I have a freakish hand?”

“It’s a Mickey Mouse hand now,” Amy said. “Cartoon characters only ever have three fingers. You ever notice that?”

Chad tried to smile, then gave up. “Was that supposed to make me feel better?”

Amy slid into doctor mode. “The surgeon did a great job. He says you should regain most of your mobility. Do you have any feeling?”

“I feel your love for me.” He gazed at her with unfocused eyes. Amy realized he was completely and utterly looped.

“I meant do you have any tactile sensations in your finger,” she said.

He made a clumsy grab for her. “Come here, I want to kiss you. I want to marry you. Amy, oh my beautiful Amy.” He rolled toward her with outstretched arms. Amy took a step back and Chad wobbled on the edge of the bed. He teetered and then he tottered, caught in limbo between the safety of the bed and the danger of the hard floor. Instinctively, Amy reached out to save him from falling. But she was too late. Chad tottered too far, and fell, taking her down with him. She hit the floor first, cushioning his fall.

Lying prone of top of her, he looked into her eyes and said, “You little vixen. You couldn’t even wait until I was released from the hospital.”

“I think I’m getting sick,” Amy said. This position and Chad’s breath in her face brought back some very unpleasant memories.

“I knew you wanted me,” Chad said, nuzzling her neck.

“Get off of me.” Amy struggled but she couldn’t budge him.

Amy heard the door swing open. “Help me,” she muttered.

Jeremy’s face appeared over Chad’s shoulder. “Whoa, get a room, you two.”

“Hey, buddy,” Chad said. “I told you I’d get the girl.”

“Jeremy, please, get him off me,” Amy said, still struggling to free herself.

“What happened?” Jeremy dead lifted Chad to his feet. Chad staggered and then went limp as a noodle. A very big noodle. Jeremy pushed him onto the bed.

Amy said, “He fell out of the bed. I tried to catch him.”

“Next time just yell ‘timber’ and get out of the way,” Jeremy said.

Chad grabbed Jeremy’s hand, saying, “I love her, man. She’s my everything. I love her so friggin’ much. I love her hair. I love her eyes. I love her breasts.”

“Whoaaaa there, big boy,” Jeremy said, interrupting him before he could add any more parts to the list. “You’re talking about my roommate, Dude.”

“How much morphine did they give him?” Amy inquired.

Chad’s head bounced to Amy. He smiled in surprise that she was still in the room. “Marry me, Amy. Marry me.” He looked back to Jeremy, saying, “Be my best dude at our wedding?”

“Sure thing. I’m so there for you.” Jeremy put the bed rails up. “It’s beddie-bye time, Dude.”

Amy leaned over the rail and took Chad by the chin. She waited until his eyes focused, then said, “I can’t marry you. I can’t be with you. I can’t be your girlfriend and I can’t date you. I came in here to tell you that. Understand?”

“You’re so funny,” Chad said. “I love your sense of humor.” Then he closed his eyes with a big smile still on his face.

Amy sighed and turned to Jeremy. “What am I going to do? Nothing works.”

“He won’t remember any of this,” Jeremy said. “You’ll have to try when he’s not so medicated.” He opened the door just as Jordan was opening the door. They collided, bouncing off each other.

“We have to stop running into each other like this,” Jeremy said.

Jordan laughed. “Sorry. I was looking for Amy. A couple of twin nurses said she was in here.”

“Ah, she’s right here.”

Amy stepped forward. “Jordan! Hi!”

“I love you! You’re my little love button,” the reawakened Chad yelled at her back.

Amy laughed nervously and pushed Jordan out of the room before she could get a good look at Chad, saying, “Don’t pay any attention to that patient. He’s so drugged up he doesn’t know what he’s saying.”

As the three of them stepped into the hall, Chad yelled, “Don’t leave. That woman is a Jezebel. She’s a lesbian. She’s a Lezebel!”

Jeremy quickly shut the door. He laughed and flapped his hand in Chad’s direction. “Homeless dude. Crazy. Loco.” He twirled his finger in little circles beside his temple. “Cuckoo.”

“I’ll say,” Jordan said. She smiled at Amy, “So, I just dropped by to see if you want to do lunch?”

“Sure,” Amy said.

Jordan looked at Jeremy. “You know, Jeremy, I’d like it if you’d come too. I haven’t really met any of Amy’s friends yet.”

Amy and Jeremy exchanged a look. Jeremy clasped his hands under his chin. “I promise to be good,” he said, making puppy dog eyes.

Amy laughed. “Okay, but you’re buying.”

Jeremy rubbed his palms together. “Deal. But if I’m buying, we’re going to this new place I’ve been scoping out.”

“What’s it called?” Jordan asked.

“P.C.’s,” Jeremy said.

“Never heard of it,” Jordan said.

“It stands for politically correct. It claims to have the smallest carbon footprint of any restaurant in the world. It’s a gas.” He paused then added, “Not literally a gas, you understand.”

Amy looked uncertain. Jeremy and Jordan each took one of Amy’s hands, and in unison said, “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”