Out of the Shallows

14

Edinburgh April 2013

After Claudia had broken down over Dustin’s callous rejection, Jake called Beck to let him know what had occurred and he’d hurried back to the hotel.

Something happened, though. When Beck got there, he tried to hug Claudia but she didn’t embrace him in return and wriggled out of his hold like she didn’t want him to touch her. He attempted to talk to her, but she cut him off, barely acknowledging his presence while they booked tickets out of Barcelona.

The entire way to the airport, Claud gave Beck the coldest shoulder, even snapping at him when he tried to help with her luggage. She’d been adamant that I sit next to her on the plane.

Beck was stunned and clearly hurt.

I gave it twenty minutes before I plucked up the nerve to ask. “What was that all about?”

“What?” she asked flatly.

“Beck.”

Claudia shot me a sharp look. “I’m done, Charley. I’m done being made a fool of by men who pretend to care. Dustin doesn’t want me in his life, fine. Guess what? I don’t want Beck in mine. I’ve spent the last six months trying to convince myself that he didn’t break my heart. But he did. He hurts me all the time and doesn’t even care. He’s selfish and cruel and I hate him.”

I knew my friend, and I knew that what she’d said wasn’t her. I was convinced she was projecting what she felt about Dustin onto Beck. “You don’t mean that.”

The coldness in her eyes shocked me. “Yes. I do.”

“Claudia…” I reached for her hand. “What exactly did Dustin say?”

Pain etched itself into her features. “When I got to his apartment, I knew something wasn’t right. He was nervous and jumpy and wouldn’t meet my gaze. Then Pedra showed up.”

Renewed anger flooded me. “He said it in front of her?”

She nodded unhappily. “He told me we needed to talk and I sat down across from them and he told me that his life is his art and that he didn’t have time for distractions. He said he’d never had to be responsible for anyone other than himself and at almost fifty years old, he knew it was too late to change that. And then he said that he thought I was a lovely young woman, but he’d rather not keep in contact because he felt it would be too confusing for both of us.”

“He’s a dick,” I said.

Claudia looked at me with a renewal of unshed tears in her eyes. “Why was he so excited and cool to begin with, Charley? He made plans with me for the future and then he just… why did he do that? I wish he’d never emailed me back. It would’ve hurt less. It’s like… he got to know me and decided he wanted nothing to do with me.”

“No.” I grasped her hand tighter in mine. “No, that’s not why.” I leaned closer so I had all her focus. “Dustin Tweedie is a mercurial, selfish, self-absorbed artist, Claudia. You were something new to play with for a while, like a new muse… and it suddenly occurred to him that you weren’t just any muse. You were a person who would demand more from him… and unfortunately, I get the feeling he’s limited. He didn’t have anything more to give you. And that’s about him. Not you.”

The tears slipped silently down her cheeks as she nodded. “I love you,” she whispered.

I leaned my forehead against hers, fighting my own tears. “I love you too. You’re my family.”

After a while, Claudia settled her head on my shoulder and the emotional exhaustion of the day pulled her into unconsciousness.

I’d known as I sat there beside her that I would have to work hard over the coming weeks to remind her that she had family, a family she’d made. I didn’t want to lose Claudia to bitterness and rejection.

I wouldn’t let that happen.

When we landed, unfortunately, Claudia wasn’t lying when she said she was done with Beck. Her attitude toward him didn’t sway from ice queen, and a dejected Beck was silent all the way back to our apartments.

Once we got out of the cabs, Jake helped Claudia up the stairs with our luggage and Beck held me back a minute. He had a panicked look in his eyes that unsettled me. “I fucked up, waiting around too long. She’s pissed off at the men in her life and I happen to be one of them.” He pleaded with me with his eyes. “She’ll come around, though, right?” he asked softly.

“Right.” I nodded, hoping my reassurances meant something. “She just needs time.”

He looked up at the apartment. “Maybe she shouldn’t be alone tonight. You know, she’ll just dwell. Bring her to Milk. Everyone will be there.”

“I don’t know.”

“Try.”

“Okay,” I agreed and patted him on the shoulder, pretty sure Claudia and I weren’t going anywhere tonight.

I was only half right. Although Claudia stubbornly refused to remove herself from her bed, she practically screamed at me to go out. I finally cottoned on that she genuinely wanted to be left alone and I ventured out to Milk.

I felt bad leaving her behind, but I knew that if I were in her shoes, I’d probably want to be left alone too. Eventually as the days wore on, Claudia rejoined the world of the living. Jake and I spent a lot of time cajoling her into hanging out with us—even if it meant dodging the studying we were supposed to be doing for our upcoming exams and instead taking day trips to Glasgow or St. Andrews.

And then we convinced her to come hang out with everyone the night before the first of our exams.

“All right.” Denver turned to Rowena with a cocky smile. “What, or should I say whom, are you going to miss most?”

Music played softly in the background of the restaurant on Nicholson Street. We gathered around a large corner table, chatting and drinking after a great meal. Merriment mingled with melancholy. We seemed to have collectively agreed that this might be one of the last nights we all hung out together.

Rowena pretended to muse over the question.

“Oh, come on.” Matt winked at her. “We all know the answer, and it’s in my lap.”

“Whit?” Rowena raised an eyebrow at him. “Chlamydia?”

We laughed and Matt heaved an exasperated sigh, his eyes begging us not to mock him tonight.

“You walked into that one. You’ll find no sympathy here,” Claudia teased.

“Seriously, seriously,” Rowena drew our focus back to her, “I honestly think ah will miss Matt’s atrocious social skills.”

“Thank you!” he said, raising his pint like he’d just been validated.

She snorted and then looked at Jake and me sitting together. “Ah’ll miss the Jake-and-Charley saga. Better than any romance novel.” She lifted her glass to us. “Cheers for the angst, guys.”

I laughed, only somewhat embarrassed that our relationship ups and downs had played out for our friends over the year.

“And,” she smiled, a genuine, almost sad smile now, “ah will miss ma favorite band, The Stolen. Ah wish ye loads eh success, guys. Ye so deserve it.”

“Oh man,” Denver pulled her into his side, “she had to go get all mushy on me. I think I might cry.”

“Shut up.” She pushed at him playfully but stopped struggling when he tugged her close for a long hug.

I felt a little weepy and when I looked over at Claudia, she was wiping tears from the corner of her eyes. She saw me looking and grimaced. “What?” she huffed. “I’m a girl. Sue me.”

“Well, I would say no one would have a chance at suing you with your upcoming fancy law degree,” Lowe nudged her arm with his, smirking, “but it’s not final until you take the LSATs.”

Claudia rolled her eyes. “Don’t remind me. Just let me get through these exams first.” She grinned at me and I was relieved to see the smile was genuine.

This past year had changed my best friend perhaps even more than it had changed me. Although I watched her go through heartbreak, I also watched her come out the other side stronger than before. Claudia started college with me not knowing who she was or what she wanted out of life. I guess… she still wasn’t sure about that. She was still looking. But… she definitely knew what she didn’t want. She didn’t want to be second best and she didn’t know if she wanted to be a lawyer, but she was going to try her hand at it until she found her answer.

Beck was a different story.

While my relationship with Jake had only grown stronger over the last few weeks, my trust in him deepening now that I knew we were facing things together, Claudia and Beck’s friendship disintegrated. I knew from speaking to Jake that Beck tried to be patient and wait out Claudia’s mourning period over the loss of yet another parental figure, but as the days passed and her bitchiness toward him did not soften, Beck’s hurt turned into anger.

Since Claudia’s friendship with Lowe hadn’t changed, it was impossible for Beck and Claud to avoid one another. So now their interactions were antagonistic and a far cry from where they’d started out. Claudia had agreed to go on tour with The Stolen this summer as their manager, so I had no idea how that would work out for them. I had my fingers and toes crossed that somehow, a miracle would happen and they’d both pull their obstinate heads out of their asses.

As for Dustin, Claudia hadn’t heard from him since our departure from Barcelona. It was hard at first, but once I told my parents what happened, they rallied around Claudia. They Skyped Claudia just as much as they did me. The only one who didn’t was Andie. Claudia missed Andie almost as much as I did. But I wasn’t ready to let go of my anger.

My sister hadn’t spoken to me in months. She’d stopped supporting me. I didn’t know how we were going to get over the rift, or if we ever would with Jake in my life. I had no intention of letting go of Jake, and since Andie was the one with the problem with him, I couldn’t see how it would do me any good to take the first step toward mending that fence. It was up to Andie to take the first step. I just hoped I wouldn’t have a long wait on my hands. Or that Claudia would, either. Andie had given Claudia that older sister wisdom, support, and advice she’d always craved. Our argument wasn’t fair to Claud. But she never once complained. Plus, I think Mom, Dad, Jake, and I did a pretty good job helping her out.

The dark in the back of her eyes wasn’t completely gone, and the bitterness she felt still existed through her interactions with Beck, but I knew that Team Redford and Jake helped her mourn and try to move on.

We were obnoxiously persistent that way.

“All right, Rowena told us what she’s going to miss about us, but what are we going to miss about Scotland? Rowena and Maggie, obviously, but what or who else?” Claudia smiled around, her eyes jumping over Beck like he didn’t exist.

I resisted the urge to throw my napkin at her.

“I’m going to miss the accents,” Denver said.

“Ooh, good one.” Claudia nodded. “I’m going to miss Digestive biscuits.”

“Irn Bru,” Lowe named the Scottish soda drink that was surprisingly addictive.

“Milk.” Beck referred to the bar they played all the time.

“Scottish girls with purple hair.” Matt grinned at Rowena.

“Aw, that was kind of sweet.” Claudia looked as surprised as the rest of us.

He shrugged. “I can do sweet. I do know how to tone down all this raw animal magnetism.”

Claudia groaned. “Annnnnddd… he’s back.”

Laughing, Jake relaxed against his seat, his arm across the back of mine. “I’m going to miss,” he shot me a mischievous look, “Arthur’s Seat.”

Chuckling, I nodded. “Yeah, I’m going to miss that too.”

“Well,” Lowe scratched his chin, “I just learned more about Jake and Charley than I wanted to know.”

As everyone laughed, I leaned forward, looking at my friends, memorizing their faces. “I’m going to miss this. Right here.”

We were silent a moment, soaking it in, knowing that there would probably never come a time when we’d all be together again. Making great friends and saying goodbye—it was a bittersweet certainty of college.

My phone blasted in my purse and everyone groaned.

“Way to ruin the moment, Charley,” Lowe grinned, teasing.

I rolled my eyes at them as I pulled out my phone. “It’s my dad, I’ll be a sec.” I answered his call, laughter in my voice, “Hey, Dad, can I call you back, I’m—”

“Charley, something’s happened,” he interrupted, his words so grave, unease rolled up from my stomach.

I stuck my finger in my other ear to block out the noise around me. “What? What happened?”

“You need to come home, Charley. It’s Andie.”

The world narrowed, black shadows creeping in at the edges of my vision and my chest… my chest felt so tight. “Dad?”

“She’s been in an accident. She’s in a coma. You have to come home, Charley. You have to come home.”

“Oh Go—” The black swarmed my vision and I couldn’t breathe.

“Charley?”

“Oh my God, what’s happening?”

“Charley? Charley!”

“Jim, it’s Claudia. What’s going on?”

“Charley, are you okay?”

“Oh God… no… we’ll get her home.”

“Charley?”

“It’s going to be okay. We’re here.”

“Charley…”