Irresistible Refrain

25

A low humming sound hovered around the edges of my consciousness while a diffuse bright light up ahead propelled me forward. As I followed it, the light coalesced into rays of sunlight streaming through the trees.

“Lace,” his deep familiar voice called.

I blinked, dragging my eyes away from the fresh tilled dirt and craned my neck around to look at him. Hands in the front pocket of his dark jeans, wind blowing his hair into his grey green eyes, he shuffled forward. “War’s looking for you.”

I shrugged, disinterested, returning my attention to the grave marker in front of me. My hands balled into fists.

How dare that bitch die on me.

Without saying anything, he dropped down to the ground beside me. He didn’t ask if he could join me and I wasn’t about to tell him he couldn’t. I needed him. More than anyone else. War hadn’t known what to say to me. I could tell he was worried, but he didn’t really understand.

My mother’s death had totally shaken me. Not because she’d overdosed, but because she was gone. My anger toward her had fueled my fervor to succeed. Now that she wasn’t here, how was I going to prove her wrong? Show her that I was worth something.

We sat silently together. I could hear the steady hum of the traffic from the nearby freeway. I continued to stare blankly at my mother’s name on the tombstone. His warm hand covered my own. Nothing in my entire life felt more right than that hand on mine.

“Did you ever go back to University House to see her?” Bryan’s soft question broke the silence.

“Once,” I admitted, with a sigh. “She didn’t even know who I was.”

“I’m sorry, Lace.” He squeezed my hand.

“Don’t be. I knew how she was. I was stupid to think she would ever change. You ever try to see your father?”

“No. Last I saw of him was in middle school. Good riddance if you ask me.”

I nodded. Having a shitty parent was a bond we shared. “She can rot in hell for all I care.”

“You’re not her, Lace Lowell,” he surprised me by saying.

“No, I’m not,” I agreed. “I’m getting out of here. I’m going to make something out of my life.”

“I know you will.” Bryan’s voice resonated with sincerity. His faith in me had never wavered. “You ever hear back from the counselor about your scholarship application to U of W?”

I shook my head. “That’s a long shot. They have over two thousand applicants for that one spot.” I pulled my hand free, smoothing both palms over my jeans as he continued to watch me. “Anyway, it only covered books and tuition, not living expenses.”

“Your uncle hasn’t changed his mind about you staying on after you graduate?”

“No. He’s getting remarried and his fiancée has kids of her own. They’re gonna have a full house as it is.”

“You could stay with us.”

My eyebrows lifted, I gave him a measured look. “I don’t think that would be such a good idea, do you?”

“I guess not.”

We both got quiet. Something way beyond friendship had been building between us lately that neither one of us was ready to address.

I pulled my knees up and dropped my chin to them. I could feel him watching me. “I’m not going to cry for her,” I whispered.

“I don’t expect you to.”

“I lost track of how many times she told me I was a burden to her. Mostly she ignored me. But there were a few times, usually when she was really wasted that she would let me crawl into her lap.” I pressed my lips together. “She’d stroke my back and sing to me.”

I risked a glance at him. He returned my look, the light of empathy shining in those beautiful eyes.

“It’s those few times with my old man that were really good that made me hate him. It’s so unexpected. It almost felt like a betrayal.”

I looked away, nodding. That’s exactly how I’d felt with her. “Why didn’t she love me, Bry?” That was it really, the part that bothered me the most about her passing. She might have been the world’s worst mother, but there was a part of me, a part that I despised, that still longed for her approval.

His arms went around me. His chin rested on the top of my head. I leaned back into him, my throat constricting so tightly it burned like fire.

“If only we could choose our parents, huh.” He kissed the top of my head and my knotted muscles loosened. “She was your mom, Lace,” he said softly. “But she was a wretched human being. She didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The incessant buzzing sound in my ears grew louder.

Stop.

I wanted to stay back there in that memory.

Safe.

Cherished.

Comforted.

In Bryan’s arms.

The noise in my ears wouldn’t go away, though. It solidified into voices, strong assertive male voices.

“She’s coming around,” one of them said.