Irresistible Refrain

39

Holding the guitar by the neck, I slammed it into the wall, grunting with satisfaction when it splintered apart in my hands. Letting go where it joined the body, I watched it drop to the carpet, ruined like my life without her.

I’ve done all the waiting I’m gonna do.

What an arrogant ass I’d been.

I swiped my beer off the table and sagged into the chair. I drained it, settled back, and closed my eyes. Alone with my thoughts, and they were all of her.

What was she doing? And who was she with?

I felt completely empty without her, a brittle burned out husk. It was all wrong. Nothing made sense anymore.

“Bry? Are you ok? I heard a noise.”

“Yeah, Mom.” I turned to see her stick her head into the doorway to the garage which I had converted into a studio. “Is it alright if I come in?”

“Sure.” I ran a hand through my hair. “You don’t have to ask. This is your house. I bought it for you. I just put the studio in so I had somewhere to practice whenever I’m around.”

“I know.” She pulled out a chair and sat beside me. Concerned eyes flicked to the broken guitar before they scanned my face. “I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t.”

“Bryan Hunter Jackson. I’m your mother. That’s not an option.” Her hands went to her hips. “I want to know when you’re planning to stop moping around and take charge of your life again.”

I didn’t respond because I knew she was right.

She scooted her chair closer, smoothing out the apron she wore over her scrubs. She must’ve just gotten home from work. Her hand dropped down on top of mine. “What are you going to do about Warren?”

“What can I do, Mom?”

“You’ve been friends a long time.”

“I know.” For all his faults, I couldn’t just turn off how I felt. I was worried about him. It was like missing a limb not to have him around anymore. “I tried to smooth things over before he quit the band. When War shuts you out though, you’re out. He’s very black and white about things. You’re either with him or you’re against him.”

“Hmm.” She folded her hands under her chin and looked thoughtful. I had a feeling where she was going before she spoke, and I wasn’t wrong. “Do you remember what I told you when you first got back from Orlando?”

“I remember,” I whispered, thinking she was going to reiterate all the reasons that ending things with Lace made sense. In my mind those reasons still had some merit, but in my heart it felt all fucked up.

“I’m afraid that maybe I gave you some bad advice.”

Surprise widened my eyes as I looked at her.

A frown creased her brow. “I think I’ve let my history with your father color my judgment. So many times he made promises. So many times he broke them. But I kept taking him back, hoping each time that things would be different.”

“I know.”

“I saw that same pattern developing between you and Lace. I’m afraid you love her too much and that she’ll hurt you like your dad hurt me.” Her voice caught.

“He hurt all of us,” I admitted softly.

She nodded.

“Lace isn’t like him.”

“I don’t know that for sure. But I realize now that’s not for me to decide. That’s up to you.”

I was silent for a moment, letting that sink in.

“I told you once that sometimes love means letting go. Maybe that was just my old bitterness welling up. I was trying to protect you, Bryan, when I should have been encouraging you to make your own decisions and live your own life. Take risks even.”

My mom was right. Damn right. Lace was worth the risk. My pride had blinded me from seeing that. I should have admired her strength and how brave it was of her to want to prove herself before we moved forward together.

Instead all I saw was that she was rejecting the glass slipper without even trying it on. Rejecting me. Putting up one more barrier between us. Anger made me throw the past back in her face. Selfishness kept me from agreeing to what was best for her. And sheer stupidity caused me to walk away from the only woman who had ever really mattered to me.

I put my arm around my mom’s shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “The two of you are a lot alike. Both so beautiful. Both so resilient.”

She smiled softly and laid her palm against my cheek. I covered her hand with my own. “I love you, son.” Tears sparkled in her eyes as she looked at me. “You’re a good man. You’ll figure it out. And whatever you decide, I’m behind you.”