Just To Be With You

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Tatiana woke to an empty bed, but Ian’s scent still lingered so she closed her eyes and smiled as she breathed him in.

Last night had been incredible, surpassing any dreams she’d had of what lovemaking might be like by miles. No character she’d ever played or movie she’d ever watched could have prepared her for just how amazing it was to be intimate with the man she loved. The wonder of Ian’s body. The tantalizing way he stroked and caressed her. His hardness to her softness. Every whisper, every sensual command, every look of pleasure and satisfaction in his eyes, had stolen more and more of her heart. Every time she thought she’d experienced the peak of pleasure, Ian had continually found a way to take her even higher, and then higher still.

While shadowing him, she’d thought more than once that he was superhuman, both with regards to his drive and the way he obviously thrived on his intense workload. Now, she thought with a naughty little grin, she knew that he had just as much stamina in bed, too. And, oh how she’d thrived on it…

She knew most people would think it was crazy for her to wait this long to give up her virginity. But she’d been perfectly right to wait for Ian. Not only because she was head over heels in love with him—but because, she thought with another smile that felt wonderfully wicked and wanton on her lips, there was no way any other man could possibly compare between the sheets.

Smelling coffee, she slowly pushed back the covers and slid over to the side of the bed. In the sunlight that streamed in through his bedroom windows, she was more than a little shocked to see faint red marks on her hips. She blushed as she realized Ian had marked her in his passion, with the firm grip of his hands on her hips as he drove her over the edge of bliss again and again.

“I know I should be gentle with you, but all I can think about is how badly I still want you.” Tatiana shivered as she remembered his heated words, and her own heated response: “Then take me again.”

And oh, how he’d taken her. Rough, then sweet. Fierce, then tender. Then hard, fast, and wild again. All the while, even when he’d already pushed her body far past the limits of pleasure that she’d believed she could handle, she’d begged him for more, more, more in a blur of need and desire.

And, most of all, love.

Wanting nothing more than to be near him again, to see the way his dark eyes became even more intense whenever he looked at her, she looked around for her clothes. And then she remembered: Ian had shredded not only her dress, but her panties as well when he’d torn them off her.

She had to laugh, then, at the beautiful madness that had come over both of them yesterday. And thank God it had, because she couldn’t imagine feeling this way all by herself. Besides, she’d seen enough relationships on set to know that crazy only worked when it went in both directions.

She opened Ian’s closet and took one of his long-sleeved, blue striped shirts off the hanger. Wrapping her naked body in it, she breathed in his familiar scent as she rolled up first one too-long sleeve and then the other. Seeing his collection of ties, she decided the one she’d yanked off him the night before would be the perfect way to cap off her impromptu outfit. She headed into his home office, found his tie near the door, then quickly wrapped it around her waist.

Barefoot, she walked into Ian’s open living room and kitchen. She should have known better than to expect all wealthy businessmen to live the same way, but in the morning light she was surprised all over again at just how normal it was. All of the finishes and furnishings were of spectacular quality, of course, and the view from the penthouse had to be one of the best in all of the Pacific Northwest. But where most other men with his wealth would have owned ten thousand square feet or more just because they could have anything they wanted, she guessed his home was maybe a third that size. Probably, she figured, because he had the foundation of a great family to guide him.

Ian’s back was to her as he poured a cup of coffee and she had to stop for a moment at what a gorgeous sight he was in his well-tailored suit pants and starched shirt. Knowing exactly how broad his shoulders were beneath his clothes, and the way the muscles in his arms and thighs flexed as he levered over her and thrust deep, then deeper still, simply stole her breath away.

That was how he found her, standing and staring at him as if she could hardly believe he was real. Looking at his beautiful face, Tatiana knew she’d never been happier than she was just then as she smiled at him from across the room.

“Hi.”

As she moved closer, a dark cloud in the sky shifted precisely so that a sudden ray of light coming in through the kitchen windows behind him obscured his expression. “I hope you don’t mind my going through your closet,” she said in a playful voice. “We were in such a hurry to get my clothes off last night that they’re pretty much goners.”

Expecting him to tease her back, when he didn’t say anything, and she still couldn’t quite see his face clearly, those old nerves she always used to have around him started popping back to life.

But that was crazy. There was no way he could have touched her, kissed her, spoken to her the way he had if he didn’t feel the same way she did.

Only, when she finally stepped in front of him, he didn’t reach for her, didn’t drag her against him the way she loved so much. And he still hadn’t said a word. Instead, he was looking down at her with an expression of such clear regret that, for a moment, she almost started to worry that she’d made a mistake.

No. She couldn’t have.

Last night, Ian had shown her a hundred times over just how much he cared about her, hadn’t he? First with have-to-have-you sex and then with the care he’d taken in her pleasure until she hadn’t known where one orgasm ended and the next began.

She wanted to say something that would ease the strangely tense air between them, but before she could, he spoke first. “Tatiana, last night—”

“—was incredible.” She lifted her hand to his smooth, freshly shaved jaw. “It was the most beautiful, perfect night of my life.”

“You’re right, it was incredible.” His eyes gleamed with the same fierce emotion he hadn’t been able to hold back when they were making love. “You are incredible.” That was when she realized that he looked positively tormented with every word he spoke...and guiltier by the second. “But you were also a virgin, Tatiana.” A muscle jumped in his jaw. “Untouched.”

She didn’t know how everything could possibly be going from beautiful to weird so quickly, just that she needed to make it stop. Needed to make him see that things didn’t have to be weird or strained between them. And that she didn’t want him to spend one more second feeling guilty about being her first.

“I thought we already talked about this last night, about the fact that I wanted to do everything we did together. But maybe,” she said when she could see that she still wasn’t getting through to him, “it would help if you knew why I was still a virgin when I could have slept with dozens of guys by now?”

“Tatiana.” Her name was more a growl than anything else, but she wasn’t nearly done making her point—had barely begun, in fact.

“All the guys who wanted to take me to bed were nice men. Good-looking men. Heck, most of them were rich, famous men. But I always knew I would wait to have sex until it wasn’t just sex, but something so much bigger than that. So that’s exactly what I did, Ian. I waited until I fell in love. With you.”

Just as his body had immediately stilled over hers when he’d realized she was a virgin, now Ian’s heart stopped dead in his chest.

It was one thing to think Tatiana had whispered I love you while falling asleep against his chest. He could have written that off as heightened emotion from all the orgasms, or even pure exhaustion right before she dropped into sleep.

But hearing her say it to him in the clear light of day, her eyes bright and sure...

No, he couldn’t let himself believe her, and he needed to stop the warmth, the longing that had shot through him when she’d said it.

“You don’t love me.”

“I do.”

He didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had...and yet that didn’t change his boundaries or his limits. If she were someone else, maybe they could have had a fling, just enjoyed each other casually the way he had with other women since his divorce. But Tatiana wasn’t like anyone else. Partly because she was going to become part of his extended family by marriage soon, but mostly because she deserved so much more than a simple no-strings affair with a man who could never give her anything else.

“We’ve only spent a few days together,” he reminded her, “and one night.”

“So what? People fall in love at first sight all the time.”

“Nobody can possibly fall in love that fast,” he insisted, despite how jumbled up his insides had felt from the moment he’d met her in Napa Valley. “You’re just trying to convince yourself that you love me because—”

“Don’t you dare try to say you know how I feel or why I feel it.” Her eyes flashed emerald fire as she moved closer. “I know what I feel, just like I know that you could never have touched me the way you did last night if you didn’t care about me, too. Maybe it’s not love yet for you like it is for me, but there’s something there inside of you for me. Something big. Something real.”

All morning long, he’d gone over and over what had happened between them, trying to figure out what could have driven him to go against everything he’d known was right. In the end, he’d decided it had to have been pure hormones and primal attraction, rather than an emotion Tatiana wanted to call love. And what man on the planet wouldn’t have been infatuated with her beauty, with the sounds she made when she came, with the thrill of being with someone so full of life and boundless dreams?

The last thing he wanted was to hurt her, but at the same time, he needed her to understand without even the barest doubt that he simply wasn’t capable of loving a woman more than he loved his company, his work, the power and the rush of business.

It was one of the hardest things he’d ever have to force himself to do, hurting her now so that he wouldn’t hurt her even worse in the future, as he made himself tell her, “Of course I touched you like that. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I couldn’t resist you, not after you kissed me. No one could have, Tatiana.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You’ve been with way prettier women than me. I’ve seen pictures of the women you’ve been with, not to mention your ex-wife.”

“Those women all bought their faces, their bodies, with high-priced surgeons. But every curve on your body, every expression on your face is you.”

“Okay then, why don’t you tell me—how was sex with those women compared with me?”

Just when he thought she couldn’t shock him more, she went right ahead and did it without so much as blinking. First, she’d stunned the crap out of him by actually being as innocent as she’d seemed, and then she’d blown his mind by unleashing such sweet yet wild sensuality that he could barely keep up with her. Only to find that one little four-letter word falling from her lips could send him reeling harder and farther than any orgasm had.

And now, this. Actually asking him point-blank to compare his time in the sheets with other women to being with her just hours before.

When he didn’t answer her fast enough, she just kept pushing, “Was being with any of them as good as what you and I shared last night?”

“No.” Damn it. “Not even close.”

She smiled at him like she’d just made her point, and maybe it felt too much like she had, like she was getting too close, too deep again, because even though he’d already been cruel enough, he couldn’t stop himself from saying more. “You’re so tied to the fairy tales you’ve been acting out your whole life, and to the happily-ever-afters that screenwriters tie up into a neat and tidy bow, that you can’t see that nearly all of those perfect endings are just fiction. They’re nothing more than great stories meant to keep the audience coming back for more. So just because we burned up the sheets together doesn’t mean I love you. What it means is that I love your body. I love your face. I love touching you. And I love making you come. But that’s all it is, Tatiana. Just hot sex. Nothing more.”

Her skin lost more and more color as he kept going, kept swinging harder, aiming lower. But even if he had deliberately just said all those things to make sure Tatiana stopped saying how much she loved him, God, how he hated to watch her smile fall.

Hated it more than he could ever remember hating anything before in his life.

“Fine,” she snapped. “I get it. You don’t love me. You’ll never love me. And I’m a naïve idiot for ever thinking you did. Happy now?”

She spun around, ripping off his tie from around her waist and then his shirt from her shoulders. In seconds she was naked again and Ian realized, with no little fury at himself, that he was scum enough to respond to her astonishingly perfect body after he’d just done everything in his power to shove her out of his life.

“No, damn it,” he ground out, “I’m not happy about any of this.”

But she’d already hightailed it out of the kitchen toward his office. By the time he caught up to her, she was shoving her feet into her heels. She looked with obvious dismay at her shredded clothes on the floor, then stalked past him out of the office and toward his front door.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going without your clothes on?”

“Home.”

He knew how mad she was, and how hard she was trying to be tough, but he could also hear the slight break in her voice in the middle of that one syllable. Her pain twisted up everything inside of him...everything he didn’t want to feel for her but couldn’t seem to find a way to stop.

She grabbed her trench coat—one that barely grazed her kneecaps—from where she’d taken it off by the front door, and as she covered her naked body with it, then did up the buttons with trembling fingers, he nearly grabbed her to make her stop. But he already knew that making the mistake of ever touching her again could only lead them back to his bedroom.

It had been hard enough to push her away once—nearly impossible, in fact. He was dead certain he’d never manage it twice.

“You can’t leave dressed like that, wearing only your coat and nothing else.”

“Yes, I can. I can do anything I want. I can even make the mistake of sleeping with a man who’s too haunted by his past and too scared of what the future might hold to let himself believe that I love him.”

With that, she threw open the door, walked quickly to the elevator, and pressed the down arrow. The metal door slid open immediately, but right before it closed behind her, he moved into the small space with her.

“I’ll drive you home.”

“I’m going to walk.”

“You’re not wearing clothes. Hell, you’re not wearing underwear!” And Lord knew that in nothing but a coat and heels, with sex-tangled hair and her lips still slightly swollen from his kisses the night before, she was his every erotic fantasy.

But he couldn’t touch her. Should never have touched her, damn it.

“Well, then I guess I’d better hope there’s not a breeze coming in off the water today, or I’ll be giving people a show they haven’t paid for. And not the happily-ever-after kind this time,” she said, echoing his harsh words in a brittle tone.

Frustration with absolutely, positively everything had him growling, “You’re going to get in my car, even if I have to throw you over my shoulder to get you there.”

“That would mean touching me again...and we both know you’re not about to risk making that mistake again. So I’m pretty sure your car is off the list.”

“I’ll hail you a taxi, then.”

When she didn’t argue, he tried to convince himself that she was finally listening to reason. Not only was she barely dressed, it was pouring outside. Hard enough that even rain-hardened Seattleites weren’t hoofing it through town and the sidewalk was completely empty.

God, how could he have screwed things up with her so badly? It was why he’d been a master of control all these years, because he’d already learned from the way things had turned out with his marriage how little he had to give to anyone else. He’d been careful not to let any of the women he’d spent time with over the past few years feel too much for him. It had been so easy to keep his heart separate from sex that he’d been certain there wasn’t even the slightest chance of being tempted to lose himself over a woman again.

But he hadn’t bet on Tatiana, on how open she was with her emotions, or that she’d choose him to be the one she gave her love and her innocence to. He’d never been able to think straight when he was around her, and mere hours after he’d had her in his bed his brain was more muddled than ever. Later, when he was able to think rationally again, he prayed he’d somehow be able to figure out a way to make all this up to her.

Right before the elevator doors opened in the lobby, she pulled a hat he hadn’t known she had with her out of her bag, jammed it onto her head, then scooted right out the front door of his building and headed up the storm-battered sidewalk at a fast clip.

Damn it, she was stubborn.

But so was he. And though he knew the very last thing she wanted was for him to accompany her home, he kept pace beside her every step of the way.