Out of the Shallows

10

Edinburgh March 2013

When Dad left Edinburgh, he hadn’t changed his mind about Jake or my decision to become a cop. One great day of doing touristy stuff together and one seriously awkward and painful dinner with Jake later, Dad got on a plane back to the States. He told me he loved me and that he was glad I was okay. However, he also told me he would maybe take me more seriously if I were mature enough to pick up the phone and apologize to my sister.

I hated that I hadn’t spoken to Andie in weeks. I hated that right now she was pissed off and that she didn’t like me very much. I hated it even more that I didn’t like her very much right now. More than anything, I hated that she wasn’t there to talk to when I needed her the most. But I still didn’t feel like I was in the wrong. Stubbornly, I refused to call her, which meant my whole family was still pretty upset with me.

And Jake…

I was hurting him. I still hadn’t said I love you and each time he said it without a return, it looked like he was taking a bullet. Along with the hurt, I was beginning to sense his growing impatience. Because the truth was we both knew how I felt about him. I should’ve just said it out loud. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. It seemed my stubbornness extended from my dealings with my family to how I was handling Jake.

For some reason I believed Jake would patiently wait for my head to sort itself out.

Jake had another idea in mind.

It was a Thursday, just after midnight, and I’d just finished a paper. I was stepping out of the bathroom when I heard a key turn in the apartment door.

Surprised, I watched as Jake stalked down the quiet, dark hallway toward me.

The determination in his eyes made me gape at him wordlessly as he pushed past me and stalked into my room. “We need to talk.”

I hurried inside after him, shutting the door behind us as he spun around to face me. “About what?”

His answer was to close in on me quickly, his hands braced on the door on either side of my head so I was trapped. My heart accelerated, goosebumps prickling all over me at his proximity. “I’m done fucking around,” he said, his words almost dancing on my lips our mouths were so close. “I’ve had time to think. I made a mistake.” He pressed his body into mine and grinned triumphantly at the way my breath stuttered. I would’ve punched him for his arrogance if I weren’t completely turned on. “My mistake has been my patience. Now I’m done. I should’ve tied you to your bed until your stubborn ass was ready to admit it.” Jake brushed a kiss across my jaw and I shivered. “You love me,” he whispered hoarsely in my ear, before pulling back to watch my reaction.

I was surprised. Uncertain. Maybe scared.

But I also wanted him.

I always wanted him.

“I know you love me,” Jake persisted. “I need you to admit it so we can put all this shit behind us and start over.”

I felt a surge of annoyance at him taking the situation out of my hands. “Bossy Jake is back, I see.”

“He never left. He’s just been walking on eggshells for the past few months, scared of losing you.”

“You… scared? Puhlease,” I teased, trying to shift onto easier ground as a last-ditch effort to pull back from the destination he was forcing me toward.

“Will you stop jerking around and tell me you love me?” he growled back.

“You can’t push me to say it!”

“Why are you being such a prima donna? I know you feel it.”

“You don’t know that!” I yelled, pressing my hands to his chest again, trying to move him away.

Jake stood his ground. “I guess…” He rested all his weight into my hands, until they were flattened between his chest and mine. Our noses touched. “I guess I’ll just have to fuck it out of you. I’m okay with that.”

Holy… “Ja—” My protest was silenced by his mouth.

He groaned as I instantly melted for him. I couldn’t help myself. I was exhausted fighting what I felt, and I no longer knew why I was fighting.

Giving in tasted sweeter.

His kiss was hard, punishing almost, but I gave as good as I got. I ran my fingers roughly through his hair, pressing my body close to his. He wrapped his arms around me, tightening his hold until there was no space at all between us.

He slid his hand down my back, his fingers slipping inside my panties. He gripped my bare ass in his hand, pulling me into his erection. I gasped into his mouth and followed his lead, holding onto him as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He lifted me easily, seeming to relish my heated response.

He pulled back from our kiss. “Tell me you love me,” he whispered, his eyes searing.

I blinked through a haze of lust, my fingers tightening in his hair as my gaze searched his. “You don’t play fair,” I muttered.

“I learned from the best.”

Giving him a small smile, I trembled at the sound of the blood whooshing in my ears. “I’m scared, Jake.”

Jake took a few steps until he found the bed. He slowly lowered himself onto it, taking me with so I straddled him. He stroked my back in comfort. “Baby, I’m scared too. But I’m more scared of fucking this up because we can’t get over the past.”

He watched me struggle with my decision and I could see the mounting anxiety in his eyes. Knowing the time for stubbornness was over, I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his. “You have to promise you won’t walk out on me again. Ever.”

His hold on my hips tightened. “I promise.”

Hearing the absolution of his vow, I leaned back to stare into his face. Tenderness, need, want, affection, adoration… it all moved through me. Gently, I caressed his jaw, my fingers coasting, drawing faint patterns in his skin. When my eyes met his again, everything I felt flooded out of me and I watched him suck in his breath.

“I’ve never stopped loving you,” I told him quietly. “When I saw you at the party last semester… it hurt, Jake. I’ve never been so hurt.”

“Baby—”

“I need you to know this because I’m deciding to trust you again.”

He nodded, waiting.

“I will never love anyone the way I love you. You’re part of me. You make me feel like I can be anyone, do anything… but you also have the ability to make me feel weak. You have the ability to crush me like no one else can. I don’t like that part of myself, Jake, and I hate that you can do that to me.”

His breathing sounded a little uneven as he whispered back, “You make me feel the same way.”

Leaning close, my lips an inch from his, my eyes blazing, I uttered darkly, “Good. I need to know that we’re on equal footing here.”

In answer Jake caught my lips with his, drawing me into a deep, drugging kiss. He pulled back, jerking down the zipper on his jeans as he told me in a voice thick with need, “We love each other so we can hurt each other, but I’m making a promise,” he tugged down my panties and I lifted myself up to help, “to do everything I can not to hurt you again. I want that promise from you.”

I settled back over him, my uneven breathing seeming to spur him on, making him hotter and harder as his dick brushed between my legs. I bit back a moan, nodding. “I promise,” I whimpered. “Jake, I promise. I love you.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, appearing to savor it. “Say it again.”

My breath whispered across his ear. “I love you, Jacob Caplin.”

And just like that, his control snapped. He gripped me by the nape, holding me still for his rough, desperate kiss. With his other hand, he guided himself to my entrance. He then took hold of my hip and thrust up into my wet, tight heat. We gasped into each other’s mouths, our sexual chemistry, chemistry we’d never had and would never find with anyone else, overwhelming us.

“I love you” fell freely from our mouths as we held onto one another, chasing the high of finally coming together, in every way we could.

“So this is why I woke up to an empty bed and a cryptic note?” Jake’s tall figure cast a shadow over me.

I smiled up at him from the picnic blanket. “I thought we should take the day away from everything. You’re not missing anything too important in class, are you?”

He shook his head, an amused grin on his lips.

“Well, sit down, then.” I patted the blanket and Jake slowly lowered himself onto it. His eyes drifted over the items on the blanket and widened with recognition. I was warmed all the way through from his laughter.

“Peanut butter sandwiches, cookies, chips, and two bottles of water.” His dark eyes twinkled. “Just like our first date.”

“Yup. Unfortunately, we’re missing Hendrix, but I thought the view more than made up for it.”

We were on Arthur’s Seat, the peak of a group of hills east of Edinburgh Castle. It was popular with hill walkers and such. I was hoping to find it quiet on a Friday morning, and I had. I should’ve been exhausted after last night.

But I wasn’t.

I woke up next to Jake, excited about the future for the first time in a really long time, and I wanted the future to start today. I left a note telling him to meet me on Arthur’s Seat at eleven thirty. I then put together our first-date meal and hiked up before him to prepare.

“The view definitely makes up for it,” he murmured, eyes glued to my face.

I tingled all over but put it aside. Sex was always easy for us. It was time to work on the relationship. “We never talk about our past. I think we’ve been so scared to bring up the bad stuff that we’ve forgotten all the good. Like our first date.”

“When you named my truck.”

I laughed. “When I named your truck. And when you teased me by not kissing me good night.”

It was Jake’s turn to chuckle. “I was waiting for the right moment.”

“And decided English class was the right moment?”

He shrugged. “I wanted it to be a moment you’d never forget, so that no matter what happened between us, you’d never forget me.”

“Well, mission accomplished. It’s a pretty amazing kiss for any other guy to live up to.”

Jake leaned closer, his expression serious. “And after last night… there are never going to be any other guys, right?”

I shifted close enough I could rest my chin on his knee and looked up at him from under my lashes. “It’s just you and me from now on. No games. No walls. I told you, I love you. I’m letting the fear go.”

I closed my eyes at the feel of his fingers on my skin as he brushed my hair behind my ear.

“No games?” he asked softly.

My eyes opened. “Yes.”

“Then I have a question.”

I lifted my head, but only to rest my arms across the top of his knees. “Shoot.”

“The nape thing,” his fingers tickled under my hair, brushing gently over the back of my neck, “what’s it all about?”

I grimaced but determined to be honest, I said, “It’s stupid.”

“It bothers me. It’ll always bother me when you pull away.”

“Okay. I get it.” I smiled unhappily and forged ahead with the truth. “You used to hold me that way. I used to think it was something you did unconsciously, asking me for my entire focus. I loved it. I thought it was hot but sweet at the same time.”

Jake frowned. “So what changed?”

“The night at Teviot… the night you chased me out of the bar, asking me to give you a chance to apologize…”

“Yeah?”

“The reason I ran out that night is because I turned around and I saw you with Melissa… your hand on her nape, holding her the way I thought you only ever held me. See? Stupid.”

We were both quiet as the words danced on the air between us. Finally, Jake exhaled. “I can’t fix those mistakes, Charley. Even though it kills me that I’ve done things to hurt you, meant or not, I can’t take them away. I can’t undo it. But I can promise you this… no one will ever mean to me what you do.” His eyes took on a faraway look. “When I first met you at the bonfire, I was freaked out by what I was feeling. I was nearly seventeen, I could get girls, I’d been with a few, so I was cocky and arrogant and had no plans to date a girl exclusively.” He chuckled and I grinned as I remembered our first meeting. “You were kind of intimidating at first, but then you were funny and unconsciously sexy. I’d never met a girl like you and I’d never met anyone who I connected with so quickly. At the end of that party, I knew that everything had changed. I couldn’t give a shit about any other girl. I wanted to get to know you better.” His smile was a little shy. “I wanted to deserve to get to know you.”

I blinked back tears at the memories, reassuring Jake with a small grin when he saw the wet in my eyes. “Those six months with you were the best I’ve ever had in my whole life. It’s like… I don’t know, I’m just so relieved to be able to look back on them now and remember falling in love with you without feeling like one of us died.”

Jake nodded solemnly. “That’s how I felt too.”

“We don’t have to feel that way anymore. We’ve made it through.”

Jake cupped my face in his hands. “I’m never letting you go,” he murmured his vow. “Even if you try to make me… never again.”

I nuzzled into his touch. “Right back at you, Caplin.”

Jake laughed, pressed a soft kiss to my lips, and pulled back to stare down at the picnic. “Are we going to eat? I’m a little hungry after all that making up we did last night.”

“Mmm, me too.” I handed him a sandwich. “I should be exhausted, but I’m not.”

He grinned. “I’ll just need to try harder next time.”

“Try any harder and I won’t be able to walk afterwards.”

We laughed and continued to eat in perfect, comfortable quiet. Scrunching up my sandwich wrapper, I settled on my back and stared up at the cloudy sky. “You were kind of bossy last night.”

“Yeah. You didn’t seem that upset, though,” he pointed out.

“Nah, I wasn’t. That was just you asserting your dominance in a pre-evolutionary kind of way.” I rolled my head on the blanket to meet his gaze. “I just went with it, but you should know I would never have given in if I wasn’t about to anyway.”

“Yeah?” He caressed me gently, trailing his fingertips along the bare skin peeking out between my sweater and the waistband of my jeans.

I shivered at his touch. “Hmm… yes.”

“Ah, I see how this is,” he whispered, drawing invisible circles on my skin. “You think you’re in charge here.”

“I am in charge, mister.” It would’ve sounded a lot more convincing if my breath hadn’t hitched.

“We’ll just see about that.” He plucked at the top button on my jeans.

“Jake, don’t.” I covered his hands with mine. “Someone might come up here. They’ll see us.”

He smirked, brushing my hands away. “Come on, Supergirl. Be brave.”

“Jake…” I lost my breath completely at the feel and sound of him tugging down my zipper. My belly flipped as his warm hand slid inside, slipping beneath my panties. “Jake…”

“Ssh.” He was leaning over me now, his eyes on my face as two of his fingers found my clit. “Just feel it.”

I bit my lip, everything else in the whole world disappearing but Jake and the sensations swelling through me. I arched my hips into his touch.

“Do you remember that night in my truck?” his voice rasped in my ear. “Halloween. I do. I remember every second. I’d never been so turned on in my life.”

“I remember,” I whimpered as I grew wet from the memories and his touch.

“Do you remember the first time I went down on you?”

“Uh-huh…” I pushed into his hand, seeking more.

“Do you remember the first time you sucked me off?”

“Mmm.”

“Do you remember how hard you made me come?”

“Yes, yes, yes…” My whole body tensed and soon I was climaxing in jerky shudders around the fingers he’d slipped inside me.

As I came back to earth, Jake zipped my jeans.

Melted against the blanket, I stared into his gorgeous face in a daze. “What was that for?”

“That,” he smirked, “was punishment for taking your sweet time telling me you loved me.”

“Um… I hate to tell you this but that kind of punishment isn’t going to deter me from pissing you off in the future.”

Jake laughed. “I didn’t think it would. Lucky for me, I get off on the punishment.”

“You’re hard,” I said, feeling him against my hip.

His eyes darkened. “As a rock.”

“It’s your fault for talking dirty and getting me off in a public place.”

“So I take it that means you’re not going to take care of me?”

My eyes widened at the suggestion. “I am not doing that on Arthur’s Seat. You can wait until later.”

Jake brushed his lips over mine. “You’re a cruel wench.”

Chuckling, I pushed him off me, pressing his back to the ground. “Down, boy.” I laid back. “No more sexy stuff right now.”

“Okay. I’ll be good.” He put his hands behind his head and stared at the sky. A few moments later, he said, “You’re something special to me, Charley Redford.”

I felt a flutter in my chest as I remembered him saying that to me on our first date. “You’re something special to me too.”

“Yeah?”

“I haven’t let anyone else put their hands down my jeans on top of a hill in Scotland, you know.”

“Well, that’s a relief. I do like to be original.”

I giggled. “You are certainly that.”

“The pressure is now on, though, to feel you up when you least expect it.”

“I can deal with that kind of pressure.”

“You say that now, but wait until I give you an orgasm in the camping section of a department store.”

“You just ruined that location. Now I’m expecting an orgasm in the camping section of a department store. You took the spontaneity out of it.”

Jake tsked. “I’ll just need to come up with somewhere—”

“Sexier?” I suggested.

“What is not sexy about a tent in a department store?” he huffed. “Who have you been dating and what has he been teaching you?”

“Just some guy who was all romance and picnics.”

“He sounds like a tool.”

“Meh, he had his moments. We did have some pretty amazing sex in his pickup, though.”

“Ah, well,” Jake turned his head to smile at me, “that I can do.”

As his meaning sank in, I felt a rush of giddiness. “You still have Hendrix?”

He nodded. “I stopped driving it… well… because it reminded me of you, but my dad kept it in his garage.”

I turned on my side, even more excited about going back to the States now. “The first thing we’re doing when we get to Chicago is taking your truck out, finding a secluded park somewhere, and rechristening that baby.”

Jake grinned. “Have I told you I love how your mind works?”

“We should probably have dinner with your folks first, though, huh.”

“And then you ruined it.” He rolled his eyes in mock disgust.

Smiling, I leaned in close. “But you love me.”

He made a face. “Who told you that?”

“Some tool I know.”

Jake laughed. “You know a lot of tools.”

“Nah.” I shook my head. “Just the one.”

Smiling into my eyes, Jake sighed, seeming more happy and relaxed than I’d seen him in a long time. “I’m looking forward to going home, but I’m also not.”

“How do you mean?”

“We’ve got the summer and then we’re back to school in different states.”

I slumped at the thought but said, “We’re only three hours away.”

“That’s long enough to kill me,” he muttered, brushing the back of his hand affectionately across my cheek.

“It’s just one year,” I promised him. “And we’ll make the most of it. I’ll come see you one weekend, you come see me the next. We’ll make it work.”

“You’re right.” He pulled me into his arms so I was snuggled against him, my head on his chest. “But for now, let’s just enjoy this. I thought I was happy when you decided to give me a second shot… but nothing compares to this.”

“What? Talking nonsense and eating peanut butter?” I teased.

“Exactly.” He kissed the top of my head. “We’re Jake and Charley again. Older but no less immature.”

I giggled and burrowed deeper against him. “Isn’t it awesome.”