Out of the Shallows

5

West Labayelle, September 2013

After Claudia’s “asshole” outburst at The Brewhouse I chased after her. When I caught up to her she was hurrying down the street with the invisible smoke of her fiery rage pouring out of her.

“What happened?” I asked as I shoved her purse at her.

She snatched it off me, her nostrils flaring. “You first,” she snapped.

So I told her what had gone down between Jake and me. The resultant glower of her disapproval was nothing new. “And was he cool with that?”

I shrugged, not knowing what was going on with him. “I think so. It was weird. He wants to be friends.”

“Yeah, because that worked out so great for you last time. He didn’t put up more of a fight?”

“He was angry… but no.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

Face carefully blank, I said, “We’ve both hurt each other. Maybe he gets that we don’t work.”

I received a grunt in response.

“So that asshole thing? What did Beck say?”

She started fuming again. “It’s like he just assumed I was going to fall all over him.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, and I quote, ‘This ignoring me shit? I’m done with it. You made your point but life is short, babe, and I want to spend what time I’ve got with you. I missed you like crazy this summer.’”

I knew it would be wrong of me to say I actually thought that was kind of sweet so I kept my trap shut and listened to her tirade continue.

“And I said ‘until you get bored with me and end up nailing your groupies again.’ And he said, ‘I’m never going to get bored of you.’ Pfft!” she made a face. “So I said ‘Yeah, well, I’m bored of this conversation.’ I told him I didn’t trust him. I told him I want a guy who loves me enough to put his own bullshit aside. I said he blew it.”

“What did he say?” I was almost too afraid to ask. This confrontation between Beck and Claudia had been a long time coming. It didn’t surprise me that it had ended the way it had.

Claudia’s face fell, and her voice lowered as she replied, “He said that he was sorry and he wanted a second chance… a second chance to prove how he felt about me. A second chance to make me feel as special as I am.”

“That all sounds… good?”

“I told him it was all just bullshit words, and I know how good he is at lying to get what he wants.”

“And…?”

“Oh, he was pissed. He said he’d always tried to treat me with care and that I should trust him. I said I didn’t. He said I was being impossible. I said, ‘Screw you, I’m moving on,’ to which he replied, ‘If you actually took a chance and screwed me, babe, the only moving on you’d be doing is with me. Forever.’ So I called him an asshole and got out of there.”

I was silent a moment before peeking at my friend out of the corner of my eye. “You were equally turned on as you were pissed, though, right?”

“So turned on I could kill him,” she snapped. “Arrogant asshole.”

We didn’t say anything else on the subject and two weeks later we still hadn’t discussed it further. We hadn’t talked about any part of that night. I hadn’t heard from Jake and I was trying not to think about that. I threw myself into my work and sometimes it helped. That’s why, while I laid on my stomach in our living room, surrounded by papers and textbooks, I nearly came out of my skin when my phone rang and it was Jake calling.

I could’ve ignored it but without really thinking about it, I answered and closed my eyes at the sound of his deep, rich voice on the other end of the line. He asked me how I was. I said I was fine. Studying a lot. And also that the apartment smelled of homemade soup all the time because Claudia was experimenting in the kitchen.

It was awkward and stilted… and painful… and I was thankful when Claudia got home because I had an excuse to get off the phone.

“I’ve got a date with the TA!” Claudia yelled as she stepped into the apartment.

I heard Jake groan on the other end of the line.

“Claudia’s home,” I said dryly.

“What she said… is that the kind of thing I have to tell Beck?”

“I don’t know. I’m not privy to the bro code.”

“Shit,” Jake muttered and I took that to mean under the bro code, he was obligated to tell Beck what he’d heard.

Claudia appeared in the doorway grinning, her eyes widening at the sight of me. “Oops, sorry, you’re on the phone.”

I smiled at her and said to Jake, “That’s my cue to go, I guess.”

“Wait. I’m, uh… I was actually calling to invite you to Lowe’s birthday party. It’s at the end of this month. We’re in off-campus housing together but Beck has friends at Bobb. One of the halls on campus. They’re letting us throw the party there. It would really mean a lot if you and Claudia would come.”

See him again? So soon? “Uh… I don’t know…”

“You should come. It’ll be—wait. Lowe wants to talk to you.”

I sat up, not knowing what to make of the invite and if I was perhaps reading too much into it to think that this was some kind of plan of Jake’s to get me back.

“Charley,” Lowe’s warm voice sounded in my ear. “You’ve got to come to my party.”

More than a little taken aback he was inviting me after his weirdness in the bar two weekends ago, I said, “Are you sure?”

“Of course. This summer wasn’t the same without you and Claud. Don’t make my birthday suck without you.”

“Let me just ask Claudia.” I covered my phone with my hand and turned to my expectant friend.

“What’s going on?”

“Lowe and Jake are inviting us to Lowe’s birthday party at Northwestern at the end of the month. You in?”

She bit her lip. “Are you?”

I shrugged.

And then, Claudia nodded. “Tell them we’ll be there.”

Feeling nervous at the mere thought of seeing Jake I said, “You sure?”

“Positive.”

I put the phone back to my ear. “We’ll be there.”

“Great. I’ll text you the details. See you then.”

“Bye.”

“Here’s Jake. Bye, Charley.” After some rustling, Jake was back on the phone. “Charley.”

“Hey. I better go, but I guess we’ll see you in a few weeks.”

“Great.” And he did sound like he thought it was great. It felt like a fist was squeezing my heart. “We’ll talk later.”

Yeah, because that’s what friends do and I’m an idiot. “Later.”

Once I’d hung up, I made a face at Claudia. “You think that was wise?”

“You could’ve said no.”

“Well, you could stop making soup,” I growled.

Claudia snorted. “Way to focus your anger elsewhere.” She wrinkled her nose. “It does kind of smell in here, though, huh.” She threw her bag down and collapsed on the couch. “So, Jake’s calling you?”

“Well, I am the idiot who said we could be friends.” I shoved my papers aside. “I just didn’t think he’d actually enforce said friendship.”

“He seems to be dealing with your break up quite well…”

I glared at her. “Yeah? So?”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Right now? I’m thinking I want to throw your soup on you.”

She laughed. “I’m just saying… you seem kind of pissed that he’s doing okay.”

“Not pissed,” I huffed. “Confused. I’m a little hurt it’s not killing him like it’s killing me, okay. I think he’s as upset as I am, but then he acts like he’s not.”

“A bit like what you’re doing?”

My mouth fell open.

Claudia smirked.

I threw a cushion at her. “If I want a rational conversation, I’ll call Alex.”

Chuckling, Claudia got up off the couch and started for the kitchen. “Let’s have soup.”

“Let’s talk about the TA,” I called after her.

She smiled at me over her shoulder. “I found him. He’s a grad student now. So hot. He said yes within an instant of me asking him out. Apparently he wanted to ask me out sophomore year, but he didn’t think I was interested. I have got to get less subtle, Charley.”

“Oh yeah, because you’re a real shrinking violet.”

Two seconds later, an oven glove smacked my head.

“Subtle.” I threw it back in her general direction as I opened up my textbook.

Northwestern University, two weeks later...

Bobb was part of Bobb-McCulloch Halls on the north campus of Northwestern. It was a plain brick building that wouldn’t have been very inviting if not for the stream of students flowing in and out and the far-off beat of music coming from somewhere inside.

“This might not be such a good idea.” I stared nervously at the building.

“We could just go back to the hotel,” Claudia suggested as she stood by my side.

It was amazing how quickly the last few weeks had flown by. I spent my days studying, answering random texts from Jake, talking on the phone to Mom and having one-worded conversations with Dad, and holing myself up in the apartment. Alex would stop by sometimes and ask me to come out for drinks, but I was steadfast on my path to reclusiveness. While I did all this, Claudia studied, ignored phone calls from her parents and Beck, and went on a few dates with Will the TA. Unusually for Claudia, she didn’t talk about the dates and I didn’t ask.

I’d spent the interim weeks between the invitation and the actual party worrying about seeing Jake again and I had no doubt by how quiet Claudia was on the subject that she was anxious about facing Beck. She had major reservations, but I knew she put them aside for me because it was my first time back in Chicago since… well, since everything.

I felt guilty being there for this party when I should’ve been there long ago for a different reason altogether.

I looked at my friend, grateful for her support. “The hotel?”

The guys had invited us to stay at their apartment while we were in the city, but Claudia and I both thought it was safer to get a hotel room.

She smirked at me. “What? We’ve gotten pretty good at running from shit.”

“True. But this we can face up to.”

Once inside we followed the posters directing us toward the party. Not that we needed the posters. The music and kids with plastic cups in their hands were like flashing arrows.

We walked through the corridors in silence, the music growing steadily louder. We passed a couple of open dorm rooms, a few people mingling inside, as we neared the central point of the party.

Gazing into the large common room, I saw a whole bunch of people I didn’t know, drinking and chatting.

I felt Claudia’s hand curl around my wrist and tighten. “You were right,” she said just loud enough for me to hear over The Killers. “Maybe we shouldn’t have come.”

She sounded pained, her eyes locked on something to our left. I followed her gaze.

It took me a moment to register what I was seeing.

And when I finally did, I felt like I was back at that first party in Edinburgh, seeing Jake across the room for the first time in four years.

In the corner, past a group of college girls, was Jake. He was sitting on a table that had been set up with plastic cups of beer and standing in between his legs was a tall, curvy redhead. She had one hand on his shoulder, her other hand clutching a plastic cup, as she grinned down at him. He wasn’t touching her, but their proximity and his body language more than made up for it. I knew he was flirting in the way his dark eyes danced, in the half smile he gave her as they talked.

“Charley?” Claudia gripped my wrist. “We can go, babe.”

It was unfair of me, right? To feel betrayed. To feel the blade of jealousy score across my chest. To feel the burn of his loss in my gut. I only had myself to blame. Six months ago he was mine.

I’d given him away.

“Oh shit,” Claudia said, “it just got worse.”

I blinked, tugging my eyes from the car crash that was my relationship with Jake, only to find my focus zeroing in on the beautiful brunette walking toward me.

Melissa.

Yup. It just got worse.

I flinched at the sympathy in her eyes as she came to a stop before us. “Claudia, Charley.” She gave us a pinched smile.

“Hey,” Claudia answered, her tone wary.

I gave Melissa a nod, not sure I was able to speak past the burning lump in my throat. It took everything within me not to look over Melissa’s shoulder at Jake and the redhead.

Melissa looked over her shoulder for me. When she looked back at me, her expression was unreadable. “Jake told me you guys broke up.”

Another score across my chest. I only just stopped myself from touching it, to see if there was an actual wound.

Jake was friends with his ex? He was confiding in her? Since when?

Her eyes softened, like she’d caught something in my expression that tugged at her compassion.

I quickly wiped my face clean of emotion.

“This is just what he does,” she said, gesturing behind her. “When he’s hurting. Specifically when he’s hurting over you.”

Why was she telling me this? What did she expect me to say? That I was sorry Jake turned into an assholey manwhore when his heart was broken?

So I didn’t say anything at all.

Melissa shifted uncomfortably. “Just try not to be too pissed at him. He really loved you.”

He really loved me? Loved.

By some strength of will, I didn’t let her know that hearing those words was like taking a bullet.

“Why do you care?” Claudia suddenly stepped toward her, her eyes glittering with suspicion. “He dumped you for Charley, so why would you give a crap about him or Charley?”

Melissa shrugged. “Time heals, I guess. And I don’t care about Charley. I care about Jake.”

The uncharitable thought that perhaps Melissa was hoping history was about to repeat itself raced across my mind. Maybe she thought Jake would whore around for a while and then end up running back to her.

Apparently that occurred to Claudia. “He’ll never care about you the way he cares about her, so do yourself a favor and get over it.”

Jake’s ex looked like she’d been punched. She stared at Claudia incredulously before looking to me for help. All I could do was stare back at her, stunned Claudia had enough bitch in her to say that. Melissa shook her head and wandered back into the crowd.

“You do realize I’m to blame for her heartbreak,” I said to Claudia.

“Yeah? Well, that right there wasn’t her being nice, Charley. That was her kicking you when you were down. Oh look, Charley catches her ex-boyfriend flirting with another girl and is obviously gutted by it. Why don’t I stick another knife in her by telling her Jake is my friend again and I clearly have plans to go after him once he’s done sampling the redhead.”

I smirked sadly at her. “I don’t even need to tap into my rage. I’ve got you to do that for me.”

“Well, ye-uh,” Claudia said, still looking agitated.

“Claudia.” I grabbed her hand. “I’ve got no right to be mad at him.” Right?

My friend’s eyes misted over. “It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt you.”

I blinked at the rush of tears heading straight for my own eyes and turned around so I had my back to the room and to Jake. “It’s self-inflicted. Doesn’t count.”

She sighed but let it go.

“Guys, you made it!”

Looking over my shoulder, I saw Lowe grinning broadly as he made his way across the room. I was immediately enfolded in his hug and I found my arms tightening around him without even meaning to. Tears stung my nose. “Happy birthday.”

His own arms tightened and when he pulled back, he searched my face in concern. “Babe,” he murmured.

Not wanting to make his birthday about Jake and me, I forced out a smile and stepped back to let Claudia greet him.

“Happy birthday, Lowe,” she chirped a little too cheerily as she hugged him. “Great party!” She looked across the room where a beer pong table had been set up. “Oh, I see Matt.” Sure enough Matt lounged against the wall, talking to some chick with his eyes glued to the table. Way to show your interest, Matt. “Why don’t you take Charley to get a drink while I go say hi.”

Lowe frowned as he watched her walk away and then I saw him stiffen when he caught sight of Jake across the room, still flirting with the redhead. Lowe looked back at me and I did my best to keep my face blank. I got the impression he wasn’t buying what I was selling. “Let’s get you that drink.”

I grabbed hold of the hand he held out. He led me into one of the quieter dorm rooms.

“Beck’s friends with three of the guys that room here. They opened their dorm rooms to us for the party.” He grinned over his shoulder at me as he led me toward a desk littered with beer. “How he talked them into that, I have no idea.”

“Here.” I held out a small gift-wrapped box.

His eyes lit up as he took it. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

I shrugged. “It’s just a little thing.”

“A wee thing, Row would say.”

I flinched at the mention of our Scottish friend Rowena. “I haven’t spoken to her at all since I left Edinburgh.” Another thing to feel guilty about. “Have you guys?”

He nodded as he unwrapped the box. “She actually joined us for a couple of weeks this summer. She’s fine. And she gets that you’ve got a lot going on.”

“Still, I’ll email her when I get back to Purdue.”

Lowe opened the box and lifted out the small item inside. He turned it over and his eyes flew to mine.

“I saw it and thought of you.” I gestured to the guitar pick in his hand, my eyes on the words written across it: Play It Fucking Loud.

“Bob Dylan,” he answered quietly. “You remembered.”

Back in Edinburgh, back when I was with Jake, back when everything was good, we’d all sat around the kitchen one afternoon, talking about everything and nothing. We’d gotten onto the subject of favorite quotes, and Lowe had talked about the reported incident when Bob Dylan was playing in Manchester and someone in the crowd called him “Judas” for playing electric guitar. In response Dylan told his band to “play it fucking loud.” Lowe said he got it—Dylan’s anger, yeah, but mostly his conviction in himself and his music.

“Girls remember shit.” I shrugged it off.

Lowe surprised me by cupping my cheek and leaning into me. My breath stuttered and warning bells chimed in my head. “You make it really difficult, you know that,” he said softly, his eyes on my mouth.

“Lowe…”

His gaze flicked to my eyes. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I whispered.

He dropped his hand and took a step back. For a second or two he just stared at the pick before pulling his wallet out and sliding the pick safely inside. Once he tucked the wallet away, he handed me a beer.

“I’ve got to admit, I’ve been kind of pissed at you.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the comment, but still, I was taken aback by how much I didn’t like that Lowe had been angry with me.

“The way you treated Jake…”

“It was bad, I know.” I took a sip of my drink. “I told him sorry. I don’t know how else to apologize. I handled everything… well, I didn’t handle it. I let it all just crumple around me.”

Lowe sighed. “I’ve got to ask… I was there. When you walked in and saw Jake with that sophomore just now… I saw your face, Charley.”

My eyes flew to him. “So?”

“Well, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Obviously breaking up was the right thing to do.”

“Charley, I know you’re lying.”

“I can’t be with him. Okay? Simple as that,” I hissed, all the hurt pouring out of me. “It doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. Or that I don’t care. So yeah… you saw my face when I saw my ex-boyfriend clearly getting ready to bed down with a leggy redhead. Did I look like I’d been slapped? Because that’s how I felt just then. Now… not so much. See, I can move on, knowing how easily it is for him to be a typical guy and start fucking his way through the sorority houses, if he hasn’t already.”

Lowe looked suddenly panicked. “Charley, that’s not what’s happening here. Just talk to Jake—”

“No, I’m done. I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” I took a shuddering breath, trying to calm my throbbing pulse. “Let’s just go enjoy the party.”

He didn’t look so sure.

“C’mon.” I started heading to the door with my beer. “You can introduce me to people I won’t remember in the morning.”