Shut Out

Chapter seventeen

"So why didn't you tell me?" Chloe asked, perching on the edge of my bed as I folded a fresh load of laundry and put the clothes into my drawers.

"How was I supposed to tell you? I didn't know he was cheating on me, either."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

I knew that, but I didn't want to answer her real question.

"Lissa, how could you be a virgin? I mean, like… I thought you and Randy had been banging forever."

"You make it sound so romantic."

"Stop avoiding the question," she insisted. "I'm dead serious. How could you lie to me?"

"I didn't exactly lie," I told her, bumping the open drawer shut with my hip. "I just never elaborated on the details of my sex life. I mean, we did other stuff." I had to fight off a blush so Chloe wouldn't make fun of me. "And anyway, I didn't want to catch hell about it. I didn't want anyone else to know that I was… scared. And I figured my secret was safe with Randy because he'd be embarrassed about the fact that he couldn't get into my pants or whatever…. So much for that plan."

"You're scared? Like… of sex?"

I wondered if my cheeks were as red as they felt now. "Yes, I guess I am."

Chloe cocked her head to one side and stared at me the same way you'd stare at a three-legged lion in the zoo.

"God, Chloe, don't look at me like that. See, this is why I didn't tell you."

"Sorry," she said. "I'm just… surprised. It's weird. Sex was never scary to me." She paused. "So what about it do you find scary? Like, penises? Because I can see how those might be a little scary. Or is it the idea that the first time hurts? Or — "

"Oh, please stop," I said, moving to sit down beside her on the bed. "No. Nothing like that. It's… it's letting someone that close to me. Physically and emotionally. Randy and I got close a few times, but… I chickened out. I'm afraid of letting someone have that kind of power over me. Not being in control is what scares me."

"Wow," Chloe said. "I'd never thought about it like that. See, for me, it's the opposite."

"What do you mean?"

"It makes me feel like I am in control," she explained. "Like, I don't know. I started fooling around a lot after my dad moved out, which makes me sound like I have lame daddy issues, but whatever. I wasn't looking for pity; I was looking for something I could do on my own. Something I could own. My parents were dividing up all of their shit and fighting over stuff, and I couldn't

do a thing about it. Then Mom and I had to move into our shitty apartment, and I felt like I had nothing. Nothing but my body. It's the one thing I can control. For me, sex is my way of taking control of my body. I'm in charge. Don't psychoanalyze me on all that or say you're sorry about my family or anything. That's not what I want. I just… I think it's kind of interesting how we look at it so differently."

"It is, I guess." I sighed and leaned my head on her shoulder. "I hate boys."

"I miss boys."

Chloe helped me get the house ready for the next few hours. Once my room was clean, we dug out the chips and sodas I'd bought a few days earlier. I organized the cans of soda on my desk: diet to the left, caffeine-free in the middle, and regular on the right. I also wanted to arrange the chips, which Chloe had spread out on top of my dresser, but she restrained me.

"So I asked around about The Blonde," she said, sitting down on my bed once the room was completely slumber party–ready. "She's a sophomore. Her name is Autumn Elliot. What the hell kind of name is Autumn? Why don't they just call her Fall or The Depressing Season When Everything Starts to Die."

"It's a pretty name, Chloe."

"Fine," she huffed. "But getting your freak on in a public bathroom? Who does that?"

"Um, Chloe…"

"Okay, fine. I've done that." She flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Jesus, Lissa, help me out here. I'm trying to console you, but you're making it difficult."

"It's all right," I told her. "You don't have to say anything. Especially not about her. I don't hate her. She's not the one who betrayed me."

"True…. But her dress was really, really ugly."

"Chloe!" I laughed.

"I'm just saying. The whole plunging-neckline thing did not flatter her figure. You looked way hotter."

"Well, yeah. That's true," I said, smiling.

Just then, the doorbell rang downstairs. "That'll be the girls," she said, hopping off the bed.

"How did you get them to come, anyway?" I asked, standing up and following her out of my bedroom. "I just assumed they'd all skip out."

"Oh, it was easy," Chloe said. "I hacked your e-mail and sent them a pleading, groveling message begging them to come and promising them ice cream. You should go order some of that, by the way. Sorry, forgot to warn you."

I stopped in the middle of the stairs, but Chloe kept walking. "How did you get my password?" I asked.

She turned around at the bottom and smiled up at me. "Lissa, I'm your best friend. I know you well enough to know your password would be atonement. The book's constantly under your pillow with the dirty pages dog-eared. I'm not stupid." She winked and scampered off to the door to let in the guests.

I hated her and loved her at the same time.

"All right. So what's the deal?" Susan asked, sitting on my bed and crossing her legs. She arrived last of all the girls — twenty-one

this time. My room was sweltering, and I couldn't crank the AC up any higher. This had not been a good idea.

And neither was letting Kelsey into my house.

She plopped down on the bed beside Susan, after Chloe told her off for stalking around the room, glaring at me and making snarky remarks. I think Chloe's exact words were Sit down and shut your ugly mouth or I'll find a much, much more painful method of silencing you.

"I cannot believe this bullshit," she snapped, apparently not taking Chloe's threat seriously. "Who do you think you are, Lissa?"

I could feel myself getting nervous, shaking as I counted all the girls in my head, over and over again. There were too many. If they got mad or started yelling… Images of the chaos flashed through my brain, causing a knot to form in my chest. What if they made a mess of my room?

"Kelsey, do you have a point?" Susan asked, sounding bored.

"The point," Kelsey said, "is that Lissa's a hypocrite. She's not even having sex, but she thinks she can tell us we should stop? And it's all to solve her problems."

"Kelsey, I'm sorry, but can you shut the hell up?"

I turned and was shocked to find that Ellen was the speaker. Our eyes met, and Ellen gave me a small, imperceptible nod before focusing her attention back on the mortified Kelsey.

"It's not just Lissa's problem," she said. "It's all of ours. You've complained about the rivalry, too, in case you forgot. And last week, you were singing Lissa's praises. So stop acting all high

and mighty. We're all sick of your shit, and frankly, Lissa needs friends right now. We'd all be there for you if your boyfriend turned out to be a dickhead. So do you mind showing the same courtesy?"

There was a long silence — which, considering there were so many girls in the room, was pretty impressive.

Kelsey took a deep breath, and we all waited to see what she'd do next. I was about to throw myself in front of Ellen to protect her from the pointed, clawlike fingernails I was sure Kelsey would be attacking her with when Kelsey spoke and made the moment even more bizarre.

"Yeah, you're right, Ellen. I'm sorry."

"Holy shit…. Is that… Did hell just freeze over?" Chloe asked, clasping a hand to her heart.

"Shut up," Kelsey snapped. Then she looked at me. "I'm sorry, Lissa. For the way Randy treated you and for the way I acted. It wasn't cool."

"Um… thanks." I took a deep breath. "And honestly, you may be right. It was wrong of me to keep that detail from you guys. I just didn't want you to judge me. I felt like I was abnormal or whatever because I hadn't done it. Then you guys freaked out about Mary waiting, and even after she'd been brave enough to admit it, I just couldn't…. Still, I shouldn't have lied, considering what I asked all of you to do. Not that it matters now. I think the strike is over."

A rustle of surprised whispers ran around the room.

"What are you talking about?" Ellen asked. "The boys are

still fighting, aren't they? Adam's car got vandalized last night, so the rivalry definitely isn't over. We can't end the strike."

"One of the things you guys worried about was cheating," I reminded the room. "That if we cut the boys off from sex, they'd cheat. Well, that's what happened to me, so you were right. We should have never done this."

"Oh hells no," Chloe said. "Don't go there. I said it at the first meeting and I'll say it again — if any boy cheats on you just because you won't fuck him, he's the prick and you shouldn't be with him, anyway. If anything, Lissa, this was a good plan. It showed you what an ass Randy really is, and at least you're done with him now."

I flinched. I knew she was right, but the idea that this was better — that having him chase other girls was best for me — still stung, and it probably would for a while.

"Let's be fair about this," Susan said, getting to her feet, which wasn't easy since every inch of floor was filled by the bodies of teenage girls. "All in favor of ending the strike prematurely, raise your hand."

No hands.

Not even Kelsey's.

"Excellent. And all those in favor of continuing as planned with Lissa at the lead?"

All around the room, hands shot up.

"Seriously?" I asked, surprised.

"It actually might be better," Ellen said. "You know, for you to be in charge without a boyfriend and all. It gives you a clearer

perception, maybe. You aren't biased by the pressure anyone is putting on you anymore."

"Well, except me," Chloe said, leaning against me and running a teasing hand up my thigh. "Can you resist me, Lissa? I don't think you can."

I bumped her hand off my leg, laughing. I was overcome with emotion, so awed by the girls' support, that I forgot to be on edge. Even with twenty-one girls piled into my room, I found myself suddenly relaxing, trusting all of them more than I'd ever expected to.

"Wow, Chloe is getting desperate." Mary giggled.

"No shit," Susan said. "But we all knew she'd be dying inside without some booty."

Chloe clutched a hand to her chest, made a few gagging noises, and then fell back onto the carpet, playing dead.

"So how about it, Lissa?" Ellen said, calling back my attention. "You still with us?"

"Yes," I said, beaming. "I'm still with you. The strike continues."

"Awesome," Chloe said, using my shoulder to pull herself back into a sitting position, apparently no longer dead. "Now, where the fuck is my ice cream?"

"Can I tell you something?"

I was standing at the kitchen sink, washing a few of the bowls that had been used for ice cream, unable to stand the idea of letting them sit around for more than a few minutes. I could still

hear the chaos upstairs, where the others waited. I was just trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements — there was no way they were all staying in my bedroom — when I heard Kelsey's voice behind me.

I glanced over my shoulder and found her standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking way more nervous than I'd ever seen her look before.

"Sure," I said. "What's up?"

"The thing is, I…" She stopped and turned to look into the living room.

"My dad isn't here," I said, knowing instantly what she was doing. "My brother decided at the last minute that he wanted to drive to the lake and go fishing in the morning, and Dad wanted to go with him. It's just us here. Which is a good thing, you know? It opens up some rooms for everyone to sleep in…. Sorry. What were you going to tell me?"

Kelsey stepped into the kitchen, easing up to the counter, her keen eyes watching as I put away the clean bowls. "Okay," she said, "this is going to sound weird, but… I don't like sex."

I dried my hands on the dish towel and turned to face her, confused. "You… What?"

"Don't tell anyone," she insisted. "Please. It's embarrassing. But I really don't enjoy it. It's just kind of… underwhelming. I only do it because it makes Terry happy, and I love him, but… I don't know. I don't know why I'm telling you this. It's just, you felt like you had to lie about being a virgin and I feel like I have to lie about this, and… I'm so weird."

I remembered standing in Susan's kitchen with Mary and

how she'd asked if she was weird for being a virgin. I'd almost told her the truth about me that night. That she wasn't weird, because I was a virgin, too. Or, rather, that we were weird together. This moment with Kelsey felt like intense déjГ vu. Only this time, I couldn't relate quite as much. Still, I said the same thing.

"You're not weird."

"How would you know?"

"I guess I don't," I admitted. "I don't know if I'll like it or not once I do it. If I ever do it. Because I may not." I shrugged. "But why does not liking it have to make you weird?"

"Because everyone else seems to like it so much."

"Maybe some of them are just pretending," I said. "So no one thinks they're weird."

"Maybe," Kelsey murmured. "God, why am I even telling you this? It's so weird."

"Stop saying it's weird."

Kelsey shook her head, laughing slightly. "Don't repeat this," she said, "but that's part of the reason I hate Chloe. I'm jealous. She obviously enjoys it. I wish I liked it that much."

"Well, Chloe gets hell for liking it too much. From you and others."

"So she's the weird one for liking it," Kelsey suggested.

"Or it could be that no one is weird," I offered. "I mean, Mary and I thought we were weird because we hadn't done it at all."

"Maybe we're all weird, then," Kelsey said.

"If that's the case, then why does it matter?"

"Because I want to know what's normal." She hesitated and

then looked down at her bare feet on the tile. "I want to be normal, but no one talks about sex, so how should I know what normal is?"

I considered this for a second. She was asking the same questions that had been running through my head for weeks: What's normal? What is expected of us?

"You know," I said quietly, "I don't think normal exists."