Out of the Shallows

7

Northwestern September 2013

No matter how much I was willing myself to be unaffected, to be calm, I wasn’t. Bolstering my courage, I threw back my shoulders and prepared to reenter the common room where Jake had some redheaded sophomore hanging all over him.

Instead of facing Jake, however, I walked smack bang into a hard chest.

“There she is.” Beck wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back. I felt his lips brush my ear. “Can you please talk to your best friend?”

I pulled back, frowning. “Hi, Beck, it’s good to see you too, after six months, since the last time didn’t really count.”

He blanched. “Sorry. It’s good to see you. It really is. I’m just a little distracted at the moment.” He glanced to his left, where Claudia stood laughing with Denver, Matt, and a couple of guys I didn’t recognize. “She won’t even look at me.”

“Whatever you do, don’t start flirting with another girl.”

It was his turn to frown. “Wasn’t planning on it. Any other suggestions?”

I felt Lowe’s hand at my back. “Don’t put Charley in the middle, Beck. The middle is a fucked-up place to be.”

“I’m not. I’m just running out of ideas.”

Honestly, it was frustrating watching two people who were supposed to be together mess it up so royally. I had a hard time keeping my nose out of it. But my nose tried.

Beck searched my face as I stared back at him, steadfast in my stoicism. His eyes narrowed. “Is she really dating someone?”

I shrugged.

“Charley. Please.”

“Yes.”

A pained look crossed his gorgeous face. “Is it serious?”

“She doesn’t talk about it.”

“What does that mean exactly?”

I shot a look Claudia’s way to make sure she wasn’t aware I was talking to Beck and about to betray the girl code. “It means when you see her on her own, stop her and make her listen.”

“Just stop her and make her listen? I don’t know if you remember but last time that happened, I got verbally bitch-slapped in public.”

“Yeah.” I smiled, remembering it. “But you also made your point and you got to her. She can’t not listen if you’re constantly there trying to talk to her.”

“Valid point,” Lowe added.

Beck smirked at us both, his eyes softening when they met mine. “Thanks, Charley.”

“Just don’t tell her we had this conversation.”

“Secret to the grave.”

Just like that he disappeared stealthily into the crowds like a love ninja.

Despite my own situation, I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m finding this side of Beck incredibly endearing.”

Lowe snorted, guiding me farther into the room. “You don’t have to live with him.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“I love Claudia, I do, she’s a great girl, but brooding Beck is a pain in my ass. We already had Jake to put up with. Now there are two.”

“Did I hear my name?”

My shoulders tensed at the sound of Jake’s voice. My whole body tensed when I turned to find him standing before me. There was no redhead now, but the specter of her remained.

Lowe’s fingers flexed on my lower back and I had to admit it was easier to deal with this crapshoot of a situation with him supporting me.

“Hey.” Jake said. “It’s good to see you.”

“Let’s find more beer.” I ignored him, turning my whole body into Lowe. “I definitely need more.”

He shot Jake an unreadable look out of the corner of his eye. “Sure,” he said and we moved through the crowd, away from my ex and his stunned, hurt expression.

Over the subsequent hour or so, I had a couple more beers, chatted with Matt and Denver, watched Beck stare broodingly at Claudia, witnessed Claudia bestow a beyond murderous look his way when he intercepted a cute guy trying to give her a drink, and then I started dancing with a strange guy. His name was Toby or Tony or Troy or something and he liked my hair.

Something he told me a number of times before I said yes to a dance.

All I really wanted was to forget everything. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was aware of Jake every single minute of the evening. Jake was popular and every time I turned around, he was hanging out with someone new. We didn’t make eye contact once.

It was like we were complete strangers.

I was barely even aware of the fact that a slow song had come on, or that I was dancing in Toby/Tony/Troy’s arms when I heard Lowe say in voice that brooked no argument, “I’m cutting in.”

Toby/Tony/Troy was forcefully removed from my vicinity and suddenly I was dancing with Lowe, except he’d pressed me back so I wasn’t smooshed up to him like I had been with my previous partner.

“Problem, officer?”

He laughed and shook his head at me. “Can you not be cute right now?”

The smirk died from my lips at his comment. Jake sometimes said that to me when I used humor as a deflection. If Lowe noticed the change in me, he didn’t say so.

“Why are you dancing with that guy, Charley? That’s not you.”

“Uh, do you not remember Halloween last year?”

He blinked. “Jesus, we’ve known each other a year. How did that happen?”

“I imagine it had something to do with the world turning for almost 365 days.”

Lowe’s lips twitched. “You really are a smart-ass.”

I saluted him. “Top of my class.”

“I’m being serious.” He gave me a little shake. “I don’t want you doing anything stupid because Jake hurt you tonight.”

“Hurt?” I said, suffusing just the right amount of boredom into my tone. “I’m not hurt anymore, Lowe. I feel better. Any doubts I had… poof!” I gestured an explosion with my hand. “I’ve been replaced.” I shrugged. Beer did help with convincing deception. “That means we weren’t meant to be. I was right in the first place. Makes moving on now very easy to do.”

I was too busy congratulating myself on sounding like I meant it to notice Lowe was now searching the room with an anxious expression on his face.

A couple of beers later I wandered through the main rec room and away from Denver, Matt, and a bunch of people I didn’t know. I searched the room as I left, not seeing Jake, Lowe, Beck, or Claudia. I frowned. Only a few minutes ago I’d seen Lowe practically making out with some brunette in the corner, and Claudia had been flirting with a random guy as Beck watched on, seething.

I wondered where they’d all disappeared.

“Hey…” I stopped a girl wearing a Northwestern hoodie. “Nearest bathroom?”

“Down the hall to your left. Third door down, I think.”

I thanked her and walked out into the corridor, thinking after I’d used the restroom it might be time to grab Claudia and get out of there. Bemoaning the disastrous decision we’d made to come here, I wasn’t really paying attention to the fact that the third door down didn’t have signage on it.

I thrust the door open and froze at the scene in front of me.

I was in a dorm room, a dorm room in which Beck had a girl pressed up against the wall, kissing her with a passionate intensity that actually made my cheeks heat. It took me a second to recognize the girl, and I must’ve made some kind of strangled noise because it broke the scene up.

Claudia pushed Beck away, her eyes bright, her tan complexion tinged with a flush.

Stunned by this development, I stammered out an apology for interrupting.

My best friend shook her head frantically. “You’re not interrupting anything.” She brushed past Beck who grabbed her wrist to stall her. Claudia tugged out of his hold, glowering at him. His eyes narrowed and he turned away, staring at the wall, the muscle in his jaw flexing.

Claudia gave me a look that screamed, “Don’t you dare ask,” and rushed out the door behind me.

Well, this was uncomfortable.

I watched Beck as he blew out air between his lips and hung his head.

Sympathy opened my mouth. “Beck.”

He looked at me over his shoulder, appearing so disheartened I actually forgot my own woes for a moment.

“Be patient,” I told him. “Keep doing what you’re doing. Claudia just needs to know that she can piss you off, try your patience and drive you a little crazy, and you’ll still be there at the end of the day.”

Something in his eyes flickered, something a little like hope. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

His face darkened. “But the TA?”

“She’s not in love with him.” I shrugged and took a step toward the door. “Why do you think she’s so scared of you?”

“You shouldn’t really be telling me this stuff, should you?”

“No. If Claudia finds out, I’m on her shit list, so I’m taking a risk.”

Beck laughed softly. “Well, I appreciate it.”

I smiled back at him and turned around to resume my search for the bathroom, still a little stunned. I shouldn’t have been surprised to walk in on Claudia and Beck making out, and I guess I wasn’t. The truth was it wasn’t the fact that they’d kissed that had me reeling—it was the kiss itself. It wasn’t just the kiss of two people who were attracted to one another; it was the kiss of two people who needed one another. There was desperation in it, a longing so intense, it had been palpable to even me.

It was the kind of kiss I’d once shared with Jake.

Feeling even lower than I had been before, I walked down the hall, wondering if the bathroom was perhaps right, rather than left.

I was approaching an open dorm room door when two familiar voices made me stop in my tracks.

“I’m trying to tell you that you’re fucking up,” I heard Lowe snap.

“I know what I’m doing,” Jake replied, sounding irritated.

Curious, and yes, hoping to overhear my name, I pressed back against the wall and held my breath.

“Jake, I’m confused. I thought you got me to throw this thing, invite her here, so you could talk to her, patch things up. Who the fuck is the redhead?”

My mouth dropped open. They’d orchestrated this party just to get me here? What? Since when did Jake and Lowe work together on anything… especially something involving me?

“The redhead doesn’t matter. The whole point of tonight was to get Charley and me in the same room and show her what life is going to be like for us if we’re not together. Practically strangers at a party. I know Charley. She’s hating this as much as I am. We’re possessive of each other. We need to be in each other’s lives, know what’s going on with each other. Sooner, rather than later, she’s going to realize what a mistake this is. But not if she’s three hours away. It was only when we started hanging out again in Edinburgh that not being together was too hard.”

He was… manipulating me?

I just stopped myself from gasping out loud.

Jake wasn’t over me. This wasn’t… what the hell was this?

“I hate to tell you this but your plan is backfiring. She thinks you’ve moved on so she’s moving on. She thinks this proves that she was right to break up with you.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

I’d done a lot of cowardly things these last few months, but walking away from this wasn’t going to be one of them. Nobody, nobody manipulated me, and got away with it!

With anger burning in my blood, I stormed into the dorm room Jake and Lowe had chosen to have their little tête-a-tête. They both blanched when they turned to see who was interrupting them.

My eyes must have registered my feelings of betrayal when they met Lowe’s because he flinched. “Charley, it’s not—”

“Since when do you align yourself with him?” I snapped, gesturing to Jake. “You got together to manipulate me? Are you high?”

He shrugged helplessly. “I was trying to help two friends out. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” Lowe shook his head, looking between Jake and me. “It was a mistake to get involved and I’m now uninvolving myself.” He was still shaking his head as he walked past, not meeting my fiery gaze.

As soon as he was gone, Jake took a step toward me, holding up his hands in placation. “Don’t be pissed. I was just trying to fix us.”

“No.” I stepped back. “You were playing games, and I thought we were done with that.”

“Charley,” he stared at me, looking incredulous, “did you honestly just expect me to give up, walk away, after everything? I didn’t know what else to do. You wouldn’t have come here if I said I just wanted to hang out, talk, try to actually work out our problems instead of running from them. You’re the one acting like a child here. I just picked up where you left off.”

I couldn’t actually dispute any of that, which made me even more pissed, hurt, defensive, scared and… confused.

I started to shiver. “I… I can’t do this.” I turned away.

I hadn’t taken two steps when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist. Jake tugged me, forcefully, pulling me around so I stumbled into his chest. His lips crashed down on mine, his kiss hungry, desperate, angry…

For a moment I forgot everything else but the hard pressure of his mouth on mine, the smell of his cologne, the feel of his body. I was surrounded.

Drowning.

And I let it happen.

His lips moved from my mouth to my chin, along my jaw, as his hand slid up my waist, his thumb just grazing my breast. I sighed, my body arching into his. I was hot. Hot and wanting. Nothing else mattered but the way I felt when he touched me.

His voice was ragged in my ear. “I’ve missed you so much. I love you so fucking much.” He squeezed my waist and pulled me closer, his mouth reaching for mine again but those three little words had broken through the spell of lust created by Jake’s proximity and the four beers I’d had.

“Stop,” I whispered, pushing gently on his chest.

Instead of stopping, Jake kissed me again.

I pushed harder, breaking contact. “Jake, stop!”

He stumbled back, frustration and something else in his face. Panic? “Charley—”

“No.” I moved away from him, holding a hand out to ward him off. “This was a mistake. We’re…” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say as I tried to catch my breath.

We stared at each other in tense silence.

That’s when I came to the hardest decision of my life.

I felt like someone had stuck burning needles into every muscle in my body, and all I could feel was torturous pain, and I didn’t know why it was necessary. What point it had? Why it had to be that way? I started to imagine that perhaps those needles were my family, and horribly in that moment I resented the hell out of them. “We’re done for good. We can’t be friends and we can’t be this. Lose my number, Jake.”

He looked grief-stricken. “You can’t be serious?”

The tears slipped down my cheeks now and I brushed them hastily away. “Deadly. I won’t answer if you call.”

“Why?” he shook his head, his own resentment building his gorgeous eyes. “Just tell me why. A real answer this time.”

“I told you why. You didn’t listen.”

And just like that, I turned and walked out.

It was hard to make sense of something to someone else when you had a hard time figuring out if it really made sense to yourself. But I wasn’t crazy.

The truth was I’d made a promise. This was me keeping it.