The Weight of Souls

23 YOU’RE IN THE CLUB NOW

“Taylor, you’ll be late for the bus.” Dad’s voice drifted up the stairs and I clenched my fists.

“And suddenly you’re the school police,” I muttered, kicking my heels against the bed post.

“What’s the matter?” Justin leaned against the wall by the mirror, apparently his preferred spot. “Don’t want to go to school?”

“Shut up.” I tried to make myself rise, knowing Dad would soon come up to chivvy me along, but my body wouldn’t obey me. I picked at a spot on my bedspread. “If you must know, Hannah isn’t speaking to me.”

“She’ll get over it.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

Justin caught my eye. “Then she doesn’t.” He cleared his throat as if embarrassed. “You’re the strongest person I know, you’ll go on without her.”

I swallowed and returned my stare to the loose thread on my coverlet. “I don’t think I am strong without Hannah. I’m not sure I can face the dogs on my own.”

After a moment a cool hand covered mine and I jumped. Justin had moved to sit beside me on the bed.

“You are and you can.” He spoke without meeting my eye. “You’ve dealt with this,” he fingered the edge of my glove, “on your own for how long now? Three years? You put up with all our crap for longer than that. You just faced an oncoming train. You can do anything.”

I swallowed again. “I just can’t deal with it right now.”

Justin sighed. “Everyone feels that way sometimes; at least you haven’t run away to the Science Museum.”

A snort made me cover my nose and before I could think about it I was asking, “Will you come with me?”

“To school? Are you kidding?”

“Just for today.” I finally met his eyes and knew mine were pleading.

“One of the only good things about being dead is not having to sit through double French.” He pulled his hand away from mine.

“What else are you going to do with your day?”

He hissed through his teeth. “Taylor, I–”

“It’s your fault, the fight I had with Hannah. OK, I guess it’s been coming for a while, but it wouldn’t have been this week.”

“I don’t want to see Tamsin,” he finally blurted.

I stared at him. “Right, I forgot.” It would hurt Justin to see Tamsin all over James; a knife in the heart on top of the fall from the scaffold.

I stood up and forced a smile. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll manage.”

Justin twisted his fingers together awkwardly.

“Seriously, I’ll cope.” I flicked my hair over my shoulders and straightened. “What’s the worst they can do?”

Justin suddenly looked up with a grin. “Taylor, you’ve forgotten something.”

“What?” I frowned.

“You’re in the V Club now, you’re popular.”

The common room was crowded when I arrived and habit made me look for Hannah. I spotted her crown of bright hair over on a table by the window and automatically my feet started in her direction. As if she’d sensed me come in, she stopped her conversation and turned. Her warm eyes met mine and instantly cooled. My feet faltered as she, very deliberately, shoved her bag on the empty seat next to her and turned her back.

The air in the room fled and I stood in between tables, struggling to breathe, hurting and humiliated.

“What’re you doing, Oh?” Harley shoved me in the small of the back and I stumbled. Anger swung me round like a top and my fists clenched at my waist.

He stepped back, hands raised. “Easy ‘eye of the tiger’. I was just coming to get you. You looked lost.”

I felt like an anime version of myself, as if I should have a huge question-mark blinking above my head.

“Come on, we’ve saved you a seat.”

“You’ve what?”

Harley leaned in. “You’re in the club now. You sit with us.”

“You want me to sit with you?” I tested the words out, but they still felt foreign and wrong.

Harley shrugged. “‘Want’ is a strong word, but you’re in V and you rocked the dare last night. I can’t wait to see what you do next.” He grinned. “Anyway, the rule is, V sticks together. You’re with us now.”

Moving like an automaton and half wondering if I was still asleep I followed Harley over to the “popular table”. As I approached I expected the usual raft of insults to fly at me, but nothing happened. Tentatively I put my hand on the back of a chair. Still no one prevented me. Like an addict, unable to stop myself, I glanced over at Hannah. She was watching me with her jaw slack and her hands clutched to her chest.

One of her new friends nudged her and she closed her mouth and looked away.

Fine then. I swung into my new chair and dumped my bag at my feet.

Tamsin sat opposite me filing her nails. James was next to her, lounging cross-armed. His eyes fell on me and didn’t shift, not even when it became uncomfortable. I looked away first, to find Pete looking at Hannah with sadness in his eyes.

“You were right,” I muttered. “She’s had enough of me.”

Pete rubbed his head. “It’s probably for the best. She won’t ask questions now.”

Tamsin glanced up. “What do you care? You’re with us now, sweetie.”

I nodded. But if I was popular, why did I feel like my guts had been scooped out with a spoon?

Just before bell a hand landed on my shoulder. I would have flown out of my chair if the weight of it wasn't preventing me.

“Well, well, well, Taylor Oh.” Mr Barnes’ voice confirmed the owner of the hand. “It seems you’ve ‘dared’ to become a bit more sociable.” He laughed with forced joviality and for some reason my mind flashed up an image of the dead clown. “Didn’t I tell you there were opportunities in this school, that the unpopular could rise?”

At the edge of my vision his meaty fingers twitched on my shoulder. “Yes, Mr Barnes.”

“Yes, Mr Barnes,” he falsettoed and his shirt sleeve rode up. On his wrist, mostly hidden by his cuffs was the edge of a tattoo.

As he patted my shoulder and stepped back I whipped around to look from James to the headmaster. James was grinning with a sly and superior air. Mr Barnes nodded at him, tugged his shirt back into place and strode away, already growling at someone for leaving their bag in the walkway between tables.

I rubbed my shoulder, as if I could remove the taint of his touch.

“I wish you wouldn’t wear that dorky glove,” Tamsin sighed. “It’s so… gawd I don’t know, emo.”

I glowered at her. “Trust me, you want me to keep the glove.”