Just To Be With You

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Tatiana woke from their late-morning, post-sex nap to the shine of bright sun pouring in the windows. But when she reached out for Ian, his side of the bed was empty. Rolling over, she found him sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed by the window, staring out into the beautiful day and looking utterly grim.

Her chest clenched even as her heart felt fuller than it ever had. She hadn’t known it was possible to love someone so much, so deeply, that she could almost swear she could feel his emotions roll through her.

Pushing the covers off, she moved naked onto his lap. He’d pulled on his jeans, but his chest was bare. When he automatically put his arms around her to draw her closer, she leaned into his warmth, his strength.

She didn’t say anything, just listened to the steady beat of his heart and breathed him in. He already knew what was in her heart. Today, she guessed, he would finally tell her what was in his.

“When we leave this room today,” he finally said, “when we walk into the sunshine, when we get back on the plane, everything is going to be different.”

She couldn’t deny that everything was about to change. She’d heard the rain ease off when they’d been dancing together earlier. And the way he’d just made love to her, so sweetly, so reverently...hadn’t she known that he’d been touching her as if he was afraid that it was the last time?

So many times since they’d landed on the island and she’d promised not to speak about what had happened on Thursday or Friday, she’d barely been able to keep from blurting out everything she was feeling. But now, with their entire future hanging in the balance, she couldn’t find a single word. All she could do was bury her face in his neck and press her hand flat over Ian’s chest to count the beats of his heart.

“I don’t want this to be the end for us, Tatiana. I can’t imagine going through a day without seeing your smile, without touching you and having you in my bed, without laughing with you.”

Tatiana knew she should have been over the moon, should have been jumping for joy. But Ian didn’t look happy about what he was saying to her. On the contrary, he looked as grim now as he had when she’d woken up.

And she could see how conflicted he was still, as he brushed a hand over her hair, looked into her eyes, and said, “I love you.”

Tatiana was certain her heart stopped beating and her lungs stopped pumping as the three words she’d been dreaming of hearing Ian say echoed in the room. It should have been because everything was perfect. She’d assumed that if he ever confessed his love to her, it would be a perfect moment she’d want to capture so that she could replay it over and over forever.

But no matter how much she wished she could fool herself into believing everything was perfect, she couldn’t. Especially not when he lifted his hands to her face and held her gently, as if he was worried she might break under the pressure.

“I love you,” he said again, “and I can’t make any promises right now, but—” He paused, a muscle jumping in his cheek. “I want to try.”

His I love you, she realized, had come so much easier than this, than the I want to try that he’d nearly had to yank out of his own throat.

“I want to try, Tatiana,” he said again. “I want to try to love you the way you should be loved.”

She already knew just how he’d do it. How he’d try to work fewer hours for her. How he’d try to put up with her Hollywood events. How he’d try to be the man he thought she wanted and needed him to be.

And she also knew that no matter how many times she told him she didn’t need him to do any of those things, he would never believe she meant it when she said that all she needed was for him to be himself.

All that would ultimately happen was that he’d end up being completely, totally miserable. And so would she. Only this time she would be the guilty one, because she would know that she could have stopped him from making all those mistakes.

By leaving.

Now. Today. Before they walked out of this room, before they stood in the sunshine, before they got back on his plane heading for the real world.

Untangling her limbs from his and moving off his lap was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but she couldn’t keep touching him and say what she knew she had to say. Couldn’t be that close to him and do what she knew she needed to do.

“I know it should be enough,” she said softly, speaking as much to herself as to him. “I know all my dreams should be coming true. But—” She reached blindly behind her for the bedcover to draw over her bare shoulders. “—I love you too much to ever want loving me to be that difficult, or for you to think you have to try to become something you’re not.”

She could see how surprised he was by her response, and worse, how hurt. Especially when he stood to reach for her and she instinctively shrank back.

“I wasn’t looking for you, Tatiana. I didn’t see you coming. I didn’t expect you to burst into my life and turn it upside down. But I’m not sorry that you did, that you have. These past few days with you have been the best of my life, but everything has happened so fast between us that I still can’t see yet how things are going to work in the real world. I want to try to see if they can.”

So much of her wanted that, too. But she knew better. “Can’t you see? It’s exactly what you did with your ex-wife. You tried to make a relationship work around your job and what she wanted from you. It didn’t work, and I love you too much to let you make those mistakes again.”

“You were the one who first said you’re nothing like my ex,” he argued. “And neither are the two of us when we’re together. Not even close.”

“All along, you’ve been worried that you would hurt me, that I’d end up crushed and you’d end up guilty. Are you telling me that all of those worries are gone now?” When he didn’t immediately reply, her heart sank even lower than it had already fallen. She asked in a soft voice, “Or was I right to feel that those worries, those fears, were still lying in wait beneath everything we’ve shared here on this island, in this room? They are the real reasons why you don’t want to make me any promises, aren’t they? Not because it’s all happened so fast.”

She’d thought the hardest thing she’d ever done was to leave his arms a few minutes ago, but when his continued silence and bleak expression gave her his answer, Tatiana now knew it was much, much harder not to move back into his arms to give him comfort.

But love, Tatiana had always known, would be all or nothing for her. It was why she’d waited so long to sleep with a man—until she was certain that he was the one. She would never be happy, truly happy, with halfway. And neither would Ian. After more than a week in close quarters with him, she knew that he never moved forward with a business deal unless he was absolutely, positively sure that it was the right move to make. At which point he never looked back. He would never try to win a client or take over an industry. He would simply do it without ever second-guessing himself.

Love—and forever—would be no different for him.

“I love you, Tatiana. Why can’t knowing that be enough for now?”

His words tore at her resolve, but it didn’t change the fact that enough couldn’t ever be. Not for either of them.

“During the storm,” she said in as steady a voice as she could manage, “there were moments when you forgot to be on guard, when you forgot about your fear of hurting me or letting me down, and we were close. So close. Those moments showed me what it’s like to have all of you. Or nearly all, at least. I can’t go backward when what I really want, what I really need, is for those moments to grow and build into minutes, hours, weeks, years. And I know now that I was unfair to you when I told you I would wait, that I would just keep holding on until you came around. I thought I could, I swear I did, and maybe I could have if we hadn’t been caught in the storm.” Her eyeballs ached from the pressure of all the tears threatening to fall. “But now that I know just how much there could be, how much love can be, I also know that anything less would break me apart.”

“The last thing I’d ever want is to break you, sweetheart.”

“I know.” His endearment hit her straight in the center of her heart, just as it had every time he’d said it to her before. And, oh, how she longed to be back in his arms, even as she said, “So that’s why I’m leaving before you do.”

“Tatiana—”

The guilt etched into the beautiful lines of his face made her forget to keep her distance for a moment as she took his hand in hers. “You never asked me to fall in love with you. You never promised me anything. You warned me that you weren’t ready to love anyone, that you didn’t think you’d ever be ready. But I was, so I chose not to listen, and to love you with everything I am. I don’t regret it, not any of it. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for anything that happened between us.” Every single part of her ached as she looked into his dark eyes. “Being here with you on the island has been the perfect fairy tale. But you were right when you told me fairy tales aren’t real. We both have real lives, great ones full of family and work and friends that we love. I don’t want you to give all of that up. Not for me, or anyone else. I want you to have it all, Ian, and I want to have it all, too. Amazing, fulfilling careers along with love that’s big enough and strong enough not just to deal with, but to celebrate, in all of the messiness of real life.”

That was when she made herself draw back from him, made herself force a smile and say, “Speaking of messy, I’m going to go hop in the shower so that we can get out of here before the weather changes again.”

And before her tears began to fall again...