Out of the Shallows

20

West Labayelle, April 2014

“Do you still believe that something awful will happen to your sister if you were to resume a relationship with Jake?” Dr. Bremner asked.

I shook my head firmly. “No. I think you were right to begin with. I think that the anxiety I was feeling over the breakdown of my relationship with Andie and my parents’ disapproval amplified that fear that if I broke my grief-stricken pact, Andie would pay for it. It’s taken me a while but the stifling weight is gone.”

“But you still have moments where it affects you?”

“When I think about my future and whether Jake is a part of that future, I won’t lie. The thought flits across my mind, but I squash it with rationality. It’s like a little mantra. I give myself a talking-to.”

Dr. Bremner nodded. “That’s excellent progress.” She shut her notepad. “So what about Jake? Do you think you’re ready to face him and make a decision about your relationship?”

My uncertainty took hold as it always did when thinking about that. “Jake told me that he thought we needed a chance to start over without our past clinging to us. I’m still not sure that’s true. We failed to trust one another in times when we really needed each other most. I’m not sure what that says about us as a couple.”

“So you don’t agree with Jake that circumstances interfered? You don’t think he’s right when he said that if your parents and Andie hadn’t been so disapproving of your relationship, he would’ve been by your side through your sister’s accident and through all the issues you’ve been dealing with these last few months?”

“I think he would’ve wanted to be.”

“The question is would you have wanted him to be?”

“Well, yeah, he was my boyfriend.”

Dr. Bremner smiled softly. “Then wouldn’t that make Jake right?”

“Okay, now you’re just confusing me.”

I’d been thinking about Jake constantly, now that everything else seemed to be falling into place. It was time to work out the best thing to do. My conversations with Dr. Bremner would probably be moving along a lot faster if my true feelings weren’t so inhibited by the memory of both Jake and my actions since we’d met at Alex’s party all those years ago.

I had to decide whether I could forgive the folly of our youth and bet all my money on the wisdom of our experiences in the hopes that third time around, we’d do it right.

But all my hedging was brought to a halt by Jake’s last email.

Charley,

I can’t write you anymore. One way or another, we have to move on. I thought these emails were the best way to keep you in my life, but they started to feel empty weeks ago.

I just want us both to be happy, and we’re not going to find that in these emails.

I miss you. I miss you so much, it kills me.

But I can’t go on that way forever. There will never be a day that passes that I won’t miss you, but I know that I have to get back to the days where the pain is dulled enough I can live with it.

I told you to find yourself and when you were done to come find me.

Well, you found yourself and I’m guessing I’m no longer a part of that equation, and that’s okay. All right, it’s not okay, but I understand.

I guess I’ll see you at Claudia and Beck’s wedding in a few years. By then I think we might be able to share a smile, maybe even a drink, without it hurting like fuck.

Don’t write back.

Just be happy.

Jake

There was no way to get that email out of my head. I had the words memorized.

They broke my heart.

“What’s with the sad face?” Beck said as he walked in, Claudia on his heels. I looked up from the kitchen counter where I’d been standing, staring off as I replayed Jake’s email over and over in my mind.

Seeing Beck was a constant reminder of his best friend.

“Uh, this?” I pointed to my face as I threw him a fake grin. “You’ve got your emoticons upside down, mister.”

Beck smirked at Claudia. “Do you think we could make money off her smart-assery? Put her in a sideshow?”

Claudia frowned at me in concern. “Are you still killing yourself over Jake’s email?”

Beck’s face immediately closed down at the mention of his best friend. Although we were friends, and our talk outside The Brewhouse had definitely strengthened that friendship, it didn’t mean Beck was any happier with me regarding Jake. However, it was something he didn’t push me on, just like I didn’t push him to talk to Claudia about his future with the band. He was still musing over what he would do.

Still, I didn’t want Beck to think I was a total bitch, and I didn’t want Jake to, either. I got the impression from his email that he might be starting to hate me for real. It occurred to me—if I was honest with Beck, then perhaps that honesty might find its way back to Jake.

“Yes,” I said. “It was just so final.”

“Maybe that’s for the best,” Beck said tightly.

Claudia punched the top of his arm. “No, it’s not,” she argued.

“It is for Jake.” Beck refused to be cowed. He shot me a look. “I’m sorry, Charley, but he’s been waiting around for you for a whole fucking year now. He needs to let go and you need to let him go.”

“She loves him, you jackass.”

“Babe,” Beck tried to placate her, “I think you need to let go of this particular hope.”

“I do love him,” I cut off whatever scathing reply Claudia was about to shoot back. “But I finally feel like I can breathe for the first time in a year and I’m scared that everything will get crazy again if Jake and I got back together.”

That shut them both up.

Beck’s gaze softened and he leaned across the counter. “It’s always going to be a little crazy. You can’t control this shit.” He shot Claudia a sardonic look and said, “Believe me.”

She rolled her eyes at him before turning back to me. “Charley… you’re going to lose him for real if you don’t make a move. And what happens if you bump into each other at U of C next fall? What if you have to endure watching him with another Melissa? Can you handle that?”

“Wait.” Beck shot up from the counter in surprise. “You’re going to Chicago for law?”

I nodded, feeling a little sheepish that I hadn’t told Jake or the guys.

“And you knew?” Beck asked Claudia. “This will kill Jake. You can’t go to the same school unless you’re together. It’ll majorly fuck with his head.” He slumped down onto a nearby stool looking suddenly exhausted. “Okay, we have to fix this.”

“How?” I said, feeling a little frantic.

Beck studied me a moment. “Do you really love him?”

“Yes.”

“Are you willing to lose him?”

I bit my lip, knowing that despite the fear inside me, there really was only one answer to that question. “No.”

Beck grinned. “You got any money?”

“For what?”

“As we speak, Jake is on a plane to Europe for spring break with Luke and a couple of Luke’s friends. Luke thought he needed to get away for a bit.”

Immediately catching on, I felt adrenaline shoot through me. I felt jittery, impatient, anxious, and scared shitless. “Europe.” It couldn’t be Las Vegas, huh? Then again, flying clear across an ocean was a pretty big statement. “Do you have his itinerary?”

I had to make a decision and I didn’t have the luxury of time. Jake’s heart couldn’t take much more, and mine needed to learn how to cope with all the craziness that came with loving someone as much as I loved Jacob Caplin.

I was fearful. But I was also excited and ready to do this, no matter if I was walking into a lifetime of drama, or a moment of rejection that would live with me forever.

I was going to do this, unknown be damned.