Irresistible Refrain

28

Arm over my eyes, I lay in my bunk on the bus with the curtain pulled closed. Earbuds in, no music, just static. Endless purposeless white noise just like a life stretched out before me without her in it.

I hadn’t heard War come on board yet. I knew he was probably still out at the hospital with Lace. That’s where I would be if I was him.

I love you.

The sound of her voice saying those words to him instead of me had been going through my brain on an endless loop. Baring my soul to her, exposing the ugly truth about the Morris deal, none of that had changed her mind. I’d always believed deep down that someday we would be together. I’d purposefully kept out of relationships or chosen ones destined to fail, hoping that one day she would be mine.

But now it looked like I was going to have to figure out how to move forward and start to live a real life without her. I turned over on my side and punched the pillow. Suddenly, the curtain on my bunk slid back.

Dizzy poked his spiky head into the gap. “You awake, man?”

“Yeah.” I pulled my earbuds out. “How is she?” I asked even though I knew I had no right, even though I knew I should cut the fucking cord already.

“She’s in a good place, all things considered,” Dizzy whispered. After a glance behind him, he continued. “Listen, why aren’t you answering your cell? She’s been trying to call you. She wants to talk to you before she gets transferred to the rehab facility.”

I shrugged, noncommittally.

“Are you gonna be ok?” Dizzy scratched his head as he studied me.

“Yeah, just too many hours awake I guess.”

“Alright. If you say so.” Dizzy didn’t look entirely convinced. “Here’s the number at the hospital anyway.” He handed me a piece of paper. The number on it was in her handwriting. “Call her, ok? She really wants to talk to you.”

Without waiting for a response, Dizzy slid the curtain back into place and once more I was alone with only my thoughts to torture me. I flipped onto my back and stared without blinking at the silver ceiling of the bus for so long my vision blurred. I wanted to hear that beautiful voice of hers, but what would that accomplish? What was left for her to say? Nothing I wanted to hear, I was sure.

I crumpled the note in my fist and tossed it at my feet.

I stared out the window, watching the sunrise above the clipped hedge that lined the perimeter of Second Chances. Outside I could hear the fountain softly gurgling, but inside a torrent of conflicting emotions raged within me. I’d been able to keep my mind occupied while I filled out reams of admission paperwork, met the staff and been shown to my quarters. But now I was alone, overwhelmed, and adrift. I longed for a shot of something to numb the pain. It would be so much easier to escape into the drugs than to face what lay before me.

Why hadn’t he called? I’d delayed the transfer for over an hour hoping to hear something from him. Anything. A dark wave of emptiness crashed over me, leaving me hollow in its wake. This was even worse than that morning after prom.

Because now wasn’t a backup plan.

There was no one waiting in the wings to help. The one I’d always counted on to catch me when I fell was ominously absent and silent.

And I had no one to blame but myself. I’d pushed him away one too many times. I sank back onto the mattress and lay down on my side, the polyester comforter scratchy against my wet cheek.

This time I was truly on my own.