Just To Be With You

CHAPTER TWENTY

Ian was sitting in his home office staring blindly at his computer screen early Saturday morning when his phone rang. His first thought, before he could stop it, was Tatiana. But it was his brother Dylan’s name that popped up on the screen.

“Hey, looks like a good day for a sail. I could use a crew.”

Ian had lost countless productive hours this week. He needed time to focus on the eAirBox deal he’d put two years of work into. When Flynn accepted his offer on Tuesday, Ian needed to be ready to move forward immediately.

But he couldn’t concentrate on anything but Tatiana. He’d known plenty of beautiful women, had even married one, but he’d never had such a hard time keeping his hands—and worse, his thoughts—off one.

Tatiana wanted love, wanted the happily-ever-after, wanted someone she could count on through thick and thin. And in his weakest moments, Ian wanted to be all those things for her. But even caught up in her spell, he knew better, knew he’d only hurt her worse if he were stupid enough to think love could change who he was at his core.

Work had always set him straight, and at this point, Ian could have worked for the next forty-eight hours and only barely caught up to where he needed to be. But there was no way he was going to get one damned thing done sitting here, rolling everything over and over in his head, like a teenager caught up in his first crush. What had happened between him and Tatiana was way past a crush, a million times bigger than a no-strings night of hot sex. She thought she loved him, believed it with a faith so fierce that, frankly, it awed him. And scared the shit out of him, too.

So instead of blowing off his brother’s invitation, Ian slammed the screen shut on his laptop.

“I’ll meet you at the harbor in fifteen.”

The speed, the cold air, and the water spraying over him helped to clear his head. Ian and his brother didn’t say much to each other during the sail, but they didn’t need to. Not when they knew each other so well that they were, as always, a perfect team out on the Sound.

It had been way too long since he’d done this—not just the sail, but hanging out with one of his brothers. Sure, he’d seen them at the recent Sullivan weddings he’d flown in from London to attend, but there hadn’t been time to really talk to any of them.

Suddenly, he couldn’t lie to himself any longer by trying to claim it was because his schedule was out of his control. Sullivan Investments was his company, and as Tatiana had pointed out earlier that week, he’d built it up to the point where he had plenty of trusted people working for him to whom he could pass more responsibility.

So it wasn’t that he didn’t have time if he wanted it.

He simply hadn’t made the time for his family. And now, for the first time, he forced himself to ask why.

At first, his single-minded focus on business had been all about saving his family so they wouldn’t lose their house, and so that his brothers and sisters would have enough money to go to college and follow their dreams. But then, by the time his family had been taken care of, he’d been wholly caught up in the game, the thrill of winning, and of always reaching for more. Not because he’d been turned into someone else. It was more that he’d uncovered, or discovered who he really was. He’d never meant it to come at the expense of everything else.

Or had he? After all, wasn’t it easier to keep them all out then it would have been to let them in? Especially when all of this emotional turmoil with Tatiana was the perfect example of what happened when he let anyone get too close?

A couple of hours later, they were back in the harbor taking down the mainsail, when Dylan said, “So, how was your week with Tatiana?”

The halyard slipped in Ian’s hands. “Fine.” He cursed as he barely kept the rope from getting away from him. “I don’t know if I’ve been much help to her, though. She still seems frustrated by her role.” And, definitely, by him.

Dylan gave him a look that Ian couldn’t quite read. His youngest brother had always been so quick to grin, and to make a joke, that people often missed the depth that was just as much a part of him. Ian had always known it was there, though, even when Dylan was a little kid.

“I’m sure she’s working on it, and that she’ll figure it out,” Dylan said. “She’s never struck me as the kind of person who gives up easily.”

Thinking that Dylan had no idea just how right he was, it was the affection in his brother’s voice as he spoke of Tatiana that caught Ian’s ear.

“Why haven’t you asked her out?”

Dylan’s eyebrows shot up. “Tatiana?”

“Yes, Tatiana. What are you waiting for?”

“Dating her would be like dating my sister. Don’t get me wrong, she’s gorgeous and fun, and it’d be great if things were different. But that’s just not what’s between us. Never has been. Besides—” Dylan paused, grinned. “—she only has eyes for you. So I think a better question is, why haven’t you asked her out? Or,” he said as his gaze sharpened, “have you?”

“I haven’t.” And it was true. Ian had made love to her all night long and then broken her heart the next morning...all without ever asking her out.

“Why not? And don’t bother repeating my she’s-like-a-sister line. Because there were some major sparks shooting off between you two at dinner on Friday night. So hot they practically melted the chocolates.”

Ian worked to keep his hands steady on the boom as he said, “I’m not looking for anything serious. She is.”

“Look,” Dylan said, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now, either, so I get where you’re coming from. But I’ve got to tell you that if a girl like Tatiana came along who I connected with, who I couldn’t stop thinking about, who was clearly one in a million, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t stop at anything to make her mine. And I’d make sure I did whatever I needed to do to keep her happy.”

“Of course I want her to be happy.” Ian knew he was losing his cool now, but damn it, the last thing he needed was his little brother lecturing him about love. “I’ve never met anyone with her inner strength before. When she believes something is true, is real, she’ll go down with the ship, never wavering for one second, no matter how dangerous the waters might be.”

“Then why aren’t you making a move?”

“Because more than anything else, Tatiana believes in true love. She wants it, deserves it, and I hope like hell that she gets it one day. But I can’t give it to her. She thinks I can, but I can’t.”

“Wait a minute.” His brother pinned him with a serious look. “Something happened, didn’t it? Between the two of you this week.”

“I screwed up. Big time.”

Ian cursed as he ran his hands through his hair. He’d already shared more with Tatiana than he’d shared with anyone else—not just the inner workings of his company and day-to-day schedule, but particularly about his ex-wife. And he knew why he had.

Because he already felt a hundred times more for Tatiana than he ever had for anyone else.

But she had her whole life, and the whole world, in front of her. She could have and be anything she wanted, and he simply couldn’t believe that a cynical, brooding workaholic like him was right for her.

“I can’t screw up with her again. I can’t hurt her again.”

“Then don’t,” Dylan told him. “But don’t lie to yourself, either, and think that you’ll be able to stay away if you keep seeing her every day in your office.”

Ian had always been decisive, had never wavered over the right path to take. Even when he’d left football behind to go into business, he’d never second guessed, never hesitated, never wondered “what if?” But while it was true that he didn’t want to hurt her more than he already had, at the same time, Ian knew that he couldn’t keep lying to himself and say he was only staying away for her benefit.

In college when his family had been hurting, he’d found out what it was like to be vulnerable, to come face-to-face with the cold fear of how quickly everything you’d ever taken for granted could be lost. He’d vowed never to let himself, or any of the people he loved, be vulnerable like that again. Work, money, success—those were the things that Ian could always count on to save his family. And himself. But somehow, Tatiana had begun to get behind his shields…

All week long he’d known that being close to her every day was a bad idea. But at the same time, he’d wanted to be close to her too much to put a stop to it. Now, thanks to this conversation with his brother, Ian knew exactly what he needed to do.

Even if it killed him.