Out of the Shallows

8

Edinburgh March 2013

I left Dad at his hotel talking to Mom on the phone, reassuring her that he was all right, I was all right, and that we were… talking things out. Although I still didn’t feel one hundred percent certain that we’d reached an understanding, I hoped we would by the time he left.

For now, I headed to my boyfriend’s apartment.

Something had shifted inside me when Jake sprung to my defense. It didn’t seem like much, but in reality, knowing he had my back was a huge step toward me trusting him. The old Jake was too determined to keep on my dad’s good side to ever interfere in any small parental disputes I might have had. He’d once sat quietly in the corner of the living room while my mom and dad refused to listen to me about being a cop.

He’d changed.

Anxious to see him, I hurried up to his apartment.

“Jake’s not here,” Beck said as I followed him into the kitchen.

Sitting at the kitchen table were Claudia and Lowe. I smiled at my girl. “Have you seen him?”

Claud shook her head. “Nope. But—”

“She’s been too busy planning our summer tour,” Beck interrupted, offering me a can of soda.

“No, thanks.” I raised an eyebrow at Claudia. “Summer tour?”

Lowe grinned. “It’s what we were talking about at Teviot. Claudia is amazing. She’s already helped us book eight gigs for the summer, and she thinks we can turn it into a state tour. It could get us noticed.”

“Isn’t that expensive?”

Lowe shrugged. “We’re pooling our resources. And these are paying gigs.” He nudged Claudia. “Now I just have to convince Claud to be our manager and come on tour with us.”

“If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to,” Beck said, trying—and failing—to sound casual.

I studied them carefully, wondering what I was missing. “Well… that sounds great. And you should think about it, Claudia. It might be a lot of fun to tour with them.”

Claudia shrugged. “I don’t know. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Jake is—”

“A sappy, overachieving, broody little son of a bitch and you could do much better.” Beck grinned up at me.

I made a face at him and had just turned back to Claudia when I got a text.

You should know I’m in the kitchen of this blond chick I’m kind of in love with. If you see her, tell her I miss her and to get her ass back here.

“Jake is waiting for you—”

“In our apartment,” I finished for Claud, waving my phone at her.

I wondered why Jake had gone back to my place when he knew I was hanging out with my dad. It occurred to me that perhaps he was concerned my dad might’ve said something to change my mind about our relationship. I longed for the days when we could stop reassuring each other about our mutual commitment.

When I got to the apartment, Jake was in the kitchen with Maggie. I tried to be polite to her, but I was in a hurry to talk to my boyfriend so I offered a quick hello and goodbye as I dragged Jake into my room.

“Eager, are we?”

“I just wanted you to know that we’re okay. Despite my dad and everything.”

Instantly, Jake’s eyebrows puckered. “Speaking of your father… I really want to hear how things went with your dad tonight, but I have to know something that’s been bugging me since he mentioned it… Alex?”

I’d actually forgotten my dad had mentioned Alex’s name. Shit.

Now for the truth. I had no idea how Jake would react to it.

Alex Roster was one of my best friends. But for a while… he was more than that.

I took a deep breath. “The guy, the one I dated for ten months freshman year of college… it was Alex.”

Jake tensed and then he gently pushed me away. “Alex was the guy?”

Sensing this was going somewhere bad, I hurried to explain. “After you left, everything was different. We’d both changed and we grew close. We’re really good friends. At college we decided to give it another go. It worked for a while but I couldn’t give him what he wanted and he couldn’t give me what I needed.” I shrugged. “We broke up, but we’ve stayed friends. He’s been seeing his girlfriend Sharon for ages. They’re happy together and—”

“Ten months?” Jake interrupted. He’d paled. “You fucked him?” he whispered hoarsely.

“Jake…” I felt betrayed by the question. “That’s not even fair. You probably fucked an entire sorority house while we were broken up.”

“They weren’t goddamn Alex Roster!” he yelled, brushing past me.

I watched on as he wore out my carpet, pacing back and forth.

“All that time we were dating, you said you had no feelings for him and you were lying to me?”

I’d expected him to not like the news, but I hadn’t expected him to be so angry and hurt. “No, I wasn’t lying. I didn’t have feelings for him then,” I promised. “Like I said, Brett’s death changed us. You breaking my heart changed me. You left, Jake. Alex stayed.”

Jake jerked to a stop, like I’d hit him. “Is that how it’s going to be forever? You winning an argument for the rest of our lives by throwing that in my face?”

“I threw it in your face for this particular argument because it has relevance. You wanted to know how I ended up dating Alex.”

“For ten months?” He shook his head in disbelief and slumped down on the bed. “God, the thought of you with him…” Jake closed his eyes. “The thought of you with anyone else…” His dark, tumultuous gaze met mine. “You were in love with him?”

“No.” I sat next to him. “That’s the reason we broke up. He told me he loved me but I didn’t love him. We weren’t right for each other, Jake. He didn’t want me to be a cop, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a little crazy. He drove himself nuts worrying about me. And he… he was too concerned with how everything looked to everyone else. And…” I curled my hand around Jake’s neck, drawing our faces closer. “It was never passionate between us. It was just nice. And you have no idea how heartbreaking ‘just nice’ is when you know what ‘beautiful’ tastes like.”

“Yes, I do,” Jake whispered against my lips before closing his eyes again. He leaned his forehead against mine as he reached for my free hand. “This is how you felt watching me with Melissa?”

“Yes,” I whispered back.

Jake’s expression crumbled and suddenly he was cupping my face in his hands, his anguished eyes blazing into mine. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you over and over again.”

“Jake…” I folded into him, wrapped my arms tightly around him as his enclosed around me.

“Every day,” he said softly, “I’m going to spend every day making it up to you.”

I sat in his arms for a while as he rocked us gently.

Finally Jake broke the silence. “Your dad? How did it go tonight?”

“You’re having dinner with us tomorrow,” I said, making the decision on the spot. No way would Dad change his mind about Jake if he didn’t spend time with him. I pulled back to look at Jake.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Tonight,” I abruptly tugged up the hem of his T-shirt. Without questioning, Jake raised his arms and let me pull it off. “When you defended me,” I threw his shirt on my chair and slowly drew my own sweater up over my head, “it felt amazing. I don’t need anyone to fight for me, Jake.” I pressed a soft kiss to his waiting mouth, coasting my fingertips across his chest, my thumbs brushing his nipples, my touch making him shudder. “But I have to admit that I like that you want to.”

“Always,” he said, arching his neck for me as my lips trailed kisses along his jaw and down his throat.

I caressed his abs with my hands, soft, gentle touches that accelerated his breathing. I flicked my tongue over his nipple and his hands clamped around my arms in reaction. “Let me.” I looked up at him.

His eyes burned with lust. “Torture me?”

I shook my head. “That implies you won’t to get play too. I’m just asking you to let me play first.”

Jake nodded, his excitement evident. “Whatever you want, baby. I’ve missed you.”

Kissing my way down his stomach, I felt my own skin start to heat and the pulse between my legs throb at the increase in Jake’s breathing. When I reached the low-slung waistband of his jeans, I traced the skin just above with my tongue, excited by the low, deep growl emanating from Jake’s throat.

His erection strained against his zipper.

“Let me help you with that.” I smiled up at him mischievously. “It looks painful.”

The look on his face almost broke me. His features were taut, his eyes fogged with desire, and everything in me wanted to answer it—just rip off his jeans and mine and jump him.

Patience was something I needed to practice.

Jake watched me, his intensity making me shiver with anticipation as I unzipped his jeans and pulled at the waistband of his boxers underneath. He tilted his hips off the bed, giving me easier access. I tugged his jeans and underwear down, pulling off his boots so I could remove his clothes completely.

He sat there, comfortable with his nakedness. And so he should be. I licked my lips, my eyes roaming his sculpted body and throbbing erection.

“I’m a lucky, lucky girl.” I grinned up at him, making him smile wryly back at me.

“I’m glad you think so.”

I shook my head as I stood up. “I know so.” I unclipped my bra, letting it drop to the floor. Jake’s eager eyes fastened on my naked breasts as my nipples tightened into hard buds.

Taking my time, I kicked off my boots, unzipped my jeans, and shimmied out of them. Wearing only my panties, I stepped closer so our legs touched.

Jake slid his hands up my outer thighs until they rested on my hips, his eyes devouring every inch of me. “I think you’ve got it the wrong way around.”

“What?”

“I’m the lucky one.”

I nodded solemnly. “Yeah, you are.”

He shook his head, seeming to marvel at me, a look that turned my insides to mush. “Do you have any idea how sexy you are?”

I smiled cockily and pointedly at his hard-on. “I have an inkling.”

Jake laughed, biting his lower lip as he hooked a finger into my panties. “Are these leaving us any time soon?”

Nudging his legs apart so I could step between them, I lowered myself to the floor. “Eventually. I have something more urgent on my mind, though.”

“Charley,” he said, breath short, his dark eyes flashing with excitement. “You don’t have to.”

“When have I ever not wanted to?” I reminded him.

His groan filled my ears as I took him into my mouth, sucking lightly at first at his warm, salty taste. I licked the pre-cum from his tip, teasing him mercilessly with my mouth until he begged me to stop.

I gave him what he wanted, sucking him hard as I pumped the base with my fist.

When I knew he was close, I stopped.

His chest rose and fell in pants as he stared at me in disbelief. “Why?”

I stood, only to crawl onto the bed next to him. I kissed him softly. “Now do me, but don’t let me come. Let’s save that.”

Understanding, Jake asked, “Delayed gratification, huh?”

“Exactly.”

“It fucking hurts,” he smiled ruefully back at me.

“But it’ll be worth it.” I lay back on the bed and watched him as he pulled my panties down very slowly, torturously so. I was already turned on from going down on him and didn’t think it would take much to climax. Jake had a challenge on his hands to stop before it happened.

At the touch of his tongue on my ankle, I realized clearly he was up for pushing me to breaking point. He pressed soft kisses up my legs, alternating between the two, positioning them how he wanted, bending my knee so he could lick the crease behind it. I squirmed, my whole body tingling with anticipation. My nerves sparked, begging for fire.

He pushed my legs apart, crawling between them. My hips jerked at the feel of his mouth on the inside of my thigh. He scattered soft kisses along my skin, driving me crazy.

When he proceeded to lick the crease between my thigh and my sex, I whimpered his name pleadingly. Taking pity, Jake tickled me with the stroke of his finger seconds before his mouth came down on me.

I sighed in pleasure, lost completely to the search for satisfaction as Jake’s tongue circled my clit. I writhed against his mouth while he played me perfectly, his tongue moving down, sliding inside me.

I was barely aware of my cries to God, to Jake, my begging for more.

He returned to my clit, sucking it between his teeth, and I felt it coming. My body tensed, preparing for it.

And then Jake’s mouth was gone.

It took me a minute to blink through the haze of lust to realize what had happened.

Delayed gratification. I pouted at him as he kneeled between my legs. “You’re right. It hurts.”

“You’re telling me,” he said quietly and my eyes dropped to his dick. It strained toward his stomach, purple-red with need.

I shivered and spread my legs a little wider. “I’m all yours if you want me.”

Jake dragged his eyes over my body in a way that made my breasts swell. “Oh, I want you,” he answered, his voice thick. “I want you to turn over.”

“Over?”

“I want to see all of you. Now turn over.”

Immediately turned on by his commanding attitude, I let my sliding hair hide my smile as I rolled over onto my stomach for him. I rested my chin on my arms. “Now wha—oh…” I melted at the soft touch of his warm lips on my lower back.

“I love these dimples,” he muttered, his breath whispering over my skin. “When you wear jeans and a small tee, it shows off these sexy dimples just above your ass. Turns me on every time I see them.”

I grinned. “That’s good to know.”

And then all thought flew swiftly from my mind as Jake pressed kisses over my butt cheeks, his tongue licking lightly at my skin as he did so.

I began to writhe again as he licked the crease between the bottom curve of my right cheek and the back of my thigh. “Jake,” I groaned, deliciously surprised by the sensual assault.

Two fingers slid inside me and I clenched my hands into fists, arching my neck, raising my ass as he pumped those fingers slowly in and out. My body tensed.

“I’m going to come,” I whimpered, warning him.

“Not without me, you’re not.”

Suddenly, he had me on my back again, his expression fierce. He pulled me under him, his chest brushing mine while he gripped my thigh in his hand, parting my legs.

He thrust inside me and we both moaned at the feel of my tight inner muscles pulsing around him. Jake held still for a moment and that something magical that was always there passed between us. Eyes connected the whole time, Jake’s grip on my thigh tightened and he pulled back out only to surge back inside me so deeply, I cried out. I arched against his thrusts, meeting each one with a building urgency.

My muscles tightened, my body stiffened.

I came on a cry of his name, tears in my eyes as I stared into his, my hips shuddering against his with release as he continued to pump into me.

Jake’s jaw clenched and he tensed a second before he came, jerking against me, his warm, long, wet release flooding me.

“Fuck,” he panted, relaxing into me.

I wrapped my arms and legs around him, holding him close.

“Definitely worth it,” he mumbled against my shoulder. “Delayed gratification.”

I chuckled. “Oh, yeah.”

He kissed my collarbone and pushed up, easing his weight off me. I caught the note of seriousness in his expression and waited with bated breath. “Something happened here. I’m not pressuring you into going too fast, but I need you to acknowledge when our relationship is moving forward. I know I don’t deserve it, but it’ll stop me going crazy.” He smirked unhappily. “I’ve been going crazy wondering when you’re going to decide this is a bad idea, and I know I’ll have to live with that. But… I felt something with you tonight…”

“Hey,” I curled my hand around his neck, “I felt it.”

Jake studied me a moment and then whispered, “I love you.”

I gave him a weak smile, pulling him down for a kiss so I didn’t have to see the disappointment in his eyes.

Desperate to move past those three little words and the sudden disconnect between us, I broke the halfhearted kiss to change the subject. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about Alex.”

Jake rolled off me to lie on his back. I was relieved when he curled an arm around me to pull me into his side. “It’s okay. We’re a work in progress.”

“That we are.”

Silence, not entirely uncomfortable, fell between us and I didn’t know whom I was most disappointed in—myself for being emotionally stunted or Jake for ruining the moment with another “I love you.”