Shut Out

Chapter thirty

"Lissa," Dad said, a laugh still on his lips. "Honey, come in and sit down. Logan has something to tell us."

I was frozen in the kitchen doorway, the bag I'd packed for the night at Ellen's hanging loosely from my fingertips. I didn't want Jenna in my house, in my kitchen, in my space. I didn't want to see the way she smiled, like this was the happiest moment of her life. It wasn't the happiest moment of mine.

"So," I said slowly. "You're… You've been dating Jenna this whole time, right?"

They exchanged a look before my brother focused his attention squarely on me. "Yes," he said. "I have. I didn't want to tell you because — Well, if things didn't work out, I didn't want it to be awkward for you at work."

"I actually asked him to keep it a secret," Jenna interjected. "I mean, you're distracted at work enough as it is. The library couldn't afford having you lose focus because of another personal issue."

"I figured it out a while ago," I said. "I just hoped you'd break up soon."

"Lissa," Dad scolded. "Stop that."

"Sit down," Logan said, his voice losing its cheery edge.

I didn't move, just looked back and forth between them for a minute. I had a sinking suspicion that dating wasn't the reason for this family meeting. Jenna was here, in my kitchen, no longer keeping it secret — no longer letting me live in the land of sweet denial. That meant something must have changed.

"Oh my God," I gasped. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"

"What?" Logan asked, his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline.

"No!" Jenna cried. I saw a hand fly to her stomach. "Why, do I look…?"

Logan shook his head and squeezed her hand on top of the table.

I thought I'd be sick.

"Then why are you telling us this now?" I asked. "If you aren't pregnant, why not continue to keep the whole dating thing a secret?"

"Lissa, honey," Dad said. "Logan has some news for us. Go ahead, Logan."

Logan glanced at Jenna again, and she gave him one forceful nod before he said, "I'm moving out."

I felt a rubber band begin to contract around my lungs. "What?"

Jenna said, "He's moving — "

"I heard him!" I snapped at her, unable to keep my cool. "I… What? Where? When?"

"At the beginning of next month," Logan said. "Jenna and I are moving to an apartment in one of the suburbs outside of Chicago."

"I'm going to Northwestern," Jenna explained, looking at my father, not me. "I'm going to finish my degree there, starting in January."

"What about the classes you're taking right now at the community college?" Dad asked.

"My professors are letting me finish online," she said. "I want us to have time to settle in and learn the area before I jump right into school."

"And I'm going to apply for grad school," Logan said. "Like I planned."

"You can't leave," I said, my voice coming out cracked and pathetic. I shook my head and tried again. "You can't leave, Logan. You can't… you can't go that far away. And you two barely know each other! You've been dating, like… like, a month. That's not enough time to move in together."

"I know," Logan said. He smiled at Jenna, and the sparkle in his eyes — that cliché glimmer you read about in romance novels — I saw it. "We know it's soon, but this just feels right."

And I could tell.

I didn't want to, but I could tell.

Logan was in love with her.

I felt a sense of panic boiling in my chest. I felt my lungs contracting with fear, frustration, and worry. More than ever, I truly

hated Jenna. Before, she'd just annoyed me, angered me, made me insane. But now? Now I hated her. Because of her, my family was being broken, again. And she was taking Logan away. I'd worked so hard to keep my family close, to keep them safe, and she was going to destroy that.

"Excuse me," I said, turning away and running upstairs. I couldn't be in the room with her anymore. Couldn't look at her or at Logan. Couldn't watch this happen.

Couldn't watch my family break apart again.

An hour later, I heard Dad calling me from downstairs. I thought about ignoring him, knowing what he wanted to say to me — that it would be all right, that this was bound to happen, things I didn't want to hear. I thought about putting the pillow over my head and pretending his voice hadn't carried up the stairs.

But I decided to be at least somewhat mature about this. I sighed and climbed off my bed, running my fingers through my hair before heading downstairs.

Logan and Jenna were gone already, but Dad was waiting for me by the bottom step, his hand resting on the banister. "We should talk about this," he said. "Come on. I'll make you a sandwich."

I followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the table while he rolled around the room, getting what he needed to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, like he used to when I was little and upset.

"He can't do this," I blurted out, knowing Dad was waiting for me to speak first. "He can't leave us."

Dad didn't respond. He pulled a knife from the silverware drawer and began spreading jelly across a piece of bread.

"And not with her," I continued. "She's… she's awful. So bossy and demanding and obnoxious."

"I found her charming," Dad said. "Very smart, in control. A little obsessed with order, but that's the kind of girl Logan needs in his life. She reminds me of you and your mother, actually."

"No," I muttered, but I remembered Cash saying once that Jenna reminded him of me. As much as that made my stomach churn, I couldn't argue with the majority. Not successfully, at least. "Besides," I continued, picking up a napkin that had been left on the table and folding it into small, even sections. Fourths, eighths, sixteenths. "He's so much older. It's creepy. She's, like, seven years younger than him. Can't he date someone his own age?"

Dad sighed and moved his chair back to the kitchen table, sliding the sandwich he'd just made across to me. "Honey, I know this is hard on you," he said. "I know you've spent the last five years taking care of us — of Logan and me. But sweetheart, Logan is an adult now. He has to take care of himself eventually."

"I'm scared that if he gets too far away, we'll lose him," I whispered. "I don't want to lose anyone else."

"Don't look at it as losing him," Dad said. "Look at it as adding to the family. We have Jenna now, too. Someone to help you keep him safe — because you know she'll boss him around just as much as you do."

He was trying to make me laugh, but it didn't work.

I put down the napkin, now folded into a compact little cube,

and picked up my sandwich. "Why her?" I asked. "Of all people, why her?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes it's hard to predict who will make a person happy. But in the end, that's what matters. Remember what I told you when you and Randy broke up? I told you that I'd accept any boy you brought home, no matter who he was, as long as he made you happy. Honey, we owe Logan the same."

"I know."

"You can't control everything," Dad said. "Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and let life happen. You don't want to miss out on the best parts of life just because you were afraid of getting hurt. Or, in this case, of Logan getting hurt."

But it wasn't just about Logan.

Dad didn't know it, obviously, but he was also talking about Cash.

I'd been pushing him away, keeping him at a distance, running every time he got too close, because I was afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of how I felt about him. But in reality, I should have just talked to him. Like Ellen now wanted me to do. I could have solved all of this if I'd just asked him why. But instead, I tried to control everything about our relationship, tried to keep myself safe. And that hadn't worked at all.

But it wasn't too late.

"I have to go," I said, standing up, my sandwich only half-eaten.

Dad looked startled. "Are you okay?" he asked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, honey. I just — "

"You didn't," I told him. "You're right. I can't control everything. Sometimes I need to let go and… not be afraid." I took a breath. "I'll work on it."

Dad nodded. "Okay. Good. I know it won't be easy for you, but I think you'll be happier in the long run."

"Maybe," I said. "Now, um… Can I use the car? There's someone I need to go see."