The Weight of Souls

26 MY LAST THOUGHT

I nursed a coffee in the kitchen and tried not to check the time every two minutes. Every bulb was blazing, even the ones under the cupboards, yet it still felt as if the shadows were closing in. Although it was a sunny day there was a quality to the light that suggested approaching night. The air was oppressive and I felt anxious and on edge, as if I was in the eye of a storm and it was about to break.

Justin watched me with solemn eyes. Finally he spoke. “I'm coming with you.”

I tightened my hands around my mug. “I know how hard that will be for you.”

I knew I should tell him to stay behind, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to do the dare alone. And if something went wrong I wanted someone with me. Someone I liked.

I caught my breath. I... liked Justin. I explored the sensation as if I was probing a broken tooth with my tongue.

Sure, he was good-looking, but he'd always been attractive; his attitude had made me immune. Somehow this last fortnight he'd become a friend and that had exposed my heart. I glanced at him then quickly away, afraid that he'd somehow be able to spot the change in me.

He knew about my curse and more than that, he was helping to keep the ghosts away. With Justin I felt safe and perhaps understood for the first time since my mum had died. With deepening depression I found myself wishing that there was a way that he could remain by my side, but when I found his killer he'd move on and leave me alone once more.

I thought of my mum’s promise to me with a snigger. Was this the “love” that I was supposedly guaranteed? An unrequited crush on a dead teenager.

Hysterical laughter bubbled in my chest. At least if I was going to die tonight, I'd have had this feeling. Tainted with darkness as it was, it was better than the nothing that had filled me until now.

I swallowed it back. “I'd better find Dad and say goodbye.”

Justin's fingers edged across the table until they touched my wrist. “Hey.” He smiled gently as I looked up. “We're going to be alright.”

We met the others at the bus stop so we could go together to the site of Justin's death. Before we left I had pulled the glove over my hand with shaking fingers. I'd never seen a Mark so black and I was pretty certain the Darkness was coming for me, maybe even tonight. If I could just stay ahead of it for a few more hours I’d know who Justin’s killer was and could pass the Mark on.

I wasn’t even entertaining the thought that my plan wouldn’t work.

I glanced along the back seat of the bus and my eyes skidded past Tamsin, Harley, Pete, and James: the group that had escorted Justin. One of them had to know what really happened that night.

Justin was sitting on an empty seat in front. He glanced back every so often, with an expression that said he was checking on me. And each time he turned his head I sensed the effort it took him not to look at Tamsin and James.

Biting my lip I looked out the window. Another ten minutes and we’d be getting off the bus. Apparently our stop was only a short walk from the building site. I fidgeted in my seat. I wasn’t comfortable putting my toes on the bus floor. The shadows beneath the seat were definitely darker than they should be and they sucked at my heels when I put them down.

We stood outside the chippy on the high street. It was that odd witching hour in the suburbs of London between the shops closing down for the day and the bars opening up for the evening. A few doors remained open, a vendor selling sari silk, a Costcutter, a newsagent. These hopeful businesses spilled electric light and noise onto the pavement, but the street was fairly quiet and most shops were dead.

A man walked towards us with two huge dogs on leads. All three of them wore studded collars and I couldn’t take my eyes off the hounds. They weren’t friendly. As they drew level with us one of them sniffed towards the chip shop while the other drooled and looked at me with eyes so black they reminded me of the void imprinted on my hand. Inadvertently I took a step backwards and the dog growled.

Its owner glared at me as if I’d deliberately antagonised his animals and a flash of anger warmed me. Where did he get off?

I was sick of feeling hunted and being scared. I was going to climb that scaffolding and then the idiots with me would have to tell me what really happened to Justin. Then I could get rid of the Mark and… and Justin would be gone.

I was trying to keep my glances at Justin to a minimum. He stood next to Pete and watched me with wary brown eyes, so different from those of my one-time friend. Justin was the only one of us wearing a uniform, the others had insisted on hoodies and jeans for this trip, and he looked a little lost. His skin was still pale, his face pinched and nervous. Of course, when he was last here, he’d died. I should be checking on him, not the other way around. I gave him an encouraging smile.

“What’re you gurning at?” Tamsin peered around James, seeing nothing but the Costcutter on the other side of the road.

I spread my gloved hand. “Nothing. Just thinking about stuff.”

“Freak.”

We stood a hundred metres down from the building site and I wondered if they’d stopped here last time too. Pete’s hands were wrapped around the portion of chips he’d just bought. Grease and vinegar dripped from the paper onto the gum-stained pavement. Tamsin curled her lip and my own stomach rolled at the smell.

James nodded at the security insignia that hung on the link fence that surrounded the building site. “We need another diversion. You ready?”

Pete nodded and tilted his head. “I’ll need Tamsin this time.”

Arm-in-arm the couple walked down the street towards the building site. Suddenly the girl pulled away. “You can’t talk to me like that!”

“I was only kidding.” The boy thought he could talk his way out of whatever he’d said.

“What about the other day? What about the party? I’ve had enough.”

“Where did that come from?” It was the boy’s turn to pull back.

“You’re a total waster. It’s over.”

“What?” He was shouting now. “You can’t just dump me!”

“Get over yourself, I just did. Anyway, why would you care, you want someone with some ‘junk in their trunk’, right?”

“I was joking!” The girl was stalking away now, leaving the boy outside the building site. His eyes glittered above his dark jumper as he thumped the chain link fence. “Dammit.”

“Hey.” The guard’s voice reached us. “What’re you doing?”

“Didn’t you see? She just dumped me.” The boy rubbed his bald head. “I can’t believe it.” He looked at his right hand as if he’d forgotten he was clutching a bag of chips. “I don’t feel like these any more. You want them?”

The guard glanced left and right, then shrugged. “Go on then.”

The boy leaned on the fence. “Did you see her? She was fit. Out of my league really…”

“Come on.” James pulled on my sleeve. “We’ve got a minute or two. Let’s get round the back.”

Tamsin rejoined us and fluffed up her hair. “Did you see Pete try and make me eat those greasy carbs?”

“It worked.” James put his arm around her shoulder and led us down a side road to the rear of the site. “Pull up your hoods, girls. There’s CCTV everywhere.” Harley was already donning his and now James too covered his hair and pulled the cowl low over his eyes. Instantly he seemed even more menacing.

I shivered and tweaked my own hood over my eyes, narrowing the world to a tunnel.

The fence was at least six foot, but there was no barbed wire or anything. I was about to set my hands and feet on it when Harley grabbed my shoulder. I turned, mouth opening, and saw a couple hurrying past us with their heads down.

“Boo,” he shouted and they crossed quickly to the other side of the road.

Tamsin smacked him as he snickered. “Way to call attention to us.”

Harley just grinned and James gestured towards the fence.

Justin gave my fingers a quick squeeze, then phased through the chain link right beneath the “No Access” sign. I shivered as I watched him go. It was so easy to forget what he was.

Suddenly he reappeared. “Start climbing here, there’s some stuff piled up on the other side. You can jump down.”

I nodded and moved to the spot he indicated. Then I took one last look around. It was almost dark and the streetlights cast orange circles onto the grey pavement.

We were overlooked only by the rears of buildings. Bulging rubbish bags sat outside one scratched door; probably the back of a bar. A rustling sound made me jump and my eyes jerked back to the bins. A sudden glittering made me inhale as a fox raised its muzzle from the rubbish. It regarded us coldly then gave a short yip and disappeared down the street, slipping from light pool to light pool, then melting into an abandoned lot.

I licked dry lips and turned back to the fence.

Time to climb.

We were all inside.

Tamsin had made a bit of a production about it, but even she had managed to scale the fence. And I judged by Justin’s disgusted expression that she would have been fine even without the help James had given her.

I looked away from her drama. I had to focus.

The scaffolding rose into the sky in front of me, like the skeleton of a decomposed building. Long metal bones, held together with bolts like sinews, were boarded with wood that looked black in the dim light.

I stepped forward and a light blazed white. It picked me out like a prisoner and threw my shadow against the fence.

I yipped as loudly as the fox and took a jump back.

“Freeze.” Harley gripped my arm. “It’s movement sensitive.”

After a moment the light went out. There was no sign of the security guard; Pete must still have him talking.

“Now what?” I shook my arm free.

Harley shook his head. “There’s no way you’ll be able to do this, China. Time to leave.”

Justin nodded agreement, but I ignored him and bit my lip. “Where’s the light? Can we cover it with something?”

James draped his arm over Tamsin and pointed. The spotlight was fixed to a pole at the edge of the scaffold. “Cover it with what?”

“My hoodie. I could try and throw it over.”

“Throw it?” Tamsin sneered and her nails peeped out from the sleeves of her sweatshirt as she stretched. “Who do you think you are?”

“I can’t think of anything else, can you?” I looked meaningfully at Justin and pulled my jumper off. It tugged at my hair which fell back against my shoulders in a heavy curtain as I whipped it in front of me.

I made a show of judging the direction and distance to the light; then I threw. It shouldn’t have made it, but Justin snagged the sleeve and ran. For the others it must have looked as though it had been caught by the wind. Finally Justin tossed the shirt over the spotlight. It caught by the hood.

“Wow.” James stared at me, his lips pursed in surprise.

“Awright, China.” Harley punched the air.

Under her own hood Tamsin’s perfect eyebrows were raised. “Lucky,” she muttered.

“Yeah.” I checked on Justin, but he wasn’t looking at me. Instead his eyes were trained on the far side of the site. At first I thought the guard was coming; then I saw the old woman. She was wearing a hospital gown and leaning on a crutch. No way had she just climbed the fence.

Justin whipped round to face me as the old lady started to limp forward. He could either help me climb the scaffold or keep the other ghost from giving me a Mark.

“Oh no,” I whispered. “Not now.”

“‘Not now’ what?” Tamsin leaned forward, her face feral in the dim light.

“Just a headache coming on.”

“I don’t want to hear excuses.” James slicked a stray hair beneath his hood with the palm of one hand. “Are you doing this, Oh? I’m expecting great things.”

I wrapped my arms around my chest. The ghost was still coming. Justin looked from me to the scaffold to the old lady, his eyes darting from one to the other. Finally I pointed at the ghost. Like a beacon my white glove shone with the message: Just keep her away from me.

Miserably, Justin moved towards the spectre while I strode towards the scaffolding. Immediately the floodlight came on, but it was shining through my black top and the light was muted.

At the bottom of the structure I looked up. Justin had said it didn’t look that bad from the bottom; that it was much higher looking down from the top. From where I stood, it seemed to tower above me so how high would it seem when I got up there?

I shivered and closed my bare hand around the first pole.

It was chilly; not as bitter as the touch of the hounding dead, but cold. Flakes peeled off and jabbed at my bare skin. I inhaled and smelled rust, like blood, on the shaft.

I looked back. Tamsin relaxed in James’ embrace, watching me with her cat-like eyes. Harley held his phone in front of his face, recording me with impersonal precision.

I hadn’t intended to do this climb alone. Automatically I tortured myself by looking for Justin. He was holding his arms wide in front of the intruding ghost, talking intently and making himself into a barrier.

My back straightened. I would take this in stages; the first thing to do was get to the top of the scaffolding.

It was just like a climbing frame, only higher. I forced my limbs to stop shaking and started my journey.

Six feet up, I looked down and gasped. Beneath me, lit by the muted spotlight, tendrils of blackness were tangling together. They gathered like snakes to form an abyss that dragged at my feet like a black hole inhaling the air.

My heart thudded and my trainer slipped as my focus shifted from the scaffolding to the ground. I yelped breathlessly and threw my arms around a timber crosspiece.

“You’re hardly off the ground, Oh, you’re never going to make it.” James and Tamsin were laughing.

I pressed my lips together, twined my legs around a brace and forced my shaking arms to unclench. Then I looked up. I hadn’t even reached the top of the first floor.

Quickly I checked on the new ghost. One more Mark and the Darkness would ascend for sure. As my eyes met hers she grimaced at me toothlessly. Without having to think about it, I had a good idea what her story would be. An old woman in a hospital gown; she’d have me looking for her own Doctor Death. I frowned, feeling an unfamiliar wave of sympathy and reached for the spar above my head. I had to concentrate on the climb.

I was glad I was wearing Mum’s glove because my hands were sweating furiously. It wasn’t so bad walking along the girders, but every so often I had to swing myself from floor to floor and my palms were as slippery as if I’d soaped them.

The white glove glowed red in the dim light, stained with rust and oil. The odour of sweaty metal hung about my other palm as I climbed higher and higher above the street. Soon I was over the level of the fence and able to look out on the road below. The alley remained quiet, but I could hear the bars starting to fill.

A loud creak made me freeze and a pole shifted under my hand. Once my heart had started up again I gripped the crosspiece with my legs and gave the pillar a shake. A bolt rattled. It was loose, but should bear my weight.

I had to keep going. Unable to stop myself I looked down. Now Tamsin’s face was only a white circle, her features erased by darkness and distance. I let my eyes shift further. The void below my feet remained, pulsating, waiting, but no longer moving.

And Justin? He was nowhere to be seen. The old woman was standing by herself, leaning on the fence. She saw my glance and waved. What had Justin said to make the ghost stay back? And where the hell was he?

My panicked gaze strayed back to the leering void. Had Justin tried to climb after me? Had the Darkness taken him? My chest tightened until I could barely breathe.

“We don’t have all night.” James’ voice floated up to me. I swallowed, nodded and continued to climb.

Now when I looked up I could see stars. The building must be four stories. Not the highest in the borough, but high enough so that I could see over rooftops and into backlit windows.

I paused on a platform to take a breath, stepped backwards and knocked into a bucket, half-hidden by a coil of dangling rope. I jumped as it skidded off the edge and leaned forward to watch it crash onto the foundations and scatter bricks.

Tamsin shrieked. The bricks that bounced into the patch of boiling Darkness simply disappeared. The others rolled on the concrete and lay still.

Only then did it really hit me: Justin had fallen and scattered on the concrete right there. They found his body on that exact patch of ground.

I clutched my collar. What had gone through his head on the way down? Did he have time to think? Had the fall seemed eternal, or was it fast, one moment a slip, the next blackness?

“Oh God,” I whispered. And I looked up again. The shaft I was expected to cross was right above me. I could still see a police marker on the pole; presumably where Justin’s foot had slipped. He fell right past the spot I was standing on.

My legs started to tremble. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can.” Justin came up behind me and his hand steadied my elbow. “I thought I should come up round the back, there’s something not right down there.” He indicated the Dark with a tilt of his tousled head.

I swallowed with a dry throat. “It’s the Darkness.”

He nodded slowly. “Right where I landed?”

“Yes. Are you OK?” My eyes met his as he shuddered.

“I’ll live.” Then he snorted. “You know what I mean.”

I nodded again. “Why isn’t the old girl following?”

Justin licked his lips. “I explained to her about the Darkness. I told her if she waited and let you finish with me, you’d come back for her.”

“You did what?” I clamped my mouth shut and breathed deeply. “You did the right thing.” I rolled my shoulders; since Justin had returned it felt as if a medicine ball had been lifted from them.

I didn’t want to think about what would happen after I got rid of the Mark. Justin would leave and I’d be, well not exactly alone, because the hounding dead made sure I’d never be by myself, but I would be lonely.

“Let’s get this over with.”

Justin gave my arm a squeeze and together we finished the climb.

At the top of the scaffolding there was a heady breeze. A floor below I’d been sheltered by the brickwork, but now I was completely exposed. The wind tugged at my hair like an old enemy, whipped it back behind my neck and slapped my cheeks with cold hands.

My grip on the final piece of pole was so tight my knuckles almost burst through the glove. My fingers ached and my knees felt like stiffened bolts holding my trembling legs against the prodding of the wind.

“Don’t look down,” Justin whispered.

I looked down.

He’d told me it looked terrifying and it did. Vertigo gripped me and I swayed. Nausea filled me with a hot stew that roiled in my gut and tried to bend me double.

I remembered the hall of mirrors, the one I’d entered during my first day living with the curse. Now my trainers protruded above a drop that stretched and dwindled, just like an image in that funhouse mirror, but it was real. “Oh help.”

“It’s going to be alright. I’ll be holding you all the way.”

“I can’t let go. M-my fingers won’t work.” I stared at him, standing on the pole one over from mine, his arm spanning the distance between us. “H-how did you do it?”

His mouth twisted and his hand spasmed, pinching my skin almost painfully. Maybe it was meant to be a reassuring squeeze. “I didn’t, remember?”

“Oh.” I closed my eyes.

“I’ve got you.” Justin released my arm and I opened my eyes to see him renew his grip on the strut above his head. Then he held his hand out. “Walk as if you’re on a tightrope, hold my hand. It’ll be four little steps then you can hold on again.”

“Four little steps.”

“Less than ten seconds if you do it fast.”

My knees started to shake. There was no way I was going to be able to take even one little step. My legs would betray me, buckle and send me cartwheeling through the insubstantial sky, just like Justin.

Far off in the distance I could hear Tamsin and James. They were shouting at me, trying to make me move.

They could stick it.

“It’s the only way you’ll find out the truth,” Justin murmured. “If you still think I was murdered, if you still think someone down there, one of my friends, had something to do with it. This is the only way you’ll ever get to know.”

“Four little steps,” I choked.

“Holding my hand all the way. You won’t be alone.”

My arm was clamped to my side, but I forced it out like the wing of a bird preparing to glide. My shirt fluttered and the breeze tickled my empty fingers, almost pulled them back, tried to overbalance me. Then Justin’s long fingers curled around my wrist and I clutched his.

I was still holding onto the pole with one hand, so tightly I thought I might leave behind an imprint on the metal. Panting I bullied my cramping fingers open.

I felt my balance shift towards Justin, panic compressed my chest and I quickly threw my arm out to the other side until I was standing still.

My toes itched inside my trainers, desperate to curl around the cylindrical bar. Thank God it hadn’t been raining.

“Ready?” Justin murmured. He knew better than to surprise me by raising his voice.

I gave the barest nod of my head, terrified of altering my position in any way, and he took a tiny step forward.

With a moan of terror, I shuffled my right foot forward no more than a single inch.

“You can do it.” Justin stepped again, leading me by the arm.

Whimpering steadily I forced my foot forward some more, then brought my left one to meet it.

The wind decided to play and jerked my hair in front of my eyes. “Stop,” I cried and felt Justin wobble as he caught his balance and waited for me.

I tossed my head, trying to free my eyes; I didn’t dare brush it aside properly. Finally the wind cooperated and tugged it back again.

I looked. One more step and I’d be in reach of the pole on the other side.

My whimpers turned into tears. I could feel them wetting my numb cheeks and a distant part of myself shouted that I’d never cried in front of Justin when he was alive, so why would I start now?

“Shut the hell up,” I shouted at myself and took that last step, throwing my left arm forward at the very last second and grabbing the pole.

“I did it.” I hugged the cold metal with my eyes closed. The other hand I left in Justin’s.

“Yes, you did.” Justin’s tone made me look up. His voice was pleased, but his eyes were tortured. “Well done.” I had succeeded where he had not. It must hurt.

“Don’t let go.” Alarm entered my tone as he loosened his grip.

“It’s OK.” He released my wrist and immediately weaved his long fingers through mine. “You did great.”

There was a crossbar just in front of my pole and Justin carefully stepped across and stood in front of me.

Impulsively I released my hold on the pole and threw my arms around him. I could feel my heart thudding against his hollow chest, my cheeks wet against his cold throat.

“I thought I was going to die.”

“I know.” He ran his palms along my spine. Somehow, even up in the sky his touch calmed me.

I clenched my fists in his blazer and raised my head.

His face was right above mine. His lips were wet as if he’d just licked them and his eyes blazed with dark fire. Suddenly he bent his head and touched his mouth to mine. Gently at first, then hard, as if my kiss was the only thing he’d ever wanted.

I froze, surprise turning my lips into ice.

It wasn’t my first kiss. Years ago I’d had a moment with Pete, but it hadn’t felt like this. My limbs tingled and my blood sang in my ears.

Justin’s lips were soft and slightly chill. After an eternity his mouth opened. I breathed past his lips softly but no breath came back to twine with mine. My nose pressed into his cheek and I inhaled the fading scent that was all him.

There was a hint of roughness on his skin, it wasn’t yet stubble, but one day it would have been. I moved one hand to his face and breathed harder. Justin’s lips seemed to grow warmer as if his skin was absorbing my heat. He groaned into my mouth as I felt his fists on my back.

Then I wobbled.

Off-balance we broke apart and gripped the poles on either side of us, gasping as we remembered where we were.

My knees were shaking and I felt a hundred years old. I guessed exhaustion had caught up with me as adrenaline poured out and was replaced by… something else.

I let my hair blow over my face and looked at Justin through the curtain. I opened my mouth to ask if he was alright, or maybe if he’d meant the kiss, but the whole world tilted and my knees buckled.

As unconsciousness took me, I sensed my fingers relax on the metal brace and felt myself begin to fall. My last impression was Justin’s horror-struck face and my last thought: at least I wouldn’t know about it when I hit the Darkness.