Out of the Shallows

3

West Labayelle, August 2013

Although I’d been worried about leaving Mom and Dad when our relationship (my relationship with my dad, really) was in limbo, I could breathe a little easier now that Claudia and I had settled into our old apartment in West Lafayette. The apartment was in a picturesque red-brick building with whitewashed balconies. It looked over a green, and had a communal pool and gym. The apartment itself was big, contemporary, and we each had a good-sized bedroom and bathroom to ourselves. It cost Claudia’s parents a small fortune in rent every month. However, they could afford it and Claudia couldn’t give a crap if she milked them for all they had, considering money was the only currency they offered up in terms of affection.

“Well, I think I’m finally unpacked,” I announced, walking into the open plan living room and kitchen area. Claudia was playing Carrie Underwood on her laptop while she—“Why are you rearranging the furniture?”

She stood from pushing the sofa, wiping sweat from her brow. “New year, new everything.” She grinned as if that was an answer.

“Watch your back, okay?” I said, eyeing the brown leather couch dubiously. “It’s not exactly a poodle you’re pushing around there.”

“I’m fine. I’m done.” She strode into the kitchen and pulled two bottles of water from the fridge, throwing one my way. I caught it as she said, “Did you check in with your parents?”

She knew too well I had. “They’re going to Chicago this weekend. That usually does them some good. I just wish things weren’t still so strained between us. I was hoping it would miraculously return to normal before I left for school.”

“Maybe if you’d go with them to Chicago once and a while…”

“Don’t,” I snapped.

“Okay, shutting up.”

Turning the tables on her, I said, “Speaking of parents… have you spoken to any of yours?”

Claudia’s expression soured. “My mom. She’s been calling more since Barcelona.”

Surprised by the seeming show of parental concern, I said, “That’s good?”

My friend raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “We’ll see.”

“Cautious as she goes. Smart.” I glanced around at the exceptionally clean and tidy living space, knowing it wouldn’t stay that way for long once classes started. “So… are we meeting Alex and Sharon tonight or are you planning on something else for the ‘new year, new everything’ attitude you got going on?”

She made a face at my sarcasm. “Be like that if you want, but I actually got the idea from you. You said you wanted a fresh start. Well, you’re absolutely right. We’re starting over almost from scratch. I have a plan—now you need one.”

“And what exactly is yours?”

“Life is for living, right?” Claudia grinned, her green eyes glittering. “I’m finally going to ask Will out.”

“The hot TA?” Will McPherson was a TA in our second-year criminology class. Claudia had crushed on him. “Do you think he’ll still be there?”

Her face fell. “I did not think of that.”

I turned away to hide my smile. “He could still be here. Don’t lose hope. Your plan to distract yourself from the fact that you’re in love with Beck could still work out.”

“Don’t, or I’ll whip out my Jake card.”

I flinched at his name. “Fine. Your plan: ask out Will. My plan: pass the LSATs.”

“Unimaginative, but if it’s what you want, I will help you attain it.”

“I appreciate it. Now get your butt in the shower. We’re meeting Alex and Sharon in an hour at The Brewhouse.”

“An hour?” She tugged on a lock of silky, black hair. “It takes me an hour just to blow my hair out.”

“Then you better get a move on, Pocahontas.”

The Brewhouse was a bar close to campus that was a little slack on the ID thing. A lot of the campus bars were but The Brewhouse hosted live bands on the weekend. Claudia complained all the time that there were never any country singers booked to play. I pointed out that the usual clientele weren’t really country people.

As soon as we walked in, I saw Alex and Sharon. My eyes met Alex’s and an overwhelming sense of home washed over me. When I’d hurried back from Scotland months ago to be with my parents, Alex was there for me. He returned to Lanton from Purdue. Once the worst was over, he still came home on the weekends to see me.

However, he’d taken off this summer with Sharon and they’d gone traveling around Europe. I’d missed him. I’d missed his support and how he withheld judgment.

All I really wanted to do was throw myself into his arms and hug him tight.

However, as nice as Sharon was, she was a little cagey of me being affectionate with her boyfriend considering he was my ex, and I understood enough to keep my distance when she was around.

Alex, however, was clueless that way.

He grinned at me, got up out of his chair, and strode across the bar with determination. Next thing I knew I was crushed in his bear hug.

I hugged him back, squeezing my eyes shut and taking in the familiar smell of his sandalwood and musk cologne.

“It’s good to see you, Charley,” he said quietly.

“You too.”

“Don’t I get a hug?”

Alex let me go, smiling at Claudia over my shoulder. “Always.”

They hugged as Sharon approached. She was a five-foot nothing, cute-as-a-button blond who had a nice thing to say about everybody. Bubbly and sweet, she was my complete opposite. She reached out to hug me and I hugged her back. “How are you?” she asked as she pulled away.

“Getting there,” I answered honestly enough. “How are you? How was Europe?”

Her blue eyes lit up. “So amazing! We have so many great stories to tell you guys.”

We settled down at their table with drinks, noting that the stage was set up for a band tonight. “Who’s playing?” I asked.

Alex shrugged. “No clue. More interestingly… did I hear a rumor you’re taking the LSATs?”

Glancing over at Claudia, I saw her looking away innocently. I sighed, turning back to Alex. “Yes, you heard correctly.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” He threw me a boyish grin.

“I thought you might be.” When we were together, Alex had fervently pushed me toward law school. He hated the idea of me becoming a cop as much as my parents had.

“Testing, testing!”

Our attention was drawn to Duke, a thirty-something bartender who’d worked The Brewhouse for years. No one really knew anything about him, a fact he played up to deliberately, often referring to himself as “mystery bartender guy,” which kind of took the cool out of the enigma. Duke stood on stage, tapping the mic. Satisfied, he gestured behind him. “For those not in the know, every Friday and Saturday night it’s live music night here at The Brewhouse. So if you’re looking for a quiet drink, you might want to try The Turtle down the street. But I promise you the jukebox selection there is as slow as the service.” He grinned waiting for laughs. They did not come. “Anyhoo, tonight I’d like to welcome to the stage some local boys—neighbors, really, from the Windy City. They’ve been making a name for themselves touring bars across the Midwest this summer. Please give a warm welcome to The Stolen.”

What the…

I stopped breathing as Lowe, Beck, Matt, and Denver made their way on stage.

What the…

Lowe lifted his guitar over his shoulder and sidled up to the mic. He looked the same, rimless glasses, lip ring, tattoos. Except not having seen him for five months made him more attractive. I’d missed him and the guys. Lowe’s eyes swept the bar and as soon as they hit our table, his shoulders seemed to lose some of their tension.

Our eyes locked and he smiled. “Thanks for having us at The Brewhouse. It’s nice to be here. We’ve got some friends in the audience, so tonight is for them. Charley, Claudia, The Stolen missed you this summer.”

Beck’s eyes were on Claudia as the band started and when I turned to question her, I found her staring right back at him in total surprise. Okay, then, so she didn’t know we were going to be hijacked tonight, either.

“These are your friends you met in Edinburgh?” Alex said, confusion and curiosity in his tone.

Claudia tore her gaze from Beck’s. “Yeah. I told Beck months and months ago that they should play here. Obviously he didn’t forget.”

Sharon’s brow wrinkled. “I thought they went to Northwestern.”

“They do,” I answered, willing my heart rate to slow. If The Stolen was here, then…

“It’s a bit of a trek just for one gig.”

“Uh…” Claudia gripped my arm hard and gestured toward the bar with her head. “That’s because this isn’t about a gig.”

My heart was full-on galloping, trying to burst out of my chest.

Jake.

I braced myself against my chair as he strode through the crowd toward our table. His eyes were on me but his face held no expression whatsoever.

Honestly, I felt like the world dropped from beneath me.

He stopped at the table, towering over me and all we could do was stare at each other. I drank in everything about him. His hair was a little longer, like when we were kids, and he needed a shave. His skin seemed paler than usual and he looked tired.

I wanted to stand up, wrap my arms around him, and feel and smell him all around me. Every muscle in my body ached with how much I missed him and I didn’t know if I should cry or curse or scream. Until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I truly, deeply missed him.

He was so much a part of me.

“Jake.” Alex stood, holding out his hand. “Long time, man.”

Giving nothing away, Jake shook Alex’s hand. “Alex.”

“Uh,” Alex looked down at Sharon, “this is my girl, Sharon. Sharon, this is Jake.”

She stretched out her hand with a congenial smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he replied quietly, shaking her hand.

“Jake.” Claudia’s chair scraped back and she rounded the table. She walked right into him, hugging him tight.

Jake cracked as he enveloped her, his eyes squeezing shut as they hugged.

I blinked away tears.

He was sad.

I’d made him sad.

And I should’ve known that I wouldn’t get off that easy.

“Can we take a walk, Charley?” he asked loudly over the music.

Looking back up at him, I saw Claudia had shuffled away to give us space. Jake’s expression was unreadable again.

I nodded and got up, leaving with him after giving Alex and Claud a look of reassurance.

We strolled outside into the warm evening air, the sound of The Stolen disappearing behind us. I glanced back at The Brewhouse, part of me hating the guys for taking a gig here and the other part of me a little more in love with them for doing this for Jake. He’d needed support and they were right there with him.

God, it was a wonder they didn’t all hate me for what I was doing to him.

Silence was thick between us as we walked down the sidewalk, passing other college kids enjoying their last weekend of freedom before classes started. The tension between us was palpable and the pull…

Jake walked beside me but he’d given me plenty of space, as if he was afraid to touch me. My body felt drawn to his, eager to pull him closer. I felt like I was physically fighting to keep the space between us.

Five months.

What guy comes back after five months?

I hated myself.

Jake exhaled loudly. “First, how is everyone?”

Not surprised he led with that, I said, “Better, thank you.”

He rubbed a hand over his head. He did that whenever he was unsure or uncomfortable. “I should explain something. When Andie… I kept my distance not only because you asked, but because it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t about me and I know having me there would’ve upset your parents. Not to mention it might stir things up in Lanton, with my history with the town and I… you and your parents didn’t need that on top of everything else. So me not turning up to push the issues between us was about that—it wasn’t about me giving up. And you knew that. You knew you could break up with me and not have to deal with the fallout and the questions because if I turned up, I was a selfish dick. Yet, if I didn’t turn up, I was the dick who didn’t care enough to fight, so for you it was a win-win.” He shot me a searing look, his soulful eyes making me so breathless with pain, I had to turn away. “For me… I’ve been waiting five months. Five months of hell, waiting for you to leave Lanton. Now you have and now I’m here.”

I felt sick. It was my turn to exhale. Shakily. “My being here hasn’t really changed anything, Jake.”

He huffed, “See, maybe that’s the problem. I don’t know what the situation is now. I don’t know why you pushed me away. I don’t know why you broke up with me because you didn’t even give me a reason… over the phone. I want to know why. How did we go from being perfect to being nothing?”

I didn’t have any answers that wouldn’t make me sound like a crazy person. Instead, I pulled on the attitude that had gotten me through our first breakup. “Can’t you just be angry with me, resent me, hate me, and then leave it at that?”

“Oh, I’m angry,” he said. “But I also love you, so the answer to that question is no.”

I sucked in my breath and looked away, willing the tears to fuck off. “I’m angry at me too. Okay? I haven’t been able to face you because I’ve been dealing with a lot of other stuff. You’re just not a part of that equation anymore.”

“That’s still not an answer. And I can see how upset you are right now, so I’m not believing the whole unaffected shit you’re trying to pull.” Suddenly, I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. I jerked away instinctively, knowing if I let him touch me, I’d break in an instant. Catching sight of the hurt in his eyes gutted me. “You could stop acting like this. You could just be honest and tell me what the hell is going through your head.”

“I’ve chosen them,” I said abruptly, wanting this conversation to be over. “That’s what I said to you when we broke up, and I meant it. When I pushed you away, that was me choosing my family over you. That’s all this is.”

The muscle in his jaw flexed. “Why does it have to be an either-or situation? We can work on bringing them around. That was the plan all along.”

“It’s not anymore.” I made myself meet his eyes, forcing all the conviction I could into mine. “I hurt them for you, Jake. I put you first and now I’ve damaged my relationship with them. Maybe irreparably. I have to try to fix that, so…” I shrugged unhappily, every part of my body screaming at my mouth not say it. “You and I are over.”

He lowered his gaze from mine as he rubbed a hand over the scruff on his jaw. I felt a little punch to my gut as I realized his hand was trembling slightly.

“Jake?”

A couple of kids pushed past us and Jake took that opportunity to turn his back on me, staring out across the street with his hands locked tight behind his head.

I gave him his space but waiting on his reaction was excruciating.

Finally he turned back to me. The anger in his eyes was there for all to see but his words were careful, controlled. “I thought if I came here and you had to face me, then you’d see what a colossal mistake this is. But that’s not going to happen, is it?”

“No…” I shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

“So that’s it?” he said, and I found myself growing confused by the anger and pain in his eyes and the calmness of his tone. “We’re no longer fighting for us?”

I waited until an approaching couple had passed out of earshot before I said, “We’ve hurt each other. Maybe we could get past that, but right now I have to work on myself and my relationship with my parents. You and I are a lot, Jake. You know we are. We’re drama. I can’t deal with that. Plus, I’m taking the LSATs this year so I’ll be too busy—”

“You’re what?” he said, surprise written all over his face.

I ignored the stab of disappointment I felt. I wasn’t interested in analyzing whether it came from him or from within myself. “I’m not going to be a cop.”

Jake stared at me silently for a few seconds. There was a confused and wary aspect in his eyes as he gestured to me. “You really aren’t you right now, are you?”

Frowning, I looked away. “I’m me. I’m just not yesterday’s me.”

For a while we didn’t say anything. My body was eager to get away from him. Somehow around Jake, I felt stripped bare in front of a mirror and I wasn’t too fond of the reflection staring back at me.

“Can we still be friends? Your parents were all right when we were friends.”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “You want to stay in my life? After what I’ve put you through these last five months?”

That little tick of muscle in his jaw and the glitter in his eyes gave away his anger, but the words tumbling out of his mouth belied it. “You forgave me once. I’m forgiving you. I want us to be friends. You don’t have to shut me out of your life, Charley.”

I knew it would be easier to do just that. Last time it had been too hard to be around him and just be friends.

Yet now that I had him in front of me again, I couldn’t find the words to deny him. It would be easier this time. He went to Northwestern, I went to Purdue. We were almost three hours apart. Our friendship would fizzle out on its own without me having to be the one to sever the undeniable connection between us. Time and distance would do that.

“Okay,” I agreed.

We walked for a little while before deciding to make our way back to the bar. I asked about his family, about school, about his summer touring with The Stolen. His one-word answers didn’t exactly scream, “Let’s be friends,” which made me even more bewildered by his attitude about our breakup.

He was visibly upset, clearly pissed off, and yet his words were strangely calm and accepting.

I had no idea what was going on.

Stepping into the bar, I saw the stage was empty. The band had finished their set and the jukebox was playing Arcade Fire.

My Claudia radar found her pressed into the near right corner of the bar. Beck had his hands on the wall at either side of Claudia’s head, his own head bent toward her. By their body language and the look on Claudia’s face, I’d say they were arguing. Their reunion apparently was going as well as Jake’s and mine had.

“Charley!”

I walked toward the shout of my name, smiling at Lowe as he stood up from the table the guys were sharing with Alex and Sharon. I hugged Lowe, taken aback by how happy he was to see me. Denver and Matt equally so, their hugs just as long and tight. In all honesty, I’d been preparing myself for their defection. It would’ve made sense if they’d taken Jake’s side in this whole thing.

I did notice a look passing between Lowe and Jake, however, and Lowe got a little quiet with me after that. Matt and Denver, not so much.

“You should’ve seen the tail I picked up this summer, Charley.” Matt smirked, as he leaned back in his chair.

I smirked right back. “Tail?”

“I could’ve said worse. That was me censorizing myself.”

Denver snorted. “You need to stop with the weed, Matt. It truly is killing your brain cells. And your vocabulary.”

I laughed. It was like we’d never been apart. “I take it the mini-tour went well.”

Denver nodded. “It was great. We got permission to film in a lot of the bars and our live sets are getting a lot of exposure on YouTube. We’re just waiting for a label to see it.”

I frowned, turning to Lowe. “No luck on the demos you sent out?”

Lowe shook his head and took a drink, his eyes on the table and not on me.

I sighed.

Great.

I opened my mouth to speak to Alex, knowing I’d get eye contact out of him, when Claudia’s shriek filled the bar. “Asshole!”

We all turned around, watching as she shoved a pissed-off Beck aside and stormed toward the exit.

I instantly pushed my chair back at the same time Alex held out Claudia’s purse. I gave him a grim thanks and glanced around at the guys, carefully avoiding Jake’s gaze. “I’ve got to go. Bye, guys. It was nice to see you.”

It was wrong that I was glad Claudia and Beck had a fight that got me out of there. I knew it was wrong. But still… I was grateful.