Out of the Shallows

18

Chicago December 2013

There was a possibility I was going to upchuck all over my sister and Rick’s front stoop. It felt like one minute I’d been in San Francisco and the next I was in Beverly ready to face the firing squad.

It wasn’t a minute but it was only eight hours.

What Jake had said to me in the SUV was absolutely right. I’d known it was right for over five months but after my first semester in Edinburgh, I thought I finally had a grasp on who I was and where I was going. So to suddenly find myself lost was overwhelming. I hadn’t handled the uncertainty of what lay ahead for me. I’d let myself be changed by the cracks in what had always been a strong family bond and rather than face those changes, I’d run from them and all the reasons for their existence.

Perhaps if I’d confided in Jake sooner, I would’ve ended up on Andie’s doorstep months ago. Or perhaps I needed the time and distance from all the players in my story to find my way back to them. I guess I’d never know. And I knew I’d never know if Andie and I could find our way back if I didn’t knock on her door.

Claudia and Beck had been really understanding. Beck was coping with his own issues and I didn’t want to take anything away from that. The road trip was about him and I needed to let the three of them go so they could help him work that out. I was going to call my parents and ask them to book me a flight to Chicago from San Francisco, but Claudia insisted on using her parents’ credit card. I tried to say no. Our road trip had been funded by that credit card and I didn’t want to take advantage. Claudia said it was the only thing her parents were good for, so in the end, that—and my desire to hold onto my courage while I still had it—was the reason I accepted her help.

I got a taxi to the airport, leaving the three of them at the beach.

I couldn’t bear to say to goodbye to Jake in the airport… I didn’t know when or if I’d ever say hello to him again. We shared a look before I got in the taxi, his so hopeful and mine filled with regret. I’d treated him terribly these last few months and yet it hadn’t stopped him from trying to save me.

Suddenly my sister’s door flew open and there she was.

Beautiful and fresh-faced, Andie was standing upright and she looked healthy. Her expression, however, was blank. “Were you planning on knocking or are you holding out for a career as a porch ornament?”

Feeling breathless, I whispered, “Funny.”

Andie stood back from the doorway and made a gesture for me to come inside. “You’re only seven months late.”

I flinched but somehow managed to meet her eyes as I stepped inside her home for the first time since her accident. She shut the door and I waited for her to make the next move. The fact that I felt like a complete stranger in her house made me even more nauseated than before. Panic held me to the spot.

Andie eyed me for a second. Whatever she saw made the flatness in her eyes disappear. Concern shone through. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “It doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.

After a moment of intense scrutiny, Andie nodded. “I know. Come on.” She walked through her spacious entry hall and into the living room. “Rick’s at work.”

“Probably a good thing,” I muttered.

“Why’s that?” She flopped down into the armchair and I realized my parents’ reports on her recovery were true, and I’d missed all her hard work.

I shrugged as I lowered myself onto her couch. “I’m guessing he’s not too happy with me right now.”

Instead of yay or naying my suspicions, Andie just stared at me.

Forcing the nausea aside and trying to find the me who wouldn’t be intimidated, I kept my gaze steady on hers. “How have you been? How has the recovery been?”

“My recovery has been fine. I missed my own graduation and I was worried for a while that the job I had waiting for me was in jeopardy, but it all worked out.” She shrugged, barely giving me any emotion.

I narrowed my eyes. “Are you just telling me what you’ve been telling everyone else?”

“Well, what do you want to hear, Charley?” She narrowed her eyes right back at me. “That waking up from a fourteen-day coma was petrifying? That I had nightmares for months? That my fiancé worries every time I step outside the door? That I’ve developed a fear of yellow cabs? That I had to be emotionally and mentally evaluated and cleared before they’d let me start work? That all of this pales in comparison to the fact that nine months ago, my little sister stopped talking to me and I feel like I’ve been missing an arm ever since?”

I held her stare and let her anger and hurt flood into me like a tsunami. She deserved the chance to let me have it and I believed I deserved to take it.

“So are you going to say anything ever again?” Andie asked patiently. She glanced at the clock on the mantel above her fireplace. “It’s been ten minutes.”

I eased back against her sofa. “I’m trying to put the right words together to apologize but I can’t. There are no right words. I’m sorry we argued. I’m sorry I chose Jake over you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you for weeks. And I am beyond sorry that I couldn’t get unstuck from the quagmire I’ve found myself in since Jake… and everything… I’m sorry I didn’t get unstuck and brave and face you. I’m sorry I didn’t help you get through this.”

Andie placed coffee on the table in front of me before sitting back down on the armchair, her own mug clasped in her hands. She curled her feet underneath her and took a sip.

I waited for her to say something.

I’d been waiting for twenty minutes.

“Are you going to say anything now?”

She cocked her head to the side to study me. “What would you like me to say?”

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“You’re lying.”

I almost rolled my eyes. She was using her therapist voice. I refrained and nodded. “Okay, I admit it. I want you to forgive me.”

Time seemed to move slowly as I waited for Andie’s reply. She made me wait while she sipped her coffee until there was nothing left to sip. I waited while she leaned forward to place her empty mug on the table before slowly sitting back.

“Does this lengthy silence mean it’s irreparable?”

Andie’s expression turned curious at the question. “What’s irreparable?”

“The damage I’ve done to this family.”

She was silent so long, I feared we were about to sit through another twenty minutes of torturous quiet, but then her expression turned pained. “I knew it. I hoped I was wrong, but I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“That the reason it’s taken you this long to turn up on my doorstep is because you’ve taken on the blame for this whole thing.”

Shocked, I said, “Don’t you blame me for this whole thing?”

Instead of answering my question, Andie leaned forward. “Is it true you took the LSATs? That you’re going to law school?”

I wasn’t there to discuss my future career. I was there to mend our relationship. “Andie—”

She held up a hand, cutting me off. “Law school?”

I sighed and reluctantly nodded. “Yes. Law school.”

“Last time we spoke, you’d decided to pursue the police academy. I want to know what changed.”

“Why are we talking about this?”

Andie raised an eyebrow at me. “Because it’s important.”

“An answer any time now would be good.”

I didn’t want to talk about my career or anything that wasn’t about Andie and repairing our relationship. This time was supposed to be about her. But I’d been sitting there for ten minutes trying to dodge the question.

I heaved another sigh. “I would think it was obvious.” When she made no reply, I continued, “Andie, you didn’t see what your accident did to Mom and Dad. They held it together but barely. They nearly lost you and it took its toll. It made them… fragile, vulnerable in a way I didn’t expect, in a way that scared me. I don’t ever want to put them through something like that again. You don’t know how relieved they were when I told them I wouldn’t pursue a career as a cop.”

I could tell by the look in her eyes that my sister understood, but there was something else there too. “And what about you? What about what you want? What about your happiness?”

“I’m not doing this out of martyrdom. I don’t want them to have to go through that again. I wanted to be a cop. But I need my family to be okay more. I’m compromising.” I leaned forward, hoping she could see the sincerity in my eyes. “It was hard to make that decision. And yes, I feel a little lost right now, but I don’t regret giving Mom and Dad peace of mind. Careers… they come and go, right? It’s the people in our lives who are important. So I’m okay with this decision.”

After a few moments, Andie nodded. “Okay.”

“I felt lost for a while after the accident,” Andie spoke up, breaking the silence.

I waited for her to elaborate.

“You said you feel lost.” She explained, “I’m just saying, I get it. Everything felt different after the accident. Mom and Dad were different. Even Rick. And you… you weren’t there at all. Was part of that because you feel lost?”

I nodded. “You’re a part of me. Like a limb. Like lungs. To be me, truly me, I need you in my life. It’s always going to be hard for me to find myself if you’re not in my life.” Emotion clawed at my chest. “I couldn’t move past the guilt and it changed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”

“I was mad at you,” she said. “Like I mentioned before, when I was in recovery, I was pretty scared. I’ve never been scared like that and that’s partly because I’ve always had this brave little sister in my life who somehow managed to make me feel safe.” She glanced away and I caught the shimmer in her eyes. “I was lost too and I was mad at you.”

I looked at my hands, trying to find the right words. “I don’t know how to make sense of why. I can try to explain…”

“I’m listening,” she prompted.

My stomach flipped as it all rushed me, all the reasons my life had spiraled out of control these last few months. It all tumbled out of my mouth, just like it had done with Jake. “I felt like I was being punished. Your accident, I felt like it was punishment for the way I treated you, for putting Jake before you. The guilt was just…” I sucked it up and for the next twenty minutes, I told her everything I’d confessed to Jake. My terror that Andie would die. My guilt, my bargain with God, the resentment, and then the paralysis when she woke up.

Andie was quiet for a while, scrutinizing me in that inner psychiatrist way of hers. She was so quiet, I was afraid I’d mucked up the explanation.

But then she said, “I stopped being mad at you pretty quickly during my recovery. I went back to worrying like I had been for the months we didn’t talk. Especially after Rick and Mom and Dad told me you were by my side more than anyone when I was in the coma. It hurt that you didn’t come around for my recovery or after, but I forgive you for that, Charley. I forgave you months ago.”

Once the little niggle of resentment I’d been feeling over Andie’s confession was swamped by the relief that she’d forgiven me, I asked calmly, “If you forgave me, why didn’t you come to see me?”

Andie gave me her I’m smarter than you look that always drove me crazy. “Because of who you are. Everything you just told me, with the exception of your pact with God, I already guessed. Mom and Dad told me about law school and I knew that this whole thing had to be impacted by that. I know you better than anyone, maybe even better than you know yourself. And I knew that if I made the first move, you’d hold on to your guilt until your fingers bled. You needed to be the one to push past it, to be brave like always, and come to me first. It was the only way you’d feel okay about yourself.”

I shook my head. “You say you forgive me, but we both know I still should’ve been here.”

“How could you have been? You were in another country.”

“I wasn’t even here emotionally, though,” I insisted, a part of me needing her to be mad at me to substantiate my own self-reproach.

“Charley, why do you always need to save people? Who you are is going to crush you unless you learn to ease up on yourself. You can’t control fate. You can’t save everyone.”

“But I shouldn’t have put Jake before you. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. Surely you agree I’m to blame for that?”

“No, I don’t.” Andie shook her head stubbornly. “About two weeks after that telephone conversation, Rick and I got into a big argument about it. I’d been snapping at him for every little thing because I was pissed at you. Finally he’d had enough and told me that I was partly to blame for my argument with you.” She laughed softly. “And you know that pissed me off even more because I knew he was right.” Andie leaned forward, her expression sincere. “Charley, I should never have put you in that position. I was living in the past. I was scared Jake was going to hurt you like he did before. When he left last time, I came back to this kid who wasn’t my sister and it scared me shitless. And not just for you but selfishly for me, too. I’ve always needed you to be strong and brave, and when Jake left you, I suddenly realized you were mortal, just like the rest of us.”

Stunned, my voice was husky with emotion. “I never knew you felt that way.”

“Because it sounds silly. I’m a grown-up. We’re supposed to stop hero-worshipping and putting people up on pedestals after the age of ten. But you bounced back from Jake, and yeah, you were different, but you were strong still and you were my sister again. I just didn’t want to lose that. So I pushed my opinion on you and I let Dad’s overprotectiveness about the whole thing fuel my opinion and somewhere along the line, I forgot to trust you. Our argument was my fault. You shouldn’t have handled it the way you did but I shouldn’t have tried to make you choose between the people you love. It put you in an impossible position, Charley. I told Dad that too.” She smiled. “I think he may even have listened. So if Jake is the guy for you, I promise I’ll support you on it. I promise I’ll trust you.”

I blinked rapidly against the tears. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“Of course it matters. You just told me how you treated the guy these last few months and still he was there for you—he helped get you here. For that alone, I’m willing to give this kid another shot.”

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? I promised God I wouldn’t be with Jake if He saved you.”

Andie reached for my hand and I squeezed hers in return, so grateful for her forgiveness. “This irrational fear of yours that if you break your pact with God something bad will happen to me, it’s not uncommon. I read about these kinds of fears in my research. Men who lose their fathers at a young age often have a crippling belief that they themselves won’t live past the age their fathers were when they died. People who offer to sacrifice something to God if He’ll save a loved one is a common occurrence. When the loved one lives, the person often believes that God held up His side of the bargain. They then sacrifice what they promised for fear of reprisal. These kinds of beliefs and fears seem beyond irrational to other people, but they can take such a strong foothold that people make choices around it that they shouldn’t.” Her grip on me tightened. “You stopped going to church when you were old enough to decide whether you had faith in God or faith in the people around you. You told me that for now, you’d stick with people because they had proven themselves to you and so far God hadn’t. Listen to me when I tell you that I woke up from that coma because I wasn’t finished here.” Her eyes shone bright with tears. “I need you to have faith in that, and not in some deal you made with a deity I’m not even sure you really believe in.”

I brushed at the tears falling beyond my control. “I don’t know if it’s that easy. These last few months without you have been the hardest of my life, and now I’m just terrified of losing you.”

“Getting through that fear… it’s not going to happen overnight, Supergirl. This is the first time we’ve talked in months. It’s going to take time. But we’re going to make time.” She moved and wrapped her arms around me. I hugged my sister tight. “You’ll find yourself.”

“What if I can’t get back to who I was?” I whispered.

“You won’t because it’s not about going back. It was never about going back. It was about doing something, anything, but standing still. You did that. You came to me even though you were petrified of the outcome. So now… it’s about moving forward and growing up.” She kissed my forehead. “It sucks at first, but it gets better.”