Shut Out

Chapter thirty-two

Over fall break, an e-mail was sent out to every football and soccer player at Hamilton High, as well as to their girlfriends. The message instructed them all to sneak onto school property on the Sunday evening before school started up again — the second Sunday in October. They were told to meet on the grass between the football and soccer fields just after sunset, and to park their cars on the gravel back roads that snaked along the edge of the woods about half a mile from the school.

Cash helped me write the e-mail. He'd actually come up with the idea to meet between the fields. Sort of a safe ground for everyone.

Around five thirty Sunday evening, I headed downstairs to wait for my ride. The living room was full of boxes that Logan had filled with his belongings. I kept pushing them off to the side, worried they'd get in Dad's way when he tried to navigate his chair through the living room. My brother — sometimes he just didn't think about these things.

"Hey, sis, wanna give me a hand?" Logan asked when I reached the bottom step. He was carrying a giant box labeled TROPHIES and nodding toward the front door.

"Why isn't your girlfriend here to help you move?" I asked, hurrying over to open the door for him.

"She's working her last shift at the library," Logan said, carrying the box out to his truck. "She'll be over in the morning so we can take this first load up to the new apartment."

Cash and I had worked our final shift under Jenna's dictatorship on Thursday. She'd acted the same as usual, bossing us around, telling us how to do our painfully simple jobs like we were idiots, right up until we were locking up.

"You know," she'd said to me as she shut down the computer at the front desk, "you're going to have to take on more shifts now that I'm leaving."

"Why?" I'd asked.

"Because you're the only other person who loves this place enough," she'd said, smiling at me. It was the first time Jenna had smiled at me like that. Like I was more than just a zit she couldn't get rid of. "If you were able to put up with me, you must really love this place just as much as I do." She looked over at the bookshelves, piled high with novels and memoirs and biographies. So many words and stories and facts. I looked, too.

"I do love it," I told her.

"Good." She'd stepped away from the computer, hands moving to her hips, returning to normal Jenna mode. "Because you're the only person I trust to take care of this place. Without me, it might fall apart… unless you can keep it in order." She hesitated.

"I told Mrs. Coles that she should give you more hours. She trusts my judgment, so if you need a few more bucks…"

"I'll think about it," I said, stunned that she'd actually recommended me to the head librarian. Stunned, really, that she thought I was capable of doing as good a job as she did.

Because as much as Jenna drove me crazy, the truth was, she really had kept Hamilton Public Library running smoothly. The place would have been a wreck without her.

And now that she was leaving, she trusted me.

I still wasn't her biggest fan by any means. I wasn't happy that she was taking my brother away from me, that Logan was jumping into this relationship so soon. But she really did make him happy, so I'd decided to keep my mouth shut and accept it. Just the same way he and Dad would have to accept Cash, in spite of the rivalry between his soccer team and the football team they loved so much.

Though I hoped that rivalry was about to come to an official end. In about half an hour, actually.

"Are you and Dad going out tonight?" I asked Logan as he shoved the box of trophies into the back of his truck.

"I think so," he said. "He wants to go to a sports bar in Oak Hill. Watch a game together and have some fun before I leave. Why?"

"Just wondering," I said. "But… Okay, he doesn't have to have a salad. He can eat fried food if he wants. But tell him just one beer. I mean it."

"Yes, Mom."

We looked at each other for a second, and then we both

cracked up. I did sound just like her. My mother had been just as bossy as I was, just as protective. I told myself that she'd be proud of Logan, though. That she'd want him to go. And even though it was scary, letting him get so far away from me, where I couldn't always know he was safe, I knew I had to do it.

Just then, Chloe's convertible pulled into my driveway. "Lissa!" she called. It was a little chilly, but she still had the top down. I could see Kelsey and Ellen sitting in the backseat, bundled in sweatshirts. "Come on. Let's do this."

"Have fun," Logan said, reaching over and ruffling my hair. He had no idea where I was going, that I was about to put an end to a rivalry he'd seen the beginning of. I thought about telling him, but honestly, I didn't think he'd care anymore. That was his past. He loved the game, he'd been a part of the rivalry, but now he was an adult. He'd moved on, and the rest of the boys, this generation, were about to as well.

"Be careful tonight," I said, exercising my last few hours of control over him. "Don't get too drunk. You don't want to have a hangover when you're moving in tomorrow. Call me if you need anything, and take care of Dad."

"Relax," Logan told me. "We're big boys. We'll be fine. Now go hang out with your friends." He shoved my shoulder. "Don't keep them waiting."

I nodded and waved to him before hurrying to Chloe's convertible, hopping over the edge and into the front passenger's seat.

"Ready to go?" Chloe asked, adjusting her sunglasses. We'd

be driving right into the setting sun on our way to the high school.

"Yep."

"Cool."

"I'm freezing back here," Kelsey whined.

"You'll live."

"Why in God's name is your top still down?"

"Hey, you're the one who decided to carpool," Chloe said, glancing over her shoulder as she backed out of my driveway. "No complaining, or you can walk."

Kelsey stuck out her tongue.

Chloe laughed and faced forward again, lighting a cigarette with one hand as she drove.

It was almost like they were becoming friends or something. While totally creepy, it was also pretty cute.

"Are you excited for all this to be over?" Ellen asked, leaning forward so that her head was between my and Chloe's seats. "Are you proud of yourself?"

I smiled. "A little."

"You should be," she said, leaning back again. "And you should also be excited about your date with Cash tonight. Where are you two going?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "When he called me, he said he wanted it to be a surprise."

Cash and I hadn't seen each other much over fall break. We'd called and texted almost every day, and of course there was work, but I wanted to hold off our real reunion until after tonight. After

the rivalry was really and truly over and we could start fresh. That way I could relax and not worry so much about the rest of the world — the oath, the battle we'd had going on. Nothing. It would just be Cash and me.

Just thinking about it made me smile. I couldn't wait to see him, to kiss him with no guilt or worry. I'd been daydreaming about it like crazy.

Chloe parked her car on the side of one of the gravel roads behind the school and the four of us walked up to the fields. A group was already waiting there, a mix of boys and girls, standing around talking until they saw us coming.

"Hi, Lissa!" Mary called, waving excitedly. She was standing by Finn, gripping his giant hand with her thin, delicate fingers. The smile she was wearing — that they were both wearing — made my heart sing.

Though I could never get the image of Finn singing 'NSync out of my head. That was burned into my brain for life.

"Hi," I said, waving back.

The crowd began growing then, as more and more people started walking up the hill toward us. I couldn't help grinning when I saw Cash approaching. He was walking with Adam and Shane.

Behind them, off in the distance, I also spotted Randy. It still hurt to see him, to remember the way he'd broken my trust, but not as much as it had a couple weeks ago. And that hurt wasn't nearly enough to dim my excitement and pride tonight.

I turned to face Chloe. "Do you think we're about ready?" I asked.

"I hope so," Chloe said. "The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can get out of here and have my wicked way with Shane." She glanced over my shoulder and winked at him.

"Chloe, do you like him?" I asked.

"Who? Shane?" She shrugged. "As a friend. I'm not in love with him or anything, but… It's kind of like, we both know what we want. Neither of us wants a relationship, and we're both cool with that. I like that he doesn't make me feel like a tramp just because I don't want to have his babies one day."

I laughed. "Fair enough."

Chloe didn't have all the answers, either. I knew that now. But she had known something all along that I hadn't: that being ashamed of what you want or how you feel is pointless, and letting anyone else make you feel ashamed is a waste. We all wanted different things, and that was okay. Chloe wanted sex without commitment. Mary wanted to wait until she was ready. And I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I didn't want to make any decisions until I knew. And I was proud of that.

"Everyone's here," Cash said, coming over to stand next to me. "Are you ready?"

"Very."

I looked at Chloe, who nodded and whistled loudly, catching everyone's attention. "Listen up!" she called. "The less you talk, the sooner we can get this over with and you can all go home and do whatever it is you plan on doing — and I'm sure most of you have some interesting plans." She grinned and a few of the boys cheered.

I could see several girls rolling their eyes, even in the steadily lowering light of the sun.

"All right," I said, taking over from Chloe. "So, as you know, the girls all took an oath when the strike started. We figured the only way to really finish this was if the boys did the same oath, ending the rivalry. Does, um, anyone have something you all can take the oath on?"

"I do," Adam said. He was carrying a backpack, I noticed, and he swung it to the ground. "Just a second." He dug through the bag's contents for a minute before producing a magazine. He held it up, and once again the guys cheered while the girls groaned.

"Sports Illustrated?" I said to Adam. "Really?"

"Hey," he said. "Ellen told me you guys took a vow on Cosmo, and that's about sex. So it's only right that we swear on Sports Illustrated, since this is a sports rivalry."

"But was the swimsuit edition really necessary?" Ellen asked him.

"Yes," he said firmly. "Yes, it was."

Chloe burst out laughing.

"Fine," I said, walking over and taking the magazine from Adam. "This will work, I guess. Okay, everyone stand in a circle, please. This will just make it easier."

They moved obediently, and I felt like the ringleader of a circus.

"All right. So here's how it's going to work. I'm going to say the oath and then pass the magazine to one of you guys. All you have to do is say, ‘I do,' and then pass it on to the next person until it makes it all the way around the circle. Sound good?"

A few of the boys nodded. Others just shrugged. Cash gave me a reassuring smile.

"Adam," I said, walking over to him. "It's your magazine, so why don't you go first?"

"Gladly."

"Okay." I cleared my throat, suddenly wishing I'd actually written down an oath for the boys to make instead of just winging it at the last moment. But I was trying to be more spontaneous, learning to let go a little. This was a baby step. "Um… all right. Do you hereby swear that the ten-year rivalry between the football and soccer teams of Hamilton High will end here and now, that you will, uh, no longer participate in the hazing, pranks, or fights associated with the rivalry, and that you will, at the very least, be civil to the members of the other team so that this rivalry dies once and for all?"

Adam took the magazine from me and laid his hand right over the model's chest. "I do," he said, grinning.

Then he passed the magazine on.

I watched as each boy agreed to the oath — many of them smiling at their girlfriends and not even glancing at the nearly naked swimsuit model on the cover of the magazine. I could feel Randy's eyes on me when his turn came, but I wouldn't look in his direction.

"I do," he said.

And it continued.

"I do."

"I do."

"I, uh, do."

Cash was the last person in the circle to get the magazine. He grinned at me as he agreed to the oath, and I grinned back. This wouldn't have happened without him, and I knew it. He'd done so much, been so helpful, even when I wasn't aware. Even when I kept trying to hate him.

"And I'll keep this," Adam said, tucking the magazine back into his bag. He straightened up and turned to Ellen. Then, without warning, he took her into his arms, lifted her off the ground, and spun her around.

The sound of her laugh was like music.

One by one, the girls went back to their boyfriends. Some threw themselves into the boys' arms and started making out right away — kind of gross — while others walked over more slowly, clearly needing to say something that was on their minds.

Like maybe they'd thought about their relationships, about sex.

Like maybe this whole thing had changed them as much as it had changed me.

"Lissa."

I glanced to my left and jumped when I realized that Randy was standing right next to me, a goofy grin plastered across his face. A few weeks ago I thought that grin was cute. Now, after all that had happened, it felt empty.

"What do you want?" I asked, folding my arms over my chest.

"I want to talk," he said.

"I have nothing to say to you."

I started to turn away, but he caught me by the arm. "Lissa, wait. Please."

"Dude," I heard Shane say from a few yards away. "Randy, leave her alone. You fucked this up already."

"Shut up, Shane," Randy barked over his shoulder. Then he looked at me again, his puppy face coming out. "I miss you," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I acted the way I did. But it's over now. The rivalry and the strike. You got what you wanted, so… When can we go back to normal? To being us?"

I just stared at him, stunned, unable to believe he really thought his puppy eyes and a half apology were enough to make me want him back.

At the end of the summer, it had been enough.

But it wasn't anymore.

"Never," I told him. "We're never going to go back to being normal, Randy. Because you are the same person you were two months ago. I'm not. I'm not the same girl who let you make me feel guilty for not doing the things you wanted me to do. I'm done with that, and I'm done with you." I pulled my arm free of his and, feeling a little evil, smiled up at him. "And I am so, so happy I never had sex with you."

Randy flinched, looking wounded, but not wounded enough to satisfy me completely.

"Can't we go somewhere?" he whispered. "Can't we talk about this? Lissa, I love you. You owe it to me to give us a shot."

"I owe you absolutely nothing."

"Lissa, please — "

"Hey."

Randy turned to look over his shoulder as someone came near us. My heart began to race when I realized it was Cash. For a second, I was worried that he'd misinterpret the situation, that he'd see me and Randy talking and think I'd changed my mind, think we were getting back together again.

"Do you mind?" Randy asked. "I'm trying to have a conversation here."

"Yeah," Cash said. "I do mind."

I felt a jolt of joy as Cash brushed past Randy and stopped by me. He reached out a hand, and I took it. Then, right there in front of Randy, Cash pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

Not a sloppy, groping, make-out kiss — the kind no one wants to see in public. It wasn't like that. But it was a warm, passionate, sweet kiss that, despite lasting only a few seconds, left me breathless.

"Ready to get out of here?" Cash asked, slowly pulling his mouth away from mine but still keeping me wrapped in his arms.

I just nodded, and he smiled.

"Excuse us," Cash said, bumping past a shocked-looking Randy and holding my hand as he led me down the hill toward the back road where his car was located.

"You're smooth," I told him as he opened the car door for me.

"I'm learning."

A second later, when he climbed into the seat beside me and turned the key in the ignition, I asked, "So are you going to tell me where we're headed?"

"I was thinking of keeping it a surprise," Cash said. "Will

that drive you crazy? I know you like to know the plan, usually so you can critique it. So I'll tell you if that'll make you more comfortable."

I sighed and reached across the console to take his right hand as he used his left to steer. "Don't tell me," I said. "Yes, it'll drive me crazy, but… I'm learning, too."