Out of the Shallows

19

Chicago February 2014

“So I talked with my Mom and Dad about careers.”

Dr. Bremner gave me a nod of encouragement. “And?”

“It went well, actually. We compromised. I study law next fall. When I graduate, we’ll talk about the police academy again and whether they’re comfortable with the idea.”

After finally getting up the nerve to face my sister, I went home to Lanton with Andie for the weekend. I swear to God the distance between my dad and me melted as soon as I walked in the door with my sister at my side. He hugged us tight, relief and pride back in his eyes. Mom was much the same. As a family we sat down and talked everything through with honesty and as much calm as we could muster.

It wasn’t all tied up neatly in a bow. Andie had forgiven me but she was still mad it had taken me so long to come check on her. And she had every right to be angry. I was still a little pissed at my dad for the way he’d treated me and after I explained everything I’d been going through, he and Mom had guilty looks on their faces. Especially when Andie told them it was Jake who’d helped me work it out. I’d tried to tell my dad at his auto shop that day, and although it made him ease up on me, he hadn’t gone out of his way to help me work it out. He expected me to do it alone because that’s who he thought I was. That’s who I thought I was too.

But over the last few months, Andie and Dr. Bremner, her colleague, had shown me that it didn’t make me weak to ask for help from friends and family. It didn’t make me any less of a person.

Andie had talked me into seeing a psychiatrist because she thought it would help me organize my thoughts and realize what it was I wanted out of life. Dr. Bremner and I were taking it step by step and had spent time talking about my career. She didn’t just take my word at face value—she wanted me to dig deep so I’d know for sure if giving up the academy was something I could live with in the long run. I was willing to do what it took to give my family peace of mind, but I also wanted a career that would make me feel less powerless. Because Andie was right in the end. I had a crazy savior complex and it needed an outlet.

I passed the LSATs with flying colors and was accepted into law school at the University of Chicago. A few weeks ago Andie invited me to stay with her and Rick for the weekend and they had Rick’s friend over for dinner. He was a public defender. He didn’t make the kind of money I’m sure my parents would want me to make after paying for such an expensive education, but this guy was so passionate about his job, that aspect of it didn’t bother me. He said it came with good and bad. It was hard to defend people who were guilty of heinous crimes no matter if you were a public defender or working for a private law firm, but it was balanced by the fact that he got to help people in impossible situations and maybe give them a second chance.

It was another viewpoint I hadn’t considered.

And that’s when I really started to think. The smart plan for me was to get a law degree, do the internships, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was three years away, and anything could happen in three years. However, I was also not quite ready to give up on the idea of the academy.

So Andie had accompanied me for moral support last weekend while I discussed the possibility with my parents. They still felt uneasy about it but agreed that they wouldn’t know how they’d feel about it in three years’ time, either, and we could talk about it then.

“How do you feel about that?” Dr. Bremner said. “Does the uncertainty make you uneasy?”

“Not anymore. I’m learning patience.”

She smiled. “Good.” Her eyes flicked to the clock. “That’s time.”

I stood up. “I’ll see you in a few weeks?”

“In a few weeks,” she agreed. “Perhaps we can finally talk about Jake.”

My breath whooshed out of me at the thought. “Okay,” I said quietly.

I felt a little off balance as I wandered down the hall to my sister’s office. The light outside her door wasn’t on, which meant she didn’t have a patient.

She sat behind her desk in the corner of the room, her back to the floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the Streeterville area of Chicago. Her office was cozy and comfortable compared to Dr. Bremner’s clinical one. Andie had a fat, comfy fabric sofa for her clients while Bremner had a black leather chaise that squeaked with the slightest movement.

My eyes strayed to the framed quote behind Andie’s desk.

It sucks at first. But it gets better.

I thought the words she’d said to me all those weeks ago were so fitting for her job that I’d had them printed on thick white paper in embossed dark gold and framed for her office. I wasn’t sure if she’d actually hang it, but it went up right away. She said it was the first thing her clients saw upon entering, and most thought it funny.

“That time already?” Andie said, looking up from her laptop.

“Yup. You ready?”

“Give me two minutes.”

I visited Chicago every three weeks to talk to Bremner and afterwards, Andie drove us to Lanton to spend the weekend with our parents. It wasn’t a permanent thing but I think we both felt we needed to do it to return our family to some kind of normality.

We arrived in Lanton a few hours later and walked into our parents’ house, greeted by the magical aroma of brisket and steamed veggies.

Sitting at dinner, I noted that the grim quality in my father’s eyes was gone now. There was still something weighty in his expression and I don’t think that would ever go away. He’d come close to losing a kid and I think he and Mom would carry that with them always. But they were both doing so much better, and Mom no longer visited the cemetery to find understanding from her dead mother. I saw that as a plus.

“I’m sorry Claudia had to cancel this weekend,” Mom said after passing around the broccoli.

I almost sniggered at the thought of my love-struck friend. “Well, Beck’s band is playing a popular bar in Evanston and she likes to be at his gigs to keep the groupies away. They’re starting to really make a name for themselves in Chicago.”

Dad frowned. “If they hit it big, she’ll have to learn to deal with that. She better think on it carefully—I don’t want her to get hurt.”

I felt warmth in my chest over my dad’s concern for my best friend. Her parents were never going to provide that for her, but I was glad she had a good substitute. “She has. It makes her uncomfortable, but she’s willing to deal with it for Beck.” I snorted. “He told her she had nothing to worry about. He convinced her with his usual hard-to-say-no-to charm.”

Dad shook his head, smirking. “He should teach that stuff.”

My dad liked Beck. He’d gotten to know him a little when they joined my family for Christmas. Dad liked the way he was with Claudia and was just as susceptible to his easy charm as everybody else was. But it was more than that. The death of his father had made Beck a little grave. He seemed to have an understanding of what was important and how little time we have to appreciate it. An air of maturity floated around Beck that hadn’t been there before, and my dad liked it.

I chuckled. “He’s only speaking the truth. It’s hard to compete with someone like Claudia.”

“Yeah, but if they get famous, they’ll get the crazy girls who don’t care how beautiful a rocker’s girlfriend is or how much in love with her he is. They’ll do anything to get in his pants,” Andie warned.

“I know. And Claudia knows that. But she trusts Beck and so do I.”

And that was a good thing now that he and Claud were a package deal. They alternated weekends at each other’s apartment, so I saw quite a bit of him. When Claudia was in Chicago for the weekend, I hung out with Alex and friends from college.

I didn’t hang out with the rest of The Stolen. For obvious reasons.

I talked to Lowe on the phone occasionally and caught up with the guys’ antics through him and Beck. And also through Jake.

Jake and I emailed one another now. We hadn’t spoken on the phone and we hadn’t seen each other since San Francisco, but we hadn’t completely let go of one another yet, either.

It started with me. I knew I wasn’t ready to deal with our relationship or lack thereof, but I also didn’t want us to be strangers. So I sent him an email, telling him about my reconciliation with Andie and asking him about the rest of the road trip.

And so we became pen pals. I received and sent an email once a week, and I looked forward to Jake’s email like I was waiting on a million-dollar check to arrive. I even sent him a birthday present last month. It was an imported seven-inch red vinyl of Pearl Jam’s “Daughter.” I thought it would look cool on his wall, and Jake seemed to agree when he emailed to thank me.

I wish I could’ve seen his face when he opened it.

“Your mom and I were thinking it might be nice to rent a place in Grand Haven this summer. Thought the five of us could spend a long weekend up there.”

Andie grinned. “Sounds good, Dad. Just let me know what dates so I can schedule it, and so Rick can get time off.”

Dad turned to me. “Charley?”

“I’m there, definitely.”

Pleased, he nodded and returned to his brisket.

I felt Mom’s eyes on me and I looked up to meet her gaze. She gave me a small smile that I wasn’t quite sure I understood. It didn’t matter what it meant. There was peace in it and comfort in the air around us—not an ounce of brittle tension to be found.

I was finally getting my family back.

My phone had vibrated in my pocket over an hour ago, but I hadn’t wanted to be rude and bail on my family to check my email. I waited impatiently until Andie called it a night and I quickly did the same. Once in my old room, I shut the door and hurried to my laptop.

The email from Jake was waiting in my inbox.

I felt a flutter of nerves in my belly as I sank into my desk chair and clicked the mail open.

Charley,

My mom asked me home for dinner tonight. Sounds innocent enough, huh? Well, let me tell you it wasn’t. I expected a home-cooked meal and watching sports with my dad. Instead I walked in on my little brother having sex with his shy little librarian.

I’m scarred for life.

Let’s just say shy librarian has a kinky side and I now know more about my brother’s sex life than anyone should ever know, let alone a blood relative. I went back to my apartment as quickly as possible to try to rid myself of the image. I think if I return to therapy sessions, I’ll somehow get back on track with my life.

Speaking of, I got accepted into the University of Chicago graduate school for molecular engineering. The parents are very proud. I’m crapping myself. The guys are finished with school after graduation, and I’m going to continue to be a student for the next however many years. I still feel like I’m deliberately prolonging the inevitability of adulthood. Knowing you’ll be going to law school makes me feel better about it, though.

On that subject… are you ever going to tell me which schools you got accepted into? Are you deserting the Midwest for Stanford like you said you probably would?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

It’s going to be weird next year without the guys. I know they’ll be there, but they’ll be doing their band stuff and whatever manual labor they can find until the day they hopefully get signed. Our worlds are going to be different. All of our worlds are, I guess. I didn’t realize how much I depended on them. Don’t tell them that, though. Matt gets clingy when you show him too much affection.

Claudia is here at the apartment. She said you’re home with your parents this weekend. That’s good. I take it that’s good, right? You, Andie, and your folks are finally back to normal? Claudia seems a whole lot less worried about you and you sound better in your emails, so I’m guessing things are starting to pull together for you. I’m glad to hear it. I know what it’s like to be where you are and it’s not great. But you’re strong, Charley. I knew you’d get through it.

As for Claudia, it’s cool to see how much she’s changed since Barcelona. I thought we’d fucked up majorly taking her to meet that dick, but it’s all turned out okay. Beck’s crazy about her. It’s a little unsettling but I’m learning to live with it since Claud’s happy and deserves to be. Although I would like it if she’d stop making soup. Our apartment reeks. Maybe you could casually mention it to her for me?

I gotta go now. Denver’s yelling at me to get my ass out the door to some party. Have a nice weekend with your folks.

Talk soon.

Jake

I stared at the screen, feeling a whole bunch of emotions I wasn’t sure I had any right to feel. Jake’s emails always made me laugh and this time was no exception. Yet there was panic upon hearing we’d both be at U of C next fall. There was the stupid jealousy I felt over the fact that Claudia got to spend time with him when I didn’t. There was anxiety over him going to a party and possibly meeting someone. That question plagued me all the time. I didn’t know if he was seeing anybody. I didn’t know if he’d meant it when he told me that he’d wait for me. All I knew was that as much as I loved reading his emails, they also kind of devastated me. He never flirted. He never alluded to his feelings, our broken relationship, or if there was a future for us. So I didn’t, either.

That emotional distance was crippling.

Yet I couldn’t give up those emails. While I floated in limbo over Jake, those emails kept me tethered to him.

West Labayelle, March 2014

The Brewhouse was packed, bodies crammed together at the bar, around tables, but mostly around the stage. And most of those bodies were girls.

A friend of Denver’s worked at WCCR, the college radio station here at Purdue, and he’d gotten The Stolen some serious air play over the last few weeks running up to their gig at The Brewhouse. Claudia and I pinned posters of the band everywhere. All the marketing seemed to have paid off.

I smirked as a girl tried to grab Lowe’s leg and he somehow managed to avoid contact while wearing a wickedly sweet smile that placated her. I shot a look at Claudia and was surprised to see she looked calm about the girls panting over the band and over her boyfriend.

It might have had something to do with the fact that Beck didn’t look at any of those girls. He either watched Claudia or was too lost in the music to be focused on anyone else.

Alex, Sharon, and Claudia were trying to talk—shout—over the music, but I’d given up on conversation. I wasn’t in a chatty mood anyway and hadn’t been since receiving Jake’s email two days ago.

Charley,

I know the guys are playing Purdue this weekend but I wanted to let you know I won’t make it. It’s my mom’s birthday that weekend and Dad’s got this whole big dinner thing planned.

Have a great time.

Jake

Up until the email, I’d been worried sick about Jake appearing because I wasn’t sure how I would cope. I knew that I loved him, but I still wasn’t sure we were in the right place to start our relationship up again, so I didn’t want to see him. I knew seeing him would rip open the longing inside me and maybe cause me to act rashly.

Now that he wasn’t coming, I was worried. His emails were getting shorter and if possible, even more emotionally distant.

I was losing him.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. He’d been more than patient and I had been more than confusing.

Claudia nudged my side and I glanced at her. “You okay?” she shouted over the music.

“I’m fine,” I mouthed and turned back to look at the stage, feeling her concerned stare burning into the side of my face.

When the guys finished their set, I was relieved—not because I didn’t love listening to them play, I did, but because hanging out with them usually took my mind off other things. Such as Jake’s absence.

The guys managed to magically finagle a table once they’d gotten past most of the flushed, bothered girls trying to cram their numbers in the guys’ pockets. Even when we all sat down, girls hovered nearby, watching them all. Beck pulled Claudia down onto his lap and she willingly sat there for him because she was his human shield against obnoxious girls.

Lowe smirked at the maneuver before he quirked a questioning eyebrow in my direction.

I shook my head. “Don’t even think about.”

“I have a very nice lap.” He pouted and his lip ring stuck out comically.

With laughter in my voice, I said, “Tempting, but I’ll pass.”

“Will you at least help me get the drinks?” He nodded his head toward the bar and I stood in answer.

We weaved our way through the crowd, getting stopped by guys and girls who wanted to congratulate Lowe and tell him how much they enjoyed the show.

“Wow,” I said as we moved into the crowd around the bar. “You’re, like, famous.”

He gave me a droll look. “Just catching on.”

I punched him playfully. “I’m serious. You guys are doing well. Paid gigs, airplay…”

Lowe gave me a shy grin. “Yeah, things are starting to get serious. People actually know us back in Chicago. It’s surreal but it’s good. We’ve got a meeting with a small label next week. I don’t think we’re going to take an offer, but we want to talk, get experience with that stuff, show our interest in moving forward with the band.”

My eyes rounded at the news. “Lowe, that’s amazing. You guys deserve it.”

I felt his arm slide around my waist and he gave me a friendly half hug. “Thank you.” He ducked his head, bringing it close to mine. “It’s good to see you, Redford. We’ve all missed you.”

“I’ve missed you guys too.” I smiled a little sadly and he caught it and gave me another squeeze.

Unable to stop myself, I said, “How’s Jake?”

Lowe’s eyebrows drew together. “I thought you guys were emailing.”

“We are.” I shrugged. “But we don’t really talk about anything real anymore. I just…” My heart pounded so hard in my chest, I felt it in my throat. The nausea quickly followed. “Is he seeing someone?”

Lowe instantly stiffened with discomfort.

“Oh my God.” I looked away, feeling panic claw at my insides.

“No, not oh my God.” Lowe tugged on my waist to draw my eyes back to his. Sincerity shone through them as he said, “He’s not seeing anyone. I just don’t think it’s my place to talk about this stuff.”

“I know. It’s just Beck and Claudia refuse to talk about it, and I wanted to know if he’s moved on. If he’s sleeping with other girls.”

Studying me for a moment, taking in my pleading eyes with a huff of annoyance, Lowe replied, “I can’t not give in to you.” He shook his head in consternation. “This is how Jake must feel all the time.”

“Well?”

“Truth? Jake has girls come on to him. Does he go home with any of them? No.”

Relief whooshed through me. “Really?”

His expression suddenly turned disapproving. “He knows what it’s like to have you in his bed. Nothing else measures up right now because he still loves you. I feel bad for the guy. I’m also confused as fuck because I look at you and I know how crushed you’d be if you found out he was with some other girl. I look at you and I know you love Jake. What I can’t understand is why you’re not with him.”

“Because,” I tried to explain, “if we do this a third time, we both better be sure. Right now, I’m still trying to figure other stuff out.”

Lowe rolled his eyes. “Not to be a shit, Charley, but you’re twenty-one. We’re all trying to figure stuff out at twenty-one. You think you’re the only one who has a crisis of identity in college? You’re not. And it doesn’t mean you should put the important stuff on hold.”

Feeling a little stung, I moved out of his embrace. “You’re right. You’re a shit.”

“Yeah, well…” He curled his hands around my upper arms and turned me to face him. “I have a little bit of a blind spot when it comes to you and I’ve found myself making excuses for the way you’ve acted this last year. But I can’t justify the way you’ve played Jake. Last January I was the one telling you to watch your back with Jake. I was pissed for what you had to go through watching him be with Melissa while he dangled you on a string. Now you’re doing the same thing to him.”

I glowered at him. “It’s not like that. Jake knows it’s not like that.”

Lowe was immune to my glower. “Jake’s been a fucking mess since he got back from San Francisco, but I get the feeling he’s not going to keep putting himself through this, whatever this is, so yeah… maybe you should get used to the idea of Jake moving on with his life.”

Feeling angry tears prick my eyes, I asked through gritted teeth, “Why are you trying to hurt me?”

His eyes washed over my face and whatever they saw made his expression soften. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Charley. I’m just trying to prepare you.”

“You’re mad at me.”

“I don’t know if I could ever really be mad at you,” he confessed, sounding almost sad. “But right now, I don’t get you.”

Angry, but this time at myself, I glanced away and pretended to watch the bar staff as they tried to cull the crowd around the bar.

Lowe’s warm hand slipped into mine and clasped it tight. I didn’t look at him—I couldn’t for fear I’d fall apart. Instead I just squeezed his hand back and took comfort from the fact that I had such good friends who would stick by me and try to understand, even if they never really could.

It was an understatement to say I was in an even lousier mood after Lowe gave me a talking-to. I had a drink and pretended that everything was okay for a while, until the room started to feel like it was closing in on me.

I excused myself and pushed through the socializing students toward the exit. I practically lunged outside, gulping the air as I flopped against the building.

The noise from the bar gradually became a hum as I stared up at the sky, remembering a time before when life was simpler. It would be easy to blame Jake— to pinpoint the time and say it was the day before I met him when I was sixteen. Except that wasn’t the truth. The truth was life was simpler the day before I left to spend the summer in Miami with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It was the summer I felt the impact of my cousin Ethan’s death. The hole he left behind, the tear his death caused in my family’s hearts, and all the answers his mom and dad never got. The justice they never found.

Life wasn’t simple after that. For the first time in my life, I felt powerless, and I hated it. I wanted it not to be that way, and that’s when the idea of becoming a cop lodged in my head. There was a naïveté in that, I knew that now. Being a cop wouldn’t make me feel less powerless in bad situations. There was no remedy for that.

“You look deep in thought.”

I jumped, turning wide-eyed to find Beck leaning against the wall beside me. I hadn’t even heard him come outside. “Yeah,” I said dryly. “And I think I was on to something before you interrupted.”

He gave me an apologetic half smile. “Sorry. I needed some air.”

My gaze sharpened, processing the hint of melancholy in the back of my friend’s eyes. “You okay?”

He nodded, swallowing a pull of his beer.

Taking a stab in the dark, I said, “You thinking about your dad?”

Beck’s eyebrows drew together. “He’s been on my mind a little lately. Did Lowe tell you we have a small label interested in us?”

“Yeah.”

“Did I ever tell you my dad was in a band?”

“You told me he was a musician, but I thought he wrote jingles and stuff.”

He shot me an unhappy smile. “Yeah, but that’s not how he started out.” He exhaled, turning so his back was flat to the wall. He stared up at the sky like I had only moments before. “Dad was in a rock band in his early twenties. For a while it was the most important thing in his life—until he met my mom. But then the band got signed to a small label in San Francisco and they started touring.” He stopped talking, his eyes meeting mine, something heavy and grim in their depths. “He loved my mom but the tour killed her love for him. This was a guy who moved us to Chicago when the band was on break because Mom got a teaching opportunity he didn’t want her to pass up. And he loved San Francisco. It was like losing an arm to leave that place. He loved her, though, simple as that. But then the band starting touring again and Mom couldn’t take it.” I suddenly realized that look in Beck’s eyes was desperation. “They argued whenever he was home. She accused him of cheating but my dad was adamant up until the end that he never screwed around on her. She didn’t believe him, and she hated the rock-star lifestyle. So she left him.” His voice cracked. “She left him and even when he left the band for her, she wouldn’t take him back. He stayed in Chicago to be close to us, started working for advertisers and stuff like that. And he turned to alcohol.”

I didn’t know what to say, it was so heartbreaking. “Beck…”

His eyes burned into me suddenly. “I don’t want that to happen with Claudia. My music means a lot to me, but I don’t want to lose her because of it.”

I was stunned. Shocked even. I had no idea Beck had these thoughts running through his head. “It won’t. Claudia loves you.”

“Yeah, and my mom loved my dad. But all the girls… I’ve not been a saint, so Claud will have that in the back of her mind all the time. And you see what it’s like.” He gestured toward the bar. “If by some miracle The Stolen actually got signed, touring would change everything. I’d have crazy girls trying to get into my pants all the time, and I have a smart girlfriend who knows exactly what goes on in these tours. How much of that do you think Claudia could take? I would never cheat on her, ever, but it would drive me crazy thinking of just one guy who wanted her and kept coming on to her, never mind hundreds. You’re not telling me she wouldn’t feel that way too eventually.” He leaned in to me, his voice low with emotion. “Somehow the most miraculous person I ever met in my life has spent most of her life feeling unloved and neglected. She deserves to feel like no girl in the world could ever come close to her. I want her to feel that way every fucking day, and I can’t do that if I’m on tour.”

“Beck, what are you saying?” I gasped. “Are you thinking about quitting the band?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I applied to grad school at the same time as Jake and I got in. He’s the only one who knows.”

I pushed off the wall to face him. “Beck, you have to talk to Claudia before you make a decision. She knows how much The Stolen means to you and if she thought for one second you were thinking about throwing your dream away because of her, she’d—”

“Have a shit fit,” he interrupted dryly. “I know.”

“You have to give her a chance to prove that she can do this for you. Look at her in there.” I pointed to the bar. “She handles those girls fine. Somehow, out of all the craziness and all your conquests and dragging your feet about the two of you, she’s actually pretty secure about you. Beck, she knows that you love her. Give her a chance. She might surprise you.” I grinned. “She’s been surprising me since the day we met.”

Beck gave me a small smile but that darkness in his eyes hadn’t dissipated. “We could try it, and it could all work out. But there’s a fifty percent chance that it won’t, and she means too much to me to risk losing her.”

“Beck, we’re not talking about a small thing here—we’re talking about you giving up your career,” I reminded him, feeling more than a little overwhelmed for him.

He raised his eyebrows. “Right,” he agreed. “It’s called sacrifice or compromise or whatever you want to name it. It boils down to one thing—what we’re willing to give up for the people we love. I thought you of all people would understand, Charley. You gave up the academy for your parents. And I get it, I do. They are what matters. What’s the point in the memories I’ll have of touring if at the end of my life, Claudia isn’t by my side? What’s the point if the person I love the most never made enough memories with me to make me feel okay about my life coming to an end? My dad had no one in the end. I don’t want that to be my story too. You understand that, right?

“You’ve put the academy on the back burner because you know that you being a cop could potentially make your parents’ lives worse. And you love them so if they’re not happy, you’re not happy. Other people can say whatever the fuck they want. They can say there has to be a line, that you have to chase your dreams, other people be damned.” He slumped against the wall. “But I get it.”

“You do?” I whispered.

“Yeah. The people we love are one of our dreams too. Sometimes you just can’t chase them all. So you’ve got to choose.” He shot me a sad smile. “A guitar won’t keep me warm at night, so something’s got to give.”

I slumped against the wall too. I was confused for Beck, worried for him, but at the same time, I got him and he got me. I suddenly didn’t feel so bad about putting a halt to the whole police academy thing. “They never told us it would be like this,” I grumbled.

“What?”

“Adulthood.”

Beck sighed. “Nope. They certainly did not.”