Just To Be With You

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

“Thanks for meeting me on a Saturday, Tatiana.” Ben Mitchell hugged her hello. “Now that they’ve decided to move up the first day of filming to Thursday, everyone is scrambling.” He squeezed her extra hard before adding, “And huge congratulations on your nomination! You’re going to win, I just know it.”

Ben was one of the best costume designers in the business and Tatiana had been lucky enough to work with him twice before. When he’d called to ask if they could do a last-minute fitting, she’d been happy to pop by the Seattle set, which was already partly transformed for them to begin filming.

Laughing, she reminded her very fashionable friend, “You do realize four of the biggest and best actresses in the business were also nominated, don’t you?”

But Ben didn’t reply because his eyes had narrowed in on her. “You look different. Your skin has a different glow to it. And,” he added with a little sound of disapproval, “you’re thinner. You’re not tanning and dieting because you’re feeling pressure from the nomination, are you?”

Tatiana could already feel herself blushing as she shook her head.

“Ah, I see what’s going on now,” Ben said, his lips curving up into a slightly wicked smile. “Is the lucky guy anyone I know?”

“No. He’s not in the business.” Or, rather, only very peripherally, since Ian had invested in a couple of Smith’s films.

Ben waited for her to say more, and she wished she could shout Ian’s name from the rooftops and claim him as hers, but she couldn’t. Not until he changed his mind about being with her.

The fact that he hadn’t been able to resist her last night had to be good, didn’t it? And the blue sky she’d awakened to this morning must also be an omen that things were going to change for the better, right?

All the overthinking she’d been doing since she’d left Ian at the fundraiser last night had a sigh escaping before she could hold it in. Thankfully, though Ben clearly noticed both her sigh and the fact that she was purposely not telling him who the guy was, he was kind enough to let it be.

He handed her a fitted blue suit and when she put it on, he frowned again. “Don’t you dare lose any more weight. Tell that secret loverboy of yours he should be feeding you chocolate-covered strawberries round the clock.”

She laughed, then, utterly unable to imagine Ian ever doing something like that. He’d told her last night that wooing and romantic gestures were what she deserved, but didn’t he realize that she wouldn’t want him to be like other men who went straight to ticking through the list of standard romance tropes?

A couple of hours later, she’d tried on nearly two dozen outfits so that Ben could perfect the fit and take pictures of her in each of them for the director. Instead of taking a cab home, she decided to walk back along the waterfront. Fortunately, everyone was too busy flying kites and playing tag with their kids and smooching on blankets laid out across the grass to pay any attention to the familiar-looking woman with the dark hat and glasses.

But even though it was really nice to be outside enjoying the sunshine for once, her stomach was clenched tight. Her role was still bothering her, especially now that production had been shifted up by a handful of days to Thursday of the coming week. But mostly, she was worried about Ian’s reaction to what she’d said to him last night. Particularly since she hadn’t been able to let the subject of his ex-wife go, and it wasn’t exactly his favorite subject.

Just then, her phone buzzed in the pocket of her jeans. Hoping it wasn’t Ben texting to ask her to come back to the set because he’d just found another rack of clothes she needed to try on, she nearly dropped it when she saw Ian’s name on the screen.

Had he thought about everything she’d said last night and realized he wanted to be with her, after all?

Her heart was leaping in her chest as she stopped in the middle of the busy sidewalk to punch in her security code so that she could see his full message. Strangers bumped into her from all sides, but as she read his text once, twice, then a third time, she simply couldn’t figure out how to make her legs move.

LAST MINUTE BUSINESS TRIP TO ALASKA MONDAY. WILL SEND YOU LIST OF OTHER CEOS TO SHADOW.

Her throat felt tight and her chest ached right beneath the breastbone. Less than forty-eight hours ago, he’d made her feel so wanted, so needed, so precious to him with every kiss and caress. And last night, she’d thought there was a chance that she might actually be getting through to him.

But now he’d made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want her around at all anymore.

She was tempted to give in to the urge to throw her phone down on the pavement, purely for the satisfaction of hearing it hit and watching it shatter. But before she could do something so impulsive, her phone jumped in her hand, ringing with her sister’s special ring tone.

Yesterday she’d felt too confused to talk, but though her thoughts about Ian were only more jumbled up now, Tatiana needed her sister more than ever. Finally moving off the sidewalk, she headed across the grass of the waterfront park to find a more private spot.

“Hey, Val.” Tatiana’s voice sounded really weird to her own ears, but she couldn’t quite figure out how to modulate it back to normal. Not when she was still spinning from Ian’s terse farewell text. “How’s Ireland?”

“Amazing. Although Smith has been overrun with media requests since the nominations came in for Gravity, just like you must be. And when we dropped by a local pub to see if they’d have any interest in letting us film a few key scenes there, I swear the whole town must have turned up to dance and sing and celebrate with us. That’s why I wasn’t able to get ahold of you yesterday to congratulate you on your amazing achievement.”

Sitting down on an empty bench and listening to her sister talk had, thankfully, helped Tatiana get a little bit of a grip by the time she had to speak again. “Honestly, it all feels kind of surreal.”

“Promise me you’ll let me know if you need anything, T. Anything at all.” After Tatiana made a sound of assent, Valentina said, “I’ve been dying to know, how did your week with Ian go? Has it helped you with your new role? I kept hoping to catch you earlier in the week to ask, but the time difference as we’ve jumped through Ireland and Scotland always meant it was two in the morning whenever I got a chance to call you.”

Oh, she wanted so badly to confide in her sister. But what would she say? “Ian and I slept together. It was amazing. Magical. Because I love him. But even though he obviously wants me and can’t keep his hands off me, he won’t let himself love me back. And now I don’t know what to do.”

Just hearing the words play out in her own head, Tatiana knew with perfect certainty that there were a good dozen ways Valentina would freak out from across the Atlantic if she actually said them aloud.

“Shadowing him has been great. And exhausting. I’ve never seen anyone work as hard as he does.”

“I remember thinking that about Smith when you were filming Gravity.”

“Val, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, T. You can ask me anything, you know that.”

“When you and Smith were just starting to date, you felt unsure about things for a while, didn’t you?”

“Only constantly.” But she could already hear her sister’s brain going into overdrive from her simple question, so she wasn’t surprised when Valentina asked, “Are you dating someone? I know I’ve been really busy lately, but I’m always here for you, T. All you have to do is let me know you need me and I’ll be there. Anywhere you need me.”

The tears that had threatened when she read Ian’s terse and emotionless text nearly came spilling out at the love in her sister’s voice. Which made her doubly glad that saying, “No, I’m not dating anyone,” didn’t constitute lying to the one person who had always been there for her. “But, Val, if you were so unsure, then how did Smith convince you to be with him?”

Valentina was silent for a few moments, obviously thinking through her answer before she gave it. “There were lots of little, sweet things he did along the way. Remember when he gave me that framed picture of us?”

“It’s still one of my favorites,” Tatiana agreed. “So that’s what did it? Knowing he was thinking of you and what would make you happy?”

“Honestly, while those little things he did were all lovely and sweet and made me realize he cared for me, they weren’t enough to make me believe love could conquer all. I was still scared. Still worried about the past and the future and every moment in between.”

Tatiana could understand why her sister had been so afraid to fall for Smith. The spotlight constantly shone on him because he was one of the biggest movie stars in the world, and her sister had always been much happier hidden in the shadows on the side of the stage. Plus, after their father had died and Valentina had pretty much taken over raising Tatiana, the way their mother had dated one wrong man after another had been really hard on her sister...and had made Valentina question everything about love. At the same time, she’d always protected Tatiana so that she never had to doubt that love was real.

“I still don’t understand how he got you past those worries. What did he do to make them all go away?”

“He couldn’t do that for me. I had to work through my fears myself in my own time, and if he had tried to push me to speed things up, I was stubborn enough that I would have only retreated further and put more walls up to block him out.”

“So, you’re saying he didn’t push you to make a decision about the state of your relationship, but...” Tatiana paused to try to think of a subtle way to say the next part, but when she couldn’t, she finally just blurted, “Weren’t you guys having all kinds of wild and wicked sex the whole time you were working through things?”

“Given that you found us in the screening room that night on set,” Valentina said with a slightly embarrassed laugh, “I think we both know the answer to that question is a big, fat yes.”

“But why did you keep sleeping with Smith if you were unsure about sticking with him in the long run? Why didn’t you make yourself stay away, or tell him to keep his distance, until you’d made up your mind one way or the other?” When her sister didn’t answer right away, Tatiana belatedly realized she’d gone too far with her questions. Just like Ian always said she did. “I’m sorry. I know this is really personal stuff and I’m being way too nosy. You don’t have to answer any more of my questions about your sex life with Smith, obviously.”

“You can ask me anything, T. You know that. So don’t apologize. It’s just we’ve never really talked much about sex before, so I’m a little surprised.” Her sister paused for a beat before saying, “The answer is that I couldn’t stop myself from being with him. Smith is...well, you know how he is. Gorgeous. Sexy. Brilliant.”

“And totally, completely in love with you.”

“Yes, just as much as I finally admitted I loved him. And the truth is that part of that realization of how much I loved him came because I simply couldn’t find a way to resist going to bed with him, even when I was certain that I needed to. At first, I tried to call what we were doing just sex, just a fling, a way to let off steam, but I think I always knew I was lying to myself. I never realized how closely connected the body and heart are until I met him.”

Tatiana felt as though the light bulb went back on inside of her, then, burning more brightly now than it ever had before. That deep connection between her heart and her body was precisely why she’d never slept with anyone before Ian. Because she simply couldn’t have given her body to a man who didn’t also have her heart.

From the answers her sister had just given her, Tatiana now knew that while Smith had given Valentina space to accept her feelings for him, he’d also been smart enough to keep their physical connection burning hot and steady so that her sister couldn’t shut herself off from him.

Tatiana had said it herself in the limo on the night of the gala—Ian wasn’t a man who changed his mind easily. She hadn’t planned to use sex to change his mind. But while she was giving him the space to come around to realizing he could risk loving her without hurting either of them, was it so wrong to hope that their intense attraction and sensual connection would help him see the light a little sooner?

“Tatiana?” Her name was mostly static. “My connection’s just gotten bad. Are you still there?”

Before they were cut off, Tatiana quickly said, “Thank you, Val. For everything.”

All her life, her big sister had protected her and guided her toward making good decisions. Yet again, Valentina had helped her. More than she even knew.

Tatiana could now see that she’d been naïve to believe that she could heal Ian’s past and show him that it was safe to love her in one short week. But while she wasn’t naïve anymore...she wasn’t giving up, either.

And now, thanks to this conversation with her sister, she knew exactly what she needed to do.