The Weight of Souls

4 CRASH AND BURN

Hannah’s hair was orange today. It bobbed opposite me like a neon dandelion. I was focusing my blurring eyes on the way the sun glowed off the fluffy ends, mainly because last night's hunt had stopped me from revising for yet another test.

Hannah glanced up at me with her X-Files pen in her mouth. She narrowed her eyes in concern when she saw my lack of activity.

I shrugged helplessly and watched her agonise, trying to work out a way to get her answers over to me. I shook my head, telling her not to worry. She cut her eyes to the clock, to the teacher and back to my empty page. Her hand twitched as if she was going to slide hers across. I shook my head more vigorously and Miss Carroll’s whipped up.

“Heads down,” she snapped.

Hannah’s head plunged as if she’d been dunked. I ducked more slowly and as I turned my eyes back to the set of unanswerable questions I caught sight of Justin to my right. He was failing to hide his amusement at my obvious crash and burn. I noted with grim dismay that his sheet was filled with cramped handwriting.

Surreptitiously I looked around the room. Pete was frowning over his work, his dark eyes flicking from the questions to the page with the intense focus that was such a part of everything he did. James was next to him, glaring at the question paper as if it had offended him. I straightened a little. Maybe I wasn’t the only one due for a fail this week. Then he stabbed his pencil on the paper and started to write, pushing so hard I could hear the scratching of his answers over the rustling and quiet sighs that otherwise filled the air.

I sighed. Maybe I could attempt question five. Maybe. I picked up my pencil just as the bell rang.

Figures.

“What happened? You were fine with this stuff when we did it in class.” Hannah looked tragic.

“It’s OK, Han, I just forgot to revise.” I avoided her eyes and packed up my bag.

“But you didn’t answer anything.”

I shrugged. “My mind went blank.”

“Like it’s ever been anything else,” Tamsin sneered as she elbowed past. “But then I suppose you’ve got your career mapped out already. You’ll be working at the takeaway, bagging the prawn crackers. Don’t need good grades for that.” She tossed her hair and shouldered Hannah aside, knocking my bag onto the floor in the process. Books and pens flew and I grabbed for it quickly, but not quickly enough. The box of Lillets I carried burst and sellophaned cotton sticks rolled around the floor, slippery as crayons. One rolled to a halt in front of Justin and I burned crimson as he nudged it with his toe, eyebrows climbing into his hairline.

“What’s the matter, Hargreaves, never seen a tampon before?” I snapped. But it was hard to seem unconcerned while scrabbling on the floor to pick them up. Hannah bent to help me, swiping them into the box, but they wouldn’t go in any which way and we had to spend time organising them as the back of my neck set on fire.

“Maybe your girlfriend doesn’t need them yet.” I spoke to Justin, but glared at Tamsin.

She shook her head at me coolly. “Some of us don’t share these things with everyone.” She hoisted her bag higher on her shoulder. “Some of us have class.” She flicked her hair again and posed, waiting for Justin to take her arm. He actually stepped over me to get to her.

Pete was behind him as always. Shame and disgust warred on his face as he edged by. Hannah didn’t even raise her head and my heart hurt as I realised she wasn’t even trying with him any more. There was a time when the two of them had been close, but that hadn’t been true for a while.

I hunched my shoulders over the last of the offending items and shoved the box back in my bag, making sure to put them in the zipped compartment.

Finally I stood and came face to face with James.

He stood far too close, crowding my space. He was so tall my nose was inches from his collar bone and I could smell his stale deodorant, which had obviously been over-taxed by the test. I was forced to look up at him.

Once he saw me raise my eyes, his mouth curved into a cool smile and my chest tightened. That smile had nothing friendly in it whatsoever. My forearms prickled as goosebumps pebbled the skin. Automatically I tried to step back, but the table was in the way.

“Come on, James.” It was Pete. He was leaning on the doorjamb. He deliberately avoided looking at me, but I just knew he was finally staging a rescue.

I couldn’t take it. Not from him.

My spine straightened, even as the splinters on the edge of the table pricked my thighs. “Yes, go on, Jimbo, Daddy’s waiting.”

My words made James’ lip twitch and he leaned further forward. Some part of me expected him to reveal fangs. The classroom faded away until there was only James with his huge body and stinking breath.

Then I heard Hannah squeak and Miss Carroll’s voice brought the room back into being. “Don’t you have another class to go to?”

I swallowed as James waited an insolent few seconds then stepped back. “Yes, Miss, on my way.”

Hannah grabbed my arm. Her shirt shivered with the thumping of her heart. “Are you alright?” she whispered.

“Of course.” I squeezed her elbow. “He’s a Neanderthal, you know that. Does whatever Justin wants.”

And that was the problem wasn’t it? Because Justin Hargreaves said so, I was fair game and no one had the guts to do anything about it.

It hadn’t always been this way. I’d once been part of a trio: Pete, Hannah and myself. All three of us were just a little bit different. Pete was the only black guy in the year, I was the only oriental and then there was Hannah. She was a pale-skinned Scot who wanted to be Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her hair changed its hue two or three times a term in line with her mum’s boyfriends. We weren’t in any of the popular cliques, but we weren’t at the bottom of the pecking order either. We hovered somewhere in the middle, nobody bothered about us. We were just normal. And then… we weren’t. Or at least, I wasn’t.

I glanced out of the window, remembering. The clown had stood right there on the day my life had changed. The balloons that no other child could see had tangled just there, around the netball posts. I still heard the flap-slap of his shoes in my nightmares. I clenched my fist around the ghost of my first ever Mark, the one the dead joker had left when he had touched me. I had thought it was just black greasepaint until I realised that there was no washing it off. The clown had been the ghost to start it all.

Rage threatened to boil and I pushed the memory down, “parked it” as the counsellor I saw after the accident was fond of saying. I visualised the garage, the space where the images would sit waiting for their next outing.

Then I walked with Hannah out of the classroom.

“I don’t want to do this. Can’t you pick something else?”

The whine came from the common room. I tightened my grip on Hannah’s arm. “We shouldn’t get involved.”

“I know. Heads down.” Hannah dropped her eyes and we walked forward, prepared to ignore whatever was happening.

The group was clustered around a plastic table. What a surprise… Justin, Tamsin, James and Harley. Only Pete was missing.

Justin leaned nonchalantly against the table in the centre of the room. The rest of them had a boy from the year below pinned against a chairback. The kid looked terrified.

“You wanted in.” James jabbed him in the chest with a stiffened finger and I saw red.

“Taylor,” Hannah squeaked and tried to grab me, but I was already moving. I shoved my bag back at her.

“Leave him alone, you penis extension.”

Tamsin turned, already laughing. “You want us to leave him alone?” She stroked a red nail across the boy’s cheek and I shuddered. “What do you want us to do, Alan? You want us to leave you alone?”

“I-I…” The boy’s collar moved with the bobbing of his Adam’s apple.

“You know what’ll happen, Alan.” James leaned in, menacing.

“He’s younger than you. Have some self-respect!” I clenched my fists.

Tamsin took a slow pace towards me. “You want to take his place, Godzilla?”

“Hey, no!” Alan grabbed her arm. “I’m in, I told you. I’ll do it, whatever you want.” He avoided my eyes. “She’s not taking my place.”

“That’s nice of you kid, but–”

“Go away, alright? Just go away.” Red spots decorated Alan’s cheeks as if he’d been slapped. Around the redness he was pale and scared.

“I can tell a teacher,” I murmured.

He shook his head violently. “I’m OK, don’t do anything.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You want these arseholes to harass you? Fine.” I spun on my heel and saw Justin’s supercilious grin. “You are such a tool,” I snapped at him.

Hannah was right behind me, ready to back me up like always. I grabbed my bag from her clenched fists, swung it over my shoulder and stalked towards the corridor. “Come on, Hannah, we’re late for science.”

Behind me I heard a sound like a growl. It was almost inhuman. I stopped and turned. Once more James was glowering at me, head lowered so his eyes were shadowed by his jutting brow. “Neanderthal,” I muttered, but I increased my pace.

“That class sucked.” Hannah shoved her hair out of her eyes and shuddered. She was sweating through her shirt. “I hate physics. I loathe it. Seriously, how can you stand it?”

I snorted while I quickly checked the courtyard for anyone out of place.

“Honestly, I thought my brain was going to explode.” Hannah pressed her hands on either side of her head, little orange tufts of hair sticking out between her fingers. “I have a headache. I need to go to the office.”

“You mean because it’s a double lesson and we’ve got it again after lunch?”

“I’d forgotten. I’ll die. I’ll literally drop dead from an aneurysm.”

I burst out laughing. She looked so wretched. Hannah in drama mode was always funny. Not that she saw it that way.

“Come on, Han,” I sighed. “If it makes you feel better I’m going to fail that class too.”

“Stop laughing, you cow. It doesn’t make me feel better. You and exams are a disaster. You break my heart. I’m going to get drugs, lots of drugs.”

“Good luck with that.” I shoved her gently in the direction of the office. “I’ll see you later. Usual spot?”

Hannah nodded carefully as if she really was worried that a sudden movement would topple her head from her shoulders. I watched her totter away, smiled and swung my bag higher on my shoulder. The sun was trying to burn through the clouds; I’d eat outside and get in our “spot” early. Way better than running the gauntlet of the common room and eating alone in a room full of cliques.

I was sitting with my legs in the weak sunshine, enjoying the feel of the rays on my shins. My sandwich had gone soggy in my lunchbox, but I was picking the filling out and eating it between crisps. The wall of the art room was warming my back and I had a clear view of the courtyard. Hannah wasn’t keeping me company, but my hands were clean of dead men’s Marks, there was no sign of anything out of the ordinary and I was feeling relatively alright with the world.

I looked down to pick some more cucumber from my sandwich and a shadow fell over me.

I caught my breath; had I missed a ghost?

No. I forced my shoulders to relax, ghosts don’t cast shadows.

I glanced up. It was the boy from earlier: Alan.

“Hey,” I grunted, but he said nothing and didn’t move. “What’s up?”

He took a deep breath and crouched next to me. “Sorry about this,” he whispered.

“Huh?” I had time to get my legs half under me, but that just had me off balance when he shoved me, hard. I teetered for a second then fell on my side, dropping my lunch into the dust and twisting my wrist under my hip. Shock froze me for a moment, long enough for him to grab my bag and run for it.

“What just happened?” I shouted; then I leaped up and sprinted after him.

My feet flew across the concrete and my skirt flipped up to my thighs. I could run, so the stupid kid didn’t stand a chance. Despite my confusion I was almost enjoying the chase. Alan cut across the grass, heading for the athletics track. My bag bumped against his back, shedding pens and books like Hansel in the forest. I’d pick them up later. Right now I wanted my hands on the little toad.

All my attention was on the fleeing junior; the redness on his neck, the hammer of his trainers on the hard-packed earth. Around us our classmates were stopping what they were doing and pointing, starting to laugh. I didn’t care.

I was almost caught up with him when I passed the storage shed next to the long jump pit.

My foot caught on something that hadn’t been there when Alan scampered past. I careered forward, my arms spinning as I tried to keep my balance. Then a brutal shove caught me from behind and I literally flew off my feet.

I smashed face first into the sandpit.

I didn’t even have time to cry out. The grains abraded my face like sandpaper and crammed my mouth and nose. They stung my chest like carpet burn, and padded out my shirt. My already-twisted wrist shrieked with pain and I lay there stunned and unable to move, wondering what had happened.

Then something hit my back and I pushed myself up, spitting grit. Alan stood above me, shaking my bag upside down to empty it. Once more the Lillets spilled out, this time pattering onto my bare legs.

Rage almost blinded me and my ears rang, but still I could hear the laughter. I turned and there they were, James and Harley, holding onto each other so they weren’t floored by their own hilarity. Over by the track Justin and Tamsin stood holding hands and grinning like idiots.

I flashed to Alan in the common room with Justin’s gang trying to get him to do something.

That did it.

I flew out of the sandpit, shedding fine grains like a rattlesnake. I covered the ground in seconds and threw myself at Justin, wrapping my hands around his throat.

I still had sand in my mouth, so I spat it at him while cursing and trying to throttle the superior look off his face.

Distantly I heard Tamsin shrieking and hands closed around my upper arms, pulling me free.

“You think this is funny?” I yelled. “You still think it’s funny?”

Everything had gone red. I kicked and fought against whoever had me in his grip.

“Calm down, Tay.” It was Pete’s voice in my ear with the name he hadn’t used in years. Where had he come from? I drooped in his hold and looked around. The whole school had to be watching.

My scratched skin started to throb and my cheeks burned.

“Can’t control herself.” Tamsin’s delighted voice blowtorched through my daze. “Typical foreigner. Just attacked us for no reason.”

I was about to blow sky high when I heard Miss Carroll. “No reason, Tamsin? Then why are her things all over the sandpit? Justin, obviously she blames you and I’m sure she has good cause. I’m getting sick of having to do this, but both of you come with me to see Mr Barnes. Again.”