Out of the Shallows

17

Elka November 2013

We were losing layers of clothing the farther west we traveled. It wasn’t too hot, but we’d driven from melting snow to clear skies and sunshine in a matter of days. Eleven hours after we left Laramie, Jake pulled into a motel in Elko, Nevada.

It had been another quiet car journey. Jake was full of silent questions and I was…

I was searching for me. The me who just said what was on her mind. Told it like it was.

I wanted that me back, because maybe then I could be brave enough to give Jake the answers he was looking for, even if he thought I was crazy once I did.

Beck got out to get us rooms and the three of us sat in the car in silence. Memories from last night had been replaying over and over in my head.

“You’re going to tell me this was a mistake, aren’t you?”

I stared into Jake’s eyes, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “Yes,” I answered honestly.

We didn’t say anything for a few seconds and then Jake said, “Will you stay with me tonight at least?”

Too selfish to say no, I’d stayed.

A few hours later while I was sleeping in his arms, I was awoken by voices. Jake asked Beck to stay in Claudia’s room. I didn’t register it at the time because I fell right back to sleep, feeling warm and safe tucked into Jake’s side.

The next morning, after dealing with the awkwardness of waking up next to Jake, I had to deal with even more awkwardness upon knocking on Claudia’s motel door to get my clothes. Beck opened the door, eyes bright as he threw me a pleased grin before hurrying out. I noted the bed that should’ve been mine wasn’t slept in.

My questioning gaze had flown to Claudia who lay in rumpled sheets, the covers pulled up to her chest, showing off bare shoulders. She looked flushed and flustered, just like I felt.

I guessed I wasn’t the only one who’d thrown caution to the wind last night.

“It finally happened, huh?” I said, a small smile playing on my lips.

Claudia stared at me warily and nodded.

I thought of Jake and the pain in his eyes when I left him this morning, compared to the happiness in Beck’s. I reassured my friend. “Don’t question it.”

Claudia gave me a tremulous smile in return. “Thanks, Charley.” She glanced at the door. “So last night you and Jake—”

“It shouldn’t have happened,” I cut her off as I grabbed my stuff and strode into the shower.

That day on the road was a difficult one. Claudia and Beck were loved up in the backseat while Jake and I were… I didn’t know what we were.

Beck came back with room keys but as soon as we pulled up to the motel, Jake turned to him and held out his hand. “I’ll take one of those keys.”

“I’ve got ours, man.” Beck waved him off.

“No. Charley and I are sharing tonight.”

I gaped at my ex-boyfriend a little stupidly.

“Uh…” From my peripheral I could see Beck turn to me, but I didn’t look back at him because I was still gaping at Jake in confusion. “Are you sure—”

“Key, Beck,” Jake insisted.

“I want to make sure Charley’s okay with that first,” Beck returned impatiently.

Jake looked at me. “Well?”

As we looked at one another, I dug deep for my courage. I knew why Jake wanted us to share a room. He wanted privacy because he wanted answers. He was done pretending he didn’t deserve them. Maybe before I could justify shutting him out, but last night I’d made a choice that had confused and hurt him even more. Jake deserved better than that. He deserved the truth, even if I was scared to share it.

I suddenly heard his voice in my head, words he’d said not too long ago but now felt forever ago. “Come on, Supergirl. Be brave.”

“It’s fine,” I told Beck quietly. “As long as Claudia’s okay rooming with you.”

“Oh, I’m cool with that,” Claudia shrugged with fake nonchalance and I rolled my eyes at her. I could tell she was more than happy with this new arrangement.

It was clear to me that Jake was beyond impatient to talk when he suggested we go to a McDonald’s drive-through and eat back at our room. By now I’d lost whatever appetite I had, but I was so used to pretending none of this affected me that I ordered a double cheeseburger.

Just before Jake closed the door, I heard Claudia giggling happily as Beck let them into their room next door. Despite my own messy life, I was glad for her. I was relieved the experiences with her parents and biological father hadn’t scarred her permanently, hadn’t stifled her generous heart. She was giving Beck a chance, and I believed that chance might just save him from himself.

They deserved the joy they’d found. I had to find time to tell Claud that because every time she looked at me, I saw guilt in her eyes, like she felt bad for being happy when I was more miserable than I’d ever been in my life.

It was time to remind her that that wasn’t how real friendship worked.

I chewed on a pickle as I watched Jake sit on the bed opposite me. He unwrapped his burger but he didn’t lift it to his mouth right away. Instead, he sighed.

“What’s going on with you, Charley?” His dark eyes pierced through me. “And not just why you broke up with me… Everything. Because right now—this person you’ve become, it isn’t you. You know it isn’t you because your light has gone out. You’re somewhere dark right now and I’m worried sick about you.”

Your light has gone out. It sounded so permanent. Like my light wasn’t switched off, but broken.

Tears stung the back of my eyes and I took another bite of my burger to have something to concentrate on, something that would focus the tears away.

Finally when I felt in control, I met his gaze. “I haven’t seen or spoken to Andie since before she woke up out of the coma.”

That surprised him. “How? What… I’m confused.”

And so I tried to explain.

“You remember I was there every day while she was in the coma?”

“Of course.”

“Something… something happened to me when she woke up.” I shook my head, feeling the bottled emotion in me well up. “I tried to take a step into the hospital room but I just couldn’t. I felt paralyzed.” I dashed away a tear that slipped down my cheek. “And somehow I haven’t stopped feeling that way.”

Jake leaned forward, his brows drawn together in concern. “Baby, paralyzed? Why?”

“You’re not going to like that answer.”

“Give it to me anyway.”

I pushed my half-eaten food away and drew my knees up to my chest. “The whole time Andie lay in that hospital bed, breathing through a ventilator, I couldn’t shake the guilt. I couldn’t shake the fact that I hadn’t spoken to my sister—one of my best friends—in weeks… because of you.” Forcing myself to be brave, I looked at him. He’d grown pale with realization. “I didn’t blame you directly, Jake. I blamed me. I resented myself for making that choice, for putting you before my family. I didn’t know how to talk to you or be around you during it all because you reminded me of all the bad decisions I’d made regarding Andie and my parents.”

Jake blew air out between his lips and whispered, “Fuck,” as he dragged a shaky hand through his hair. “You have no idea how much I get that, Charley. I wish you’d told me that was how you were feeling.”

Surprise shot through me. “I don’t understand.”

“After Brett died, I was filled with this irrational guilt,” he explained, the steadiness of his words testament to how far he’d come emotionally since Brett’s death. “At the time it didn’t feel irrational. I truly believed that there was something I could’ve done to avoid that outcome. And there was a huge part of me that couldn’t separate you from Brett’s death. I couldn’t be around you because of it.”

As I processed this, the love I felt for Jake seemed to grow too big, too much, and I ducked my head to break our eye contact. There was so much relief that he understood me, but more than that, I was in awe of his understanding and compassion.

“I should’ve told you,” I said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you that chance.”

“I forgive you.”

“Why?” I laughed unhappily.

“Because,” he said, his countenance solemn, “you forgave me.”

I started to smile but it wobbled as the tears spilled down my cheeks without control. “I’m such a mess, Jake. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself.”

Suddenly he was there beside me, holding me as I sobbed into his shoulder.

Once I’d soaked his shirt through, he got up and strode into the bathroom, returning with toilet tissue so I could wipe my tears and blow my nose.

“I’m sorry,” I told him, still shaking.

“You don’t have to be.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled kindly. “So why don’t you recognize yourself?”

Bunching the used tissue in my hand, I shrugged. “I used to be able to put my fear aside in most situations. But when it comes to the people I love, I seem to fall apart. When you left when I was sixteen, it took me a long time to stop moping around and start living again, and now with Andie… it’s happening all over again except it’s worse this time—more complicated.”

“Explain it to me,” he encouraged.

I studied his gorgeous face, his patient, soulful eyes. “You’ll think I’m crazy. Or worse… you’ll hate me.”

Jake frowned. “You know when I said I hated you… I didn’t mean it. I was just pissed off.”

“I know,” I said. “But now you might really hate me.”

“Try me. I might surprise you.”

Taking a sip of my drink, I stalled a moment, gathering the remnants of my courage. “When Andie was lying there in that hospital bed, I watched Rick fall apart, but worse I watched my parents fall apart. It scared the hell out of me, Jake. Jim and Delia Redford do not fall apart. They’re the strongest people I know. But as one day crept into the next, I watched them age, I watched them crumble, and there was nothing I could do to help them. I’d failed Andie and now I was failing them. I felt like her accident was punishment. That I was to blame for it. Which made the fact that I couldn’t do anything to fix it or my parents even worse.”

“How was it your fault?”

“Because of the way I treated her before it happened. Because we hadn’t spoken since I’d told her to fuck off… because,” my voice lowered, “I wasn’t there this time to shove her out of the way, to save her.”

“Charley, somewhere deep down you know that’s not true.”

I shook my head. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel that way, that I don’t feel to blame, ashamed and guilty as hell.”

“And this is why you haven’t spoken to Andie? Because you feel like her accident was your fault to begin with?”

“That,” I drew in a deep breath, bracing myself to tell him the whole crazy truth, “and because there’s this sick, dark little part of me that resents her.”

Jake frowned. “Resents her? For what? For the way you feel?”

“No.” This time when our eyes met, I let all the love I felt for him shine out for the first time since before it all happened. I knew the instant he felt it because he froze and his eyes grew round with surprise and confusion. “I made a promise to God, Jake. I’m so sorry.” Tears started falling again.

“Charley, I don’t understand.” He reached for me, his thumbs swiping at the salty escapees.

“I promised God that if he saved Andie… I would give you up.”

Realization struck him and he looked like it had punched a mighty blow. “And then Andie woke up.”

I nodded. “I know it’s crazy. I know that it was probably a coincidence but I can’t get rid of this fear that if I let myself be with you, something bad will happen to Andie. And now I can’t be with you and I resent my sister for it. Which is outrageous and wrong. So I haven’t faced her. I haven’t faced the way I treated her or the way I’m still treating her. That’s not me, Jake.” I punched at the mattress below me in anger. “I’m not this coward. But that’s who I’ve become. A coward. I’m a coward, I can’t have you, and I can’t be a cop because my parents don’t want to go through what they just went through again. Where does that leave me? Who am I without my ability to act despite my fears, or be with you, or be the person I’m meant to be?”

Jake looked shaken. “Christ, Charley.” He shifted closer to me and put his arm around me, drawing me into his side. “I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this shit around for months without telling me. Without telling anyone.”

I hugged him close. “I love you,” I told him softly. “I love you so much. But I can’t be with you.”

San Francisco December 2013

The wind whipped my hair forward around my face as I stood on the bluffs by Baker Beach holding Jake’s hand.

Beck stood lower down on the rocks from us, Claudia at his side, as he stared out at the Pacific Ocean. He spoke, his words muffled by the wind. That was okay. Those words were for his dad’s ears alone.

After a little while, Beck let go of Claudia’s hand and removed the lid from the small lacquered box. Without a moment’s hesitation, he released the ashes and they caught in the wind as it blew out toward the ocean.

He wiped a tear from his cheek and Claudia wrapped her arm around his waist and drew him closer. He accepted her comfort, sliding his own arm around her shoulders and kissing her head in thanks.

Jake stroked my hand, drawing my attention from my friends to his face. He looked grim. Sad. Wary.

After my confession he didn’t tell me I was crazy for feeling the way I felt, but I sensed a new desperation in him and I feared that it was borne of him letting go of the hope that I would come around—that eventually we’d find our way back together again.

That I had given up hope was bad enough. Selfishly, I didn’t want Jake to.

I spent the night with him again, positive now that he understood there wasn’t more to it than me grasping at a last chance to soak in the temporary pleasure of being with him.

Jake leaned down to be heard over the wind. “Let’s leave them for a moment.”

I nodded and followed him back over the bluffs to where we’d parked the car up on Lincoln Boulevard. It was much warmer in San Francisco but it was windy off the water and I was glad to return to the car.

We were silent for a while, taking in the magnitude of what Beck was going through. I never wanted to be in a position to understand what he was dealing with. It was bad enough being distant with my father these last few months. I couldn’t imagine losing him completely.

“It all comes back to me walking away when I was seventeen,” Jake suddenly said, jolting me out of my thoughts.

Confused, I said, “What does?”

“Everything that’s happened to us. Brett’s death. Me breaking up with you. The shit we went through to find each other again only for your parents and sister not to forgive me like you did. You stopped talking to Andie because of it, Andie got in an accident, you blamed yourself, you made a pact with God and now have this irrational fear, irrational but real nonetheless, which means you’re afraid we can’t be together.” Jake shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that we have to keep being punished for what happened when we were kids. I don’t believe that the choices we both made to walk away from each other define us. I don’t believe that we can’t trust one another, and I don’t believe that we wouldn’t make it work a third time around. If you and Andie, if you and your parents, hadn’t fallen out before the accident, I’m one hundred percent sure you would have had me by your side during Andie’s coma. You would have let me in. I really believe that fate just got in the way of this one.” He grabbed my hand, his eyes imploring. “But really, we’re still kids, Charley. We’ve got so much to work out about ourselves and about life. Who says then that this is all we get? We’ve got a whole lifetime that we could use to make up for our past.”

Although my heart was pounding from his optimism, I found myself attempting to remind him of one glaring fact. “But Jake—”

“I know, I know. Your fear.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. “We can’t be together until you work it out, Charley. We can’t be together until you work it all out. Your sister, your parents, your career—you. Go home and face your sister, Supergirl.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss upon my knuckles. “Go home and find yourself. Take all the time you need. And when you’re done and if you still want me,” he gave me a sad, crooked, boyish smile, “come and find me.”