Toxic

Chapter Twenty

Watching someone you love go through difficult times is like being trapped in your own body but paralyzed. You want to yell at them, scream, help them, but your body won’t move, and you know that no matter how hard you try, in the end, the path is theirs to choose. You can’t choose for them. What a terrifying concept, especially considering we hardly see every option when we’re stuck in our own self-defeat. Sometimes, I just want to yell, “Look up!” But it always seems the time I say that, is the time Gabe closes his eyes. —Wes M.

Saylor

I forced a smile as I greeted the security guards at the door and made my way to the sign-in desk.

Martha eyed me briefly before asking for my cell phone and sending me on my way.

I was planning on showing everyone a musical for my instruction today to get them excited about learning a few new songs, so at least I wouldn’t have to stand in front of everyone and talk, not that I minded it. It was just kind of stressful, and ever since Gabe’s outburst about me being ugly — well, let’s just say I was feeling a bit self conscious.

I’d even thrown away that stupid sweatshirt.

At least I didn’t look homeless anymore.

I pulled open the metal doors to the game room.

And almost turned and ran.

Gabe was fidgeting with the TV/DVD player, while a few of the residents sat around and waited.

My palms started sweating as I took a few cautious steps toward them. Okay, don’t freak out, he’s probably just helping set up the movie for me.

When I reached the front of the room, I forced myself to give him a friendly smile as I tapped on his shoulder.

“What?” He didn’t turn around.

And politeness just ran out the window.

“What are you doing?” I snapped.

“Oh!” Gabe jerked his hands away from the DVD player and stood to his full height making me feel the need to back away. “Just setting up the movie for you.”

My shoulders slumped in relief.

“Oh and also, I’m in charge of the program now, so we’re going to partner up on the days you’re here.”

I swayed on my feet a bit. “You’re kidding right?”

“Afraid not.” His eyes narrowed. “You have a problem with that?”

“Am I doing a bad job?” My chest heaved. “Is that what this is about? Or do you just hate me that much?”

Gabe tilted his head to the side and crossed his arms. “If I hated you, I’d just fire you.”

I sucked in a breath full of air in order to keep myself from yelling. I knew he couldn’t technically fire me, but he could make my life hell and also tell my professor I was doing a crappy job, dropping my grade.

“We done?”

Words still wouldn’t come.

“Good.” He turned back around and flipped on the TV. I was still standing there in shock when the main menu for the DVD popped up onto the screen.

Gabe clapped his hands four times.

Those who could clap followed loudly after him.

“Listen up.” His smile returned. “Saylor’s going to show us a movie today so we can learn all about musicals.”

A chorus of cheers went around the room at his announcement.

“Saylor?” His smile faded a bit when his eyes met mine. “Do you want to explain what they’ll be watching?”

“Sure.” My voice was hoarse with emotion. Why was I letting him make me feel that bad about myself? I tugged at my plain white t-shirt and forced myself to keep the tears in.

I’d never had anyone hate me so much.

Or humiliate me so many times.

And then charm the pants off of every single breathing thing on the planet, including small animals and children, right in front of me as if to show me that I really was that much of an outcast to him. An undesirable.

“So, today, we’re going to watch…” My voice wavered as my mind went completely blank. All of the residents’ faces were eager as they looked up at me, but I couldn’t find my words. My throat was so thick with tears it physically hurt. I placed my hand over my chest and told myself to breathe — to focus on inhaling and exhaling, I was just making myself anxious.

Instead, my lower lip started to tremble. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked around the room and said, “Excuse me, I’m sorry.”

I ran out of there and into the closest bathroom and slammed the door behind me falling into a fit of sobs over the porcelain sink.

The door clicked open.

Crap. I’d forgotten to lock it. I whirled around and came face to face with the cause of my breakdown.

Gabe.

Tears blurred my vision as I backed up against the counter. I could only discern the outline of his face, nothing more. I promised myself I’d never be one of those girls that let a guy have that type of power over me. He couldn’t see my tears — I didn’t even want to see my tears. I didn’t want to feel them. I wanted them gone, and it was his fault that I was even feeling this way!

“Are you okay?” he asked in a gentle voice.

“Do I look okay?” I snapped, wiping my eyes. “Just leave me alone. Please. It’s embarrassing enough.”

“Embarrassing?” He sounded absolutely clueless.

“Yes! Embarrassing, okay! Just being next to you is embarrassing. I’m so damn worried about doing something wrong that I can’t even breathe, let alone teach a class! Whatever I did, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I was spying on you but the music was…” I choked. “Beautiful. It was beautiful, and I’m sorry for opening the window. I didn’t know! I just wanted her to smile more and—”

With shaking hands I covered my face and tried to level my breathing.

“Freaking hell,” he said under his breath. “Are those tears because of me?”

Was he that dense? Seriously?

I didn’t have the strength to lie — but saying yes just deepened the embarrassment.

“Saylor, I—” He cursed.

And then Gabe did something incredible.

He pulled me into his arms and hugged me.

And I cried into his chest.

I cried in the arms of my tormentor.

I cried like he was my savior.

When he was the cause of it all.

After a few minutes, he released me, and used his thumbs to wipe the tears from underneath my eyes. “Take your time, I started the movie.”

No apology.

No words of encouragement.

He just… left.

Leaving me more confused than before — but less broken.